Had to break the silence...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: GA
Posts: 5
Had to break the silence...
Here is my story, I know everyone has one and they are all heartbreaking and why oh why.
I have been married 10 years, since I was 22-husband was 20. We had fun, did stupid stuff in the younger years-survived and stopped the party stuff with no issues. Settled into life-jobs, 401ks, savings accounts, car payments, etc...just life. Husband traveled allot in from marriage years 2-3. Then I got pregnant (not a surprise, more of a I knew you were going to be here daughter of mine but you came a bit earlier then I thought). Daughter born, I had a bit of post baby blues and husband was still traveling. I raised her the first 2.5 years of her life mostly by myself-although I had support from husband when he was home, grandparents and even great grandparents. Husband found a job with no traveling, worked for a few years-we bought a house after the bubble collapsed, great deal, good location, can afford on my income (have worked for same job 10 years-fingers crossed). Then comes the fun part-while husband was traveling he drank with co-workers, stayed up late (went to New Orleans and went missing for 12 hours cause he was so drunk couldn't remember hotel room and spent 3000 on our bank account and company credit card. Went to Miami and got robbed at gun point-and he told me he sleep with someone else then said he was lying just to hurt me, etc..) but now he is home more-great for daughter right? Not so much. He drank, I drank to keep him company-but not much, had work and a daughter to take care of.
It started out as him getting mad about something and yelling, then came the throwing things or punching walls and doors. Then he started breaking things-dining room chairs (b/c I didn't cook him dinner, when he knew since meeting me I don't cook for safety reasons but I will help with anything else), or him trying to break computer xmas present from my dad, or phones in case I wanted to call to talk to someone, fighting me for keys to the car, etc..first time he physical hurt me he pulled me by my hair (on the floor) across the living room and threw me on the front porch-neighbors heard me screaming and crying and called the cops. He went to jail-but it was only one time, he just had too much, I can't leave him in jail. , he was soo soo sorry and he went through the courses, community service, etc..he will learn. WRONG! Took him back, family accepted it was just a one time thing (although my mom and dad were very concerned and started watching and listening to my warning signs). Fast forward to January 2012. So far this year he has quit two jobs and lied about it-saying they didn't have work for him when he just didn't show up cause he was to hungover to drive. I leave for work (not feeling great myself, but with the understand daughter has to go to school) and he keeps daughter home. He has busted down 3 interior doors (I tried to separate myself from him when he was angry), busted down one of the doors by punching a screw driver through it, hit me with the car-not hard-when I tried to keep him from driving drunk. And much more stuff. And the current situation came about because I just couldn't keep quiet anymore to family or coworkers.
Currently, he is in a inpatient rehab in another state. He gets out in January (leaving me to deal with the holidays, finding money for Christmas for daughter, putting up the tree, driving many miles to family, etc.. to myself). My family hates him for good reason, his family understands what I am going through and are really great-but I have to be there for him otherwise he won't get better. I am trying to find money to talk to a therapist-but its hard with the financial ruin my life is in. I can't get to any meetings of the AA kind (for myself, although I am much better without him here) or the Alanon kind because I have no child care and can't get to one on work lunch break.
Sorry for the ramble, just not sure where to go/what to do next. Honestly am scared if I divorce or legally separate from him. Not sure what he will do. He told me it was in my head, it didn't happen, I am crazy. My favorite is I am a "bad mom" and he can't trust me with daughter. I opened account in my name only and seeing as he has no job, he can't come back to my state without help. I am not sure if I do want him back, not used to being by myself. But.But.But he is a good guy when he is sober-just afraid if he comes back it won't last. At this moment, I think a Zombie apocalypse might be easier to deal with.
I have been married 10 years, since I was 22-husband was 20. We had fun, did stupid stuff in the younger years-survived and stopped the party stuff with no issues. Settled into life-jobs, 401ks, savings accounts, car payments, etc...just life. Husband traveled allot in from marriage years 2-3. Then I got pregnant (not a surprise, more of a I knew you were going to be here daughter of mine but you came a bit earlier then I thought). Daughter born, I had a bit of post baby blues and husband was still traveling. I raised her the first 2.5 years of her life mostly by myself-although I had support from husband when he was home, grandparents and even great grandparents. Husband found a job with no traveling, worked for a few years-we bought a house after the bubble collapsed, great deal, good location, can afford on my income (have worked for same job 10 years-fingers crossed). Then comes the fun part-while husband was traveling he drank with co-workers, stayed up late (went to New Orleans and went missing for 12 hours cause he was so drunk couldn't remember hotel room and spent 3000 on our bank account and company credit card. Went to Miami and got robbed at gun point-and he told me he sleep with someone else then said he was lying just to hurt me, etc..) but now he is home more-great for daughter right? Not so much. He drank, I drank to keep him company-but not much, had work and a daughter to take care of.
