Can't get rid of him
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 15
Can't get rid of him
I have told my AH that I don't want to be together anymore. He cried and said he needed me, to try and remember all the good times, what about the kids, what about our nine years together, let's go to marriage counselling and sort it out. I got sucked back in to the guilt trip, him saying this time he will give up (I'm sure he said that last time but he reckons he said "cut back"), and feeling sorry for him.
He has gone around to our group of friends crying to them and everyone is calling me wanting to catch up and see if I'm ok and talk me into staying with him. They say he's really sorry and I'm sure he is because I've heard the word sorry come out of his mouth so many times before but it doesn't mean a thing to him. He even came home from work early because he couldn't stop crying.
I really do not want this relationship anymore. I am sick of looking after him like he is a baby and him promising to stop drinking. I have been hearing this for years and years and my life is passing by and I'm not living it! Then I keep getting caught up in arguments that go round and round and I swear it is like arguing with him when he is drunk because we never resolve anything and then I just get frustrated and stop arguing because I'm just wasting my breath. He turns things around on me and brings things up that I have done in the past and he knows that I just don't fight back after that. I know I want to leave but why do I keep getting sucked in and feeling guilty and sorry for him and I feel like I'm not strong enough to argue back. I have noticed this has been going on for our whole relationship - even before we had kids and I still never had the balls to end it! I feel like I'm getting deeper and deeper into this unhappy relationship and it gets harder to get out. Every time I get strong enough to leave I get caught up in needing to find a reason to leave and he asks why and then I stay and get weak again. Not sure if I'm even making sense right now but thanks for listening.
Oh and another thing he says is what about the kids not having a dad around....because he knows it gets me every time because my mum and dad split up when I was young.
He has gone around to our group of friends crying to them and everyone is calling me wanting to catch up and see if I'm ok and talk me into staying with him. They say he's really sorry and I'm sure he is because I've heard the word sorry come out of his mouth so many times before but it doesn't mean a thing to him. He even came home from work early because he couldn't stop crying.
I really do not want this relationship anymore. I am sick of looking after him like he is a baby and him promising to stop drinking. I have been hearing this for years and years and my life is passing by and I'm not living it! Then I keep getting caught up in arguments that go round and round and I swear it is like arguing with him when he is drunk because we never resolve anything and then I just get frustrated and stop arguing because I'm just wasting my breath. He turns things around on me and brings things up that I have done in the past and he knows that I just don't fight back after that. I know I want to leave but why do I keep getting sucked in and feeling guilty and sorry for him and I feel like I'm not strong enough to argue back. I have noticed this has been going on for our whole relationship - even before we had kids and I still never had the balls to end it! I feel like I'm getting deeper and deeper into this unhappy relationship and it gets harder to get out. Every time I get strong enough to leave I get caught up in needing to find a reason to leave and he asks why and then I stay and get weak again. Not sure if I'm even making sense right now but thanks for listening.
Oh and another thing he says is what about the kids not having a dad around....because he knows it gets me every time because my mum and dad split up when I was young.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 15
He's also going back to his parents for a week - they drink every night and even more on weekends. This happened last year when he admitted he had a problem and all his friends and family convinced him he didn't have a problem, so he thought he didn't and it started all over again.
I swear I am going crazy in this relationship. Yesterday he said this time I can stop, this time I'm getting help and when he said that I just burst out into uncontrollable laughter. I have heard this all before and he can't see how ridiculous this is! Then I started crying and he looked at me and asked if I was on drugs because I was laughing and crying at the same time. Then he said I think there is something wrong with you and I just burst out laughing again. I really am losing it and I feel like I can't even cry about this situation with him because I don't want to let him see how hurt I am. I try to save my crying for when I am by myself, when I go to counselling and when I go to alanon. I guess I don't want to cry infront of him because he will comfort me and tell me he will change and I will be caught up in staying with him yet again
I swear I am going crazy in this relationship. Yesterday he said this time I can stop, this time I'm getting help and when he said that I just burst out into uncontrollable laughter. I have heard this all before and he can't see how ridiculous this is! Then I started crying and he looked at me and asked if I was on drugs because I was laughing and crying at the same time. Then he said I think there is something wrong with you and I just burst out laughing again. I really am losing it and I feel like I can't even cry about this situation with him because I don't want to let him see how hurt I am. I try to save my crying for when I am by myself, when I go to counselling and when I go to alanon. I guess I don't want to cry infront of him because he will comfort me and tell me he will change and I will be caught up in staying with him yet again
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
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I am really sorry for what you're going through.
Addicts are really good at turning things back around on you, on bringing things up from your past to take the focus on them and on guilt tripping you and playing to your emotions.
You are enabling his behavior, and his drinking by staying with him, by keeping everything the same he feels like he can "have it all" and like he's "in control"
Maybe losing you will be what forces him to admit to himself that he has a problem and become active in recovery.
Addicts are really good at playing the "Poor me everyone is out to get me card" without even realize that it's their own actions or drinking that's causing their issues. They like to blame everyone else because they can't see or admit to themselves that THEY and their use is the problem.
Can't admit it because admitting it means having to stop and the thought of stopping is terrifying.
Do you have family or close friends you and your kids can stay with for a bit? I think you need to take some time apart. Spend some time away from him and his manipulation and see where you end up. Go no contact and figure out what it is that YOU want without his guilt trips clouding your thinking.
Would it be possible for you to get away from him for a bit? I think distance can be really helpful in deciding what you want.
