Boyfriend implied he would smash my nose in
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 14
Boyfriend implied he would smash my nose in
Hello,
I am new to this forum but have been 'lurking' here for a few days, reading posts that people have made about living with an alcoholic partner. I have already found people's replies very helpful, but would really appreciate some advice on my own situation, which I will try to describe below.
A few weeks ago, I moved in with my boyfriend who is, I suppose, a functional alcoholic. He certainly describes himself as an alcoholic sometimes, though it took me some time to realise that he was one. He is in his early 40s; I'm in my late 20s.
I realised that our living arrangement had to be brought to an end when, one night, after dinner, he started boring a hole in a beer bottle cap, using a corkscrew. I asked him (nicely/gently) why he was doing this, and he said: "so I don't smash your nose in". I was horrified, but remained calm. I asked him why he would want to do that to me, as I could not think of anything I had said that would have made him upset. I don't think he gave me an answer.
Whilst drunk the following evening, he pretended to machine-gun some baby animals on TV that I said were cute. He is a vegan/vegetarian - he was actually a vegan and an animal rights activist long before he met me. Sometimes though, he says he doesn't like animals. Those nights when he was drunk every night, I felt like I was treading on eggshells.
We first got together 4 years ago, but our first attempt at a relationship lasted only 9 months. This was due to various pressures (including the fact that I felt very isolated where I lived, and was very unhappy in the job that I had at the time). He was arrested a few months into our relationship for having been involved in organised, politically-motivated violence - I was unaware of these activities until he was arrested. He has strong, some would say extreme, political views however. I do not believe in these methods myself, and I am no longer sure I share his political views.
Towards the end of his 6 month spell in prison, I wrote to him and we exchanged a few letters. Following his release, we slowly resumed our relationship to the point where it was agreed I would move in with him.
Around the beginning of the two weeks that I lived with him, we went to a restaurant (his suggestion) where he became progressively more drunk. He then deliberately made very loud statements to the effect that voters for a particular (mainstream) party "should be taken outside and shot" - he wanted everyone to hear. This was very embarrassing for me, but I knew he would become angry/agitated if I challenged his behaviour in any serious way. When I pointed out the next day that it was a restaurant, he defended his behaviour, saying "this is what working class people here do", and that there are often drunken parties etc there.
Another evening, whilst he was drunk, we were talking about blushing. I asked him what would make him blush, and he said it would be if people knew he was gay. He has referred to himself as gay before, but refuses to elaborate much on this. Sometimes he says it is just because he likes fashionable clothes.
A couple of months ago, I actually broke up with my him briefly, after I learned (from him) that he'd visited the same restaurant, became drunk, then punched an acquaintance - there was blood, apparently. This was after the acquaintance had criticised/mocked some of my boyfriend's views on animal rights. The acquaintance (who has mental and substance issues himself) actually began working for my boyfriend AFTER this happened!
I'm now living with my parents, as I felt threatened by my boyfriend's behaviour. He does drink too much (I was already aware of this), and will often get drunk at home after work. He is self-employed - I was actually working for his business before I decided to leave. Now I have no job.
He wants me to return to live and work with him, but I have great concerns. I have repeatedly explained why I found his behaviour threatening but he doesn't seem to accept this; he even suggested that *I* am the one with the problem (I have been feeling depressed lately, which I'm seeking help/support for).
I have repeatedly stated (via text message) that he needs to seek professional help for his alcoholism and anger issues. He seems resistant to going to AA or similar, and at first just said that he wouldn't drink around me. That would pretty much stop us from being able to socialise together, especially in UK, where so much socialising seem revolve around alcohol. He even suggested I go to see the doctor (GP) with him, but I was reluctant to do so, as it would involve a 3 hour train journey and I did not want to encourage further personal contact between us after what has happened.
He texted me today to say he has seen the GP (doctor), who says he needs to take things one step at a time, and is sending him for blood tests to check liver function. My boyfriend says this is apparently the first step, and so there are no plans at the present moment for his to attend AA or anger management.
