XAH reached an all-time low...
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
XAH reached an all-time low...
I find myself wondering, quite a lot lately, how I was ever married to the man. And tonight - he reached an all-time low. I had to pick the kids up after they spent 2 hrs with him for Halloween.
On his counter sat a flashlight... A very significant flashlight. It was a high end, firefighters flashlight... That my father had given to me for Christmas in 2004. My father had engraved it with my name and the year - and wrapped a piece of orange electrical tape to mark it as mine (he wrapped all of his tools with yellow tape so us kids would know who owned them!!). This flashlight was a special gift... An annual tradition for my dad. He'd always give us kids all the same thing... A special tool (one year a leatherman, a 4-way screwdriver, a hammer, etc)... Always engraved with the year and our name. It was something he took great pride in. In fact, my XAH also got his own engraved flashlight in 2004.
But the one on the counter was mine... I know because I picked it up, held it in my hand and saw with my own 2 eyes that he had taken a sharpie and scribbled over the engraving. There I stood speechless and numb. The kids were standing there so I opted not to make a scene (and saying anything would have resulted in a scene because well... He's an alcoholic).
So we left and I thought about it the whole way home. I sent him the following message...
"That flashlight was a very special Christmas present to me from my father. The fact that you not only kept it but went so far as to black out my name speaks volumes about your character."
Nothing more to say than that I guess. I would love to get it back... But I doubt that will ever happen.
Today I am extremely grateful to be divorced and have my father's last name back.
On his counter sat a flashlight... A very significant flashlight. It was a high end, firefighters flashlight... That my father had given to me for Christmas in 2004. My father had engraved it with my name and the year - and wrapped a piece of orange electrical tape to mark it as mine (he wrapped all of his tools with yellow tape so us kids would know who owned them!!). This flashlight was a special gift... An annual tradition for my dad. He'd always give us kids all the same thing... A special tool (one year a leatherman, a 4-way screwdriver, a hammer, etc)... Always engraved with the year and our name. It was something he took great pride in. In fact, my XAH also got his own engraved flashlight in 2004.
But the one on the counter was mine... I know because I picked it up, held it in my hand and saw with my own 2 eyes that he had taken a sharpie and scribbled over the engraving. There I stood speechless and numb. The kids were standing there so I opted not to make a scene (and saying anything would have resulted in a scene because well... He's an alcoholic).
So we left and I thought about it the whole way home. I sent him the following message...
"That flashlight was a very special Christmas present to me from my father. The fact that you not only kept it but went so far as to black out my name speaks volumes about your character."
Nothing more to say than that I guess. I would love to get it back... But I doubt that will ever happen.
Today I am extremely grateful to be divorced and have my father's last name back.
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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Shoulda picked up the flashlight and said.. Hey, you found my flashlight! Thanks! And put it in your pocket. I discovered a normal pencil eraser will erase sharpie ink from a metal surface.
Anyway, what a tool.
Sounds like you have a really cool dad!
Anyway, what a tool.
Sounds like you have a really cool dad!
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Location: Upstate NY
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Jazz -
I completely froze!! I wanted to take it, say something... do something... but instead I froze. I was so worried about him making a scene in front of the kids.
I did get an email response from him this morning... and it was classic alcoholic behavior. He blamed ME because I supposedly left it behind... so therefore it was now his.
And then he justitified blacking out my name because he doesn't LIKE me!!! Holy cow. He's 12.
And then he followed the blame game up with a good healthy dose of deflection by listing all the things I have done that he feels show I have no character.
And then some manipulation by threatening to take me back to court to adjust the custody schedule because it is clearly evident that I'm an unfit mother.
And then he finished it off with... and I quote...
I responded with... "I appreciate you returning the flashlight."
Cuz I know how to stay on topic.
I completely froze!! I wanted to take it, say something... do something... but instead I froze. I was so worried about him making a scene in front of the kids.
I did get an email response from him this morning... and it was classic alcoholic behavior. He blamed ME because I supposedly left it behind... so therefore it was now his.
And then he justitified blacking out my name because he doesn't LIKE me!!! Holy cow. He's 12.
And then he followed the blame game up with a good healthy dose of deflection by listing all the things I have done that he feels show I have no character.
And then some manipulation by threatening to take me back to court to adjust the custody schedule because it is clearly evident that I'm an unfit mother.
And then he finished it off with... and I quote...
You are an easily transparent, shallow, and phony person. You are shameful. I wouldn’t expect you to realize that because you don’t live in realty, but it is the case. I will put the flashlight in your mailbox tonight.
I responded with... "I appreciate you returning the flashlight."
Cuz I know how to stay on topic.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
You are an amazing person. You handled it so well.
Sending some warm thoughts to you today. Even though we can recogonized all the BS it doesn't mean it isn't just exhausting some days. It gets so old and worn out and some days I just feel sad that we all have to constantly deflect their mean words.
I'm glad you are divorced and no longer living with him too. I'm glad I'm no longer living with it. A reason to be grateful for sure.
