Sister of an alcoholic...just need an ear to listen.

Old 10-31-2012, 09:02 AM
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Sister of an alcoholic...just need an ear to listen.

This may be a long post, and if you take the time to read this....thank you. I am posting here because I am overwhelmed by the effects that my brother's alcoholism has had on our family. And it is beyond devastating to know that in his case there really is NO hope of escape or recovery unless he dies. And I am going to be brutally honest. It would be better for our entire family if this disease takes his life. And it would be better for him so it would put him out of his misery. I know this sounds cruel, but I doubt that I am the only person that has a loved one that is such a terrorist in their family that has ever felt this way about them.

He is 32 years old and has never lived away from home. Addiction (and mental disorders) runs in our family. My dad's father was an alcoholic (and manic depressive - self-medicated with alcohol) who killed himself due to this disease before I was born. My dad's sister also committed suicide but the cause is unclear - not sure if she also had a mental disease or addiction. My mom and dad seem to be untouched by these diseases, however they did smoke - which caused my dad to have a massive stroke leaving him paralyzed on the left side of his body and he is now homebound - a prisoner in his own home stuck with my mom and abusive, alcoholic, mentally insane brother. My sister has also had issues with drug use and alcohol abuse over the years but she seems to be 'a closet user', and she also has some depression problems as well. I however, by the grace of God, seem to have been untouched by mental disease or addiction, unless you count being addicted to chocolate, back rubs and long hot baths!

So my posts and rants and raves will center around the unfathomable amount of destruction my brother's addictions and mental disease have had on our family. Most notably, my mother...because she seems to be in an abusive, co-dependent relationship with him. I am merely on the outside looking in and have spent all my emotions, and am just basically waiting for whatever happens next.

First let me say that my brother was an unusual child growing up. In hindsight, before doctors were putting labels on kids, I can see that he was most likely ADD/ADHD, possibly high-functioning Asperger's, and most likely bipolar. He struggled making friends, being socially acceptable, he was smart but couldn't apply his intelligence, and he lacked direction because of these things. My parents were busy workaholics and did not notice that he struggled, or maybe they did and thought he would 'grow out of it'. They were not proactive parents. And thus, my brother became a blood-sucking manipulative leech. Continuing to live at home, disresepcting my parents, doing whatever he could to con my mom and also my elderly grandmother out of money for drugs. (By the time he was out of high school...he dropped out....he started using drugs and my dad had suffered his stroke and could no longer man-up to him.) So you see this is a recipe for disaster.

The next 10 years or more have been a living hell. If you are still reading this, I probably don't have to describe in detail what my brother has done, because you have been there/done that or have a loved one who has. Just to recap, he has been in and out of jail, destroyed walls/doors/other items in the house, physcially and emotionally abused my mother, he has been in and out of rehabs, and drained my parents of their life savings because my mom has been his enabler. He has twisted her mind so much over the years that she feels obligated to allow him to continue to live at home because of how fried his brain is. "He would never survive on the streets", she says....yet she is slowly killing him by perpetuating his addictions. She wants to mother him and love him, even though he has ruined her life and crushed her spirit.

It took me many years to disect the irony of my mom & brother's toxic relationship. She provides everything for him - a warm home, food, clothing, money for his drugs/alcohol - so that he doesn't have to live on the streets where she has to worry about him and all the 'what ifs'. She feels like she is helping him by being in control of his addictions. When he was using crack, he would manipulate her and tell her that he got his drugs on loan and if he didn't pay up, the dealers would kill him. She thought that by paying, she was saving his life. But she was believing the lies and just making his addiction worse. Her main goal....just help him stay alive. Don't put him on the streets (where he could be killed) and don't refuse to pay for his drugs (because he might be killed, right?).

Crack fried his brain. During his crack years he became a paranoid schizo - believing that terrorists were after him, and had implanted tracking devices in his body or cameras and electric shock devices in the walls of the house. He destroyed many a wall because of this. He would hear voices and see people and he really, truly believes that people are trying to kill him. He has called the police and FD because he really believes people are in the house trying to kill him or that the house is on fire. Once it was raining and he thought that the terrorists were spraying acid on the house and he was frantically running through the house trying to protect himself from the acid that might leak through the roof. Just a FEW examples.

But at some point he stopped the crack and he has become a raging, dellusional, crazy alcoholic. The hallucinations and paranoid schizo is still him and even worse. When he is going through withdrawals he is SO INSANE with these hallucinations. He goes to the hospital at least once a week because he either thinks he's having a heart attack or that someone has poisoned him.

The SAD news is that in the state we live in, he can not be 'committed' to a mental institution because he has addictions. He goes to outpatient therapy and has medication he is on, but he fails to take it regularly and thus, the cycle continues. His brain is fried, his liver and pancreas are very diseased, and he puts my mother through a living hell. He rarely sleeps and he stays awake at night with these hallucinations and does whatever he can to keep my mom awake with him. He won't let her sleep. He is either scared, yelling (at people that aren't there), wanting to go to the hospital (getting there and changing his mind that he wants to go home - coming home and then immediately wanting to go back). And yes....she does EVERYTHING that he tells her to do. She can not convince him that those are hallucinations. It is all reality to him, so she ends up just having to go along with it all because he gets so crazy.

