shawty80

worthless this morning. i guess i'm letting all of his negativity and the cruel things he's said really get me down. i'm so tired of always being his doormat and having everything turned around onto me. this is no kind of life, that's for sure! i had hopes for our relationship now that he's not drinking (or is he?!?), but all he gives me is sadness. and all he does is point his finger at me and tell me i need to be evaluated for depression (which is probably true...). the last six months of emotional and verbal abuse, coupled with two break-ups and one reconciliation are weighing so heavily on me. i know i have forgiven him a lot, but there's quite a bit more that i need to work on.

dandylion

Dear Shawty, I don't remember if you have ever considered attending alanon?

dandylion

ZiggyB

Shawty,
You are definitely not worthless although I know how you feel!

I like this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt: "No One Can Make You Feel Inferior Without Your Consent"

It is difficult though, when you are with someone who tends to be abusive. The constant put downs, insults and bad moods can really get to you and your self esteem is impacted. So maybe you should see someone about depression if you think it's a problem? Meanwhile try not to define your self worth over a relationship and what this man thinks of you! I could do nothing right in the eyes of my aex but I had to realize I would love myself no matter what!

jessiec

Hi sugar! I haven't been on lately and need to catch up with your story! We often seem to be in a similar orbit.

For the moment, giving you a big hug. Off to lunch, but will be back!

Seren

Hi shawty, I'm sorry you are still in such pain over this man. I hope and pray that you will soon realize that being in a relationship with him or any other man does not make you worthwhile as a human being. You, just you, deserve to be treated with dignity, respect, and love.

It doesn't sound as though he is capable of those things even if he is not drinking.

Sending you hugs and warm thoughts!

shawty80

it's been awhile, but before school started back up i was attending sometimes four meetings a week. i feel it's probably time for me to go back.

shawty80

thanks for the advice, ziggy! i love that quote. it's definitely apropos. in some ways, i have to laugh at what he thinks of me. the last time we broke up, i was a liar and a cheater, and now...well...i'm just crazy! he told me today that if i want to be happy, i just need to take a pill, and that he wants me to be sane.

my mom and i spent some time together today, and i kept thinking about what you wrote. it hit me as we were walking into our local convention center that you are exactly right...NOTHING i do will be right in his eyes. he thinks i need an anti-depressant (actually, he told me yesterday he thinks a therapist would diagnose me with bipolar tendencies. my therapist friend called horsesh*t on that...). so what if i go see my doctor and start taking medication? i won't be "insane" anymore as he thinks i am, so what will he pick out NEXT to be my greatest fault?

as my mom and i walked around the convention center, we kept running into friends and students (former and current) of mine who were genuinely happy to see me. not a single one of them thinks i'm even remotely insane...

shawty80

oh, sweet jessie...i read your post this morning and just sat in awe. yep...it's pretty much the EXACT same thing that happened with me and my once more xabf. so much so, that i took a screen shot of it (minus your name) and sent it to him to read. i have no idea if he did, but i told him our situation was definitely NOT unique. i heard all of the same lines your rab used on you. unfortunately, my xab shot his forty days of sobriety, and is back on the rum. the last time i saw him was halloween, and he didn't smell or appear to have had anything, but i left his house around ten, so he may have just been hiding the bottle. i could tell, though, by the way he talked to me on thursday and, definitely friday and this morning, that he had started drinking again. i truly hope yours isn't on the verge of relapse.

it's crazy to me how similar our stories are. the timing of everything is always so close!!

big hugs to you, too, my dear.

shawty80

thank you, hydrogirl. you're right, i don't think he is capable of it. i only ever get rare glimpses of his love. i've been crazy busy this week getting ready for christmas magic, which is a holiday market hosted by the junior league, and spent all of monday, and most of tuesday and wednesday evening at our convention center decorating christmas trees, wreaths, and a ton of other stuff. i asked him to bring me dinner and a phone charger tuesday night so that i could focus on getting stuff done, and just thought he was the sweetest thing for actually doing it! how pathetic is that?!? a simple favor, that should be a given in any healthy relationship, was his great testament of love!!! wow!

ZiggyB

Yes, I have been there! Nothing I did was ever right, he would freak out over the stooopidest things. Who wants to walk around on eggshells for fear of upsetting someone? Can you love and accept you for who you are? it sounds doubtful. And then what's he point of being in a relationship with someone like that?