He seems to get angered by things that other people would consider relatively minor. He also seems to want to control how I live - e.g. tells me how to cook a meal "his" way, and gets angry/agitated if I don't put ingredients back in the cupboard immediately after I've used them.
He says I must spend my spare time working as an activist, or even running for local election, as this is the only way that "we" will be able to run society and sort things out. Because he is on licence (probation) due to being involved in organised political violence, he is not allowed to go to political/public meetings. This is why he wants me to run for election instead, as he cannot due to his recent criminal conviction.
Deep down, I know this is not right, but I lack courage to break away from (once and for all) someone who seems so deeply hurt himself. His father abandoned the family when he was a child and his family had very little money, and I think this is the root cause of a lot of his resentment towards the current system and people who do not support his aims. Nothing is ever good enough for him - his ex-girlfriend said the same.
Sometimes he defends the way he behaves (angry, swearing, violent) by saying that it is because he is working class, and implies that I am being 'bourgeois' and middle class (i.e. an oppressor) if I object to it, and out of touch with the reality of everyday life for working class people. Incidentally, I have worked or studied full time virtually my whole adult life up to now, which would surely categorise me as 'working class'.
What makes it so hard is that when he is sober, he can be very gentle, loving and affectionate, and he is always respectful and tender towards me in the bedoom. He has also given me an enjoyable job and a rent-free home in his apartment, which I enjoy looking after.
He actually voluntarily and spontaneously quite alcohol for a month before I moved in; things were better then. Now I am wondering if quitting the alcohol in that month was just a use, because he thought it might convince me to move in.
I feel a lot of guilt over this - as if every time I leave/try to leave (probably half a dozen times now over the years), I am abandoning and wounding him all over again, just like his father did. At the same time, I want to be free, to build a healthy life for myself where I can be myself, away from his obsession with controlling everything. I generally drink very little myself and have never taken drugs.
Please help put some sense into me! I know this is not right, but I feel guilty and still emotionally attached to him. When things are good, they're great, but I know the way he has behaved is not acceptable.
I am new to this forum but have been 'lurking' here for a few days, reading posts that people have made about living with an alcoholic partner. I have already found people's replies very helpful, but would really appreciate some advice on my own situation, which I will try to describe below.
A few weeks ago, I moved in with my boyfriend who is, I suppose, a functional alcoholic. He certainly describes himself as an alcoholic sometimes, though it took me some time to realise that he was one. He is in his early 40s; I'm in my late 20s.
I realised that our living arrangement had to be brought to an end when, one night, after dinner, he started boring a hole in a beer bottle cap, using a corkscrew. I asked him (nicely/gently) why he was doing this, and he said: "so I don't smash your nose in". I was horrified, but remained calm. I asked him why he would want to do that to me, as I could not think of anything I had said that would have made him upset. I don't think he gave me an answer.
Whilst drunk the following evening, he pretended to machine-gun some baby animals on TV that I said were cute. He is a vegan/vegetarian - he was actually a vegan and an animal rights activist long before he met me. Sometimes though, he says he doesn't like animals. Those nights when he was drunk every night, I felt like I was treading on eggshells.
We first got together 4 years ago, but our first attempt at a relationship lasted only 9 months. This was due to various pressures (including the fact that I felt very isolated where I lived, and was very unhappy in the job that I had at the time). He was arrested a few months into our relationship for having been involved in organised, politically-motivated violence - I was unaware of these activities until he was arrested. He has strong, some would say extreme, political views however. I do not believe in these methods myself, and I am no longer sure I share his political views.
Towards the end of his 6 month spell in prison, I wrote to him and we exchanged a few letters. Following his release, we slowly resumed our relationship to the point where it was agreed I would move in with him.
Around the beginning of the two weeks that I lived with him, we went to a restaurant (his suggestion) where he became progressively more drunk. He then deliberately made very loud statements to the effect that voters for a particular (mainstream) party "should be taken outside and shot" - he wanted everyone to hear. This was very embarrassing for me, but I knew he would become angry/agitated if I challenged his behaviour in any serious way. When I pointed out the next day that it was a restaurant, he defended his behaviour, saying "this is what working class people here do", and that there are often drunken parties etc there.
