Rosiepetal

After getting ok from exaby I went & saw his elderly Mum. I took the kids with me & we chatted about the family & what we'd been up to. She is like another Nana to them. When we went to leave I asked if she knew we'd split & she said yes. She said she knew he was an alcoholic. I said I loved her son but couldn't handle his drinking. I told her although I'd tried to help him he had to do it for himself. She agreed & said she was on my side re. the drinking & gave me a big hug.
She said he had moved on but that he did think a lot of me. (Gosh I really hope that doesn't mean he's moved on with ex he teamed up with after I left? ) I am trying so hard not to let that comment get to me but it is hanging there (deep breaths, positive thoughts).
I said I would like to remain friends with his Mum & the family & she welcomed that.
It was really nice to see her, she is 85 & has been sick in the past so staying in touch is good.
I felt really good about clearing the air.
The comment "hes moved on" is disturbing. How can he move on if he's still an alcoholic? Has he just moved on with someone else?
Wish she hadn't said that but nothing I can do but deep breaths & positive thoughts. I really do wish him happiness but would be gutted if I'd left him & he got new girlfriend straight away. Ouch.
Anyway it's nice to still be part of the family without him & I will have to let that thought ride over me & try not to think about it. If he did relationship hop it wouldn't work out though eh?
Gosh my husband ran off with my best mate & they got my house so done twice would not be good for my trust.
Deep breaths and positive thoughts.

Rosiepetal

Now I'm really sad. No replies. I guess I am truly alone.

Hopeworks

Rosie,

You posted this at midnight! It's 7 am in my time zone...

You will save yourself a lot of grief and heal quicker if you resolve NOT to talk about your X with family or friends. If you FB block anyone who might have info or get his posts...

Go NC and do not dwell or think about him... that is how we move on and stop the brain chemical reinforcements that cause the "withdrawal" from a toxic relationship to last longer than necessary.

If you want to visit his relatives JUST to see them the first thing you need to do is let them know discussion about him is off limits!

Are you in alanon? Great help when we are feeling alone....

ShootingStar1

Oh Rosiepetal, you are NOT alone. We were just sleeping!

I agree with Hopeworks, the less you think about him, the better off you'll be.

And, if you are imagining your AX with a new partner and all, what he will most likely replicate is all the bad behavior that drove you away. The only difference is that he will have - for a while anyway - a more willing victim...oops, I meant partner....

Think of it this way. If your relationship/marriage was a car, you were in the passenger seat, driving along in a rust-bucket with holes in the floorboard, road dirt hitting your feet, smelly seats, one wheel off, and the others barely screwed on, and a huge road excavation and flood ahead to contend with.

You quit driving this wreck of a jalopy. Good for you.

Now, why would you want to get back in that broken down heap of a car (read "life" here for "car")?

This is the only kind of car your XA knows, all he has access to right now. His new partner, if there is one, is happily getting into this mess.

You, my dear, can walk or ride a bicycle a bit, get yourself back in tiptop emotional shape, and then pick the car of your dreams.

On a more serious note, when I long for my AH, it feels terrible and the loss feels devastating at times. I think what I was longing for was mostly my dreams. If they were there 20 years ago when I married him, they aren't now. I work really hard to try to separate my memories of some really wonderful times with him from my fantasies of what the last lot of years actually was. I'm now 4 months separated, and just starting to be able to acknowledge the good times without slipping into my dreams of what should have, could have, would have, and sometimes actually was a good relationship.

When my daughter was 3, she had done something she shouldn't have done, and she knew it. She stood at the top of the stairs, looking at me with an impish grin, and called down:

"There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
And when she was good,
She was very very good...."

And then my daughter added:
"And I'm not going to tell you the rest!"

And scooted away where I couldn't see her.

Well, that last phrase is:
"And when she was bad,
She was horrid."

And I think that's what so many of us just want to make disappear, but it is the truth, and that's why we're no longer with our XA's.

Keep the faith, let these feelings wash over you, but remember, the waves and the tide recede after they come to the shore, so let these feelings recede, too. This is NOT where you will live emotionally in a while, and each day is a step toward freedom and peace.

ShootingStar1

MamaKit

Hey Rosie,
You are not alone. No way darling.
Maybe Nana was trying to help you let go and detach when she said that he had moved on. It does not necessarily mean that he's with someone new. But even if he is, what of it? He is revealing more to you by doing so.
I'm sorry that it hurts and that it has happened to you before. I can imagine that opening that wound is so hard.
So be kind and gentle to yourself. Do something to show you how much you deserve to be loved and treated with respect and tenderness.
You're going to be okay. Be careful about contact with his family. Those are tricky waters to navigate. Boundaries, Boudaries, Boundaries.
Hugs,
MamaKit

Tuffgirl

I agree - this could be potentially more heartache for you, although I understand why you want to. But blood is thicker than water, and her priority is her kid,r egardless of his bad behavior...just remember that.

He's moved on...hmmm...its well known that its hard to shake an alcoholic. I can't predict the future, but something tells me you have not heard the last of this guy. And often, they pop up again just when you finally feel like you have moved on, or met someone else who interests you.

I say this not to get your hopes up, but that maybe you can look at this as simply what it is today, and it may not be the same thing tomorrow. Instead of feeling devastated by the sense of permanence, just focus on one day at a time.

Florence

Relationships with active alcoholics rarely work out. You can take some solace knowing that he's just as miserable wherever he is and whoever he's with.

Rosiepetal

Thank you all.
I am in New Zealand & forgot my time is the complete reverse to a lot of you.
I live in a small town & the exabf & his Mum live about 2 blocks away from me so the chances of bumping into them are quite high. I really don't want to loose touch with his Mum, she is 85 & who knows how long she'll be around for, I want to see her occassionally at the end side of her life.
I woke at 3am with a desperate need to know if exabf was seeing someone else. I lay awake for hours going over everything. I came to the following & asked myself:
What if he is with someone else?

I replied to myself that other person will be on the same rollercoaster as I've just been on & it would be sad to see ex go straight into another relationship. I just really hope I don't have to bump into them together just yet.
What if he isn't with someone else?

Then it will make no difference because we are not getting back together.
If there is noone else then he has more chance of healing (positive thoughts).

My dear SR friends I think yesterday I feel like I fell off a horse, but I lay on the ground for a while & today I got back up & climbed back in the saddle & SR friends when I learn to ride really well on my horse I want to jump the highest jump there is to prove I can do it for myself.
I will start again with my one day at a time (or one hour at a time if I have to) & try not to think about him.
Thank you all once again.

SparkleKitty

Way to get back on the horse, rosiepetal.

My best friend and her husband just moved back to New Zealand, where she is from! I can't wait to visit them one day soon. I've heard so much about it and it just sounds lovely.