Why does it feel like they've left us?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
Originally Posted by cli 
Plus, I wasn't rejected by the charming, handsome and caring man I fell in love with. No, it was the same ol' angry little brat trying to get revenge and to hurt me as badly as possible, all while wearing a suit made of the dead caring man's skin.
Two persons indeed, and so many colorful combinations they can make too!
Two persons indeed, and so many colorful combinations they can make too!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I know, I know - I have the same residual anger and disbelief some days. But before everyone scoffs at the notion that alcoholics do "care", go to open AA meetings. Read posts on the newcomers to recovery thread here. Talk with them. Read the thousands of books written by alcoholics about their lives.
Does this excuse bad behavior? NO! Does it make dysfunction ok? NO! Do alcoholics need help getting physically sober and the getting emotionally sober? YES! Do the majority of them need to learn to be grown ups? YES!
But are they all sociopathic zombies? Absolutely not.
Shannon, I am going to employ some magical thinking here for a minute, so bear with me...your husband blacked out your name on the flashlight because he is an immature, self centered alcoholic. What he did was akin to stealing someone's lunch box at recess. Doesn't it sound incredibly immature to you? I mean, really? This guy can afford a McMansion but not buy his own flashlight? It was a 5 year old tantrum! And why do 5 year olds throw tantrums? Because they aren't getting their way and they don't know any better how to communicate those emotions!
Denial is insidious when it comes to addictions. And addicts, to protect their addiction, spin the most incredible, amazing, Oscar-worthy performances to protect it. Do they really believe it? Well, the folks I've talked with admit they know they are full of BS. But it gets them the result they are seeking - people leaving them alone.
But they are still human beings. They feel - its why they like to drink/smoke/pop pills (whatever the vice) to NOT feel those feelings. I've often wondered if most addicts feel more then non-addicts do on the emotion scale. In my little world, I have experienced far more recovering addicts with very low self esteem and sense of worth. Even sober, they have a hard time not taking things personally, things that don't even register in my life. I could give lots of examples but I am already well into a book-long post here.
OhBoy used the term above "separate the disease". I wholeheartedly agree that is it possible the do that. But that doesn't mean I have to live with it! I think that's the difference here...having compassion for another without putting ourselves within firing range of that irrational person. And knowing that underneath that irrationality is a scared, hurting human being too.
Rosie - I stand by my perspective. He hurts too and he misses you too. It just presents itself through completely different, and in most cases completely unacceptable behavior.
TWWALTR,
~T
Does this excuse bad behavior? NO! Does it make dysfunction ok? NO! Do alcoholics need help getting physically sober and the getting emotionally sober? YES! Do the majority of them need to learn to be grown ups? YES!
But are they all sociopathic zombies? Absolutely not.
Shannon, I am going to employ some magical thinking here for a minute, so bear with me...your husband blacked out your name on the flashlight because he is an immature, self centered alcoholic. What he did was akin to stealing someone's lunch box at recess. Doesn't it sound incredibly immature to you? I mean, really? This guy can afford a McMansion but not buy his own flashlight? It was a 5 year old tantrum! And why do 5 year olds throw tantrums? Because they aren't getting their way and they don't know any better how to communicate those emotions!
Denial is insidious when it comes to addictions. And addicts, to protect their addiction, spin the most incredible, amazing, Oscar-worthy performances to protect it. Do they really believe it? Well, the folks I've talked with admit they know they are full of BS. But it gets them the result they are seeking - people leaving them alone.
But they are still human beings. They feel - its why they like to drink/smoke/pop pills (whatever the vice) to NOT feel those feelings. I've often wondered if most addicts feel more then non-addicts do on the emotion scale. In my little world, I have experienced far more recovering addicts with very low self esteem and sense of worth. Even sober, they have a hard time not taking things personally, things that don't even register in my life. I could give lots of examples but I am already well into a book-long post here.
OhBoy used the term above "separate the disease". I wholeheartedly agree that is it possible the do that. But that doesn't mean I have to live with it! I think that's the difference here...having compassion for another without putting ourselves within firing range of that irrational person. And knowing that underneath that irrationality is a scared, hurting human being too.
