Question- should he have told me?
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 137
Question- should he have told me?
My RAH came off Antabuse in the past couple of weeks- I am not sure when. My question relates to 'keeping to our side if the street' in our recovery- I feel that he should have discussed this with me, as he still lives with us . Am I being unreasonable? I haven't spoken about it with him as I feel it is pointless to cause an argument - but at the same time it irks me that he did not tell me. I feel stupid, and am trying hard to be so detached that I am losing sight of what is unreasonable behavior? My feeling that he should have told me, is this reasonable or is it creating an expectation? Oh sometimes i wish for an uncomplicated life....
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Let's turn it back around to you. What are you feeling? Are you feeling afraid? He's going to drink? Are you worrying about the drinker again?
I think there's a good possibility you are.
I also think there's a good possibility that he may fall off the wagon, afterall, something like 90% do.
So how about this...you mentally prepare yourself for him to fall off the wagon, as if he already has simply by stopping antabuse, and then IF he does, you won't have a shock to your system, and IF he doesn't...well won't it feel good to expect the worst and be surprised by the best outcome here?
That's where I think expectations have to be with an alcoholic. DON'T be surprised if they fall off the wagon, the surprise is if they stay sober.
Your original question? I have never found alcoholics to be great communicators until they are years into recovery.
I think there's a good possibility you are.
I also think there's a good possibility that he may fall off the wagon, afterall, something like 90% do.
So how about this...you mentally prepare yourself for him to fall off the wagon, as if he already has simply by stopping antabuse, and then IF he does, you won't have a shock to your system, and IF he doesn't...well won't it feel good to expect the worst and be surprised by the best outcome here?
That's where I think expectations have to be with an alcoholic. DON'T be surprised if they fall off the wagon, the surprise is if they stay sober.
Your original question? I have never found alcoholics to be great communicators until they are years into recovery.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Yes he should have told you, you are married, he is in recovery, you should be aware of the important developments.
But he is an alcoholic, they live by a different set of rules, they keep secrets, if he went off antabuse and is not in some kind of program, or therapy , or some kind of something to heal, it is most likely he is planning his next drink.
Take care of yourself, hope for the best, prepare for the worst, it's a life of up and down, re adjusting, you do however have the opportunity to become stronger and stronger no matter what he is doing.
It's hard to change the way you live, the way you think, while seemingly the life you know is falling down around you. Get strong, all on your own.
But he is an alcoholic, they live by a different set of rules, they keep secrets, if he went off antabuse and is not in some kind of program, or therapy , or some kind of something to heal, it is most likely he is planning his next drink.
Take care of yourself, hope for the best, prepare for the worst, it's a life of up and down, re adjusting, you do however have the opportunity to become stronger and stronger no matter what he is doing.
It's hard to change the way you live, the way you think, while seemingly the life you know is falling down around you. Get strong, all on your own.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 137
Thank you both for your replies - I have always appreciated your views on the forum- and I needed a dose of reality. What you both said makes perfect sense and is so true.
I am emotionally burnt out at the moment- with too much going on- and I was allowing it all to get on top of me.
I need to slow down, and build up my emotional strength again- I always liken it to repapering a crack in the wall- the crack will always be there but every extra layer helps keep the wall strong.
I am emotionally burnt out at the moment- with too much going on- and I was allowing it all to get on top of me.
I need to slow down, and build up my emotional strength again- I always liken it to repapering a crack in the wall- the crack will always be there but every extra layer helps keep the wall strong.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Loopydays, while I concur with the other posters, I would mention one more thing to you. Do you have any boundrys in place as to what you will or will not live with?
If not, maybe you could discuss your boundrys while he is SOBER. Remember, boundrys are for you--not him. If you do make a boundry, though, you absolutely must be prepared to enforce it---or they mean nothing.
My dear, you need support. Coming here is a good move, I think. Are you getting anything else?
Keep the faith. Recite serenity prayer.
dandylion
If not, maybe you could discuss your boundrys while he is SOBER. Remember, boundrys are for you--not him. If you do make a boundry, though, you absolutely must be prepared to enforce it---or they mean nothing.
My dear, you need support. Coming here is a good move, I think. Are you getting anything else?
Keep the faith. Recite serenity prayer.
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 137
Thank you for your kind words, Dandylion-
Boundaries and reasonable behaviors seem to be a problem concept for me- I know what I want, but to able to keep with them- I know in my heart I mean it when I say that I will not live with him actively drinking again-but just hope that it will not come to that in the near future( hAve one depressed son and due for surgery soon)
I have a good support system - friends, counselling And AlAnon- and normally can keep things together- just having a bad week- need to connect with my HP again.
Than you again for your support Nd thoughts- they too help !
Boundaries and reasonable behaviors seem to be a problem concept for me- I know what I want, but to able to keep with them- I know in my heart I mean it when I say that I will not live with him actively drinking again-but just hope that it will not come to that in the near future( hAve one depressed son and due for surgery soon)
I have a good support system - friends, counselling And AlAnon- and normally can keep things together- just having a bad week- need to connect with my HP again.
Than you again for your support Nd thoughts- they too help !
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