been a couple of months...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 266
been a couple of months...
since i was last here. life has been hectic, to say the least, and i've definitely found myself in a funk the last couple of weeks, unable to clear my head or calm my little heart.
xabf (i guess he's abf once more) and i are spending quite a bit of time together. he's been sober now for...to be honest, i have no idea. i think he's approaching day forty, but i've tried to NOT keep count. instead, i've tried to keep my little nose out of it as much as possible. apparently when i tried to support him the last time he was sober, he felt i was pressuring him to stay that way. i never thought the words "congratulations" or "i'm proud for you" equated to pressure, but i guess they were not things he wanted to hear.
he's not attending aa or receiving any other kind of counseling or support. he's simply not drinking. all in all, though, he seems much more at peace with his decision this go-around than he did the last, and many of his actions lead me to believe that he had some sort of epiphany after our last break up. will his sobriety last? most likely not, but that is out of my hands. man, oh man, do i *hope* he can make it last!!!
so...to my own feelings. i think i may have let myself get caught up in another empty promise. the weekend before he quit drinking, he called me and suggested we attend counseling together. it was quite a shock to me, as he had NEVER mentioned anything of the sort before, and in some ways always seemed to mock the profession. i jumped on the idea and said i thought it was great, but told him that no counselor would be able to do anything to help us while he was drinking. he said he understood, told me that he was already going to quit drinking, offered to pay for the sessions, said he would start hunting down a counselor, and kept repeating how much good he felt it would do our relationship. his only complaint was trying to figure out at what time to schedule an appointment.
in the past month, i've sat by and watched him make four other appointments (neurologist, ira man, and two with the dentist), all while completely avoiding the topic of counseling with me. i'm happy he is wanting to start taking care of himself better, but feel very much rejected that he won't put forth the effort with his own idea. he either quickly changes the subject or says nothing at all whenever i mention it. i found out last night that he has no recollection of ever bringing the subject up, and doesn't remember the entire twenty minute conversation we had about it on the phone. UGH!!!
i know his sobriety should be his top priority right now, and i'm trying to not take things personally or pressure him into anything. i guess i'm really starting to reach the end of my rope, though. i want marriage and a family, and i find myself constantly wondering if he even wants me around. it's heartbreaking having to ring the doorbell of a house that i lived in for six months, or having to wait on the porch for him to get home because i don't have a key. two years into the relationship, and i still feel like i have to ask him, "are you SURE you don't mind if i spend the night?" in some ways, i'm grateful that he's not making MORE empty promises to me. he's been very honest about not knowing what he wants to happen with us (mostly because he doesn't know if he can stay sober), but states he loves me very much and often says things like, "when we have kids..." that make me think he wants more with me. i guess part of my frustration comes from the fact that i keep buying into things he says to me when he's trying to get me back.
lots of emotions! good gravy, i rambled on WAY too long...
xabf (i guess he's abf once more) and i are spending quite a bit of time together. he's been sober now for...to be honest, i have no idea. i think he's approaching day forty, but i've tried to NOT keep count. instead, i've tried to keep my little nose out of it as much as possible. apparently when i tried to support him the last time he was sober, he felt i was pressuring him to stay that way. i never thought the words "congratulations" or "i'm proud for you" equated to pressure, but i guess they were not things he wanted to hear.
he's not attending aa or receiving any other kind of counseling or support. he's simply not drinking. all in all, though, he seems much more at peace with his decision this go-around than he did the last, and many of his actions lead me to believe that he had some sort of epiphany after our last break up. will his sobriety last? most likely not, but that is out of my hands. man, oh man, do i *hope* he can make it last!!!
