I maintained my boundry...Now what??
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Austin, Tx
Posts: 43
I maintained my boundry...Now what??
My AW and I have finally split up after 17 yrs. I have been going to Alanon meetings fairly regularly, and have made peace with myself and her disease. I maintained a positve outlook on my own life, and stopped trying to control her drinking, and it seemed to make our relationship much better.
A few months ago she left her FB page open on her computer, and I found she was having an online affair with an old high school classmate. She said they never has a physical relationship, and although i never found any evidence they did (live in different states), it was devastating none the less. At that time I told her to end ALL communication with him and it was something I definitely would not tolerate. I also asked her for full access to all her accounts, to show me she had nothing to hide. (I gave her full access as well).
Well, I was looking the other and found she had sent him a short email, and that was it. I asked her to leave. She understands she broke a boundry that I am not flexible on, and is staying in a motel for now.
It breaks my heart to see her go, as our relationship otherwise seemed to be going better than ever, but I could not back out on this boundry for my sake or hers.
I would like to think the disease is the reason for her reaching out, but I have not convinced myself of that, and don't know if I ever will.
Now I am not sure what I expect of her that will allow us to continue our relationship. I know what I would LIKE to see is for her to go to rehab, or at least working a program and find sobriety, but I cannot control that and will not even suggest it to her. That is a decision she needs to make on her own.
I can't say I was totally fine with her drinking, but Ihad found peace with it through Al Anon, and let her go down her own path. I guess since infidelity is a seperate issue, I am not really sure what I need to see or hear from her. I went to a meeting tonight, and am in contact with a potential sponsor, but am still at a loss.
I KNOW I did the right thing even though it breaks my heart. I pray I will find the answers.
A few months ago she left her FB page open on her computer, and I found she was having an online affair with an old high school classmate. She said they never has a physical relationship, and although i never found any evidence they did (live in different states), it was devastating none the less. At that time I told her to end ALL communication with him and it was something I definitely would not tolerate. I also asked her for full access to all her accounts, to show me she had nothing to hide. (I gave her full access as well).
Well, I was looking the other and found she had sent him a short email, and that was it. I asked her to leave. She understands she broke a boundry that I am not flexible on, and is staying in a motel for now.
It breaks my heart to see her go, as our relationship otherwise seemed to be going better than ever, but I could not back out on this boundry for my sake or hers.
I would like to think the disease is the reason for her reaching out, but I have not convinced myself of that, and don't know if I ever will.
Now I am not sure what I expect of her that will allow us to continue our relationship. I know what I would LIKE to see is for her to go to rehab, or at least working a program and find sobriety, but I cannot control that and will not even suggest it to her. That is a decision she needs to make on her own.
I can't say I was totally fine with her drinking, but Ihad found peace with it through Al Anon, and let her go down her own path. I guess since infidelity is a seperate issue, I am not really sure what I need to see or hear from her. I went to a meeting tonight, and am in contact with a potential sponsor, but am still at a loss.
I KNOW I did the right thing even though it breaks my heart. I pray I will find the answers.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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You did the right thing for you. Go well and stay strong. Even if she wants to be free of her obsessions, addictions, infatuations-whatever- they cannot be switched off like by a switch. But they can be overcome eventually, she is not a lesser person because of them.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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RoundII-
It was my husband's affair that finally got me dealing with the disease of addiction in our lives.
The skills and tools I learned in Al-Anon I found helped me very much with both the affair and his alcohol use. Especially the three Cs and the skill of loving detachment I found could apply to both.
I also found a lot of the Al-Anon literature that was people's personal stories very helpful and very healing. There was at least a handful of stories of people dealing with both in those books and it helped me to not feel so alone.
I don't know if affairs and alcohol use go hand and hand. I do know this....they both made me feel crazy. Always off kilter, out of control, not very important in the relationship etc.
I read a lot about affairs, about alcohol use etc at that time. I found Janis Abrahm Springs especially helpful for affairs.
Finally I found learning about the grief cycle really helpful. Then I did not heap guilt upon myself when I was feeling down and make myself feel worse.
Neither is easy to get over and I am sorry you are dealing with both. Take care of you.
It was my husband's affair that finally got me dealing with the disease of addiction in our lives.
The skills and tools I learned in Al-Anon I found helped me very much with both the affair and his alcohol use. Especially the three Cs and the skill of loving detachment I found could apply to both.
I also found a lot of the Al-Anon literature that was people's personal stories very helpful and very healing. There was at least a handful of stories of people dealing with both in those books and it helped me to not feel so alone.
I don't know if affairs and alcohol use go hand and hand. I do know this....they both made me feel crazy. Always off kilter, out of control, not very important in the relationship etc.
