LaTeeDa

Recovery has brought so many important gifts to me, but more importantly I think, is the example I am setting for my children as they prepare to live in the world as adults.

I am the first to admit that I was not a good role model in the early years of my children’s development. I continued to follow the unhealthy patterns learned from my parents, which they in turn learned from their parents, and so on for generations.

Having reached my bottom in codependency in 2005, I have since grown into someone I am proud of, and a role model for my children that I no longer regret. Since finding recovery I have shown them:

That just because you love someone, doesn't mean you have to accept unacceptable behavior from them.

That taking care of yourself and having boundaries is the best way to feel happy and safe.

That allowing others to take advantage of you doesn't make you more popular or loved.

That nobody is perfect and to expect perfection from yourself only breeds self-loathing.

And now, with my retirement eminent, I am showing them that there are more important things in life than money and material possessions.

I am so grateful for the experiences I have had that brought me to this point. And I am so grateful for the wise counsel I received along the way. SR has been a big part of that, so thank you!

L

LaTeeDa

I just realized this might need more explanation and the editing time has expired.

I am "retiring" at age 50 and giving up a good salary in order to pursue my passion for photography.

L

Thumper

That is great LTD. What a wonderful post. I need it today too. I put in an application for a different job and I'm so afraid and I haven't even been called in for an interview yet - ha! It will get me away from the regular travel but it will be a pay cut and loss of accrued benefits. I'm big on job security. I've been with the same agency for 21 years so this is really hard. You make it sound like a good thing though

lillamy

You've taught not only your children, but shared those insights with a lot of people here too -- even some who are old enough to be your twins...

LaTeeDa

Ah yes.

And that life is full of uncertainty, and if you embrace that, you won't be surprised by it.

And that you only get one shot at life, so make it the best you possibly can.

L

Florence

Thank you, LTD. This was needed today.

FireSprite

Great post LTD, you are an inspiration to so many of us here at SR.

I work very hard at leading DD down a path different than the co-dependent mess I was raised in, so I can totally relate. I figure if I can stop this cycle with me, I WIN. She can move forward happy & healthy both physically & emotionally & spend her life LIVING instead of correcting everything up to the point where she ends up in some sort of therapy.

I wonder who I would be if I didn't spend so much time fixing who I used to be??

FireSprite

This is how I feel too - so lately when I doubt myself on trying something new or find myself looking for reasons NOT to try I ask myself, "If not now, then when?" Putting situations in that perspective (I have found) can sometimes dramatically change my decision.

LaTeeDa

I just had a conversation with my daughter the other night. I told her that when most people reach the end of their lives, they don't regret what they have done so much as what they did not do.

L

Tuffgirl

One of my favorite quotes that hangs on my bulletin board in my office is "I will never regret the things I've done, only the things I never tried."

My kids are now old enough to begin to vocalize back to me the values I've tried to instill in them...its so nice to hear but it also makes me realize just how much they were paying attention. It's easy to think they weren't, or they didn't see things, or hear things, or are affected by...but they are. And we are modeling behaviors they will carry with them into the rest of their lives (or go to therapy to get over!)

It was comments from my daughters about how my exAH was treating me that spurred me into leaving. I didn't want to model that - don't want them to be mistreated by some punk so why would I let myself be disrespected right in front of them?

LaTeeDa

TG-

That's why I put "I hope" in the title of the thread. I know that children learn so much more from what we DO than from what we SAY. It's easy to tell them what they should do with their lives. Much harder to show them.

L

keepingmyjoy1

Good for you LaTeeDa! And thanks for sharing the model you are living for yourself and I hope I can do that for myself and my children!

Hopeworks

Great post! I also love photography and have had a great time taking photos and even had some magazine covers with my ponies that I used to breed. I am not good enough to even think about a career though... I just keep shooting till I get the shot!

I love your photography and you truly are an inspiration to us all to chase our dreams!

I too have made huge changes since I curbed the A and got on the authentic recovery trail...

it's never too late to regroup and forge a new path!

It's good to be happy, joyous and free!

Titanic

Thanks for the inspiration and motivation, LaTeeDa!

You gave us the "what" you taught them and "how" (by example more than by telling them). For those of us with young ones, would you share some of the teaching units for each of those lessons if you have time (before retirement, because then you'll have NO time!)?

LaTeeDa

After I separated from my AH, we all went to therapy for about 18 months. As I sorted through my codependent behaviors, I started to realize that they went way beyond my interactions with the alcoholic. It had permeated every aspect of my life, including my relationships with my children.

For example, my kids used to ask me questions all the time. Like, how do you spell <some word> or what does <some word> mean? I would always just answer. Over time, they grew to depend on me to be their dictionary. I had to learn to say "why don't you look it up and tell me so we will both know?"

I also used to give them advice whenever they would come to me with their problems. Now, I just listen. Then I ask them "what do you think you should do?" If they ask me what I would do, then I answer. But, I don't take responsibility for solving their problems for them.

I found one of the most insidious things about my codependent behavior was doing for others what they could and should be doing for themselves. Children included. This was, for me, learned behavior. I needed to be needed.

L

WishingWell

I hear you, I hear you. For me, too, it's not about an alcoholic in my life, it's about my growth. Starting far before, continued during and now I'm healing me!

Beautiful - I love it all!

Titanic

The family disease, unarrested, is the gift that keeps on giving ... and ticking.

LaTeeDa is Da bomb defuser!

P.S. Post 999 just for you.

fourmaggie

gee I remember why i started AL ANON..for me and my kids to be HEALTHY...and 5+ years later...what confidence i have now.....