Lorelai

I was planting flowers in my backyard yesterday and I had the weirdest thought.

What if I have been obsessing about the alcoholism for so long and blaming it for everything that is wrong between us that I was blinded to the real relationship? Maybe I just had blinders on because I was so focused on "if I could just get him to stop drinking, everything would be fine?" Maybe he isn't what I need in my life anymore and hasn't been for a long time - alcohol or no?

Maybe if he wasn't an alcoholic, I would have left him a long time ago? Maybe I've stayed with him so long because he is an alcoholic? How wierd is that?

I can't really get my mind around this thing because it is so completely reversed from what I've always thought.

Does anybody think that's possible or am I just being crazy?
L

smoke gets in my eyes

Absolutely possible. A lot of us adopt problem people because our problem is that we want someone to fix. But it could be a combo, too. And it's hard to know who someone would be without the alcoholism because it takes up so much room.

Hugs!

Lorelai

Thanks Smoke. I've been thinking about this a lot today because it SO rocks everything I've ever thought before.

My H and I started dating when we were in high school. He really didn't start displaying alcoholic tendencies until a couple years after we were married in our twenties. I think that it is possible that I still remember him as he was at 25 because any changes after that have been blamed (by me) on his drinking.

I'm sure that he is not the same person that he was at 25 - I know that I'm not. It's just weird to think that I've spent 15 years concentrating on this drinking problem and that may not be the problem at all. How strange.


Thanks for you help -
L

Jeff_C

Each and every time we set ourselves in opposition to anything, we will reap the whirlwinds of our discontent, and disturb the continuity of the program and self that we’re working on. Whether it’s “old� behavior, or something we don’t yet recognize, if it juxtaposes us, in relation to, not our expectations, but that seamless quality of “belonging� exactly where we are, then we’ve “lost� it. Oh yeah. we can find it again, and continue our work, and in some ways it’s a continual effort, but when we’re new in the experience of recovery it’s disconcerting.

You’ve made an important statement and discovery, for I firmly believe that we can’t pursue recovery without redefining our definition of love, Particularly if that is the method that we use in relating to everyone. Not only are we trying to escape those codependent behaviors that we THOUGHT were love before, but we’re trying to develop the compassion, and self awareness that lets us differentiate between the two.

How can you relate to him? Precisely as you are, coupled with the will to root out that “authentic� self that will drive the remainder of your days. You’re absolutely right in your statement that it’s not an over night matter. It’s said that it takes 2 to 3 years just for the fog to lift, 3 to 5 for us to really get out of the woods, and 5 to 10 for us to really begin to affect the changes we want and get comfortable with it all.

Tough stuff for those of us who crave that “quick� fix, and the drama of our lives. “The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step“, and you’ve made that beginning. It will be the steps, the fellowship, and all the tools that keeps you on track, and moving forward. Congratulations, and of course----------------�Keep comin’ back�.
Jeff

Weasel4IR

Hey L,
I used to think that way too, "If only I could get him to stop", yea right! He had to quit when he was ready to quit and that was that. I finally came to that realization and just quit worrying about it, it was driving me crazy, that was all I could think about.

The money was depleating in the checkbook, I was becoming a real nag everytime he gave me a receipt for yet more beer. That is why finally one day I just said okay this is the way it is and accept it!! So, after I did that I was at least with some peace with myself, then that wonderful day came when he decided to quit.

Some of that decision had come from when his youngest daughter decided that she no longer wanted to be on this planet and cut her wrist. She was admitted to a hospital and that hit him hard. So, he started looking at himself differently and said "I have got to stop this insanity and quit this cycle".

He then went to the doctor and started to help himself :tongue3:
I thank God that he did that, I just pray that it continues and I truely believe that it will, but on the same hand it is still his recovery and I am still taking care of me.

Hugs L, you take care of you :heart:

I am here for you,

Penelope

sturpin

L, hey you hit the nail on the head...we are always so focused on the problems always being "his drinking" that we fail to see that the relationship is in trouble, maybe due to the drinking, but the drinking part is so overwhelming, that it is almost impossible to look past that being the problem...(rambling)

I always thought everything that went wrong was my fault, I changed that thinking to his fault due to his drinking, who knows what went wrong...but for sure the drinking didnt help.
I wish you luck, strength and most of all support.

Sue

myles1

Lorelai,

Big thought and good thought. When I began to get unfocussed from my exs illness I began to see what a horrible person he really was and what a horrible relationship we actually had. I used to think if only he's take his meds everything would be alright, if only he or we would go to counselling everything would be alright.

Well when I began to see past that everything changed.

Ngaire

dax

It is so true that the prolems caused by the drinking cloud anything else in the marriage. Some peolpe find thenselves with a newly sober person who Ithey can't stand. For me once my husband[now 25 years sober] got sober things really got a lot better fast . for many years I was happy- -until 99 when I confirmed he was having an affir with a woman also in the program. hey life is crap shoot anyway. There are times I wish i had left this man when he was still drinking. it would have saved me a lot of the horrible pain of infidelity. But we did have 12 years when he waas sober and faithful. I have survived because I have my own interests and a life not centered on a selfish recovered alcoholic dax

Weasel4IR

******************{BIG HUGGY FOR MY FRIEND L}}}}}}}}}}



Love you my friend, keep rockin on,
Penelope