Rosiepetal

Why is it that when we leave our As it actually feels the reverse & feels like they've left us?

marie1960

probably because they were never really there in the first place.

an active addict is not capable of being in a healthy relationship. period.

it all goes back to our wishful stinking thinking.

what we want and what we get from an addict are two completely different things.

pixilation

Because they do have a mistress, with the name of alcohol. I wrote a journal entry ages ago, and that's exactly what i wrote down, and definitely what i felt like.

LifeRecovery

For me it was because I was not just physically leaving him, but leaving MY dreams of a happy, fulfilling relationship together.

For me it was my fantasy world come crashing down on the reality of living with an active alcoholic. I love LaTeeDa's outlook on expectations. My expectations of a relationship were not all that bad or controlling....but that does not mean that he was capable of fulfilling them. The alcohol took away that ability.

I left him only after being left for alcohol a lot.

Rosiepetal

I left him only after being left for alcohol a lot.

That hit the nail on the head.

Alcohol had taken 1st place in the relationship.
It still does.
It is like they have a mistress, never thought it would be this complex but realise it's the disease.

Rosiepetal

marie1960, you just made me realise that the big empty void I feel now is the same big empty void I had when I was in the relationship only now I see it.
Thanks.

ZiggyB

In my experience, breakups just suck no matter who does the leaving and why...

The end result is you still have to adjust to being on your own again and starting over. That triggers a lot of pain and anxiety. But I also think in my case I was very angry at booze for taking my boyfriend away since I felt like it was this disease which I had no control over and was powerless to stop.

Rosiepetal

Well said Ziggy, thanks.
A break up without alcohol involved is surely easier is it not?
I had no idea how much the exabf drinking had affected me until it was over.
I now find myself looking back over the past 21/2 years & seeing things I should've seen before. It's like getting flashbacks of everything.
I feel like it's going to take me a while to recover from this one but have also accepted this & admitted it too.
I don't feel I could explain this to others who have not been in the same situation but just ask them to accept me while I recover.

OhBoy

When we leave, we have lost the relationship. They still have the same relationship they've always had: their addiction. While they are actively drinking, us leaving is only a small loss compared to the loss they would feel if they lost alcohol. They take it in stride & keep getting numb. For us, we lose what seems like everything to start over. Fair? Short term, no but If you look at the end results I'll stick to my path and take comfort in my choices knowing I am taking care of myself as best I know how.

Tuffgirl

Rosie, just remember that what comes around goes around. He is hurting too. You just don't see or hear about it. This disease is firmly rooted in denial, but there is a little rational side of him that knows the truth...

Loughborough

I haven't been posting on here long, but my first thought was, "Because they actually did leave us first," when they started choosing the alcohol over us.

LifeRecovery

Another poster asked about people desiring recovery.

I struggle less with the idea that he choose alcohol over our relationship (he is an alcoholic...that is what he does). I struggle that he did not want recovery though because I had gotten so much out of mine. For me that is what is hard.

trublnshangrila

I would be comforted if I could believe that, Tuffgirl. He was able to cut me out of his life with such finality, I have no reason to believe that he's been affected in the least by my absence.
My first experience loving an alcoholic & I've never felt so insignificant.

GettingBy

Wow.

That is exactly how I feel. My XAH has done a wonderful job of showing just how little I mean to him now. The logical side of me kind of knows that it's just an act - but the emotional side of me hurts like heck.

To actually SEE that my XAH has literally blackened out my name on items... shows how much he wants me to cease existance. It's not a good feeling knowing that someone hates me that much.

ZiggyB

I was (and still am) hated as far as I know... but you know that's the only way some people seem to be able to cope with a breakup. Become angry, hate, ignore and blame the other person so you don't have to deal with their feelings or yours.

Sometimes I think it's less of an act and more of a strategy for moving on...

LifeRecovery

I don't know if this is appropriate but I have seen it said, that "The opposite of love is not hate...it is indifference."

Usually something drastic and dramatic is not about indifference, it is about not having other tools to use to deal with it.

OhBoy

Alcoholics have very black & white thinking. There is little to no gray area. "you are leaving me? Then you can no longer feed my disease, I no longer need you". In the moment, that is the thinking. Somewhere inside, they hurt from it, but whatever hurt is felt goes into the "another reason to drink bucket". It may actually help them feel better. Feel justified. But it is their disease that is telling them that, not the person. Separate the diseases from the person & it will make more sense. Ah...... But how do you separate the disease from the person? You can see the person telling you awful things, acting in horrible ways....... Look at their actions. Are they the actions of a rational person? No. Then they pull the rug out from you and give you a glimpse of how they really are. The real person. And with a bat of an eye, that person is gone.

thislonelygirl

Agree with other posts. I feel the same now too and have before and thats because alcohol gets mist all and pretty much a lot of our partners time energy and mind while we are left like a cheating wife lonely and missing our partner and when we leave they still have that mistress and indulge in their pleasures. Hence my screen name this lonely girl. Its lonely to be with an addict but hold strong because they get to feel the lonely and pain like we do with us gone....sometimes it just takes awhile but hopefully they do make the choice between the right company and learn that alcohol is a bad friend.

Titanic

There are two persons you break up with in our world. The first is the one who you are fed up with, who treated you so badly, who you don't respect or love, who you are disgusted and embarrassed by ... Think about anyone else who you have broken up with before and who you felt like that about. No second thoughts to speak of after that kind of break up.

The other is a person you absolutely do not want to break up with. The one who you fell in love with, respected, and accepted with all their quirks and foibles. Someone comes up to you and tells you that person has died a while back. No, you say, that's not possible ... we were just together not so long ago and working on things! They pull out an old obituary and show you. You are grief stricken by the loss - one you actually have not taken in. So, you mourn the loss. And you miss the one you still love terribly.

Well, the obituary was your final break-up with the first person. It is what makes you take in the painful reality of the passing of the second, other person. You now know the one you love is gone for good. That person no longer exists. He or she died, leaving you alone without a proper bedside goodbye.

cli

Titanic, your insight never ceases to amaze! I didn't think this thread applied to me, because I was the one who got left. But in truth, all the principles are the same. I was already alone ages ago, so I shouldn't be scare of that now.

Plus, I wasn't rejected by the charming, handsome and caring man I fell in love with. No, it was the same ol' angry little brat trying to get revenge and to hurt me as badly as possible, all while wearing a suit made of the dead caring man's skin.

Two persons indeed, and so many colorful combinations they can make too!