bamboo10

So i officially left. For a few reasons.

1. I know he is still drinking-I can smell it on his breath. He is slowly killing himself and I cant watch

2. I dont think he cares about me. He says he does---he insists, but he doesnt show it. He hasnt done a single thing to show he cares about me in any way or that he would want to fight for me.


I cant even go on. I broke up with him a few hours ago. I feel awful. All I do is cry. I miss him. I miss what we had. I love him. I wish there was some way we could have worked it out but I just couldnt handle being upset all the time. All I needed was to feel loved by him...and he couldnt do that.

There are a bunch more reasons but I am to upset to type it all out right now, guess i just needed some support.

lovesunandsnow

I am so sorry your feeling this way and I can relate! It' hard when all you want is there love but they love to drink to much. Very sad. Treat yourself with kindness right now and if you have to cry then cry but take care of you first.

rainiee

Sigh... what a hard day for you. I have been in a waking nightmare for what, 19 days now? I still cry at the drop of the hat if I have to talk to someone about it but at least my entire day isn't filled with those tears like the first chunk of days. Allow yourself to feel what ever it is you need to feel but yes, try to be gentle with yourself.
Hugs...

ZiggyB

I'm sorry too... breakups are difficult but I think you will get through it in time and feel a lot better!

AlcoholicLove

I know this won't be of any comfort to you, but they (most) are not capable of love, caring for someone else, or being in any kind of successful relationship.
They(most)are selfish, uncaring, lying, hurtful people that don't love themselves-how can they love us?
It's not you, it's him

Rosiepetal

So sorry you're hurting, you are amongst others here.
I think alcoholiclove hit the nail on the head, they can't love.
Bigs hugs to you.
Keep posting.

dollydo

Is this really the last time? He is who he is, he is an unhealthy addict, either you need to accept him for who he is.....or, really let go and move forward with your life.

I am sorry, however, you hold the key to your happiness, he does not.

JeffKan1

Congrats on leaving, it is such a huge, difficult decision. As far as whether he cares about your or not, it's difficult for him to "see" through his alcoholism well enough to show you any care. You say you were upset all the time. I'll bet you were upset for very good reasons. Breathe deep, take one day at a time. Work on yourself. Go to an Al-Anon meeting there. Go to at least 6 mtgs before you decide if they are helpful. Hang in there, you can do this!

bamboo10

It's just so sad. I feel so alone right now. My heart is broken

bamboo10

It only makes it worse that we have no power. No water. Nothing. So I get to sit around and think nonstop.

Sueski

I'm so sorry. Just hang on, sweetie. It will get better. Sending you hugs...

sandysue

I know exactly how you feel. I don't say that lightly.
It hurts like heck! Please try to get through this one day at a time. That phrase has really helped me lately.
Hugs and take care.

mdkathy62

Good afternoon bamboo10,

Thank you for sharing. I too left my alcoholic ex bf exactly one week ago. My emotions are up and down, happy then angry then sad then optimistic again. It's horrible. I get so angry and resentful when I think about all the things that happened, all that I forgave, and let go thinking that if I made his life easier, it would be easier for him to recover. I, too, also got fed the words that he cared, but the actions did not align. It's a horrible horrible place to be in. Please feel free to vent, to be angry, to be sad, BUT not too long. Let it all out, do whatever you have to do, and then start rebuilding yourself and try to aim for no contact. My ex and I were on and off 3-4 times in the past and every time I was rebuilding myself and felt stronger, he ALWAYS came right back around and I let him...I wasn't done rebuilding. I thought it was ok to let him back in and I was wrong. Please, keep coming back. Keep sharing. I know that coming on here, reading everyone's stories, getting everyone's feedback has REALLY helped me. I don't feel alone on SR. While I can talk to friends and family members for hours and hours, no one truly understands like here on SR because everyone here on SR has LIVED it.

Hang in there, and please keep coming back.

ShellyStelle

I am so sorry. I remember when I first left my ex husband. It can be an emotional roller coaster. What helped me is making a list of things that bring be joy that I can do on a daily basis:
A warm bubble bath
A delicious cupcake
Watching my favorite movie
An awful but totally entertaining celebrity magazine

And every time I was feeling down I did one thing on my list.

Sungrl

I am proud of you! You have done what I can not yet allow myself to do. You will have peace in your life. It will get better. I only hope one day soon I will have the strenght and courage to be strong myself. I admire you alot. Thanks for showing me it can be done, I know it hurts, but I am willing to bet in the long run life without him will be fantastic. Kudos to you.

bamboo10

I am so mad and hurt by his mom. I have all this anger and rage right now and I still havent been able to take it out on him. He has a disease, I understand. However, his mom knew me before we dated-she loved me before we dated-she told my mom we would be perfect for each other. When we met she was so encouraging of us dating. She knew about his issues. I know she loves me but if you loved me why would you let me go through what I have? She wanted me to fix her son...she should have known that I couldnt do that. Then she told me several times in the past week when we were having issues-maybe it is just time to leave and move on-now she wont speak to me...ugh anyway, i sent her this email yesterday because i think she needs to see my side of the story. She probably wont answer but i needed to say what i felt. It just drives me nuts-she said i was the best thing that ever happened to him-but she had no cares about whether or not he was a good thing for me-which we all know he wasnt. Anyway, I know he is her son and she will always side with him- and she just wanted to help him but it is seriously killing me.

