Sueski

There are times that my husband is himself, the guy I love. There are times that he's not so much that guy. I can look at the whole situation and say, "it's not so bad, I can take it." Then I look myself in the eye and ask if this is REALLY how I want to live my one life.

He's actually less verbally abusive now that he's drinking again than he was when he was a dry drunk. The girlfriend is pretty much out of the picture and I don't think he'll go that route again (why would he when he's got a bottle for a mistress now?). He works and brings home his pay. He's more affectionate now a lot of the time but also much more selfish in the physical arena. He's also emotionally labile once he's a few beers in, leaving me feeling that lovely 'walking-on-eggshells' feeling. I've seen him drink in the morning. He drinks every single day. He drinks in his vehicle. We get along great, as long as I don't make any real demands or question him too much. If I do, the quacking starts. (aside - thank you SO much whoever came up with that. It really helps to have that concept in my head.) He knows I think he's drinking himself to death, and he doesn't really care. It frustrates me, saddens me, tempts me to try to manage it. Ugh. Really, it makes me angry. What a waste. This is a good and intelligent man - why does he not SEE it?!?!?

I'm working on the self-care stuff. Met a health coach yesterday and have a plan to increase exercise. Have a terrific counselor who gets it, and calls me on my own bs. Continuing to take classes with the goal of a career change. Trying to be conscious of acting rather than reacting. Doing lots of reading on the subject and scaring myself with the reality that it will probably get worse but also finding so much understanding here.

I don't really know what my point is with all this. I guess it's just a good feeling to write it all down and know that it will be read by people who understand why I am so torn. And I am torn.

SparkleKitty

Keep doing what you're doing Sueski, to take care of you and grow. There's no deadline for not being torn. We're here and listening!

constellation

I'm sorry I'm new here so forgive me if I step on any toes. You said that he's less abusive when he drinks but then later mentioned that you'll be walking on eggshells.

I completely understand your feelings about 'is this how I want to live my one life'? I ask myself that question often. The good news is that you don't have to decide that today. You can just enjoy today and take your time making that decision. My sponsor always reminds me that Rome wasn't built in a day, LOL. Anyway, it sounds like you're doing all the right things. Keeping that open mind, putting a plan B into action if needed, and being open to change if it's necessary.

Sueski

Hi, Constellation. No worries about my toes -it's a valid question. He was really angry for no particular reason before he started drinking, and a lot of it came out at me. Now, he's not often that angry but he's extremely sensitive, gets insulted over really minor things. I know I'm not responsible for his feelings but I still really hate that and try to avoid it.

You're right about Rome, but I sure hope I don't take THAT long to figure it out!