so...to my own feelings. i think i may have let myself get caught up in another empty promise. the weekend before he quit drinking, he called me and suggested we attend counseling together. it was quite a shock to me, as he had NEVER mentioned anything of the sort before, and in some ways always seemed to mock the profession. i jumped on the idea and said i thought it was great, but told him that no counselor would be able to do anything to help us while he was drinking. he said he understood, told me that he was already going to quit drinking, offered to pay for the sessions, said he would start hunting down a counselor, and kept repeating how much good he felt it would do our relationship. his only complaint was trying to figure out at what time to schedule an appointment.
in the past month, i've sat by and watched him make four other appointments (neurologist, ira man, and two with the dentist), all while completely avoiding the topic of counseling with me. i'm happy he is wanting to start taking care of himself better, but feel very much rejected that he won't put forth the effort with his own idea. he either quickly changes the subject or says nothing at all whenever i mention it. i found out last night that he has no recollection of ever bringing the subject up, and doesn't remember the entire twenty minute conversation we had about it on the phone. UGH!!!
i know his sobriety should be his top priority right now, and i'm trying to not take things personally or pressure him into anything. i guess i'm really starting to reach the end of my rope, though. i want marriage and a family, and i find myself constantly wondering if he even wants me around. it's heartbreaking having to ring the doorbell of a house that i lived in for six months, or having to wait on the porch for him to get home because i don't have a key. two years into the relationship, and i still feel like i have to ask him, "are you SURE you don't mind if i spend the night?" in some ways, i'm grateful that he's not making MORE empty promises to me. he's been very honest about not knowing what he wants to happen with us (mostly because he doesn't know if he can stay sober), but states he loves me very much and often says things like, "when we have kids..." that make me think he wants more with me. i guess part of my frustration comes from the fact that i keep buying into things he says to me when he's trying to get me back.
lots of emotions! good gravy, i rambled on WAY too long...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
" found out last night that he has no recollection of ever bringing the subject up, and doesn't remember the entire twenty minute conversation we had about it on the phone. UGH!!!" (Shawty)
I find it odd that he does not remember this conversation. Odd to the point of DOUBT.
How can it be so important one minute, and forgotten the next? hmm.....
When I hear "I can't remember/recall that conversation," the first thing I think of is blackout drunk. (That is just me recalling XA and his shenanigans.) I recall on one occasion he even had me set the alarm clock, as we had to be up early to get a project completed..... well come 7 am he was cussing me out for waking him up..... AND I did not think he was overly intoxicated the previous evening.
I wish I could offer you positive insight, but his actions and words are not matching.
Proceed with caution, taking care of YOU first.
Peace.
I find it odd that he does not remember this conversation. Odd to the point of DOUBT.
How can it be so important one minute, and forgotten the next? hmm.....
When I hear "I can't remember/recall that conversation," the first thing I think of is blackout drunk. (That is just me recalling XA and his shenanigans.) I recall on one occasion he even had me set the alarm clock, as we had to be up early to get a project completed..... well come 7 am he was cussing me out for waking him up..... AND I did not think he was overly intoxicated the previous evening.
I wish I could offer you positive insight, but his actions and words are not matching.
Proceed with caution, taking care of YOU first.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Shawty,
Hope you are in alanon. Have you considered counseling for yourself? That is the best way to start out anyway with each counseling individually.
If he doesn't have an active program of authentic recovery his chances of remaining sober statistically are pretty close to nil.
Have a plan b cooking on the back burner... my best advice. And keep your heart guarded and don't give it back to him to break unless you see more "action" and less talk that gets forgotten!
Hope you are in alanon. Have you considered counseling for yourself? That is the best way to start out anyway with each counseling individually.
If he doesn't have an active program of authentic recovery his chances of remaining sober statistically are pretty close to nil.
Have a plan b cooking on the back burner... my best advice. And keep your heart guarded and don't give it back to him to break unless you see more "action" and less talk that gets forgotten!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I was just wondering yesterday where you had gone, and here you are. Welcome back, Shawty. I can't believe you went back with him. But, OK, there you are. My belief is we go back because there is something we still have not learned that we need to learn.
