Guidance Needed

Old 11-01-2012, 05:46 PM
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Question Guidance Needed

I came across sober recovery site and I thought this was the place I needed to be. My story initially starts 5 years ago when I met my babies father. He was most likely an alcoholic and drug addict at the time. I was pretty naive and didn't understand the extent. He moved in and it was many downs, there were times he didn't call or come home from work, only to show up drunk the next day. There were many times of hiding use. I got pregnant in 2009; it only went downhill further, he was caught stealing from work and broke into my moms house to steal alcohol. He lost numerous jobs and started cheating. In 2010, he went into treatment and came out in Oct 2011. He came home for one month. He wanted nothing to do with parental responsibilities, and started drinking, lying, and cheating again. I got very sick with herpes virus a month after he was back. I kicked him out, Xmas day, as his biggest concern was finding cigarettes, not being concerned about kids Xmas. And that he was all the other things again. He also has moderate COPD mind you he is only 31. The dr already told him smoking will put him on oxygen within 5 years.
My biggest question is that of him being a parent. My son is now 3, and knows but doesn't really know his dad. He's lived on his own, for almost yr, but is drinking and probably using again. My son has a variety of health conditions, and he can't retain an knowledge of an a dr appt less than 12 hours. He to my knowledge is holding down a job currently, although I am waiting for the day the child support stops. He has lost his "room apt " and has disappeared, I have received vague text , him saying he's a monster and wants to come home. I have no idea who he is with or where as he will not speak to me. "says he can't". In the best interest of my sanity and my child, should we cut all ties? I am protecting my son, btw he could persue supervised visits via court, choosing not to. Oh I cant forget to mention he has mental health issues, that r untreated and has lost excessive amts of weight in short period, he's emanciated 130lbs at 6'2... I plan on attending alanon. I've read others stories and he is same lying, cheating, broken promises, I'm an alcoholic it's a disease I can't help it to it's not illegal I can go drinking in a bar, I don't have a problem. I've grown much stronger thru it all, unfortunately I don't trust men. And I need to know how to get my toddler thru this. Right now i have removed reminder photos, and told him daddy is making bad choices. When he makes good ones maybe u can see him again. Thanks for reading.
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Old 11-01-2012, 07:24 PM
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Welcome to the SR family!

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as often as needed. Some of our stories are in the permanent posts (called stickies) located at the top of this main forum page. I am always finding wisdom when I read in the stickies.

I think Alanon meetings are a great idea. They have helped me to be a healthier ME and a better mom. The tools I learn at Alanon also help me in work and other personal relationships.

How to help your toddler?

I believe in letting them be children as long as possible.
I keep adult issues out of their ears, minds and thoughts as much as I can.
I try to give them information, but only at a level they can understand.

A 3 year old does not know the difference between a week and a month. His understanding is that dad is around sometimes. That's all he knows. He does not have any other example to compare it too. That is good.

His normal is this: Dad is not around all the time ~ Mom is around to care for me.

When he is older, explain that Dad is sick and trying to get better.

Keep coming back, we care about you!
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Old 11-01-2012, 08:18 PM
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Now, I need to understand how to let go of the anger. I've been living on the theory"it is what it is, I can only change me." but damn, I'm mad. I'm guilty I choose to be involved with him and have a baby.

In my first post I meant, his father can't keep track of my sons medical issues/appts.

And my little guy asked me to be pretend daddy, I asked what a daddy would do, he only quoted about his dads job. Nothing else because u r right ge knows nothing else.
Thanks for commenting, I need to know I'm not the only person dealing with these issues.
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Old 11-01-2012, 08:46 PM
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Hey! I couldn’t help but notice your location is NY…I hope you and your loved ones are doing OK from Sandy. From what I read about your scenario, it seems like he wasn’t there for you before you became pregnant, while you were pregnant, or wasn’t there for you or after your son was born. That’s a pattern for disaster, and sometimes the right decisions are the toughest ones to make. With that being said, I would highly advise you to cut any emotional ties with him and not expect anything positive from him for either yourself or your child.
Another fact I thought was very important was that he moved in. This individual has just been dragging you down with him. Look, sometimes it’s better for a child not to realize how insufficient a parent is to civilization. You have a good head on your shoulders. Lose the weight this guy is dragging both of you down with. Cut your losses with the intention of not taking culminating anymore from him. Life isn’t easy, but it’s a lot harder with lowlifes like your ex in your life.
Attempt to get documented evidence of your ex’s mental health conditions, and save all of the vague texts like “he’s a monster”, also, keep a journal with dates of his questionable actions, like disappearing. If he attempts to pursue visits via court, present those things to the judge. It will probably crush any chance of visits for him towards your son.
My best guess for his excessive weight loss would be that he’s on crack, although I might be wrong. I sincerely hope reading this has helped you. If you want, send me a PM if you have any questions.

Best of luck.
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