I can't imagine what it is like for her. My father, bless him, is stuck in the middle of all of this. I hope and pray that my brother doesn't abuse him, but he has to witness this madness in his fragile state of health - on the verge of another stroke at any time.

As for me, I used to cry, stress-out and worry over all of this. But at last I realized there is NOTHING I can do. I wish I had a normal family. But I just have to keep my distance from them, especially when things are at their worst, because you all know what a roller-coaster it can be. There are horrible days, bad days, and even some quiet days....but I don't think there are any good days.

My mom, like I said, does whatever my brother says, including during the times when he is 'trying' to be sober and talk about doing normal things like trying to find a job or go to college. My mom will take him 'job hunting' (to no avail). She even encouraged him (who is not in recovery or anywhere near a state of recovery) to apply for college. He signed up and started taking a few courses and in the first week of classes he had an incident where he confused someone else's car for my mom's car and began kicking it and beating it because the doors wouldn't open. Needless to say that didn't last long. So she paid for the tuition and books.....for nothing. How was she thinking that he had enough sense or self-control to complete college courses?????? What a waste!

So I am just mind-blown at the lenghts she will go to pacify him and enable him. And for crying out loud....the absolute biggest joke of it all....is that during his withdrawal phase from alcohol binges she will tell me "I am trying to wean him off alcohol". I don't know exactly what she is doing....she says she dilutes his vodka or whatever with water and gives it to him in little amounts. What? So you can see how much CONTROL she wants to have over him.

Once I realized that for her...this is all about control, I began to feel less sorry for her. Yes, I would like my parents to have a 'normal' life. But considering the situation...it's not going to happen until my brother dies. There is no hope for him getting in a rehab (he refuses to go, whenever he does go he leaves). And because he can't be involuntarily committed to a mental institution because of his mental illness/addictions....he will forever be a psychotic monster who has a habit of frequently running down the street in his underwear trying to get away from the terrorists that are after him. Yes, this happens.

I have a wonderful husband, 2 beautiful children, and a very pleasant quiet life. I keep my distance from them because they disgust me so badly. However for the sake of trying to remain a family (dysfunctional, yes, but still a family)...sometimes we still visit with my parents on Sunday for lunch when my brother is not at his worst. Holidays are tricky. My mom can not leave my brother at home by himself for any length of time because he will either call the police/FD/ambulance or run down the street or to the neighbors seeking help from the terrorists that don't exist. I can not allow my mom to watch my children there because I don't trust that they will be safe. She can not come to our house to visit because she can't leave him alone, so she rarely gets to see her grandchildren.

And here's the kicker. She blantantly refuses to seek help from alanon or any other type of recovery group. She wants to believe that she is in control of this coupled with the fact that she has too much pride to confront a support group about her problems. After all these years, she apparently has found a way to survive this at her own choice of going through it alone. I stopped offering her advice (such as go to group support or kick him out, etc) because she doesn't take it.

So there's my story. I just wanted to put this out there to people who know what I'm going through. What other advice can you offer me? I want to feel validated that I am doing the right thing. By limiting my involvement in their life, to protect myself and my family from their destructiveness, to keep my own emotions, mind and spirit healthy. They are toxic and volatile. Why would I want that evil to touch the lives of my children or my husband and myself?

I love them, but I can't help them. Well, let me add that I love the brother that I used to know as a child. But this monster that he is today....I do not love. I am sure there are remnants of his spirit still left somewhere deep inside, but praise the day that his soul is released from this evil that has taken over his life and he is set free to the boundaries of heaven. I do believe that God will have mercy on his soul from this disease that his consumed his life. And I pray that God will forgive me for all the anger and resentment I have toward my brother and mom for their deviances. I want to be at peace with this.
BellaQ is offline  
Old 10-31-2012, 09:24 AM
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I am sorry you are going through all of this. I hope posting helps. It helps me to post and write in my journal.

I really commend you - It sounds to me like you are doing good for yourself - taking care of you - that is so smart. I am amazed at all the smart and strong things you said in your post while living with your situation. You can't control your brother's disease and you can't control your mom's refusal to get help for herself.

I don't want to say the wrong thing - but is there any way to help your dad? It sounds like he is stuck living in the situation and can't make a choice like you to take care of himself. I don't know if it would be a slippery slope to try to help him - but could you get him out of the daily living situation? I apologize if this isn't helpful.

Also just want to say again you are a smart, strong person. Hugs.
sandysue is offline  
Old 10-31-2012, 11:48 PM
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BellaQ, I want to send you hugs. Your story is so sad. My husbands family has some of the same issues with his Mom and sibling problems, but nothing as bad as yours. I do find it hard to believe that when your brother is having one of his episodes that your Mom can't call the police and they take him in for psych eval. Now, I realize that your Mom may not want to do that. I do know a couple who had a schizo daughter, age 16, and they had to call the police and let the state take her because they could no longer deal with her and feared for their saftey and for their other children. She was inpatient for 9 mons and is home now. I know how it suxs when your parent ignores your children for a cody relationship. Been there, done that.
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