That whole asking if he minds you sleeping over thing doesn't sit right with me for some reason. And no key? Even though he knows you are coming over? So you're inconvenienced in order to spend time with him, and you're asking HIM permission to be with him??? This is not healthy.
You were moving on with your life and all he has to do is call you and offer to do something with you, as if the relationship was the problem and not him or his drinking, and you fall back into a relationship with him?? And he does nothing he said he would do and now is denying he ever said he would do it. C'mon! You have fallen for a trick.
An alcoholic man without a program is just a drinker who has stopped temporarily. It won't last. Just don't let it take you by surprise and send you into a tailspin, please.
If you've come for a certain kind of encouragement, I say get out now, and get on with focusing on YOU, not this relationship, or him, or what he said, or why he didn't do what he said, or whether or not he really wants to be with you, or what appointments he's made, or whether or not he got a program, etc. YOU. Focus on you, your dreams, your health, your happiness, etc.
That whole asking if he minds you sleeping over thing doesn't sit right with me for some reason. And no key? Even though he knows you are coming over? So you're inconvenienced in order to spend time with him, and you're asking HIM permission to be with him??? This is not healthy.
You were moving on with your life and all he has to do is call you and offer to do something with you, as if the relationship was the problem and not him or his drinking, and you fall back into a relationship with him?? And he does nothing he said he would do and now is denying he ever said he would do it. C'mon! You have fallen for a trick.
An alcoholic man without a program is just a drinker who has stopped temporarily. It won't last. Just don't let it take you by surprise and send you into a tailspin, please.
If you've come for a certain kind of encouragement, I say get out now, and get on with focusing on YOU, not this relationship, or him, or what he said, or why he didn't do what he said, or whether or not he really wants to be with you, or what appointments he's made, or whether or not he got a program, etc. YOU. Focus on you, your dreams, your health, your happiness, etc.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 266
he's officially the xabf again!!! and going on a rampage of belittling me and trying to knock me down even further than he ever has before. man, i'm an IDIOT for ever thinking it would work and for allowing myself to get sucked back into the craziness!!!
i don't find it odd. horribly disappointing, though. he was drunk (and trying to get me back) when he mentioned it, so i guess i should have known he would "forget" it. he let me know, however, that he will under NO circumstances be visiting any counselors with me. he threw in a few choice negative words about counselors, and has since said nothing to me that would be considered kind by anyone.
too right you are. and i have no business WANTING kids with him. it's ridiculous. he's not worth my time. all he's done since last night is try to tear me down. that's not the kind of man i want to father my children.
his actions are telling me that he doesn't give a d*mn. fortunately/unfortunately, his words once more match those actions.
the school year is going GREAT! thank you for your kind thought.
i absolutely love teaching junior high kids!! it has kept me VERY busy, though. i honestly didn't know it would be so much more work than elementary. i spend a solid twelve hours in my building almost every day!
it's been awhile since i've been to al-anon, and i know i need to get back. i have thought about counseling, and am still on the hunt for a therapist. i scheduled an appointment a few months back, but cancelled it after hearing way too many negative things about the clinic i was to attend.
we spoke a great deal about his lack of support, and i mentioned my concern that he would find sobriety a tougher struggle without it, but he was not interested in attending aa. i didn't feel it was my place to tell him he had to go, since it's not my disease. i know he won't last long at all. honestly, i can feel a relapse is near, if it didn't already happen last night.
i think i'm done giving him my heart to break. his words are poison, and all he's doing now is trying to hurt me. everything out of his mouth is venomous. hope he sleeps well tonight!!!
I find it odd that he does not remember this conversation. Odd to the point of DOUBT.
This guy has no business talking about kids when he's struggling to take care of himself.
I wonder what his actions are telling you compared to his words?
I hope the school year for you is going well.
I hope the school year for you is going well.
the school year is going GREAT! thank you for your kind thought.
i absolutely love teaching junior high kids!! it has kept me VERY busy, though. i honestly didn't know it would be so much more work than elementary. i spend a solid twelve hours in my building almost every day!