I read a lot about affairs, about alcohol use etc at that time. I found Janis Abrahm Springs especially helpful for affairs.
Finally I found learning about the grief cycle really helpful. Then I did not heap guilt upon myself when I was feeling down and make myself feel worse.
Neither is easy to get over and I am sorry you are dealing with both. Take care of you.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
We had the reverse, an affair then a relapse. The affair was worse for me but I think it may only be because the sneaking and half-truths then gave me the knowledge that he was capable of that kind of behavior. And I don't know if anybody else agrees, but I think the girl was an addiction, a substitute for the bottle. I think affairs probably do go hand-in-hand with addiction.
Janis Spring's books are good and I have some others that were terrific. I'll find the names and post again later. I'm sorry you are going through this. It's horrid, I know.
Janis Spring's books are good and I have some others that were terrific. I'll find the names and post again later. I'm sorry you are going through this. It's horrid, I know.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
My Sober AH told me I wouldn't like him drinking "If I am drinking I am lying, If I am drinking I am cheating"
He is relapsing now. So far the lying part has held true. I have wouldn't trust if he told me what time it was. He lies about things that he doesn't even have to. They just fall out of hi mouth constantly.
I haven't found evidence of cheating yet or any signs of it but it will come if we last that long. I think there is a correlation with alcoholism and cheating. Inhibitions go out the window with logic and morals. Reminds me of a saying we used when I was much younger "drinking and dialing". Have one too many and you start texting or calling "that guy" you wouldn't if you were sober.
I am so sorry this has happened to you. No one deserves it.
He is relapsing now. So far the lying part has held true. I have wouldn't trust if he told me what time it was. He lies about things that he doesn't even have to. They just fall out of hi mouth constantly.
I haven't found evidence of cheating yet or any signs of it but it will come if we last that long. I think there is a correlation with alcoholism and cheating. Inhibitions go out the window with logic and morals. Reminds me of a saying we used when I was much younger "drinking and dialing". Have one too many and you start texting or calling "that guy" you wouldn't if you were sober.
I am so sorry this has happened to you. No one deserves it.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Austin, Tx
Posts: 43
Thank you all for your responses. I went to a meeting last night that was very helpful. I know there are many of us out there with similar stories dealing with addiction. I definitely need to keep going, and read some of the literature you suggested.
Redatlanta- I like your concept of drinking and dialing. I know in my youth I would do that myself. It is so much easier for me to tell myself they are related addictions. It certainly doesn't make it any less painful as I know this cycle will continue unless she she decides to get sober and actually work a program. Perhaps that is the next boundary I need to set before we can continue our relationship.
"My Sober AH told me I wouldn't like him drinking "If I am drinking I am lying, If I am drinking I am cheating""
I know that there is always the constant lying as well. Minute things like buying a pack of cigarrets, that I really don't care about. Then I think to myself, if they feel shame and lie about the small things, what else are they lying about? It is easy for me to work myself up over this, but I try to let the small things go for my own sanity, and not obsess over the "what if's" . Alanon has been a great help in coping with this. I certainly know the lying and drinking go hand in hand. The active addict has a large amount of shame for their actions and is afraid to tell the truth about many of their actions for fear that someone will not approve and put another bullet hole in their already deflated ego. It is much easier to deny even the smallest of perceived infractions.
I am meeting her this afternoon for lunch, and although I know what I want to hear, I probably will not. I will try my best to be strong and maintain a positive outlook. I will try to maintain my boundaries and convictions. I will try to pray that her higher power shows her the path to serenity.
Redatlanta- I like your concept of drinking and dialing. I know in my youth I would do that myself. It is so much easier for me to tell myself they are related addictions. It certainly doesn't make it any less painful as I know this cycle will continue unless she she decides to get sober and actually work a program. Perhaps that is the next boundary I need to set before we can continue our relationship.
"My Sober AH told me I wouldn't like him drinking "If I am drinking I am lying, If I am drinking I am cheating""
I know that there is always the constant lying as well. Minute things like buying a pack of cigarrets, that I really don't care about. Then I think to myself, if they feel shame and lie about the small things, what else are they lying about? It is easy for me to work myself up over this, but I try to let the small things go for my own sanity, and not obsess over the "what if's" . Alanon has been a great help in coping with this. I certainly know the lying and drinking go hand in hand. The active addict has a large amount of shame for their actions and is afraid to tell the truth about many of their actions for fear that someone will not approve and put another bullet hole in their already deflated ego. It is much easier to deny even the smallest of perceived infractions.