Sending some warm thoughts to you today. Even though we can recogonized all the BS it doesn't mean it isn't just exhausting some days. It gets so old and worn out and some days I just feel sad that we all have to constantly deflect their mean words.
I'm glad you are divorced and no longer living with him too. I'm glad I'm no longer living with it. A reason to be grateful for sure.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
You handled this situation like a true champ!
My first reaction was that I would have just
grabbed the flashlight and taken it, but I'm not
a parent and you did what a good parent would do,
you protected your children from a possible huge scene.
I hope you get your flashlight back, he doesn't deserve
to have something that has meaning to you.
My first reaction was that I would have just
grabbed the flashlight and taken it, but I'm not
a parent and you did what a good parent would do,
you protected your children from a possible huge scene.
I hope you get your flashlight back, he doesn't deserve
to have something that has meaning to you.
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OKay... okay... I know we aren't suppose to laugh at sick people... but this crap that he's spewing at me (unprovoked!!) is TOOO FUNNY not to share!! Apparently he's super mad now... and really pissed off about having to pay child support - which is ironic because we settled on him paying 1/2 of the state recommended amount b/c of my level of income.
As you all may recall my posts a few months ago about the massive house he bought with the inground pool... well, apparently - he's bitten off more than he can chew... and it's MY fault.
Maybe he doesn't lack character... but he sure does lack common sense!! Who the HECK buys a giant house with a pool... and then doesn't live there?!?!?!?!
Answer = A moron.
As you all may recall my posts a few months ago about the massive house he bought with the inground pool... well, apparently - he's bitten off more than he can chew... and it's MY fault.
I pay more child support than a lot of dads with two kids, and I still take care of expenses to make sure that the kids have what they need. Not only that, but I have about gone broke, trying to set up a home that kids can enjoy and be comfortable with. I know that you think the house is about me because you have said so, but the fact is I did all of it for my kids. I wanted a safe neighborhood with a pool; something clean an manageable. The nights that I don’t have the kids I don’t even stay at the house. All of that from a guy who lacks character…
Answer = A moron.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
What bizarre logic he has. The gifts from your dad sound so thoughtful, no wonder you're mad.
Not quite the same but when my XABF and I were sorting out who took what when he moved out, he asked if he could take a picture that he'd given me for the first birthday I'd had after we'd gotten together. A beautiful oil painting he'd bought me. I was so stunned and I said but it was a gift from you? He said it was to keep as a reminder of me and a goal to focus on so he could give it back to me in a year after he'd stayed sober. I even believed it at the time! I think he even believed it. What a load of cr@p. He just liked the picture and wanted it.
Not quite the same but when my XABF and I were sorting out who took what when he moved out, he asked if he could take a picture that he'd given me for the first birthday I'd had after we'd gotten together. A beautiful oil painting he'd bought me. I was so stunned and I said but it was a gift from you? He said it was to keep as a reminder of me and a goal to focus on so he could give it back to me in a year after he'd stayed sober. I even believed it at the time! I think he even believed it. What a load of cr@p. He just liked the picture and wanted it.
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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Again.. if he really cared about his kids he would be in a very different situation than he is now.
He's paying less CS than the state guidelines and he wants to pick a fight with you over money? I'd be sucking up to you big time hoping you never changed your mind! No no.. I'll drive them over.. no no I'll pick them up.. no no.. I'll buy the school clothes.. LOL!! I'd be the best ex husband you could ever ask for..
What a bone head.
He's paying less CS than the state guidelines and he wants to pick a fight with you over money? I'd be sucking up to you big time hoping you never changed your mind! No no.. I'll drive them over.. no no I'll pick them up.. no no.. I'll buy the school clothes.. LOL!! I'd be the best ex husband you could ever ask for..
What a bone head.
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I got it back!!! Yeah!!! No apology - but no surprise there!!
Jazz - thanks for the eraser tip - it worked like a charm! There are some minor remnants of his markings but not bad at all!!!
Jazz - thanks for the eraser tip - it worked like a charm! There are some minor remnants of his markings but not bad at all!!!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
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I was just getting ready to post and ask if you got the flashlight back. Yay!
On a related note, I've found that confronting the serious alcoholic in my life with the truth about what he and his character have turned in to, is a big no-no. It shames him and that causes him to become angry and lash out. We get along better when I ignore the obvious and try to not point my finger at it. It takes some practice but it's an art. My other family member is amazed how I can talk to him this way
On a related note, I've found that confronting the serious alcoholic in my life with the truth about what he and his character have turned in to, is a big no-no. It shames him and that causes him to become angry and lash out. We get along better when I ignore the obvious and try to not point my finger at it. It takes some practice but it's an art. My other family member is amazed how I can talk to him this way
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
Maybe he needed the flashlight because he can't afford all the electricity for a house that big--for the kids....
but seriously...I have a little house and I struggle with the cost of energy these days.
GB, glad you got it back!
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