Hope you are in alanon. Have you considered counseling for yourself? That is the best way to start out anyway with each counseling individually.
If he doesn't have an active program of authentic recovery his chances of remaining sober statistically are pretty close to nil.
Have a plan b cooking on the back burner... my best advice. And keep your heart guarded and don't give it back to him to break unless you see more "action" and less talk that gets forgotten!
If he doesn't have an active program of authentic recovery his chances of remaining sober statistically are pretty close to nil.
Have a plan b cooking on the back burner... my best advice. And keep your heart guarded and don't give it back to him to break unless you see more "action" and less talk that gets forgotten!
we spoke a great deal about his lack of support, and i mentioned my concern that he would find sobriety a tougher struggle without it, but he was not interested in attending aa. i didn't feel it was my place to tell him he had to go, since it's not my disease. i know he won't last long at all. honestly, i can feel a relapse is near, if it didn't already happen last night.
i think i'm done giving him my heart to break. his words are poison, and all he's doing now is trying to hurt me. everything out of his mouth is venomous. hope he sleeps well tonight!!!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Shawty, I am sorry that you are feeling so bad about yourself.
In a healthy relationship, a person doesn't have to live from "crumbs", or constantly wonder where they stand in the relationship. One gets respect, courtesy and consideration---and are not treated like second-class or less than.
The unrecovered A often places the blame on others. It sounds to me like he is implying that the relationship (meaning YOU) is the cause of his drinking.
Any problems that exist before marriage, become worse, not better.
This blatant loss of memory raises suspicion of hidden drinking--or he is trying to gaslight you--maybe both.
To be very honest, I think marriage to this guy would be a very painful walk down heartbreak lane.
I agree that counseling for yourself (individually) would be a good idea---to understand why you are so willing to settle for crumbs.
I know this sounds blunt---but, I feel that you deserve the straight truth---just like I would with my loved ones---my daughter or niece......
Please, think about all of these things.
sincerely, dandylion
In a healthy relationship, a person doesn't have to live from "crumbs", or constantly wonder where they stand in the relationship. One gets respect, courtesy and consideration---and are not treated like second-class or less than.
The unrecovered A often places the blame on others. It sounds to me like he is implying that the relationship (meaning YOU) is the cause of his drinking.
Any problems that exist before marriage, become worse, not better.
This blatant loss of memory raises suspicion of hidden drinking--or he is trying to gaslight you--maybe both.
To be very honest, I think marriage to this guy would be a very painful walk down heartbreak lane.
I agree that counseling for yourself (individually) would be a good idea---to understand why you are so willing to settle for crumbs.
I know this sounds blunt---but, I feel that you deserve the straight truth---just like I would with my loved ones---my daughter or niece......
Please, think about all of these things.
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 266
Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
I was just wondering yesterday where you had gone, and here you are. Welcome back, Shawty. I can't believe you went back with him. But, OK, there you are. My belief is we go back because there is something we still have not learned that we need to learn.
That whole asking if he minds you sleeping over thing doesn't sit right with me for some reason. And no key? Even though he knows you are coming over? So you're inconvenienced in order to spend time with him, and you're asking HIM permission to be with him??? This is not healthy.
You were moving on with your life and all he has to do is call you and offer to do something with you, as if the relationship was the problem and not him or his drinking, and you fall back into a relationship with him?? And he does nothing he said he would do and now is denying he ever said he would do it. C'mon! You have fallen for a trick.
An alcoholic man without a program is just a drinker who has stopped temporarily. It won't last. Just don't let it take you by surprise and send you into a tailspin, please.
If you've come for a certain kind of encouragement, I say get out now, and get on with focusing on YOU, not this relationship, or him, or what he said, or why he didn't do what he said, or whether or not he really wants to be with you, or what appointments he's made, or whether or not he got a program, etc. YOU. Focus on you, your dreams, your health, your happiness, etc.