Another evening, whilst he was drunk, we were talking about blushing. I asked him what would make him blush, and he said it would be if people knew he was gay. He has referred to himself as gay before, but refuses to elaborate much on this. Sometimes he says it is just because he likes fashionable clothes.
A couple of months ago, I actually broke up with my him briefly, after I learned (from him) that he'd visited the same restaurant, became drunk, then punched an acquaintance - there was blood, apparently. This was after the acquaintance had criticised/mocked some of my boyfriend's views on animal rights. The acquaintance (who has mental and substance issues himself) actually began working for my boyfriend AFTER this happened!
I'm now living with my parents, as I felt threatened by my boyfriend's behaviour. He does drink too much (I was already aware of this), and will often get drunk at home after work. He is self-employed - I was actually working for his business before I decided to leave. Now I have no job.
He wants me to return to live and work with him, but I have great concerns. I have repeatedly explained why I found his behaviour threatening but he doesn't seem to accept this; he even suggested that *I* am the one with the problem (I have been feeling depressed lately, which I'm seeking help/support for).
I have repeatedly stated (via text message) that he needs to seek professional help for his alcoholism and anger issues. He seems resistant to going to AA or similar, and at first just said that he wouldn't drink around me. That would pretty much stop us from being able to socialise together, especially in UK, where so much socialising seem revolve around alcohol. He even suggested I go to see the doctor (GP) with him, but I was reluctant to do so, as it would involve a 3 hour train journey and I did not want to encourage further personal contact between us after what has happened.
He texted me today to say he has seen the GP (doctor), who says he needs to take things one step at a time, and is sending him for blood tests to check liver function. My boyfriend says this is apparently the first step, and so there are no plans at the present moment for his to attend AA or anger management.
He seems to get angered by things that other people would consider relatively minor. He also seems to want to control how I live - e.g. tells me how to cook a meal "his" way, and gets angry/agitated if I don't put ingredients back in the cupboard immediately after I've used them.
He says I must spend my spare time working as an activist, or even running for local election, as this is the only way that "we" will be able to run society and sort things out. Because he is on licence (probation) due to being involved in organised political violence, he is not allowed to go to political/public meetings. This is why he wants me to run for election instead, as he cannot due to his recent criminal conviction.
Deep down, I know this is not right, but I lack courage to break away from (once and for all) someone who seems so deeply hurt himself. His father abandoned the family when he was a child and his family had very little money, and I think this is the root cause of a lot of his resentment towards the current system and people who do not support his aims. Nothing is ever good enough for him - his ex-girlfriend said the same.
Sometimes he defends the way he behaves (angry, swearing, violent) by saying that it is because he is working class, and implies that I am being 'bourgeois' and middle class (i.e. an oppressor) if I object to it, and out of touch with the reality of everyday life for working class people. Incidentally, I have worked or studied full time virtually my whole adult life up to now, which would surely categorise me as 'working class'.
What makes it so hard is that when he is sober, he can be very gentle, loving and affectionate, and he is always respectful and tender towards me in the bedoom. He has also given me an enjoyable job and a rent-free home in his apartment, which I enjoy looking after.
He actually voluntarily and spontaneously quite alcohol for a month before I moved in; things were better then. Now I am wondering if quitting the alcohol in that month was just a use, because he thought it might convince me to move in.
I feel a lot of guilt over this - as if every time I leave/try to leave (probably half a dozen times now over the years), I am abandoning and wounding him all over again, just like his father did. At the same time, I want to be free, to build a healthy life for myself where I can be myself, away from his obsession with controlling everything. I generally drink very little myself and have never taken drugs.
Please help put some sense into me! I know this is not right, but I feel guilty and still emotionally attached to him. When things are good, they're great, but I know the way he has behaved is not acceptable.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Welcome Pierra,
I am sorry for what has brought you to SR, but glad you found us and that you posted!
My adult son is the 'qualifer' in my life, but I was married to a very controlling man, so have some experience w/guilt, emotional attachment, low self esteem, etc.
