So Lost
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 4
So Lost
I am new to this site and joined because of my husband and being unsure of what to do after thinking I could fix this myself time and time again over 12 years.
When we 1st got together we both liked to party and have fun, that was 12 years ago when I was 21. So much has happened since then, so many "I am leaving you" conversations. Now I just dont know what to do. I have seen this man in the hospital because he smashed his face on a curb drunk wandering out of a concert we attended. He lost two teeth that night and and needed stitches. He drank and did drugs during my pregnancy while I begged him to stop because we had a baby on the way. I would wake up in the middle of the night and he would be gone. I would call him and he would be at the bar. Right after I gave birth I found out he was trying to cheat on me. He has drank at work on lunchbreaks without my knowing until things got too out of control. He would lie and say he just had a beer with a friend when I would smell beer on his breath. I eventually found out how much he was drinking when after awhile he wouldnt some come until 12am or later on days I was working from home with our son. He would eventually roll in wasted while I sat at home calling him non-stop wondering where he was and if he was okay. These are just a few examples.
When things finally hit an all-time low, he would stop and not drink for awhile and then always eventually go back. I kept saying "this time would be different". I myself like to have a few drinks but never get crazy. I keep thinking this time he will be able to just have a few and be fine. At 1st it always is and then after time, the old raging drunk come back.
We have hit that low again. On Halloween we had 2 friends over. He took off with one of them for cigarettes and came back hours later, completely wasted, never answering phone calls or tects. He came home and passed out after 20 mins. The next day I had to work from home. Little did I know he was drinking throughout the day. He said he was going to drop a friend off somewhere around 3pm and never came home until 5am this morning. I called and texted non-stop. He said I was an overpowering bitch and selfish. I just wanted him to come home and spend time with his family. I woke up constantly throughout the night looking for our car. When I heard the door slam at 5am I was relieved he was alive. He passed out on the couch drunk and brought a friend with him. I left for work with our son and took him to daycare, shaking. I was so upset. I guess they got up and drank and drove to the city to work. My husband left work and drank at the bar from 12-4pm. When I met him to bring him home he was wasted. I cried all day at work. I dont know what to. I found out he hit a car last night. He could have killed someone. What is wrong with him???? Why wont he stop??? What does it take??
He blames me. Saying I am selfish and an enabler because sometimes yes, I want to have a couple of beers with friends. I just want to be a normal couple. I guess I have no right to drink because he is the way he is. I suppose that is what you do when you love someone and dont want them to drink.
Inside I am so tired. I am so embarrassed. I dont want family to know it is happening again. I am looking into rehab for him. I dont know what else to do. I feel so lost and alone.
When we 1st got together we both liked to party and have fun, that was 12 years ago when I was 21. So much has happened since then, so many "I am leaving you" conversations. Now I just dont know what to do. I have seen this man in the hospital because he smashed his face on a curb drunk wandering out of a concert we attended. He lost two teeth that night and and needed stitches. He drank and did drugs during my pregnancy while I begged him to stop because we had a baby on the way. I would wake up in the middle of the night and he would be gone. I would call him and he would be at the bar. Right after I gave birth I found out he was trying to cheat on me. He has drank at work on lunchbreaks without my knowing until things got too out of control. He would lie and say he just had a beer with a friend when I would smell beer on his breath. I eventually found out how much he was drinking when after awhile he wouldnt some come until 12am or later on days I was working from home with our son. He would eventually roll in wasted while I sat at home calling him non-stop wondering where he was and if he was okay. These are just a few examples.
When things finally hit an all-time low, he would stop and not drink for awhile and then always eventually go back. I kept saying "this time would be different". I myself like to have a few drinks but never get crazy. I keep thinking this time he will be able to just have a few and be fine. At 1st it always is and then after time, the old raging drunk come back.
We have hit that low again. On Halloween we had 2 friends over. He took off with one of them for cigarettes and came back hours later, completely wasted, never answering phone calls or tects. He came home and passed out after 20 mins. The next day I had to work from home. Little did I know he was drinking throughout the day. He said he was going to drop a friend off somewhere around 3pm and never came home until 5am this morning. I called and texted non-stop. He said I was an overpowering bitch and selfish. I just wanted him to come home and spend time with his family. I woke up constantly throughout the night looking for our car. When I heard the door slam at 5am I was relieved he was alive. He passed out on the couch drunk and brought a friend with him. I left for work with our son and took him to daycare, shaking. I was so upset. I guess they got up and drank and drove to the city to work. My husband left work and drank at the bar from 12-4pm. When I met him to bring him home he was wasted. I cried all day at work. I dont know what to. I found out he hit a car last night. He could have killed someone. What is wrong with him???? Why wont he stop??? What does it take??
He blames me. Saying I am selfish and an enabler because sometimes yes, I want to have a couple of beers with friends. I just want to be a normal couple. I guess I have no right to drink because he is the way he is. I suppose that is what you do when you love someone and dont want them to drink.