That whole asking if he minds you sleeping over thing doesn't sit right with me for some reason. And no key? Even though he knows you are coming over? So you're inconvenienced in order to spend time with him, and you're asking HIM permission to be with him??? This is not healthy.
You were moving on with your life and all he has to do is call you and offer to do something with you, as if the relationship was the problem and not him or his drinking, and you fall back into a relationship with him?? And he does nothing he said he would do and now is denying he ever said he would do it. C'mon! You have fallen for a trick.
An alcoholic man without a program is just a drinker who has stopped temporarily. It won't last. Just don't let it take you by surprise and send you into a tailspin, please.
If you've come for a certain kind of encouragement, I say get out now, and get on with focusing on YOU, not this relationship, or him, or what he said, or why he didn't do what he said, or whether or not he really wants to be with you, or what appointments he's made, or whether or not he got a program, etc. YOU. Focus on you, your dreams, your health, your happiness, etc.
at this point, i can't believe that i went back to him, either. i fell hook, line, and sinker for the words he spoke and promises he made when he was trying to get me back. it was stupid of me. it felt different to me this time, though,...i think i knew going in that this would be the last chance. i'm not getting any younger, and i want stability, love, and companionship in a relationship, instead of chaos and heartbreak.
yeah, everything to do with his house was VERY hard for me. that was OUR home for six months, and going back to it after being kicked out was incredibly difficult. he was not at all forthcoming with invitations, and never once offered to give me back my key. he did, however, get pissed at me for being frustrated when i had to sit on his porch and wait for him to get home one night. I just chalked it up to him wanting to take things a little more cautiously since he was newly sober, but i guess it was much more than that.
i agree that i definitely fell for his trick. he made getting me back such a huge deal, and said all the right things. as we were breaking up last night, i asked him why he was amazing to me when he was trying to win back my love, and never did a d*mn thing to actually keep me. naturally, he had no answer for that.
i won't at all be surprised when he starts drinking again. he told me that the only reason he's even been sober for forty days is because of me, and yet i make him want to drink every day. he left some of my things on his porch last night, and then left so that he wouldn't have to see me. i would bet money that he went and bought a bottle or will have one by the end of the weekend.
i came to vent, more than anything, but always appreciate your words of encouragement! i think i shall do exactly as you suggest. he's gone, and that's that!!!
thank you,
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
THANK GOD!!!
Don't call yourself stupid, look for the lesson. (I know, I do it too, but we have to keep reminding ourselves to focus only on the positives). Did you grow a little? Did you handle things differently? Was there some way you were able to maintain control over yourself that you didn't before? IDK what your lesson is but I know it's there and it's way important to find it
Hope you stick around. I (and I'm sure, Ziggy too) have missed you!
Don't call yourself stupid, look for the lesson. (I know, I do it too, but we have to keep reminding ourselves to focus only on the positives). Did you grow a little? Did you handle things differently? Was there some way you were able to maintain control over yourself that you didn't before? IDK what your lesson is but I know it's there and it's way important to find it
Hope you stick around. I (and I'm sure, Ziggy too) have missed you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
THANK GOD!!!
Don't call yourself stupid, look for the lesson. (I know, I do it too, but we have to keep reminding ourselves to focus only on the positives). Did you grow a little? Did you handle things differently? Was there some way you were able to maintain control over yourself that you didn't before? IDK what your lesson is but I know it's there and it's way important to find it
Hope you stick around. I (and I'm sure, Ziggy too) have missed you!
Don't call yourself stupid, look for the lesson. (I know, I do it too, but we have to keep reminding ourselves to focus only on the positives). Did you grow a little? Did you handle things differently? Was there some way you were able to maintain control over yourself that you didn't before? IDK what your lesson is but I know it's there and it's way important to find it
Hope you stick around. I (and I'm sure, Ziggy too) have missed you!
