Today - Need Strength
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 48
Thank you so much for all your thoughts and help
@Katiekate - I think that I felt embarrassed because I wasn't able to stick to my guns. I got sucked into thinking about him rather than me. I wanted to ask him for a separation, but someone felt that I didn't have the courage or the strength. I'm pretty new to my own recovery.
@SparkleKitty - Maybe this is all in my head, but he can put on a good front at being completely recovered. I think that there is blackmail and control going on here. He's thinking of what is good for himself rather than the kids.
@ShootingStar1 - You are right. I would be handling this much differently and better if I was further along in my recovery and better at setting boundaries. In that one conversation, I let everything that I've learned and have been practicing in Al-Alon fall alway. But, I also have to cut myself a break. I can regroup and do what I need to do. Not everyone (in fact probably very few people) get it right the first time.
@Katiekate - I think that I felt embarrassed because I wasn't able to stick to my guns. I got sucked into thinking about him rather than me. I wanted to ask him for a separation, but someone felt that I didn't have the courage or the strength. I'm pretty new to my own recovery.
@SparkleKitty - Maybe this is all in my head, but he can put on a good front at being completely recovered. I think that there is blackmail and control going on here. He's thinking of what is good for himself rather than the kids.
@ShootingStar1 - You are right. I would be handling this much differently and better if I was further along in my recovery and better at setting boundaries. In that one conversation, I let everything that I've learned and have been practicing in Al-Alon fall alway. But, I also have to cut myself a break. I can regroup and do what I need to do. Not everyone (in fact probably very few people) get it right the first time.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
@Katiekate - I think that I felt embarrassed because I wasn't able to stick to my guns. I got sucked into thinking about him rather than me. I wanted to ask him for a separation, but someone felt that I didn't have the courage or the strength. I'm pretty new to my own recovery.
As they say here on SR, progress not perfection. We have all made decisions and then backed down. It's part of the process, you are not alone in that.
Keep moving forward, step by step, it takes time.
As they say here on SR, progress not perfection. We have all made decisions and then backed down. It's part of the process, you are not alone in that.
Keep moving forward, step by step, it takes time.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 211
Hey there Graceland, I am just now getting caught up on posts and hope you are doing ok.
Regarding what he wrote: I counted just under 50 times he refers to himself. 50 times! We have the same AH in many ways. I see self pity, regret about losing what he has, I see all about what he needs--just when he needs it most.
What I don't see is how sorry he is for having hurt his family. I don't see that the tears in his eyes according to his own words are for the harm he caused, but for what he perceives he is losing. I see "I want, I want, I want".
Listen to your gut. Take care of you and the kids. Try not to worry about the outcome too much based on what he says. I think from things you have said that deep down you do know exactly what you want. I know I did. And I did not do it when I should have, I delayed in the hopes that it would change. In the end, I had to go, just like my gut told me because it did not change.
Hang in there. My thoughts are with you.
Regarding what he wrote: I counted just under 50 times he refers to himself. 50 times! We have the same AH in many ways. I see self pity, regret about losing what he has, I see all about what he needs--just when he needs it most.
What I don't see is how sorry he is for having hurt his family. I don't see that the tears in his eyes according to his own words are for the harm he caused, but for what he perceives he is losing. I see "I want, I want, I want".
Listen to your gut. Take care of you and the kids. Try not to worry about the outcome too much based on what he says. I think from things you have said that deep down you do know exactly what you want. I know I did. And I did not do it when I should have, I delayed in the hopes that it would change. In the end, I had to go, just like my gut told me because it did not change.
Hang in there. My thoughts are with you.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 48
There is nothing that I like better in this world more than a little rhetorical analysis. I had no idea. Fifty Times!!!!
I read through these words and your posts, KeepingMyJoy. It has really put things in perspective for me. I know that we have to separate. I have known for three weeks that we have to separate. I keep getting push-back and I keep wavering myself. Early next week, we are going to see his counselor together. I've spoke to her myself about him about two weeks ago and believe that she has her head on straight. I figure if I reiterate my need for us to recover in separate spaces, separately, rather than living together under the same roof, that she, at least, will hear me. Maybe having a third person in the room will help.
Or it may go horribly wrong.
Who knows? I'll give it a shot because, as KatieKate said, it's progress, not perfection. And just saying that I want separation, saying it again, will help me detach a little bit more from both him and the dream that I had of a little family together. It's not going to happen. At least, it's not going to happen any time soon. I had better get used to it.
I read through these words and your posts, KeepingMyJoy. It has really put things in perspective for me. I know that we have to separate. I have known for three weeks that we have to separate. I keep getting push-back and I keep wavering myself. Early next week, we are going to see his counselor together. I've spoke to her myself about him about two weeks ago and believe that she has her head on straight. I figure if I reiterate my need for us to recover in separate spaces, separately, rather than living together under the same roof, that she, at least, will hear me. Maybe having a third person in the room will help.
Or it may go horribly wrong.
Who knows? I'll give it a shot because, as KatieKate said, it's progress, not perfection. And just saying that I want separation, saying it again, will help me detach a little bit more from both him and the dream that I had of a little family together. It's not going to happen. At least, it's not going to happen any time soon. I had better get used to it.
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