lulumw

Hi, I'm new here. I've been with my boyfriend for four years. Considering I am only 18 that means he's been a huge part of my life. He is an addict & alcoholic - angry, delusional, paranoid when under the influence. He totaled 4 vehicles in 6 months in 2011 due to drunk driving, and did 3 months in county jail this year. He was sober 9 months and now has started occasionally drinking beer again.

He says he can handle it or whatever.

I really do not know what to do. Right now he is still sweet, funny, the guy I love to death. But I'm not sure if I want to ride this out if he's just going to inevitably lose control. I've asked him to stop but he says he can't not drink, he's in his youth, bla bla bla. Someone please tell me if this is a lost cause. I don't want to waste time if this relationship is going to return to the nightmare it once was, but I also don't want to miss out on more amazing times that we have been having if there's any chance he will continue to be OK....

Thanks in advance.

Tuffgirl

Welcome lulu.

You are the same age as my daughter. I won't Mom you to death here, but I will tell you what I told my own child when she got involved with a boy who was teetering on the edge of being out of control. Do you want to go down with him? Is that what you want for your life? What about your dreams, your goals? Do you want a family someday? As long as you are in a relationship with an addict, expect none of this.

Good times may occur, but they will be interspersed with destruction, because addicts inherently destroy everything they get their hands on. They are irrational and compulsive; it is the nature of addictions.

Imagine what it might be like to have a boyfriend who is just...a nice guy! He's trustworthy, responsible, kind, and respectful. He shows up when he says he will. He's safe - you know when you go to a party, he'll be able to drive you home afterward, because he's sober. He'll hold down a job and take you to dinner occasionally because he has extra money in his pocket. How does that sound? Maybe a tad bit boring?

Our pop culture today portrays relationships has full of struggle and strife; that creates the "drama" that makes for good story lines so people will watch every week. But genuine healthy relationships aren't full of drama; they tend to be a bit boring and predictable. Maybe you might be addicted to the drama and excitement that comes with having a relationship with an addict? I think my daughter was - she hung on for sometime, and struggles now with the "normal" guys. Luckily for her, the drama burn out set in early and firmly...she has no real tolerance for it anymore.

Play this one forward in your head. You are very young with much potential to live a full, rewarding life. Do you think you can get that from this guy?

All food for thought...spend some time reading about addictions, here and elsewhere. Attend a few open AA meetings and listen to the older speakers talk about how they started their addictions when they were teenagers. Look at where they are now, and how much they lost.

Good luck to you,
~T

Florence

Welcome!

Is it worth it? In my case, no.

Here's the thing, a guy that totals four cars in a year can't handle it. You're right to question this. Stop listening to what he's saying and start looking at what he's doing. Your answers will be in the gaps. You don't have to make any decisions today, but it's good to recognize that this isn't a pattern you're interested in continuing.

You're eighteen today. That's so young in the scheme of things, and there are so many guys out there who aren't on a suicidal mission that will also be smart, funny, and kind to you. I married your guy, and now I'm in my early thirties and looking at divorcing a giant man-baby whose parents still take care of everything for him, buying him replacement cars, and making all of his problems go away. Your life doesn't have to look like this. You have so, so, so many options and all the time in the world to exercise them.

MsPINKAcres

welcome to our SR family

How brave of you to seek answers to the tough questions - for me when I started looking for these answers I was almost 40 ~
I found my answers here at SR & in the program of Al-Anon
I found out
I didn't cause it
I can't control it
and most of all
I can't cure it

That people that suffer from the disease of alcoholism/addiction make choices that hurt themselves and the people around them ~ it was up to me to protect myself.

Doesn't make them bad people - just makes me have to do things that keep me safe, healthy and doing what is best for me and my life ~

I hope you take the opportunity to do the same for you - you deserve it

PINK HUGS,
Rita

lulumw

Thank you for your responses. Tuffgirl- all of that sounds wonderful, and it's what I have right now. He has been doing so well while he's been sober and he IS and does all those things, thats why I am so hesitant to let go of it before I know for sure that things are headed back in the wrong direction. How can I keep myself emotionally protected if I do stay with him...? any tips..?

thanks again very much.

Florence

Through this process we learn how to detach from their behavior, and how to be happy regardless of where our alcoholic partners are, what they're doing, or how they're behaving towards us. This is an ongoing process.

Here's a link for beginners: Detachment - Detachment From Alcoholism and Alcohol Problems

Basically we learn how not to rush in and save him, and to let him have the consequences of his behavior, good and bad.

Tuffgirl

It may look like what you have right now, but its highly likely what you have is the eye of the storm. He's back to drinking, and he has already shown you how out of control he can get. Past behavior tends to predict future behavior. Now he may be a rare one who turns it all around and does, in fact, control himself while drinking. It is possible, just unlikely.

In the meantime, you can work on defining your own boundaries and be prepared to stand firm on them. Decide what you will accept and what you won't. And work on your own self confidence, so if things get bad again, you can walk away with your head held high and dignity intact.

hope213

welcome to S.R. i am glad you found us. this tells me you are a very responsible person.
i am sorry u have found an addict to love. it is only going to get worse if he is not willing to totally give up alcohol. he thinks he is doing good & so do you but it is not going to last. it is a terrible ride with an alcoholic or an addict. i suggest to get out while u can. read around the boards. some just can not drink & it seems as if he is one of them.
let us know how u r doing. hugs & prayers,