PhDiva

As I sat with my therapist today I realized that I have no idea anymore how to separate alcoholic behaviour from everyday non-alcoholic/husband behaviour. If he is playful with the kids is that because he is drunk or just being a dad? If he sleeps in on Saturday, is that because he had a long week at work and was tired or because he is sleeping off the booze? If he stays up late playing video games is that because he is trying to find alone time to drink or because he just wanted to play video games? If I try and ask him about a particular behaviour then he acuses me of being over senstive to alcoholism. How can I detach from the alcoholic behaviour if I can't recognize everyday non-alcoholic behaviour? I feel like I am in constant detach mode.

choublak

Alcoholism is progressive so it will get to a point where his addiction controls everything he does.

Ms.TimmyV

If your husband is actively drinking, there really isn't any way to tell; I know my husband couldn't tell. I could tell that he was uncertain of my behavior, and that he didn't really know who he was dealing with. To be honest, I don't think there really is a way you can tell, with certainty, every single time.

My mother is an alcoholic, and it was hell trying to figure out who I was dealing with. My mother was pretty good at hiding it, especially since I hadn't lived with her towards the end of our relationship, but I would get so angry when I figured out she was drunk. Eventually, I had to end our relationship because the drinking and the behavior that goes along with it was too much for me to put up with. Not to mention by the time I figured out was going on, her behavior would change again. What a nightmare that was!

Anyway, the bottom line is there really isn't a way to tell. An alcoholic's/addict's behavior is volatile, and unless you're extremely hyper-vigilant (which is no way to live) there is no way to predict it or separate the two.

Learn2Live

What do you mean by detach from his behavior? What kind of detachment do you seek? Do you mean emotional detachment? Why do you have to evaluate his behavior to determine whether everything is "alcoholic" or not? So that you will know when it is OK for you to be irritated or pissed off at him??

PhDiva

Why? Because I would like the wisdom to know the difference. If I knew it was just everyday husband-like behaviour then I would know that I could interact and communicate with him and be really heard versus interacting with someone under the influence.

Tuffgirl

PhDiva, I am not sure any of us can answer your question without knowing your husband well. But what first comes to mind is if he is drinking heavily every day, he may be under the influence a lot. Like all the time.

What if you worked on ways to effectively interact and communicate with him in ways that worked for you, regardless of what he is doing or not doing?

CentralOhioDad

I totally understand where you're coming from with this question, 100%. If my Wife is being silly (which doesn't happen much anymore), and it's after 8:00 at night, I'm never sure if it's the alcohol or just her. If it's the alcohol, then I'm careful and don't interact much because the slightest thing could set her off and she becomes an emotional, raging monster.

So yes, PHD, I am constantly on-guard as well. Sucks the life out of you, doesn't it?

Florence

This was really the day-to-day misery for me. I couldn't tell what was real and what was my fantasy and wishful thinking, and I couldn't tell what was "him" and what was the booze. There were a lot of events that occurred while he was drinking and/or trying to cover up his drinking, but it was these smaller, continuous mindf***s that made living with him hell.

When it gets down to it, I can't see a life with him that doesn't involve that constant questioning of him, his behavior, and myself. Guard up, always ready to be disappointed, always WAY more disappointed than I ever expected I would be, getting down on myself for not lowering my expectations to a more reasonable plane.

He's been out of my house for about a month. I haven't filed for divorce yet, but I don't see any other options. Any outcomes here have got to be better for me and my kids than living in an environment where their two primary caretakers are miserable and tense, and one of them is secretive, silent, dishonest, and drunk.

keepingmyjoy1

When it came right down to it, it didn't really matter to me. I just flat out didn't like who he had become (or maybe really was when I took off the rose colored glasses). Just my two cents....

PhDiva

The AH picked up my daughter from the library last night, brought her home, scarfed down dinner and then said he had to go back to work. He came home around 9:30 and I was reading to the kids upstairs. When he didn't come up to say hello or good night to the kids I was suspicious but after just talking to my therapist thought I would give him the benefit of the doubt. So, I asked him how work went and as he slurred his response I knew my answer. Stupidly, I asked if he was drinking and he of course said no and then proceeded to tell me that I was "pathetic". I started to cry and he said "is that all you got for me tonight?" and I said yes.

This morning he admitted he had two beers on the way home but wasn't drunk. Oh, but had no memory of calling me pathetic or passing out on the floor in the family room.

Today he signs the lease for his apartment and I am so so sad that I failed our marriage.

Florence

Ah! The "only two beers" story. I used to hear that one all the time until I told him that I could tell the difference between beer and vodka on his breath. Then it was the "only two airplane bottles!" story.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. This is not your failure.

SparkleKitty

Please don't let him and his addiction convince you that failed anything. The marriage may not work out but it takes the combined effort of two conscious human beings to keep even the very BEST of marriages together, every single day. You did not fail because you could not single-handedly do that work. Be nicer to yourself than that.

Learn2Live

Oh, so you are looking for drunk behavior then, so that you know when to avoid him? I am trying to understand what you are asking. Or are you trying to evaluate how much of him is controlled by his disease of alcoholism so that you can see how far it has progressed?

A good gauge of how much he has had to drink is how you FEEL when he walks through the door, or when he speaks to you. And the way he smells. Or the way his face looks or how he acts. Use ALL SIX of your senses. Trust them.

If you want to see how far the disease may have progressed, in terms of daily life, Google Phases of Alcoholism. You will find a chart or illustration that will show you what they typically do in each stage. Predicting the physical disease such as liver damage is a little more difficult.

BlueSkies1

Phdiva,

Would you like to do a jigsaw puzzle blindfolded with half the pieces missing?

That is the equivalent of trying to figure out and analyze an active alcoholic.

When I lived with my XAH I found that he would give me tidbits of the truth and smidgeons of sanity, then as soon as I thought we were on solid footing he would pull the rug out from under me. I don't know how many times I fell for it...imagine yourself as Charlie brown while Lucy holds that football...she's not going to pull it away this time, right?
Kind of like this mad hatter quote--
“If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?”

Learn2Live

I'll add that it's like this but also with several set mousetraps on the table with the jigsaw pieces.

ODAT63

I think the serenity prayer is about YOU! the wisdom to know the difference if he is 'DRINKING OR NOT" is about him.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can NOt change (others and their actions), Courage to change the things I can (you and your reactions to others) and the Wisdom to know the difference (What is in my plate and what is on other's to leave alone).

This program works but it is a lot of work! sooooooo worth it!! very much so!

ShootingStar1

"Today he signs the lease for his apartment and I am so so sad that I failed our marriage."

Hey, PhDiva, these two phrases don't have anything to do with each other. YOU didn't fail your marriage; he's a drinker, and that's what he wants to do.

Have you thought about trying Alanon? It's for families and friends of alcoholics, and it helps so much in getting your thinking clear about what's yours to own, what's not yours to own, what's his to own. All stuff that will make you feel much much better and light a path to a better life for you. And keep coming here, we're here for you.

ShootingStar1

Titanic

At the beginning, one easily can make sanity out of separate ingredients. Then one struggles to make sanity out of them in the bowl. Once the A crosses the invisible line into alcoholism, the mixer quickly stirs them up. One can't make sanity out of insanity - particularly when the mixer operates on increasing speeds of deception, denial, distancing and diatribe.

You may feel like a failure (as most of us have), but feelings aren't facts. We aren't failures; we are fellows in foxholes. And we have to focus on what can help us survive & thrive. Al-Anon can help.