No one has a right to tell you what to think, where to work, how to behave. Even the 'not putting away ingredients' as soon as you use them, is just another attempt to CONTROL you. Why do some of us fall for that crap?!? Why do we feel it is ok to be treated like crap?!? It isn't Pierra, you deserve so much better, so much more than this man has to offer.
Others with more experience with alcoholic partners will be along with more sharing soon.
I am sorry for what has brought you to SR, but glad you found us and that you posted!
My adult son is the 'qualifer' in my life, but I was married to a very controlling man, so have some experience w/guilt, emotional attachment, low self esteem, etc.
No one has a right to tell you what to think, where to work, how to behave. Even the 'not putting away ingredients' as soon as you use them, is just another attempt to CONTROL you. Why do some of us fall for that crap?!? Why do we feel it is ok to be treated like crap?!? It isn't Pierra, you deserve so much better, so much more than this man has to offer.
Others with more experience with alcoholic partners will be along with more sharing soon.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
I think that you already know that this is not a healthy relationship, not at all.
You need to look after yourself first. Alcoholism is a progressive disease....horribly so.
I want to tell you to run, run far away, but I doubt that is helpful! The things that he is saying and doing are down right scary! Be careful.
Sending you strength and good vibes.
.
You need to look after yourself first. Alcoholism is a progressive disease....horribly so.
I want to tell you to run, run far away, but I doubt that is helpful! The things that he is saying and doing are down right scary! Be careful.
Sending you strength and good vibes.
.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
just a few questions
remove yourself from this situation - imagine that this was your daughter, your mom, your sister, or your very best friend in this relationship with this man - what would you suggest them to do?
hang around hoping things would get better?
hoping he won't follow thru on the threat to hit them
hoping he learn be to happy with them just the way they are
Please think about taking a step back and looking at the reality of the situation - today is probably the best it's ever going to be - more than likely thru the years it will only get worse -
don't you think you deserve better than that - I personally think you do ~
prayers for your HP's very best for you,
pink hugs,
Rita
remove yourself from this situation - imagine that this was your daughter, your mom, your sister, or your very best friend in this relationship with this man - what would you suggest them to do?
hang around hoping things would get better?
hoping he won't follow thru on the threat to hit them
hoping he learn be to happy with them just the way they are
Please think about taking a step back and looking at the reality of the situation - today is probably the best it's ever going to be - more than likely thru the years it will only get worse -
don't you think you deserve better than that - I personally think you do ~
prayers for your HP's very best for you,
pink hugs,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Maybe you could make a list of what you find good about your relationship and him and make a list of the bad? Maybe when you look at both lists the answer will be right there... Not what you want to hear, but it's what you might need to.
Blessings
Blessings
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 14
JMFburns, Confetti, MsPINKAcres, Thepatman,
Thank you all for your helpful replies to my post.
The point about alcoholism being a progressive disease is something I hadn't really been aware of, but will take note of.
Yes, imagining a loved one in a similar situation really does bring it home. How dare somebody threaten them like that! They are far too precious.
At one point while he was drunk, he said "It's all about me, me, me" - his business, his home, everything - and said that if a girlfriend doesn't like that, she can leave. I guess that says it all. It is just hard to square with how he is when sober sometimes. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Writing things down in a list would be helpful, I think.
Thank you all for your helpful replies to my post.
The point about alcoholism being a progressive disease is something I hadn't really been aware of, but will take note of.
Yes, imagining a loved one in a similar situation really does bring it home. How dare somebody threaten them like that! They are far too precious.
At one point while he was drunk, he said "It's all about me, me, me" - his business, his home, everything - and said that if a girlfriend doesn't like that, she can leave. I guess that says it all. It is just hard to square with how he is when sober sometimes. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Writing things down in a list would be helpful, I think.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 30
My heart goes out to you. But if a friend was to describe to you what you just described what would you say? And the political thing is scarey, frankly its all scarey. please get into alanon and get some months under your belt. Stay with it until you feel better and have some clarity. Keep posting!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Next time he may not imply that he is going to punch you, he just may do it. IMO he is a
dangerous unbalanced person. You are safe, stay that way.
