rainiee

Okay, let me start this with: I am really angry right now...
And again, sorry for my millionth posts...

As you know if you've read my threads, AH & I talked Monday & had a loving evening, before he left asked me on a date the next day & would spend the night as "step one" to rebuild, stood me up & my only contact since has been to tell me he's lost his job & wont help with the bills he stuck me with...

So today has been the first day that I didn't hate mornings. No crying, very little sadness & just doing my thing. Kinda figured since he wouldn't talk to me that it was all a bunch of BS Monday & besides- I have been realizing, I don't want to work out my marriage as he's not a good person in my eyes after what he has done & I do deserve better.

Well... his sister caught me on chat. She finally got him to answer the phone last night & she tried to get through to him. Told him I loved him & what was he doing. He told her "If she wants a divorce I will give it to her." She let him know I didn't want one & he changed the subject.

I'm sorry but what a total pig & I am pissed off.

I'm glad I was bracing myself & starting to think rationally for the last few days but who does this?!?! (don't answer... an alcoholic...but I think he's also a bad person in his core aside from the drinking)

Thanks for letting me vent...

Thepatman

Don't know you much or you full story. Sounds like you have endured enough pain from this man. He will give you a divorce if you want one? I would take him to his words if I was you. Take it and run. Life is too short to waste on a person with values equivalent of a magget. Sorry, but that's what he sounds like.

AlcoholicLove

You should be mad at your SIL too..she had no right to tell him those things.
None of her business, and I'd probably tell her to butt out....

rainiee

Nope, not made at her at all (and that would be totally inappropriate feel that way towards her) & her heart is/was/always has been in the right place. She's just being a worried sister as she's seen this pattern from him too many times & he did have a good thing going for him... but the drinking has won again.
I had told her the other day that I didn't want a divorce & really- I'm not thinking long term right now anyhow. I am going slow as to hurry isn't healthy for me. Do I see us heading there, sure but in my state of mind I'm not making life decisions other than making my here & now the best it can be & tomorrow is another day.

Katiekate

More bull to come.

rainiee

LMBO, Katiekate! I can only imagine. Thanks for the laugh!

fourmaggie

this is what choatic looks like...

sister is only "trying" to help out?...hummm, i agree with the "butt" out thing

rainiee

values equivalent of a magget...
Oh my! I had to laugh at that too! I would never have worded it like that but it rings true.

Thanks guys... I'm way less angry now. Feels good to have somewhere to go with people who "get it".

fourmaggie

and "get it" we do.......

Talltrees

"If she wants a divorce I'll give it to her." How terrible. I'm sorry for the pain those words must have brought you. I'm not familiar with your story, so please forgive my misconceptions. Has your AH attempted sobriety? To me, it seems that if he does not wish to make an effort to salvage his marriage, it doesn't seem promising that he will completely committ to sobriety either. Isn't that what you need from him, for a relationship to survive?

HUGS to you. I wish you lots of sleep tonight. You will be in my thoughts.

rainiee

I wish you read the whole story but it's actually so ugly probably best you don't! No- he is currently on his way to rock bottom. In a nutshell from what I said above as far as timeline... he pulled his usual disappearing act after getting too drunk but this time instead of coming home after 1-7 days he found an AF who is his new sugar daddy (not gay- this AF is so messed up he buys friends (quoting him directly) has given my AH free rent as he's squatting somewhere he doesn't have permission to be (is it wrong I want to report them?? I wont though), a free car to drive, bought his cell service, gives him money & keeps him drunk. A fantasy come true!) & told me he wasn't coming back in an EMAIL on facebook... then the continuation is listed above...

So sobriety is not even an option for him right now & he's done this to others as I learned. Not the same way & never a wife but still. Patterns are patterns & I walked in to this naive (shame on me!). So no, I don't want him back unless he cleaned himself up, was clean for a time & really proved with actions he felt remorse & learned. Yeah, it will never happen & I am not even giving it any energy. Energy is for me now.

Titanic

You're doing all the right things rainiee. Impressive .