Inside I am so tired. I am so embarrassed. I dont want family to know it is happening again. I am looking into rehab for him. I dont know what else to do. I feel so lost and alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 4
I wanted to add that my husband was sober for a little over a year until recently. When he is not drinking he is a good man and an incredible father. I just want him to be that all the time and dont know how to do it. I love who is when he is sober and that is why I stay and try to work through these things. I have faith that the man I fell in love with is still in there, I just need to find a way to bring him back for good.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
I'm glad you found SR, there is lots of support here.
I am sorry that you are going through this. I know what you mean about the embarrassment. I did my best to cover up my STBXAH drinking for a long time before it was just so completely out of control that I couldn't keep up.
Does he acknowledge that he has relapsed and wants to go rehab?
Others will be along with More info. But for now read as many of the stickies (at the top) as you can. When I first arrived here, I was recommended t read 'codependent no more' b melody Beattie and found it to be extremely helpful.
Take care of yourself.
I am sorry that you are going through this. I know what you mean about the embarrassment. I did my best to cover up my STBXAH drinking for a long time before it was just so completely out of control that I couldn't keep up.
Does he acknowledge that he has relapsed and wants to go rehab?
Others will be along with More info. But for now read as many of the stickies (at the top) as you can. When I first arrived here, I was recommended t read 'codependent no more' b melody Beattie and found it to be extremely helpful.
Take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Hi and welcome - I am so sorry you are are going through this.
I am dealing with my AH relapse. It is a first run for me. I have been on here a couple of weeks and have been going to al anon. I am no expert but I will share with you what I have learned.
This is not your fault. You didn't cause it. Whether or not you drink is something that would be applicable if your husband was sober and you guys decided what is ok and not. in my opinion it doesn't matter if he is currently using. If you stop, he won't it doesn't make any difference. Its nothing more than an excuse for him. If you stopped he would say you forgot to take out the trash and it made him drink. In other words - he will always blame you. Get used to it.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. With each action of stopping and starting it starts small and ends up big. You are noticing it keeps ending up in the same place. You are a smart woman, pay attention. It will always end up this way. Always. No if ands or buts.So you might as well go ahead and accept that because it will help you to understand the nature of alcoholism rather than to hope and be disappointed.
I know you are obsessing over what you can do to help him, probably desperate. I hope you will take the time to think about yourself and your son. Your husband is drinking and driving, he hit a car last night - you worry about if he hit someone, how do you know he didn't? If that car is titled in your name you might have a bigger problem to deal with than him not coming home. Please take the time to think about how you can protect yourself and your son.
Next up. Stop texting and calling him. He isn't coming home, your pleas don't work. They don't affect him at all. If he doesn't come home, say a prayer for his safe return and for the safety of anyone in his path, and go to sleep.
What's wrong with him is he is an alcoholic. Why won't he stop? Because he can't. Because he has never reached a point in his sickness to say that he can't take it anymore. Because there are no repercussions. Because it is the most selfish insidious disease on this planet and it doesn't care if it hurts you or anyone else. It will survive.
What does it take? Loss. And there are degrees of this. For some the loss of the privelege to drive is enough, loss of a job, loss of a family, loss of home, loss of health. This is otherwise referred to as the "bottom".
You are a co-dependant. An enabler. Alcoholics need these in their lives to function. You look after him, you help him out, you pick him up after a day of drinking. You call him when he doesn't come home and let him know you care. You hide it from the family. You probably hide it from everyone because you are embarrassed, probably more so because once again, here you are.
I have so much compassion for you, for anyone dealing with this. It is the saddest affliction it ruins families and lives. It destroys dreams, it is ruining mine and the man I love so I understand how you feel.
Run, don't walk to al anon. Get there as soon as you can. Commit to 6 meetings. This will help you - it will help you help yourself not help him. Your actions could encourage him - stopping your co-dependent behavior will help you both.
As for rehab - unless he wants help its a waste of money.
Please write on here - get to know the people here they are wonderful. Everything you need to know is right here on SR. Read and read and read. Sending prayers for you tonight. Please know life doesn't have to be this way.
I am dealing with my AH relapse. It is a first run for me. I have been on here a couple of weeks and have been going to al anon. I am no expert but I will share with you what I have learned.
This is not your fault. You didn't cause it. Whether or not you drink is something that would be applicable if your husband was sober and you guys decided what is ok and not. in my opinion it doesn't matter if he is currently using. If you stop, he won't it doesn't make any difference. Its nothing more than an excuse for him. If you stopped he would say you forgot to take out the trash and it made him drink. In other words - he will always blame you. Get used to it.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. With each action of stopping and starting it starts small and ends up big. You are noticing it keeps ending up in the same place. You are a smart woman, pay attention. It will always end up this way. Always. No if ands or buts.So you might as well go ahead and accept that because it will help you to understand the nature of alcoholism rather than to hope and be disappointed.