He is wounded because he is playing the victim, not because of your leaving him. And, guilt is a self imposed emotion, one that keeps one stuck in an unhealthy relationship.
You deserve a better life, go no contact with him and move forward to a happier life.
dangerous unbalanced person. You are safe, stay that way.
He is wounded because he is playing the victim, not because of your leaving him. And, guilt is a self imposed emotion, one that keeps one stuck in an unhealthy relationship.
You deserve a better life, go no contact with him and move forward to a happier life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 14
Hi Rhondaseven
Thanks for your reply - it's much appreciated.
I had wondered about AA or a similar group for Codependents. Can anyone advise on this?
It is not the first time I have been in a relationship with somebody with anger/control isues unfortunately. I need to break the cycle.
Thanks for your reply - it's much appreciated.
I had wondered about AA or a similar group for Codependents. Can anyone advise on this?
It is not the first time I have been in a relationship with somebody with anger/control isues unfortunately. I need to break the cycle.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 14
What does not help is that my parents - with whom I'm living - don't like to express an opinion on my relationships as I am an adult, so it is basically up to me to sort out my muddled feelings on such things. What they seem to be scared of is that if I later regret my decision, I will accuse them of trying to influence me. In actual fact, they have NEVER given me any emotional guidance regards relationships with boys/men, or taught me to be assertive. They used to smack me in anger as a child if I was "badly behaved" i.e. had a tantrum, shouted at them etc, so I am easily intimidated by people as I have that memory of violence still. This surely hasn't helped me in life, as I have been repeatedly dominated/controlled by men, as well as bullied at school and in my workplace. Thanks, mum & dad!
My best girlfriend does not have a good opinion of my boyfriend (or should that be, ex boyfriend).
My best girlfriend does not have a good opinion of my boyfriend (or should that be, ex boyfriend).
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
Hello first of all BIG HUGS, and so glad you found your way to SR and to actually post and ask for help. Living with an alcoholic is like buying a ticket on the crazy train. The crazy never ends. If he could give up alcohol he would not be an alcoholic. A lot of alcoholics try to 'cut back' 'slow down' 'change brands' - it does not work. It is a progressive disease and the only way they can have any kind of healthy life is to give up completely with a support program like AA. The fact that there is that age difference between you makes me suspect he wants to be with someone he can control. Was there for nearly 30 years myself - it never got any better only worse. Yes mostly likely he did stop drinking to convince you to move in and slowly his bad behaviour is being revealed.
Living with an alcoholic (which by the way is a mental illness) means you will also end up with mentally health issues - not fun. I would suggest you go to Al-anon and try at least 6 meetings - it will help you to connect with others in your situation. I think you are already showing strong co-dependent traits. It is not your job to make up for anything that happened to him as a child. Ask yourself this - what is it you are giving up your happiness, independence and eventually self for? A job ? An apartment? - You can have these things without giving up on yourself. If things are bad now imagine how much worse they would be if you have children and you already feel like this now. Alcoholics do not take responsibility - hence they continue to defend their actions and then they will start to blame you. If you are already isolated and vulnerable then you are in danger of living your life totally around him. I would urge you to create some space between you. Live your own life and if you still want to see him - do so but don't think things are going to get better without any change on his part - they never do - sorry to sound so hard but I have yet to see this kind of situation turn around. Ask yourself who is this kind gentle man - is he real.? Mine turned out not to be - but an illusion. The other problem with this behaviour is the contrast between the two extremes mean that after he's been horrible the niceness seems really wonderful by contrast - it is not, that should be the way he was all along. Listen to your instincts and remember there are lots of relationships out there that won't hurt like this one will. Keep posting. The fact that you have already tried leaving and keep coming back sounds like you are already addicted to him. If its is this difficult to leave now thing how difficult it would be to leave if you have kids and have been with him even longer. He is probably very skilled and manipulative at making you feel guilty - don't fall for it. Work on your self esteem and see how he reacts to you being a strong person and having your own ideas - that should reveal how much he wants you to be happy.
