It's too late ...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I am so very sorry for your loss. We codie's like to take responsibility for everything.
"If" is a very dangerous game to play. "IF" I had left...."IF" I hadn't nagged...."IF" I hadn't complained. If you hadn't done those things your husband will still have been an alcoholic ad depressed. "IF" the things we did, be it positive reinforcement or negative reinforcement changed them they wouldn't be addicts would they? I can't say what was in your husband's head that morning - but I do not believe this was intentional. As the other poster stated generally when someone wants to kill themselves albeit a car accident they drive into a tree. My AH has made the same statement on several occasions, at first it freaked me out then I realized it was manipulation pure and simple.
I empathize with your grief - one day at a time. I hope you soon realize this wasn't your fault.
"If" is a very dangerous game to play. "IF" I had left...."IF" I hadn't nagged...."IF" I hadn't complained. If you hadn't done those things your husband will still have been an alcoholic ad depressed. "IF" the things we did, be it positive reinforcement or negative reinforcement changed them they wouldn't be addicts would they? I can't say what was in your husband's head that morning - but I do not believe this was intentional. As the other poster stated generally when someone wants to kill themselves albeit a car accident they drive into a tree. My AH has made the same statement on several occasions, at first it freaked me out then I realized it was manipulation pure and simple.
I empathize with your grief - one day at a time. I hope you soon realize this wasn't your fault.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Upsidedown,
I am going to tell you how irrational I was at one point. My then A was on a binge and I actually contemplated handcuffing him and locking him up in one of my horsetrailers to sober up so I could reason with him.
While I have the tools (car with cage, handcuffs, leg irons for my work) it still would have been kidnapping in a very legal sense no matter how noble my cause!
We think irrationally when we are in these crazy making relationships and I had to learn that I am not that powerful... and the only being that could help my now XA was his HP while I look to my own HP to help me become well in my own recovery.
Please release these thoughts of responsibility and guilt as ONLY the A has the ability to choose life as well as death. Our twisting ourselves into pretzels and walking on eggshells and trying to imagine how our words and actions may have altered outcomes is not logical nor productive.
What if you had become a model "alanon" or left him as you are now agonizingly second guessing? You cannot know... only your HP and his HP knows!
Maybe something worse would have happened sooner or he would have been in some accident and been left a paraplegic...or this could have happened or that could have happened!
No one is promised tomorrow. Not you, not I and not your A who tragically lost his life. Recovery was always within his grasp had he reached out for it. He chose not to and this was his choice alone. Your nagging had no bearing... none. Do not fool yourself as I used to there is NOTHING we can do either positive or negative to change the heart, mind and soul of an A bent on drinking!
Please find an alanon meeting if you do not have a home group... you will be amazed how healing it can be to share time with people who have been where you are.
Much love and hugs your way in this time of sorrow. Take care of you.
I am going to tell you how irrational I was at one point. My then A was on a binge and I actually contemplated handcuffing him and locking him up in one of my horsetrailers to sober up so I could reason with him.
While I have the tools (car with cage, handcuffs, leg irons for my work) it still would have been kidnapping in a very legal sense no matter how noble my cause!
We think irrationally when we are in these crazy making relationships and I had to learn that I am not that powerful... and the only being that could help my now XA was his HP while I look to my own HP to help me become well in my own recovery.
Please release these thoughts of responsibility and guilt as ONLY the A has the ability to choose life as well as death. Our twisting ourselves into pretzels and walking on eggshells and trying to imagine how our words and actions may have altered outcomes is not logical nor productive.
What if you had become a model "alanon" or left him as you are now agonizingly second guessing? You cannot know... only your HP and his HP knows!
Maybe something worse would have happened sooner or he would have been in some accident and been left a paraplegic...or this could have happened or that could have happened!
No one is promised tomorrow. Not you, not I and not your A who tragically lost his life. Recovery was always within his grasp had he reached out for it. He chose not to and this was his choice alone. Your nagging had no bearing... none. Do not fool yourself as I used to there is NOTHING we can do either positive or negative to change the heart, mind and soul of an A bent on drinking!
Please find an alanon meeting if you do not have a home group... you will be amazed how healing it can be to share time with people who have been where you are.
Much love and hugs your way in this time of sorrow. Take care of you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Hopeworks -wow very poignant story - reminds me of the country singer Lori Morgan who did tie her husband to herself at night to try keep him from drinking while she was sleeping. It didn't work.
Stories like yours and Upsidedown keep me in check as I still have moments of thinking I can stop AH.
Thanks for sharing.
Stories like yours and Upsidedown keep me in check as I still have moments of thinking I can stop AH.
Thanks for sharing.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: MA
Posts: 19
Upsidedown, I am so sorry for your loss. I can only agree with what the others have said....you did nothing to cause this and you could not have prevented it. My heart is aching for you right now. I'll keep you in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 13
I am so sorry for your loss.
My fiance's brother died just under a year ago - shot himself accidently while drunk (at 35 years old).
My fiance is now in a nursing home - end stage liver disease at 37.
I am sad - still not over his brother - us three were very close, and now losing my fiance.
I've struggled with whether....should I have left him...should I have stayed longer...and on and on.
But - I did not cause his brother's death or my fiance's disease.
You didn't cause the accident. Take care of yourself.
My fiance's brother died just under a year ago - shot himself accidently while drunk (at 35 years old).
My fiance is now in a nursing home - end stage liver disease at 37.
I am sad - still not over his brother - us three were very close, and now losing my fiance.
I've struggled with whether....should I have left him...should I have stayed longer...and on and on.
But - I did not cause his brother's death or my fiance's disease.
You didn't cause the accident. Take care of yourself.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Take extra special care of yourself during this difficult time.
Also, check out the Al-Anon book Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses. It deals with feelings of guilt over and loss of loved ones, our dreams and relationships when there's alcoholism, and also with how to heal. As we say in Al-Anon, feelings aren't facts.
My sympathies.
Also, check out the Al-Anon book Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses. It deals with feelings of guilt over and loss of loved ones, our dreams and relationships when there's alcoholism, and also with how to heal. As we say in Al-Anon, feelings aren't facts.
My sympathies.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
I'm so sorry to hear of this tragic accident. And I'm so sorry for your pain. I hope that you are able to find comfort in memories of happier times and from the love and support of your friends and family.
Hugs,
MamaKit
Hugs,
MamaKit
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Nj
Posts: 195
Sending a huge hug and thoughts your way! But please know this is not your fault. First of all you have no way of knowing whether he did this on accident or not. If he did it on purpose-then i feel very very sorry for the person who hit him and now has to live with the fact that someone died at their hands. I can tell you this-I was hit by someone two years ago and he flipped his car several times and died. the pain i dealt with from that was terrible, and i wasnt even the one to hit him.
Alcohol and depression go hand in hand. nothing you could have done could help him and you have no reason to blame yourself. you did all that you could, we all do...but our best is never going to be good enough because it is not our job to save them. even though some people may think it is, it is not-the only person that can save them is themselves.
Alcohol and depression go hand in hand. nothing you could have done could help him and you have no reason to blame yourself. you did all that you could, we all do...but our best is never going to be good enough because it is not our job to save them. even though some people may think it is, it is not-the only person that can save them is themselves.
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