I had a dream
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I had a dream
Every night I say prayers - now mostly for my AH.
I dream but seldom remember them - I did last night. Last night I dreamed I was with someone else. No one I know, a blank face.
And I was SO HAPPY. Ecstatic actually.
It reminded me that I am unhappy. I live worried and fearful all the time. Another relationship is the last thing on my mind. God works in mysterious ways though - at times I feel so sad at the loss of my AH in my life because I love him so much.
I woke up and there he was sleeping beside me. I go to the kitchen to make my coffee and see one of my cats got sick. I feel relieved that I saw it first. While I am cleaning it up I thought I heard the bedroom door open and I about jumped out of my skin. That would mean I would have to listen to how disgusting cats are for 3 or 4 minutes. It wasn't him. I feel relief. I tip toe around the house as I do every morning so I don't wake him up. No tv, just as silent as possible. God forbid I make a noise and wake him up before I go to work that would mean listening to complaining about it for awhile.
This is not a way to live. Always worried or trying not to do something normal that will irritate AH.
I am damn tired of it.
I dream but seldom remember them - I did last night. Last night I dreamed I was with someone else. No one I know, a blank face.
And I was SO HAPPY. Ecstatic actually.
It reminded me that I am unhappy. I live worried and fearful all the time. Another relationship is the last thing on my mind. God works in mysterious ways though - at times I feel so sad at the loss of my AH in my life because I love him so much.
I woke up and there he was sleeping beside me. I go to the kitchen to make my coffee and see one of my cats got sick. I feel relieved that I saw it first. While I am cleaning it up I thought I heard the bedroom door open and I about jumped out of my skin. That would mean I would have to listen to how disgusting cats are for 3 or 4 minutes. It wasn't him. I feel relief. I tip toe around the house as I do every morning so I don't wake him up. No tv, just as silent as possible. God forbid I make a noise and wake him up before I go to work that would mean listening to complaining about it for awhile.
This is not a way to live. Always worried or trying not to do something normal that will irritate AH.
I am damn tired of it.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
With us, it's that the cat scratches the woodwork.
I hate that you are going through this, but I applaud you for realizing that you don't deserve it. Try to love yourself as much (or maybe even more!!) than you love him. You're not alone - I'm right there in the muck with you.
I hate that you are going through this, but I applaud you for realizing that you don't deserve it. Try to love yourself as much (or maybe even more!!) than you love him. You're not alone - I'm right there in the muck with you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by redatlanta 
Every night I say prayers - now mostly for my AH.
I dream but seldom remember them - I did last night. Last night I dreamed I was with someone else. No one I know, a blank face.
And I was SO HAPPY. Ecstatic actually.
It reminded me that I am unhappy. I live worried and fearful all the time. Another relationship is the last thing on my mind. God works in mysterious ways though - at times I feel so sad at the loss of my AH in my life because I love him so much.
I woke up and there he was sleeping beside me. I go to the kitchen to make my coffee and see one of my cats got sick. I feel relieved that I saw it first. While I am cleaning it up I thought I heard the bedroom door open and I about jumped out of my skin. That would mean I would have to listen to how disgusting cats are for 3 or 4 minutes. It wasn't him. I feel relief. I tip toe around the house as I do every morning so I don't wake him up. No tv, just as silent as possible. God forbid I make a noise and wake him up before I go to work that would mean listening to complaining about it for awhile.
This is not a way to live. Always worried or trying not to do something normal that will irritate AH.
I am damn tired of it.
I dream but seldom remember them - I did last night. Last night I dreamed I was with someone else. No one I know, a blank face.
And I was SO HAPPY. Ecstatic actually.
It reminded me that I am unhappy. I live worried and fearful all the time. Another relationship is the last thing on my mind. God works in mysterious ways though - at times I feel so sad at the loss of my AH in my life because I love him so much.
I woke up and there he was sleeping beside me. I go to the kitchen to make my coffee and see one of my cats got sick. I feel relieved that I saw it first. While I am cleaning it up I thought I heard the bedroom door open and I about jumped out of my skin. That would mean I would have to listen to how disgusting cats are for 3 or 4 minutes. It wasn't him. I feel relief. I tip toe around the house as I do every morning so I don't wake him up. No tv, just as silent as possible. God forbid I make a noise and wake him up before I go to work that would mean listening to complaining about it for awhile.
This is not a way to live. Always worried or trying not to do something normal that will irritate AH.
I am damn tired of it.
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
He misses his comfy life with me where I tiptoed around on eggshells and made sure the fridge was full and the bills paid while he whined. He blew his money and now he is in financial trouble...
imagine that.
Think I will turn up my smooth jazz just to celebrate being alone and happy!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Since breaking up with my XABF over five years ago, I have become a morning person. My mornings are my sanctuary.
I am sorry that you are unhappy, but I am glad you are able to acknowledge and own it. It took me longer than it should have to do the same.
I am sorry that you are unhappy, but I am glad you are able to acknowledge and own it. It took me longer than it should have to do the same.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
This is a great thread; I needed to read this. Since AXBF has been gone, no one has complained about anything. And reading this thread reminds me how I always felt I had to be perfect all the time, the house had to be perfect, and I was constantly worried how he would react to something. I suppose that is also called walking on eggshells. Because really? What is the big effing deal if the cat sleeps on the sofa? He was always just obsessive about things to the point that we never spent any time together. It's like I spent 2.5 years WAITING for him to finish whatever it was he was doing, wishing he would just settle down, and wondering what had to happen in order for him to stop the incessant bitching, moaning, and complaining.
I am not at all close to being in another relationship either. Sometimes I wonder if they are more bother than they are worth.
I am not at all close to being in another relationship either. Sometimes I wonder if they are more bother than they are worth.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Oh, redatlanta, this brings back memories from living with my children's father. When I finally realized that I would never be free to be my own self in that relationship, it was like that "lightbulb" moment that everyone talks about. It was a turning point---I then faced the future (and all my fears) and ended it. I just knew that if I could never be myself that I would never, ever find happiness in this life.
Honestly, it was like walking out of a prison when I no longer had to live under his criticism and disapproval again. I have never regretted my decision---and that was a very, very, long time ago!
dandylion
Honestly, it was like walking out of a prison when I no longer had to live under his criticism and disapproval again. I have never regretted my decision---and that was a very, very, long time ago!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
Yes, the tiptoeing in the mornings brings back a lot of memories. I never even thought much about it when I was doing it though. I would have all the kids be quiet (try that with a baby!) or just leave the house with all three of them in tow. I remember so vividly one morning how he was horribly hung over and cranky. I left with the children around 9:30, I arrived back at home around 11 only to be greeted by him and a friend drinking at the kitchen table. I thought, why the heck did I even bother?!?!
I now enjoy my mornings....and evenings... I miss him, but not the him that he had become.
I now enjoy my mornings....and evenings... I miss him, but not the him that he had become.
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