It's tough not to feel stupid, making the same mistakes again, but I know it's not helping me to keep blaming myself. My XRABF wrongfully blames me enough for both of us!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 266
Originally Posted by dandylion
Dear Shawty, I am sorry that you are feeling so bad about yourself.
In a healthy relationship, a person doesn't have to live from "crumbs", or constantly wonder where they stand in the relationship. One gets respect, courtesy and consideration---and are not treated like second-class or less than.
The unrecovered A often places the blame on others. It sounds to me like he is implying that the relationship (meaning YOU) is the cause of his drinking.
Any problems that exist before marriage, become worse, not better.
This blatant loss of memory raises suspicion of hidden drinking--or he is trying to gaslight you--maybe both.
To be very honest, I think marriage to this guy would be a very painful walk down heartbreak lane.
I agree that counseling for yourself (individually) would be a good idea---to understand why you are so willing to settle for crumbs.
I know this sounds blunt---but, I feel that you deserve the straight truth---just like I would with my loved ones---my daughter or niece......
Please, think about all of these things.
sincerely, dandylion
In a healthy relationship, a person doesn't have to live from "crumbs", or constantly wonder where they stand in the relationship. One gets respect, courtesy and consideration---and are not treated like second-class or less than.
The unrecovered A often places the blame on others. It sounds to me like he is implying that the relationship (meaning YOU) is the cause of his drinking.
Any problems that exist before marriage, become worse, not better.
This blatant loss of memory raises suspicion of hidden drinking--or he is trying to gaslight you--maybe both.
To be very honest, I think marriage to this guy would be a very painful walk down heartbreak lane.
I agree that counseling for yourself (individually) would be a good idea---to understand why you are so willing to settle for crumbs.
I know this sounds blunt---but, I feel that you deserve the straight truth---just like I would with my loved ones---my daughter or niece......
Please, think about all of these things.
sincerely, dandylion
you are spot on, too. we've been together on and off again for two years, and i've NEVER felt truly secure or loved in this relationship. he has blamed me so many times for everything that has ever gone wrong, including just a few days ago telling me that the only reason he was sober right now was because of me and yet i make him want to drink on a daily basis. right...*i* make him want to drink.
to be clear, when he suggested the counseling, he was indeed drunk. he didn't stop until two days later. it's my fault for believing he a.) meant it and b.) would remember saying it. i so wish he had texted it to me instead of telling me over the phone. not that it would matter, but i could at least hand him my phone and *show* him his words.
i'm at the point in my life where i really want to be settled down and start a family. i've been divorced for three years, and have been ready for children longer. i know that an alcoholic is NOT the ideal mate/parent, but i'm hanging onto the good that i know lies underneath the disease. i keep hoping that he'll figure it out and that we can start a new journey together, but i think i just have to give him and that hope up. i'm incredibly frustrated waiting around for him. that tells me, i probably need to pack up and move on.
misty
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 266
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
THANK GOD!!!
Don't call yourself stupid, look for the lesson. (I know, I do it too, but we have to keep reminding ourselves to focus only on the positives). Did you grow a little? Did you handle things differently? Was there some way you were able to maintain control over yourself that you didn't before? IDK what your lesson is but I know it's there and it's way important to find it
Hope you stick around. I (and I'm sure, Ziggy too) have missed you!
Don't call yourself stupid, look for the lesson. (I know, I do it too, but we have to keep reminding ourselves to focus only on the positives). Did you grow a little? Did you handle things differently? Was there some way you were able to maintain control over yourself that you didn't before? IDK what your lesson is but I know it's there and it's way important to find it
Hope you stick around. I (and I'm sure, Ziggy too) have missed you!
i'll be sticking around. i have TONS of time on my hands now that i'm not leaving school to go directly to his house and returning to mine at ten for bed!
i've definitely missed my sr peeps! y'all are awesome, and your wisdom and love never cease to amaze me.
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