I am meeting her this afternoon for lunch, and although I know what I want to hear, I probably will not. I will try my best to be strong and maintain a positive outlook. I will try to maintain my boundaries and convictions. I will try to pray that her higher power shows her the path to serenity.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Originally Posted by RoundII 
I am meeting her this afternoon for lunch, and although I know what I want to hear, I probably will not. I will try my best to be strong and maintain a positive outlook. I will try to maintain my boundaries and convictions. I will try to pray that her higher power shows her the path to serenity.
I would get fooled by the words but it was finally when I started watching actions that I realized what was really going on.
Affairs from what I have read can be like an addiction for many. I have done best when I don't try to decide if the affair is part of the alcoholism or not, because ultimately the "cause" of either is not in my control. However they both were a reality in my relationship and I did need to learn how I felt and needed to deal with them.
It is interesting reading the responses. I have found that for me the alcoholism has by far been the part that has been harder to wrap my head around. It might be that I did not try to stuff the affair like I did the alcohol use.
I am not grateful that either existed in my relationship, but I am grateful that they finally got me dealing with my codependency, and looking at how I feel about myself. Finally they are helping me to determine what I need in a relationship.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Somerset West, Western Cape, South Africa
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Round II, I identify with what you are going through regarding the online emotional affair part. This happened to me two years ago except that I didn't ask her to leave, as I did not have a boundary, such as yours, in place then. I came across her conversations.
Since then, I have also had one of her "innocent male friends of long ago" visit us, talking about his move to our town and most of his furniture he left behind, except his bed. He then winked at her and said: "If only that bed could talk!". She then left to the shop to go and buy something and I asked him outright whether they had been intimate in the past. He replied: "Of course, we were in a relationship!". She never told me that they were, as I was led to believe that they were just friends. When I confronted her later, she denied that they were in a relationship (she said she didn't see it like that as they were just fooling around) and sent him an email later to say that she is breaking all contact. I since realized, by reading all I can here, that one cannot reason with an active alcoholic. Their reality and reason differs from yours.
A good book you could get on this is by Shirley Glass- "Not just Friends". At least it will answer a lot of your questions for now.
My life at the moment? I joined this site recently, as well as Al-anon and I am firstly focusing on myself and what is important to me. As her drinking is a daily occurrence, I have a boundary that I would not be accompanying her to any function if she is going to be drinking. I also have a boundary in place that I will not be intimate with her if she had been drinking. She still goes alone to functions and still drinks every night, as if nothing is bothering her. I use the time to enjoy my own hobbies, which I have picked up on again.
We spent some time together tonight, talking. It was really great! Later on she fetched a glass of wine and started drinking. I remained, watching. Slowly I saw my Beloved "go to sleep" and Mrs. Hyde take over. Mrs. Hyde then also eventually went to bed. I can hear her snoring as I'm typing here.
Then I come here and read and talk and I am strengthened again...not alone. And as I read I can see that the day will come in which I am strong enough and I will do what you did...walk away.
I'm thinking of you, my Friend...
Since then, I have also had one of her "innocent male friends of long ago" visit us, talking about his move to our town and most of his furniture he left behind, except his bed. He then winked at her and said: "If only that bed could talk!". She then left to the shop to go and buy something and I asked him outright whether they had been intimate in the past. He replied: "Of course, we were in a relationship!". She never told me that they were, as I was led to believe that they were just friends. When I confronted her later, she denied that they were in a relationship (she said she didn't see it like that as they were just fooling around) and sent him an email later to say that she is breaking all contact. I since realized, by reading all I can here, that one cannot reason with an active alcoholic. Their reality and reason differs from yours.
A good book you could get on this is by Shirley Glass- "Not just Friends". At least it will answer a lot of your questions for now.
My life at the moment? I joined this site recently, as well as Al-anon and I am firstly focusing on myself and what is important to me. As her drinking is a daily occurrence, I have a boundary that I would not be accompanying her to any function if she is going to be drinking. I also have a boundary in place that I will not be intimate with her if she had been drinking. She still goes alone to functions and still drinks every night, as if nothing is bothering her. I use the time to enjoy my own hobbies, which I have picked up on again.
We spent some time together tonight, talking. It was really great! Later on she fetched a glass of wine and started drinking. I remained, watching. Slowly I saw my Beloved "go to sleep" and Mrs. Hyde take over. Mrs. Hyde then also eventually went to bed. I can hear her snoring as I'm typing here.
Then I come here and read and talk and I am strengthened again...not alone. And as I read I can see that the day will come in which I am strong enough and I will do what you did...walk away.
I'm thinking of you, my Friend...