Rosie - I stand by my perspective. He hurts too and he misses you too. It just presents itself through completely different, and in most cases completely unacceptable behavior.
TWWALTR,
~T
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
I know, I know - I have the same residual anger and disbelief some days. But before everyone scoffs at the notion that alcoholics do "care", go to open AA meetings. Read posts on the newcomers to recovery thread here. Talk with them. Read the thousands of books written by alcoholics about their lives.
Does this excuse bad behavior? NO! Does it make dysfunction ok? NO! Do alcoholics need help getting physically sober and the getting emotionally sober? YES! Do the majority of them need to learn to be grown ups? YES!
But are they all sociopathic zombies? Absolutely not.
Shannon, I am going to employ some magical thinking here for a minute, so bear with me...your husband blacked out your name on the flashlight because he is an immature, self centered alcoholic. What he did was akin to stealing someone's lunch box at recess. Doesn't it sound incredibly immature to you? I mean, really? This guy can afford a McMansion but not buy his own flashlight? It was a 5 year old tantrum! And why do 5 year olds throw tantrums? Because they aren't getting their way and they don't know any better how to communicate those emotions!
Denial is insidious when it comes to addictions. And addicts, to protect their addiction, spin the most incredible, amazing, Oscar-worthy performances to protect it. Do they really believe it? Well, the folks I've talked with admit they know they are full of BS. But it gets them the result they are seeking - people leaving them alone.
But they are still human beings. They feel - its why they like to drink/smoke/pop pills (whatever the vice) to NOT feel those feelings. I've often wondered if most addicts feel more then non-addicts do on the emotion scale. In my little world, I have experienced far more recovering addicts with very low self esteem and sense of worth. Even sober, they have a hard time not taking things personally, things that don't even register in my life. I could give lots of examples but I am already well into a book-long post here.
OhBoy used the term above "separate the disease". I wholeheartedly agree that is it possible the do that. But that doesn't mean I have to live with it! I think that's the difference here...having compassion for another without putting ourselves within firing range of that irrational person. And knowing that underneath that irrationality is a scared, hurting human being too.
Rosie - I stand by my perspective. He hurts too and he misses you too. It just presents itself through completely different, and in most cases completely unacceptable behavior.
TWWALTR,
~T
Does this excuse bad behavior? NO! Does it make dysfunction ok? NO! Do alcoholics need help getting physically sober and the getting emotionally sober? YES! Do the majority of them need to learn to be grown ups? YES!
But are they all sociopathic zombies? Absolutely not.
Shannon, I am going to employ some magical thinking here for a minute, so bear with me...your husband blacked out your name on the flashlight because he is an immature, self centered alcoholic. What he did was akin to stealing someone's lunch box at recess. Doesn't it sound incredibly immature to you? I mean, really? This guy can afford a McMansion but not buy his own flashlight? It was a 5 year old tantrum! And why do 5 year olds throw tantrums? Because they aren't getting their way and they don't know any better how to communicate those emotions!
Denial is insidious when it comes to addictions. And addicts, to protect their addiction, spin the most incredible, amazing, Oscar-worthy performances to protect it. Do they really believe it? Well, the folks I've talked with admit they know they are full of BS. But it gets them the result they are seeking - people leaving them alone.
But they are still human beings. They feel - its why they like to drink/smoke/pop pills (whatever the vice) to NOT feel those feelings. I've often wondered if most addicts feel more then non-addicts do on the emotion scale. In my little world, I have experienced far more recovering addicts with very low self esteem and sense of worth. Even sober, they have a hard time not taking things personally, things that don't even register in my life. I could give lots of examples but I am already well into a book-long post here.
OhBoy used the term above "separate the disease". I wholeheartedly agree that is it possible the do that. But that doesn't mean I have to live with it! I think that's the difference here...having compassion for another without putting ourselves within firing range of that irrational person. And knowing that underneath that irrationality is a scared, hurting human being too.