Living with an alcoholic (which by the way is a mental illness) means you will also end up with mentally health issues - not fun. I would suggest you go to Al-anon and try at least 6 meetings - it will help you to connect with others in your situation. I think you are already showing strong co-dependent traits. It is not your job to make up for anything that happened to him as a child. Ask yourself this - what is it you are giving up your happiness, independence and eventually self for? A job ? An apartment? - You can have these things without giving up on yourself. If things are bad now imagine how much worse they would be if you have children and you already feel like this now. Alcoholics do not take responsibility - hence they continue to defend their actions and then they will start to blame you. If you are already isolated and vulnerable then you are in danger of living your life totally around him. I would urge you to create some space between you. Live your own life and if you still want to see him - do so but don't think things are going to get better without any change on his part - they never do - sorry to sound so hard but I have yet to see this kind of situation turn around. Ask yourself who is this kind gentle man - is he real.? Mine turned out not to be - but an illusion. The other problem with this behaviour is the contrast between the two extremes mean that after he's been horrible the niceness seems really wonderful by contrast - it is not, that should be the way he was all along. Listen to your instincts and remember there are lots of relationships out there that won't hurt like this one will. Keep posting. The fact that you have already tried leaving and keep coming back sounds like you are already addicted to him. If its is this difficult to leave now thing how difficult it would be to leave if you have kids and have been with him even longer. He is probably very skilled and manipulative at making you feel guilty - don't fall for it. Work on your self esteem and see how he reacts to you being a strong person and having your own ideas - that should reveal how much he wants you to be happy.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
The fact that he told you that he was thinking that he wanted to hurt you, combined with the fact that you know he used physical violence against someone else for reasons other than self defense, means that he is willing to cross a line that many will not.
Violent people get violent.
You need to think about that and decide if thats acceptable in your life.
If he's drinking, it is unchecked, and unpredictable.
Violent people get violent.
You need to think about that and decide if thats acceptable in your life.
If he's drinking, it is unchecked, and unpredictable.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 14
cr995 and DoubleBarrel, thanks very much too for your replies.
Yes, I very much felt that I was being expected to live my life around him. He even said he wanted me to be his 'Personal Assistant' not only at work but also at home - to organise his life for him. What life of my own did that leave me? The more I read about narcissism, he seems to fit the profile - apparently, the ultimate aim of the narcissist is to make you WILLINGLY be their slave. He would quite often (I thought it was jokingly) refer to me as his slave. It seems there is often a big overlap between narcissism and alcoholism/other addictions.
It has occurred to me that if am addicted to him, it would be healthiest for me to have no contact with him at all. Just as an alcoholic in recovery must cease to drink any alcohol. I think that is wisest.
Yes, I very much felt that I was being expected to live my life around him. He even said he wanted me to be his 'Personal Assistant' not only at work but also at home - to organise his life for him. What life of my own did that leave me? The more I read about narcissism, he seems to fit the profile - apparently, the ultimate aim of the narcissist is to make you WILLINGLY be their slave. He would quite often (I thought it was jokingly) refer to me as his slave. It seems there is often a big overlap between narcissism and alcoholism/other addictions.
It has occurred to me that if am addicted to him, it would be healthiest for me to have no contact with him at all. Just as an alcoholic in recovery must cease to drink any alcohol. I think that is wisest.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Good to hear, Pierra, that you are realizing how devastating and dangerous this relationship can be for you. I also worry about the possibility of physical violence from him; as Double Barrel said, he's already crossed that line and has a criminal record, and now he has threatened you with physical violence to the point where he had to damage an object to keep himself from attacking you.
That's a really big signal - more than a red flag, it leans toward being a declaration of intent. Your safety comes first, and I'd say take this very seriously.
There are a series of stunning videos on You Tube about narcissism that people have been talking about here on Sober Recovery. Google "Sam Vaknin and narcsisissm" and you'll find them. Sam Vaknin is a narcissist, and he makes it clear that narcissists want to be in control no matter what it takes, and have no capacity to really care for anyone else.
Sober Recovery had quite a thread on narcissism within the past couple of months; you can find the thread with the search function at the top of the page on the blue ribbon.