It's really really hard because we spend so long placing the addicts feelings before ours and taking care of their needs that we forget about our needs and feel uncomfortable attending to ourselves.
But I think it's really important that you do. For your sake and for your kids and even for his too.
You don't deserve to be crying alone because your husband can't take care of himself and goes out of his way to make you feel badly when you've put up with so much and he has absolutely no gratitude.
You just need to believe you're worth more than how he treats you, because you really are.
And as an alcoholic the "I can stop anytime" is just BS lie we tell ourselves and other people. If we could stop any time, we would.
You're not his Mother. He is a grown man who is going to make his own decisions, but you can make the decision NOT to be apart of that. It sounds like that's what you want so what's holding you back?
He doesn't deserve you, and you don't deserve him. Not while he's in active addiction
Addicts are really good at turning things back around on you, on bringing things up from your past to take the focus on them and on guilt tripping you and playing to your emotions.
You are enabling his behavior, and his drinking by staying with him, by keeping everything the same he feels like he can "have it all" and like he's "in control"
Maybe losing you will be what forces him to admit to himself that he has a problem and become active in recovery.
Addicts are really good at playing the "Poor me everyone is out to get me card" without even realize that it's their own actions or drinking that's causing their issues. They like to blame everyone else because they can't see or admit to themselves that THEY and their use is the problem.
Can't admit it because admitting it means having to stop and the thought of stopping is terrifying.
Do you have family or close friends you and your kids can stay with for a bit? I think you need to take some time apart. Spend some time away from him and his manipulation and see where you end up. Go no contact and figure out what it is that YOU want without his guilt trips clouding your thinking.
Would it be possible for you to get away from him for a bit? I think distance can be really helpful in deciding what you want.
It's really really hard because we spend so long placing the addicts feelings before ours and taking care of their needs that we forget about our needs and feel uncomfortable attending to ourselves.
But I think it's really important that you do. For your sake and for your kids and even for his too.
You don't deserve to be crying alone because your husband can't take care of himself and goes out of his way to make you feel badly when you've put up with so much and he has absolutely no gratitude.
You just need to believe you're worth more than how he treats you, because you really are.
And as an alcoholic the "I can stop anytime" is just BS lie we tell ourselves and other people. If we could stop any time, we would.
You're not his Mother. He is a grown man who is going to make his own decisions, but you can make the decision NOT to be apart of that. It sounds like that's what you want so what's holding you back?
He doesn't deserve you, and you don't deserve him. Not while he's in active addiction
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Sorry you're going through this & hurting.
Sounds like you're going round & round & circles & unless there is change then that will continue to happen.
Only you can choose what to do but I suggest putting yourself & your children first for a change.
Hugs to you.
Sounds like you're going round & round & circles & unless there is change then that will continue to happen.
Only you can choose what to do but I suggest putting yourself & your children first for a change.
Hugs to you.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 15
He has told everyone it is because of his drinking that I want to leave him. It makes me wonder if he is telling everyone so that he can hear them say no you don't have a drinking problem....and then he can go back to drinking because everyone has said he doesn't have a problem. All of our friends know he drinks too much but it's almost as though they don't want to see him stop because he is the life of the party and they all have a good time when he's around and drunk off his face. A few of them have told him again that he does not need to give up.
He will be away for a week and apparently is going to AA meetings and private counselling. He wants to ring and speak to the kids while he is away I told him that is fine. I am not scared of being alone. I actually look forward to being able to spend time with my kids and taking care of myself. I have my mum and sister to move in with if I do decide to finally leave. They are supportive of my decision.
He will be away for a week and apparently is going to AA meetings and private counselling. He wants to ring and speak to the kids while he is away I told him that is fine. I am not scared of being alone. I actually look forward to being able to spend time with my kids and taking care of myself. I have my mum and sister to move in with if I do decide to finally leave. They are supportive of my decision.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
You could be right, hate friends like that, only true friends would tell him he needs to stop though.
Take the time for yourself & your kids.
I have 2 on my own, have done for 6 years, it can be done & they're doing just fine.
Take the time for yourself & your kids.
I have 2 on my own, have done for 6 years, it can be done & they're doing just fine.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
His actions will prove whether he's serious.
Words mean nothing.
Move on with your life. If he's serious about getting sober, he will get sober.
A friend of mine who grew up with an alcoholic father said to me when I left my AXH that "you may just have done him the greatest favor anyone ever will -- you are showing him that his drinking has consequences." I truly believe that.
And pfft on the line about the kids. I'm fairly sure if we polled the ACOAs and codies on this board that you'd get a pretty good majority for "It's better to have one functional parent than two parents dragged down by one's addiction."
Words mean nothing.
Move on with your life. If he's serious about getting sober, he will get sober.
A friend of mine who grew up with an alcoholic father said to me when I left my AXH that "you may just have done him the greatest favor anyone ever will -- you are showing him that his drinking has consequences." I truly believe that.
And pfft on the line about the kids. I'm fairly sure if we polled the ACOAs and codies on this board that you'd get a pretty good majority for "It's better to have one functional parent than two parents dragged down by one's addiction."
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by lillamy 
And pfft on the line about the kids. I'm fairly sure if we polled the ACOAs and codies on this board that you'd get a pretty good majority for "It's better to have one functional parent than two parents dragged down by one's addiction."
In some ways I would've preferred divorce, since at least I could've got to know my father. But my mom did an awesome job herself anyway, so don't let that scare you. Plus it sounds like you already know your AH is using the kids to push your buttons anyway... Ick!
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