Rosie - I stand by my perspective. He hurts too and he misses you too. It just presents itself through completely different, and in most cases completely unacceptable behavior.
TWWALTR,
~T
omg I think the same way . I want and try to think they care but my ah acts like a child too and can be self absorbed,mope and make every problem about him one way or another.
I've thought " god grow up!!" and that he acts like a teenage boy....me worrying constantly. him Getting into trouble etc and I ive actually told him that . I said "I have two small children I know one day they'll be helish teenagers and ill worry and stress over them and theyll get into trouble and sneak out etc but I shouldn't worry about you. I shouldn't experience that with you and I shouldn't experience it now. I've got many years till my kids are teens why should i put up with a grown man throwing tantrums, over react with small problems (be dramatic) stay out late, not know where he is, spend in excess and feel sorry for himself. im suppose to be able to lean on him for emotional support but instead he leans on me alone and i get nothing but this teenage drama king.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by thislonelygirl
omg I think the same way . I want and try to think they care but my ah acts like a child too and can be self absorbed,mope and make every problem about him one way or another.
I've thought " god grow up!!" and that he acts like a teenage boy....me worrying constantly. him Getting into trouble etc and I ive actually told him that . I said "I have two small children I know one day they'll be helish teenagers and ill worry and stress over them and theyll get into trouble and sneak out etc but I shouldn't worry about you. I shouldn't experience that with you and I shouldn't experience it now. I've got many years till my kids are teens why should i put up with a grown man throwing tantrums, over react with small problems (be dramatic) stay out late, not know where he is, spend in excess and feel sorry for himself. im suppose to be able to lean on him for emotional support but instead he leans on me alone and i get nothing but this teenage drama king.
I've thought " god grow up!!" and that he acts like a teenage boy....me worrying constantly. him Getting into trouble etc and I ive actually told him that . I said "I have two small children I know one day they'll be helish teenagers and ill worry and stress over them and theyll get into trouble and sneak out etc but I shouldn't worry about you. I shouldn't experience that with you and I shouldn't experience it now. I've got many years till my kids are teens why should i put up with a grown man throwing tantrums, over react with small problems (be dramatic) stay out late, not know where he is, spend in excess and feel sorry for himself. im suppose to be able to lean on him for emotional support but instead he leans on me alone and i get nothing but this teenage drama king.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
King babies. And, in recovery, they can choose to begin maturing emotionally from that point - the one they froze in long ago when the drinking, using or other addictive behavior began. Big babies needing emotional sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by Rosiepetal
Well said Ziggy, thanks.
A break up without alcohol involved is surely easier is it not?
I had no idea how much the exabf drinking had affected me until it was over.
I now find myself looking back over the past 21/2 years & seeing things I should've seen before. It's like getting flashbacks of everything.
I feel like it's going to take me a while to recover from this one but have also accepted this & admitted it too.
I don't feel I could explain this to others who have not been in the same situation but just ask them to accept me while I recover.
A break up without alcohol involved is surely easier is it not?
I had no idea how much the exabf drinking had affected me until it was over.
I now find myself looking back over the past 21/2 years & seeing things I should've seen before. It's like getting flashbacks of everything.
I feel like it's going to take me a while to recover from this one but have also accepted this & admitted it too.
I don't feel I could explain this to others who have not been in the same situation but just ask them to accept me while I recover.
Then I started having flashbacks of the "dump" phonecalls, the things he said like, "I realized we weren't right for each other when you started talking about having to move back to America (i.e. going bankrupt)." And of course there's the two months when I didn't contact him... That sent me on a spiral of trying to find all the other "mistakes" I'd made.
But THEN I remembered the alcohol.
The fact that I was blaming myself, and that the XRABF had even set it up so I would blame myself, just goes to show how much I actually do belong on SR after all.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: OH
Posts: 57
Just agreeing with most of the posts. When you leave an A, you are leaving a relationship what you are still emotionally invested in, however, they have left you a long time ago. So it's usually much easier on them (at least in the short run).
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