From my own unfortunate experience, you might also want to google "Stockholm Syndrome" and "gaslighting"; they are other forms of abuse that it would be worth learning about as you get a handle on how he has been treating you.
Alanon is a 12 step program for friends and family of alcoholics; it is based on AA, but focuses on those of us who have been impacted by someone else's alcoholism. It can also help you learn to set boundaries that respect your needs, and learn to take care of yourself and stand up for yourself when you need to. The advice is usually to try at least 6 meetings until you find one you really like. It can be a life-saver.
You've got lots of people here on SR who have been where you are, and can empathize and share their experience with you. Keep coming back, we're all here for you.
ShootingStar1
That's a really big signal - more than a red flag, it leans toward being a declaration of intent. Your safety comes first, and I'd say take this very seriously.
There are a series of stunning videos on You Tube about narcissism that people have been talking about here on Sober Recovery. Google "Sam Vaknin and narcsisissm" and you'll find them. Sam Vaknin is a narcissist, and he makes it clear that narcissists want to be in control no matter what it takes, and have no capacity to really care for anyone else.
Sober Recovery had quite a thread on narcissism within the past couple of months; you can find the thread with the search function at the top of the page on the blue ribbon.
From my own unfortunate experience, you might also want to google "Stockholm Syndrome" and "gaslighting"; they are other forms of abuse that it would be worth learning about as you get a handle on how he has been treating you.
Alanon is a 12 step program for friends and family of alcoholics; it is based on AA, but focuses on those of us who have been impacted by someone else's alcoholism. It can also help you learn to set boundaries that respect your needs, and learn to take care of yourself and stand up for yourself when you need to. The advice is usually to try at least 6 meetings until you find one you really like. It can be a life-saver.
You've got lots of people here on SR who have been where you are, and can empathize and share their experience with you. Keep coming back, we're all here for you.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I am so sorry this is happening to you.
Please take a moment to think about something. It is very easy to attribute all "bad"behavior to the alcohol and all "good" behavior to sobriety. I think this is a rationalization to put up with bad behavior because we say to ourselves its not them "its the alcohol". Not all is the alcohol. The controlling and violent behavior is who this man is. Perhaps intensified at times by drinking, but drinking or not people are who they are. To say your guy has anger issues really doesn't do justice in description.
A girlfriend of mine said the other day that the most unfortunate consequence of being raised by a controlling father is that you learn to become comfortable with fear instead of asserting yourself - never thought about that before - it certainly makes sense. I don't think its healthy in this kind of situation to spend much time analyzing childhood and why we act like we do - why they act like they do - its leads to further rationalization to stay because you owe it "I feel guilty" or you attributed to it "I am damaged myself and caused it". There is no magic pill for someone like your bf - to weed through all his many, many problems would take years of therapy - years and years and years getting sober would only be the first step.
I highly recommend you go to an al anon meeting. I went because I was encouraged to do so on here. Commit yourself to 6 meetings. The first meeting I didn't really get it. you will hear other's stories that are worse than yours - it was slightly puzzling to me. Then I got it - we were a group of people that were there to save ourselves not figure out the why's of our A's problems. I am figuring out my own now and how to stop my own co dependant behavior. A lifesaver!!!
Best of luck - keep writing on here it will help!
Please take a moment to think about something. It is very easy to attribute all "bad"behavior to the alcohol and all "good" behavior to sobriety. I think this is a rationalization to put up with bad behavior because we say to ourselves its not them "its the alcohol". Not all is the alcohol. The controlling and violent behavior is who this man is. Perhaps intensified at times by drinking, but drinking or not people are who they are. To say your guy has anger issues really doesn't do justice in description.
A girlfriend of mine said the other day that the most unfortunate consequence of being raised by a controlling father is that you learn to become comfortable with fear instead of asserting yourself - never thought about that before - it certainly makes sense. I don't think its healthy in this kind of situation to spend much time analyzing childhood and why we act like we do - why they act like they do - its leads to further rationalization to stay because you owe it "I feel guilty" or you attributed to it "I am damaged myself and caused it". There is no magic pill for someone like your bf - to weed through all his many, many problems would take years of therapy - years and years and years getting sober would only be the first step.