J,

First of all I am so sorry. You have to believe that this is the last thing I wanted. I love your son so much. I love him more than life itself. I wanted a forever with him. Writing that email was the hardest thing I have ever done, and there are still about 100 times a day I want to take it all back.

The fact is, he is still drinking. I long ago gave up on looking for bottles, or trying to catch him, and I never mention it because I know he will deny it, heck I wanted to deny it as well. But I can't only pretend I don't smell it on his breathe, or notice it in his behavior for so long. I know he hates when I even mention the word drinking, as he thinks I blame everything on that, but the truth is our relationship lines up pretty exactly to a normal alcoholic relationship. He is slowly killing himself. When I look at our future I see us married, with a kid or two. However, there is another part of our future that at this point is more realistic. I see myself widowed with a kid or two having to bury my husband. I sit in al-anon and listen to a woman talk about her two alcoholic husbands that both committed suicide. I read family and friends support forums where at least once or twice a month someone has to bury their loved one. I have done so much research on this disease. I understand how difficult it or to get to a point where you want to stop, and that nobody can get you to that point-you have to get there alone. Someone said recently it is like having cancer but refusing any treatment. He needs to hit his bottom and work from there, he needs to want to stop and want to have a better and healthier life for himself. I know I am letting him down. I know I am letting all of you down, and I'm beyond sorry for that.

T is an amazing person. He is kind, generous, funny, and an overall amazing guy. He doesn't see that though. He doesn't care about himself and doesn't think he deserves to be cared about. He has made that clear by the shear amount of times he has Mentioned wanting to kill himself to me. I leave wondering if he is going to use one of his many guns on himself at any moment. I know you say he loves me, and he says he loves me, and in my head I know he loves me, but my heart feels different. He doesn't show he loves me. I don't feel it. Words are great, but they only mean so much. Actions speak so much louder. I never wanted fancy gifts, or flowers or anything like that-I simply wanted a random hug or kiss for no reason, and random text saying he is thinking about me and cares, little things like that to show me he cared.

I wish I could have been enough for him. I really do. You said once that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. How can that be true when I can't make him want a better life for himself? I can't even make him want to live. I feel like half the people in his life blame me for his drinking, and the other half want me to fix him. I can't do either of those, and it kills me that I can't. But I also can't watch him kill himself. To feel the massive heartache I feel right now just shows me that I can't spend years of my life with him just to lose him to this disease. I have been physically sick for about two months now worrying about him. Everytime I leave him I leave wondering where we stand. That's not how love should be. I wish love could conquer all, but it just can't. I know I get emotional when I drink, but the truth is that the things I say drunk is how I am feeling all the time, I just repress the emotions. I know everyone thinks I am just the jerk that broke your sons heart, but you need to know that I am broken as well. I have lost so much of myself recently, and I hate the person I have become. Codependency has turned me into a very messed up person. A person that is not only not good for me, but isn't good for T either. Our relationship has not been healthy for several months. I didn't want to admit it, and he doesn't want to admit it, but deep down we knew. I still love him deeply. I still wish there was a way I could help him and that we could get through this, but I don't think there is. All I have seen the last few months is his angry side (whether it is toward me or not I don't know, but it feels it is because he won't talk to me about anything) with a few random short glimpses of happiness. I wish I was enough to make him happy, I am sorry that I am not. I will love him forever and will worry about him constantly. I did my best to protect him and help him. He means more to me than words can even express and I hope you all know that, I hope he knows that. I can't see my life without him in it, but I know he wants nothing to do with me right now, and I have to respect that. I hope one day we can at least have a friendship, and maybe if he figures out everything going on in his head maybe a relationship, but right now it just won't work.

Again, I am so sorry. I love you and I love him more than I can even begin to describe,
Katie

sandysue

I am assuming his mom is not in Al-Anon. I think you have to let his mom get help and try to understand the disease like you did. She's not where you are as far as understanding and knowledge of the disease. How can she understand that what you are doing is the healthy positive thing to do when she doesn't have the tools or knowledge to even know that? I'm not making excuses for her, just trying to make it easier for you to accept that it's ok if she doesn't agree with your decisions.
I wish my A's mom & dad could get help but they won't. I accept that. It's their choice to get help or not.

bamboo10

she went to al anon for about 3 weeks....then stopped. she wants to be in her denial so whatever