What should I do?
 

The ABF is getting out of rehab on Wednesday. We are trying to figure out where he is going when he gets out. He claims he has been calling halfway houses for a while, and no luck. He can't come back to my house because I still have an active protective order.

And that is the least of his problems. I am worried that if he comes back he will go right back to drinking because all of his buddies and his evil sister live 5 minutes away, and he is not strong enough to stay away from them at this point.

He can't go back to his sister's house because she is mad at him because I got a power of attorney and took his cars back from her right under her nose, and there was nothing she could do about it. He said he has to go back at some point to get his stuff, and I said don't worry about it, it is all replaceable. He said he has to get his social security card and birth certificate, and I said don't worry about it, I already have replacements coming, you never have to go back there if you don't want to.

He said okay, which is actually shocking, but I think he really doesn't want to go back there. Every time in the past he would argue with me, but he knows it's not a good environment for him.

I am trying to move (far away-this town is doing nothing for me either) and he can move in with me when I do, but I haven't done it yet. So I don't know where he is going to go, because it's getting close. I am trying to let go and let God on this one, but I am really getting worried.

And I know it's not really my problem, but like everyone says, I wanted him to go, he went, now I have to see it through.

I personally would get a different BF. One that is not an alcoholic.

"and he can move in with me when I do,"

Why? What's the rush?Why not see what he does, how long he can stay sober? He can go to the Salvation Army, free program. Rehab does not make for recovery, it is all about what he does AFTER he gets out, can he manage to stay sober without a structured program? That is the real test.

You have a no contact order, there was a reason for it, rehab will not change his personality, who he really is.

There is no rush with him moving in. Trust me, I have plenty of my own issues to go through before I worry about him. I just don't want him homeless on the street or something because no one will take him.

Halfway houses are a ton of money, and you have to have it up front. The rehab will pay for one in that county but I am looking at some out of state, but he will need the money. All of the ones in the county are full.

And I was taught to never turn my back on someone who is doing the right thing. The circumstances of the protective order occurred while he was drinking. And how many times did I do exactly the same thing to him and he never went and got one on me? Trust me, I am not innocent in all this. I am just as much to blame as him, and I have no addiction to hide behind.

How about allowing him to take care of himself? It might be the most supportive thing you could do for him in the long run. Treating a man like a man is not turning your back on him. He doesn't have terminal cancer and I assume he's of average intelligence. He can do it. He really can.

Once my ex quit putting all his energy into trying to get other people, or the system, to take care of him he actually started to get his life together. I had to stop taking care of him too.

I took care of my husband all the time. To a fault. In hindsight I really see it as one of the more damaging things I did to him and our relationship. I undermined him in about every way possible. Of course he went on and ON and ON when I quit doing it. It was eye opening. It made me a little sick to see him go on like that and even more so to think I encouraged it.

If you guys were so toxic to each other why would you think living together again so soon would be a good idea?

With gentleness I say, you are treating an adult man like a child. The need to "mother him" is not healthy for you.

Please know I am not judging or condemning.

I was also guilty of trying to fix and contol. I had such a strong conviction, I really believed I could help/save/fix....... I am here to say I was DEAD WRONG. I did not understand what I was dealing with.

So both of you are in violation of the protective court order. You certainly are jeopardizing yourself here. Making decisions based on facts and not emotions is what is needed now. Sending you strength.

Agree with Marie.
If this grown man wants a new birth cert, clothing, or anything else, he will see that he gets it on his own.
If he wants to visit his very evil sister, he will find a reason/excuse to do so.
If he's too vulnerable around his friends/family, then he needed to recognize that on his own, by himself, in counseling, in the rehab center. If he didn't recognize it on his own, he will do whatever he wants to do, including jeaporadizing his sobriety.

What are you doing for yourself to prepare yourself to let him lead and control his own life, and also prepare yourself emotionally for the possibility he may fall off the wagon?

"And I was taught to never turn my back on someone who is doing the right thing." (inpieces314)

I do not believe allowing him to fend for himself is turning your back on him.

You are allowing him the dignity to act/decide/choose to be a real grown up man.
Sometimes nurture and guidance turns into smother and suffocate. And what happens when people feel confined/imprisoned? what does an addict do when they feel threatened? He will certainly rebel with the maturity of a 13 year old kid.

We have to allow others the dignity to thrive or fail.

Even though you are choosing to let him and his actions/choices effect your life, the bottom line is this is about him and not you. ( It sucks, but it's the painful truth).

Take sometime for yourself, make yourself the focus of your life. He has a long journey with his recovery, and if he really is going to work his program, you are going to have alot of free time on your hands, so why not invest some time in YOU?