It started out as him getting mad about something and yelling, then came the throwing things or punching walls and doors. Then he started breaking things-dining room chairs (b/c I didn't cook him dinner, when he knew since meeting me I don't cook for safety reasons but I will help with anything else), or him trying to break computer xmas present from my dad, or phones in case I wanted to call to talk to someone, fighting me for keys to the car, etc..first time he physical hurt me he pulled me by my hair (on the floor) across the living room and threw me on the front porch-neighbors heard me screaming and crying and called the cops. He went to jail-but it was only one time, he just had too much, I can't leave him in jail. , he was soo soo sorry and he went through the courses, community service, etc..he will learn. WRONG! Took him back, family accepted it was just a one time thing (although my mom and dad were very concerned and started watching and listening to my warning signs). Fast forward to January 2012. So far this year he has quit two jobs and lied about it-saying they didn't have work for him when he just didn't show up cause he was to hungover to drive. I leave for work (not feeling great myself, but with the understand daughter has to go to school) and he keeps daughter home. He has busted down 3 interior doors (I tried to separate myself from him when he was angry), busted down one of the doors by punching a screw driver through it, hit me with the car-not hard-when I tried to keep him from driving drunk. And much more stuff. And the current situation came about because I just couldn't keep quiet anymore to family or coworkers.
Currently, he is in a inpatient rehab in another state. He gets out in January (leaving me to deal with the holidays, finding money for Christmas for daughter, putting up the tree, driving many miles to family, etc.. to myself). My family hates him for good reason, his family understands what I am going through and are really great-but I have to be there for him otherwise he won't get better. I am trying to find money to talk to a therapist-but its hard with the financial ruin my life is in. I can't get to any meetings of the AA kind (for myself, although I am much better without him here) or the Alanon kind because I have no child care and can't get to one on work lunch break.
Sorry for the ramble, just not sure where to go/what to do next. Honestly am scared if I divorce or legally separate from him. Not sure what he will do. He told me it was in my head, it didn't happen, I am crazy. My favorite is I am a "bad mom" and he can't trust me with daughter. I opened account in my name only and seeing as he has no job, he can't come back to my state without help. I am not sure if I do want him back, not used to being by myself. But.But.But he is a good guy when he is sober-just afraid if he comes back it won't last. At this moment, I think a Zombie apocalypse might be easier to deal with.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Hi BlueGreen, welcome, so glad you found us.
That is a huge amount of stress you have on your plate.
The good part is , you have til January at this point til he comes back. That gives you sometime to get this all sorted out.
What strikes me most is the fact that your husband sounds like a very violent man. The safety of you and your child is most important.
You said he told you you were crazy, it never happened, this does not sound like something that would be coming out of the mouth of someone in serious recovery. He may be sober, that does not mean the disease has abated, his denial is still very deep, that is not good.
Sounds like you need some support.
You may be able to get help with your children with al anon, please check into that, there may be meetings with child care. I personally think that some real time support would be very helpful for you. You need a place to go that supports all that lies ahead.
Please keep posting, read the forum, there are lots of book recommendations. A couple of books I found very helpful in educating me about alcoholism were
Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice I thinks is his name.
The Addictive Personality, not sure of the authors name off hand.
There are stickies at the top of the friends and family page, if you have not read them , they too can be very helpful, I read them over and over and over again.
We are here, keep posting, we care.
love to you Katie
PS , you might want to get the ball rolling on a legal separation, you can always change your mind, but it sounds like you need to start protecting yourself and your assets.
That is a huge amount of stress you have on your plate.
The good part is , you have til January at this point til he comes back. That gives you sometime to get this all sorted out.
What strikes me most is the fact that your husband sounds like a very violent man. The safety of you and your child is most important.
You said he told you you were crazy, it never happened, this does not sound like something that would be coming out of the mouth of someone in serious recovery. He may be sober, that does not mean the disease has abated, his denial is still very deep, that is not good.
Sounds like you need some support.
You may be able to get help with your children with al anon, please check into that, there may be meetings with child care. I personally think that some real time support would be very helpful for you. You need a place to go that supports all that lies ahead.
Please keep posting, read the forum, there are lots of book recommendations. A couple of books I found very helpful in educating me about alcoholism were
Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice I thinks is his name.
The Addictive Personality, not sure of the authors name off hand.
There are stickies at the top of the friends and family page, if you have not read them , they too can be very helpful, I read them over and over and over again.
We are here, keep posting, we care.
love to you Katie
PS , you might want to get the ball rolling on a legal separation, you can always change your mind, but it sounds like you need to start protecting yourself and your assets.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
BlueGreen, this is terrible that you are having to live this way. You've come to a great place here on Sober Recovery to get lots of support and insight.
If you are new here, there are "stickies" at the top of the Friends and Family of Alcoholics page- threads which cover some of the most important topics we family members and friends have to deal with as we live with our alcoholic partners. So take some time to look at them; they'll give you some useful information.
Old timers on this board told me when I first came, in great crisis, that there are three "c"s about being the partner of an alcoholic:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
The alcoholic themselves have to make this decision. Going to de-tox and rehab is a start, but they also have to choose to stop drinking. And just stopping drinking isn't enough; to stay sober and get back to a productive life, they have to deal with the emotional problems that they've been trying to suppress with alcohol. That usually means AA, a sponsor, some other type of alcoholics program, therapy, a real commitment to a real plan of action to get better.