Learn2Live

Perhaps he is like my XA&ABF and has a character disorder in addition to his alcoholism!!

rainiee

LOL! Well I do know on top of the alcoholism he also suffers from some form of depression. I say "some form" as he was never honest with the therapist (shocker!) so they were never able to determine. They had him on prozac until he decided he didn't need therapy or the meds & while he was on it he did still drink but at least the disappearing acts stopped.

So...yeah- he's got some things to work out & I hope he does for his own sanity.

lizatola

Lol, we married long lost brothers! My AH was put on Paxil last year and went to 3 therapy sessions and then proclaimed that he was better! Yeah, he was never honest with the therapist either. He still takes the Paxil, as well as trazadone, but tells our marriage therapist they're for anxiety. He still hasn't told the therapist that he was diagnosed with depression!

You sound strong in your posts. Keep doing what you're doing and take care of yourself.

rainiee

Hmm... some moments I feel strong & others, not even close! Even in moments of weakness though I don't let myself lose focus on the fact I am a strong person & allow myself to feel sadness if that's how I feel. I know that my emotions are everywhere & it's okay to feel them all. All part of the process for me. At first all I felt was pain, regardless of the fact I have never succumbed to it as far as not handling my life. But as the days have gone by I have had many emotions instead of just the one and now I'm at a point where I can have a day without any tears & other days I can usually keep the pain emotion as an underlying emotion instead of a front runner. Geez, this is all so ugly & sad & it's too bad it's happening at all.

Lets see... what am I thankful for today... today I am thankful for my imagination & creativity.

lizatola

See, that's great that you can still look and find something to be grateful for!

My AH has said the same thing to one of his friends, "If she wants a divorce I'll give it to her." Actually, he also said, "I won't be the one to file. I won't be the bad guy. She's gonna have to take that first step, because I'm not going to be responsible for that." UGH! Talk about immaturity.

He told me while in marriage counseling that I've got the life: I get to live off his income, not have sex, and have a roof over my head. Well, it may seem easy when you put it that way, but there's no consideration given to the fact that I'm still HERE, he has every chance to make things right. We can work this out, if he wanted to put the work in. But, he doesn't and he's going to throw every bit of crap at me just to make sure I take his bait and take the blame. Hey, if I take the blame then he gets off scot free. UGH!

You are strong, girl. Believe me, anyone who lives with any kind of addiction or mental illness has to be. You have a gift, and it's the gift of recovery FOR YOU. Keep strong and keep at it. Write daily, and pray. And, as always, take it one day at a time!

rainiee

Hahaha, yeah... he totally is trying to push me away so that I will be the one to take action & he can have another thing to hate himself over. Except... hahaha, I'm too smart to play in to his game. Besides, he doesn't want a divorce. I look at this as a healthy stepping stone to get my crap together! So many of my friends over the last 2 years have commented on the fact I'm not the same happy & smiling gal I used to be. I stopped doing art, stopped seeing my friends...stop doing everything as I was trying to fix someone I loved. I also think he needed to have his journey to rock bottom. Whether he pulls himself up when he gets there is another story not yet written.

You know what?!? I feel really great today! I went & got a much needed haircut & it's so sassy. I just knew it would make me feel full of life & confidence.
Funny how something as silly as a haircut can improve one's mood.

I ran in to my apartment manager when I got home, she was in the lobby. She said I just missed my AH by minutes & was shocked we didn't run in to each other. She said he looked terrible. Dirty clothes, no spark in his eye, head hanging low...
I have lived here for 12 years so of course we are friends. She has been away on vacation so wasn't in the loop with everything else that happened, so I filled her in, had a good cry. She knows like I do that not only is he consumed with his addiction but his new AF is a big problem too. She told me to just keep my chin up, focus on me, keep him in my heart & know that this new friendship will eventually burn it's self out- which it will. Two alcoholics sitting in a tree... oh wait, that's not how the song goes!
But you know, with the new look, a good chat... I feel really happy & I haven't felt HAPPY in a long time. Will it last? Wow, I sure hope so but hey- it's a step in the right direction & I'll take it!
Sure- I hated hearing that he looked so bad but it was not a shocker. He looked so terrible when I saw him a week ago & since then he's kept drinking large amounts daily & lost his job. So yeah... no surprise.