I know you are obsessing over what you can do to help him, probably desperate. I hope you will take the time to think about yourself and your son. Your husband is drinking and driving, he hit a car last night - you worry about if he hit someone, how do you know he didn't? If that car is titled in your name you might have a bigger problem to deal with than him not coming home. Please take the time to think about how you can protect yourself and your son.
Next up. Stop texting and calling him. He isn't coming home, your pleas don't work. They don't affect him at all. If he doesn't come home, say a prayer for his safe return and for the safety of anyone in his path, and go to sleep.
What's wrong with him is he is an alcoholic. Why won't he stop? Because he can't. Because he has never reached a point in his sickness to say that he can't take it anymore. Because there are no repercussions. Because it is the most selfish insidious disease on this planet and it doesn't care if it hurts you or anyone else. It will survive.
What does it take? Loss. And there are degrees of this. For some the loss of the privelege to drive is enough, loss of a job, loss of a family, loss of home, loss of health. This is otherwise referred to as the "bottom".
You are a co-dependant. An enabler. Alcoholics need these in their lives to function. You look after him, you help him out, you pick him up after a day of drinking. You call him when he doesn't come home and let him know you care. You hide it from the family. You probably hide it from everyone because you are embarrassed, probably more so because once again, here you are.
I have so much compassion for you, for anyone dealing with this. It is the saddest affliction it ruins families and lives. It destroys dreams, it is ruining mine and the man I love so I understand how you feel.
Run, don't walk to al anon. Get there as soon as you can. Commit to 6 meetings. This will help you - it will help you help yourself not help him. Your actions could encourage him - stopping your co-dependent behavior will help you both.
As for rehab - unless he wants help its a waste of money.
Please write on here - get to know the people here they are wonderful. Everything you need to know is right here on SR. Read and read and read. Sending prayers for you tonight. Please know life doesn't have to be this way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 4
Thank you for the responses so far. It is so comforting to know I am not alone and there are others out there going through the same thing. My heart goes out to all of you. I know every story is different but equally painful. I have found an al anon meeting near my home taking place on Sunday. I wish I didnt have to wait and there was one tomorrow instead 
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you. You are not alone!
Some of our stories are posted at the top of this forum page. The posts at the top are called stickies. The stickies have been preserved for the wisdom and information they contain.
Here is a link to one of my favorite stickies. It contains steps that helped me while living with active alcoholism:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you. You are not alone!
Some of our stories are posted at the top of this forum page. The posts at the top are called stickies. The stickies have been preserved for the wisdom and information they contain.
Here is a link to one of my favorite stickies. It contains steps that helped me while living with active alcoholism:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Lehigh Acres, FL
Posts: 3
I feel your pain...my husband does the same thing, he goes out gets drunk, drives really drunk, (used to because our car broke down) it bothers me not having a car but it relieves me that he can't do that anymore. I understand what you're going through. I am there. I married at 21 it's been 4 years, 2 of them my husband has been drinking and it's getting worse. You're in my prayers, You are not alone
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
I too know this too well. I couldn't tell you how many times I didn't know where my ah was just for him to come home wasted hours!! Later. It would be for a simple trip to the store or a friends or anything really that shouldn't take long but always always took a whole day because he got drunk. My ah also says hurtful things while drunk ....I'm selfish. I don't understand. I have no clue...I'm a bitch. I'm miss perfect it kist goes on . Your not alone in that . Also I feel tired all the time!!!! Like just sleepy want to melt . I not only care for small children take care of business but put up with watching him which is why I'm so just bla all the time. I also felt embarassed. I detached from the outside world. Didn't want anyone to come over didn't want to go to families with him didn't want to tell people what he said or did or that he drank all the time. I just wanted a loving healthy happy relationship and to feel proud of my ah like I should. Not worry that hellcsay something or act a way towards friends or family that would embarass me and oh he has too! Now I'm soooo tired and I'm soooo embarassed because (you can try to hide it but it wont stay hidden) that now I've embraced his problem. I talk to people. I open up. I've detached more and worrying less. Not entirely but less.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Irish
Posts: 552
Red Atlanta has said it all.....Run to the Nearest Al Anon Meeting...Im a Recovering=Alcoholic/Drug addict...Sober and Clean now Many Years.It was not until my wife ignored me, and left with our Child that I eventually woke up....My mother had Enabled me all of my Drinking years...but my wife took no heed.....What a wake up call that was.
The Disease.....is Powerful,Cunning,Baffling,It took me over Completely....Without me Realising it....I got Sober in AA...attending now over 30 years
I am attending ACA at the Moment...This is where this Disease in me..Originated.
I really Wish u well....and i know things will work out in Time.
Just do the next Right thing..
The Disease.....is Powerful,Cunning,Baffling,It took me over Completely....Without me Realising it....I got Sober in AA...attending now over 30 years
I am attending ACA at the Moment...This is where this Disease in me..Originated.
I really Wish u well....and i know things will work out in Time.
Just do the next Right thing..
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