I highly recommend you go to an al anon meeting. I went because I was encouraged to do so on here. Commit yourself to 6 meetings. The first meeting I didn't really get it. you will hear other's stories that are worse than yours - it was slightly puzzling to me. Then I got it - we were a group of people that were there to save ourselves not figure out the why's of our A's problems. I am figuring out my own now and how to stop my own co dependant behavior. A lifesaver!!!
Best of luck - keep writing on here it will help!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi there,
You boyfriend has a lot of problems - I also went through the same dilemma of yeah sometimes he is wonderful to me but a lot of times he was a jerk, he would put me down constantly, belittle me, shame me, berate me for stupid things, was a total control freak about the way things were kept, he would drink a lot and deny that was causing him any problems, he would hide the booze from me, blame everything on me, lay guilt trips on me, insist I spend all my free time with his friends despite what every I wanted to do, constantly criticize, make me feel "less than", oh yeah he definitely fit the profile of a narcissist. To this day he insists that everything was due to "my problems" but my self-esteem is a lot better off now that I'm away from the relationship and in psychotherapy.
Anyway I thought the same thing as you did, if he ever got sober and got into treatment for his anger issues that things would have been okay. That never happened, and you cannot change who people are. What you see is what you get with this guy, and he sounds like a real menace to you.
You boyfriend has a lot of problems - I also went through the same dilemma of yeah sometimes he is wonderful to me but a lot of times he was a jerk, he would put me down constantly, belittle me, shame me, berate me for stupid things, was a total control freak about the way things were kept, he would drink a lot and deny that was causing him any problems, he would hide the booze from me, blame everything on me, lay guilt trips on me, insist I spend all my free time with his friends despite what every I wanted to do, constantly criticize, make me feel "less than", oh yeah he definitely fit the profile of a narcissist. To this day he insists that everything was due to "my problems" but my self-esteem is a lot better off now that I'm away from the relationship and in psychotherapy.
Anyway I thought the same thing as you did, if he ever got sober and got into treatment for his anger issues that things would have been okay. That never happened, and you cannot change who people are. What you see is what you get with this guy, and he sounds like a real menace to you.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Pierra,
You wrote
What does not help is that my parents - with whom I'm living - don't like to express an opinion on my relationships as I am an adult, so it is basically up to me to sort out my muddled feelings on such things. What they seem to be scared of is that if I later regret my decision, I will accuse them of trying to influence me. In actual fact, they have NEVER given me any emotional guidance regards relationships with boys/men, or taught me to be assertive
I identify with this... I just asked my mom yesterday if she can be HONEST with me and tell me the truth next time I introduce her to someone. I have felt very alone in these terms, having no guidance nor protection in this matter makes me feel very vulnerable.
You are placing yourself at physical risk and bigger emotional risk if you go back. You can find another job, he is not the only employer in the world. What else are you willing to risk? and what for? this man is violent. He might take your life. Who knows what this man is capable of?
I hope you can find therapy for yourself, go to Alanon, call the DV helpline, keep posting here- build your support system.
You deserve to enjoy a life free of violence.
You wrote
What does not help is that my parents - with whom I'm living - don't like to express an opinion on my relationships as I am an adult, so it is basically up to me to sort out my muddled feelings on such things. What they seem to be scared of is that if I later regret my decision, I will accuse them of trying to influence me. In actual fact, they have NEVER given me any emotional guidance regards relationships with boys/men, or taught me to be assertive
I identify with this... I just asked my mom yesterday if she can be HONEST with me and tell me the truth next time I introduce her to someone. I have felt very alone in these terms, having no guidance nor protection in this matter makes me feel very vulnerable.
You are placing yourself at physical risk and bigger emotional risk if you go back. You can find another job, he is not the only employer in the world. What else are you willing to risk? and what for? this man is violent. He might take your life. Who knows what this man is capable of?
I hope you can find therapy for yourself, go to Alanon, call the DV helpline, keep posting here- build your support system.
You deserve to enjoy a life free of violence.
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