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
RoundII, Douglas Snyder's 'Getting Past the Affair' was a very helpful book. The Shirley Glass book recommended by DocT was excellent. Private Lies by Frank Pittman was pretty good. I'm very glad you were already in Alanon. I wish I had been - I'm sure it would've helped. Take care.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 173
Hi Round II- good post. Its great that you are involved with a support group like AlAnon and learning about how to make your life manageble among the chaos. There are so many great books on codependancy/boundaries. I recommend Pia Mellodys book Facing Coddependence. A wonderful book on relationships: How to be an adult in relationships by David Richo will show you what's missing. Wishing you all the best. Stay Strong!
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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You set a boundary for you, now the ball is in her court. Do what is good for you in the meantime. Do you want to get back with her?
Originally Posted by RoundII
My AW and I have finally split up after 17 yrs. I have been going to Alanon meetings fairly regularly, and have made peace with myself and her disease. I maintained a positve outlook on my own life, and stopped trying to control her drinking, and it seemed to make our relationship much better.
A few months ago she left her FB page open on her computer, and I found she was having an online affair with an old high school classmate. She said they never has a physical relationship, and although i never found any evidence they did (live in different states), it was devastating none the less. At that time I told her to end ALL communication with him and it was something I definitely would not tolerate. I also asked her for full access to all her accounts, to show me she had nothing to hide. (I gave her full access as well).
Well, I was looking the other and found she had sent him a short email, and that was it. I asked her to leave. She understands she broke a boundry that I am not flexible on, and is staying in a motel for now.
It breaks my heart to see her go, as our relationship otherwise seemed to be going better than ever, but I could not back out on this boundry for my sake or hers.
I would like to think the disease is the reason for her reaching out, but I have not convinced myself of that, and don't know if I ever will.
Now I am not sure what I expect of her that will allow us to continue our relationship. I know what I would LIKE to see is for her to go to rehab, or at least working a program and find sobriety, but I cannot control that and will not even suggest it to her. That is a decision she needs to make on her own.
I can't say I was totally fine with her drinking, but Ihad found peace with it through Al Anon, and let her go down her own path. I guess since infidelity is a seperate issue, I am not really sure what I need to see or hear from her. I went to a meeting tonight, and am in contact with a potential sponsor, but am still at a loss.
I KNOW I did the right thing even though it breaks my heart. I pray I will find the answers.
A few months ago she left her FB page open on her computer, and I found she was having an online affair with an old high school classmate. She said they never has a physical relationship, and although i never found any evidence they did (live in different states), it was devastating none the less. At that time I told her to end ALL communication with him and it was something I definitely would not tolerate. I also asked her for full access to all her accounts, to show me she had nothing to hide. (I gave her full access as well).
Well, I was looking the other and found she had sent him a short email, and that was it. I asked her to leave. She understands she broke a boundry that I am not flexible on, and is staying in a motel for now.
It breaks my heart to see her go, as our relationship otherwise seemed to be going better than ever, but I could not back out on this boundry for my sake or hers.
I would like to think the disease is the reason for her reaching out, but I have not convinced myself of that, and don't know if I ever will.
Now I am not sure what I expect of her that will allow us to continue our relationship. I know what I would LIKE to see is for her to go to rehab, or at least working a program and find sobriety, but I cannot control that and will not even suggest it to her. That is a decision she needs to make on her own.
I can't say I was totally fine with her drinking, but Ihad found peace with it through Al Anon, and let her go down her own path. I guess since infidelity is a seperate issue, I am not really sure what I need to see or hear from her. I went to a meeting tonight, and am in contact with a potential sponsor, but am still at a loss.
I KNOW I did the right thing even though it breaks my heart. I pray I will find the answers.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Austin, Tx
Posts: 43
Originally Posted by Earthworm
You set a boundary for you, now the ball is in her court. Do what is good for you in the meantime. Do you want to get back with her?
I told her I didn't know what I needed to see or hear from her to ask her to come home yet as I am trying to figure out my needs. I was able to maintain my sanity and allow her to let the disease take it's own path until now. I hoped she would find her "bottom" soon, but that was up to her. BUT, if I come to believe that the infidelity and alchohol are related, then my comfort level with the drinking must change. Either way, I didn't see any action that rushed me into asking her home yet.
As an excellent codie, I think I know all the answers for her, but I am restraining myself from telling her what I think she should do. This is her journey, and I can be supportive of it, but will not put the words in her mouth that I want to hear. She needs to find her own answers.
She is going to a meeting tonight, and I hope she is able to come out of her shell and ask someone for help and guidance, as this is not a battle I believe she can win on her own.
I certainly do want to get back together with her, but am unable to do so if she is not making a wholehearted effort to try to battle her demons. Now I require more than words- I need to see action and results. I am still not sure what that looks like, but it does not look like what I am seeing today.
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