I am very concerned about what you've written about your AH's violence. That is very scary, and you don't ever have to live with it.
I am sure more people will be by soon to post. In the meantime, this is a great place to be, and you will be welcomed and supported. Come back soon, come back often, we're here for you.
ShootingStar1
If you are new here, there are "stickies" at the top of the Friends and Family of Alcoholics page- threads which cover some of the most important topics we family members and friends have to deal with as we live with our alcoholic partners. So take some time to look at them; they'll give you some useful information.
Old timers on this board told me when I first came, in great crisis, that there are three "c"s about being the partner of an alcoholic:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
The alcoholic themselves have to make this decision. Going to de-tox and rehab is a start, but they also have to choose to stop drinking. And just stopping drinking isn't enough; to stay sober and get back to a productive life, they have to deal with the emotional problems that they've been trying to suppress with alcohol. That usually means AA, a sponsor, some other type of alcoholics program, therapy, a real commitment to a real plan of action to get better.
I am very concerned about what you've written about your AH's violence. That is very scary, and you don't ever have to live with it.
I am sure more people will be by soon to post. In the meantime, this is a great place to be, and you will be welcomed and supported. Come back soon, come back often, we're here for you.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: FL
Posts: 1,072
Wow, your post actually frightened me. He hit you with the car???
Hello! No offense and I have not been in your situation but my heart wants to yell out to you to run! This man is dangerous, and its escalating. Don't fall for the "hearts and flowers" stage he gives you. You have to take care of your daughter and yourself.
It will not be easy, but you cannot continue to live like that.
Keep posting and good luck..big hugs to you. We are all here for you.
Hello! No offense and I have not been in your situation but my heart wants to yell out to you to run! This man is dangerous, and its escalating. Don't fall for the "hearts and flowers" stage he gives you. You have to take care of your daughter and yourself.
It will not be easy, but you cannot continue to live like that.
Keep posting and good luck..big hugs to you. We are all here for you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
I am glad you found SR. You will find lots of support here.
As I read your story, I think, thank goodness that you have some time and space from him. Time and space may help you gain some clarity on the situation.
He definitely seems violent and that it is escalating. Look after yourself and your child. Things will be hard, but in time you might see that they were even harder with him around. It sounds as though it is a very unhealthy place for a child.
Sending you strength and good vibes.
Take care.
As I read your story, I think, thank goodness that you have some time and space from him. Time and space may help you gain some clarity on the situation.
He definitely seems violent and that it is escalating. Look after yourself and your child. Things will be hard, but in time you might see that they were even harder with him around. It sounds as though it is a very unhealthy place for a child.
Sending you strength and good vibes.
Take care.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I'm glad you found us, but sorry for the reason that brings you here. Stick around and make yourself comfortable. You will find lots of support and information to help you.
About this:
Not so.
Unless you are like the Wizard of Oz or a trained professional, he needs to own his addiction/behaviors and find his own path to recovery. He is an adult. He got himself into this mess and he can find his way out.
Reading at the top of the forum pages, there are permanent posts called Stickies. This is one of my favorite stickies:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I'm glad you found us, but sorry for the reason that brings you here. Stick around and make yourself comfortable. You will find lots of support and information to help you.
About this:
Originally Posted by BlueGreen 
but I have to be there for him otherwise he won't get better. .
Unless you are like the Wizard of Oz or a trained professional, he needs to own his addiction/behaviors and find his own path to recovery. He is an adult. He got himself into this mess and he can find his way out.
Reading at the top of the forum pages, there are permanent posts called Stickies. This is one of my favorite stickies:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Lehigh Acres, FL
Posts: 3
I am new to SR too....but I can tell you I understand you since I am too a wife to an alcoholic, and he is also violent. At least you are getting some space and time for yourself even though it must be hard too...
Hope everything gets better for you and your kid....God bless you
Hope everything gets better for you and your kid....God bless you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: GA
Posts: 5
Thanks everyone for the tips and words of encouragement. I can relate to so many of these postings. I am still amazed that the person that is suppose to love and support me most can turn around and hurt me like husband has.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Originally Posted by BlueGreen
Thanks everyone for the tips and words of encouragement. I can relate to so many of these postings. I am still amazed that the person that is suppose to love and support me most can turn around and hurt me like husband has.
He has a disease, a disease only he can heal, until he does that seriously it will be more of the same.
Ask me how I know
ask anyone who responded to you, it's agony, you can move on, or heal yourself, I'm so much more put together now than I was when I first joined the forum, I'm totally at peace and happy with myself now, it took me my whole life to date to feel that way. The first thing I did was admitted I was powerless, it was very freeing.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"But I have to be there for him otherwise he won't get better."
Actually you have nothing to do with his soberity. It is his addiction, his problem to resolve, not yours. That is your ego and codependency speaking. Have you read the stickeys at the top of this and all of the Family & Friends Forums and cynical one's blogs, lots of knowledge at your fingertips.
Actually you have nothing to do with his soberity. It is his addiction, his problem to resolve, not yours. That is your ego and codependency speaking. Have you read the stickeys at the top of this and all of the Family & Friends Forums and cynical one's blogs, lots of knowledge at your fingertips.
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