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Of course, because I'm co-Dependent

Old 10-27-2012, 06:17 AM
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Of course, because I'm co-Dependent

I keep saying that I can't talk to AH and it's so true. We had a conversation last night, which focused on my co-dependence. He told me that I needed to "get help" for this (which I acknowledge) and that I was not creating a good environment for him to recover. I know this, too.

So, why do I wake up this morning feeling so hurt and sad? And frustrated. I know that I have work to do and I'm doing it. I'm reading. I'm going to Al-Anon. But I just feel like it's almost being used against me - that once again, I'm the "broken" one in the relationship. I'm so turned around that I don't know if it's him or it's me. I don't know why I'm left feeling so guilty and like I have some defect. I don't seem to know how to think straight anymore.
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Old 10-27-2012, 06:55 AM
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Hi Graceland,

I think when we get involved with an A, we are 'a' broken one in the relationship but not 'the' broken one.

It isn't all your fault, and guilt is not going to do anything to help you get better

I hope things get a bit brighter for you very soon!
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Old 10-27-2012, 08:06 AM
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Dear Graceland, I used to torture myself so much with the criticisms that my A's heaped on my head. I cried so much and was so confused---because I knew, intellectually, that they weren't true---but, my heart felt wounded and rejected by my loved ones. It just didn't make "sense" to me!! The m ore I did and tried to love them---the m ore criticism I received.

Now it sounds almost too simple---But, I came here--and was introduced to the fabulous concept of "QUACKING". It was like the sky had opened up for me. At last, I had found the missing piece of the puzzle!!!

I learned that they were deflecting attention away from themselves onto me in order to keep me off balance and maintain their status quo. The more guilt and shame they felt--the more they put it off onto me. If they could focus on me, they did not have to accept responsibility for anything, themselves. It was their disease talking---not that I was inherently flawed and inadequate.

I learned the neat "trick" of picturing them with a large S on their foreheads when they started unfair criticism. The "S" stands for sick. I also pictured them as quacking like a duck when they were talking pure nonsense (that I knew wasn't true). I heard them talking like the teacher in Charlie Brown"--"Wha-Wha-Wha"---when they were talking trash.

What this did was prevent me from taking their unfair and ridiculous statements as a personal criticism. I stopped taking them seriously---and crying every time they tried to verbally attack me. My self-esteem started to improve in spades. I learned a lot more tools to protect myself, but QUACKERS helped to set me free.

I gotta tell you, it was actually funny---after two or three days of my not reacting to their stuff---you could actually see the confusion on their faces!!

If you want more info. on quacking--let me know.

sincerely, dandylion
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Old 10-27-2012, 08:48 AM
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Hi Graceland,

I would definitely agree with hydrogirl and dandylion. Try not to take the A's comments personally. He is ill. Yes, you are affected but this does not make you any less of a person.

A lot of ppl in the Al-Anon meetings express gratitude for recovery. Myself included. I am not thrilled about the way alcoholism has impacted my life, however, I am thrilled that recovery exists. I can heal and become a healthy person. What a relief.

It gets better. My sponsor tells me every single time we hang up.."go gently and know that you are loved.." I share this same message with you Graceland...

Go gently (stop beating up on yourself and feeling sick...embrace recovery) and know that you are loved (by every member in Al-Anon across the globe and the 90,000+ of us here on SR).



Love,

Lily
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Old 10-27-2012, 09:41 AM
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My ex was a master of guilt tripping and manipulation, every problem that happened in the relationship was my fault. Yes, you are part of the problem but there are two of you there and the way you are relating to each other is the problem, it sounds like.

Go to al-anon and get help for yourself if you need it but don't beat yourself up over it.
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Old 10-27-2012, 10:21 AM
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YOu are certainly welcome to claim yours, don't expect him to claim his.

Beating yourself up around any issues you may see that you have isn't so great, huh???

Have some compassion for yourself sweetie, it's time, wow, you get not to be perfect. YAY!

Big hug, it's okay!! Katie
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Old 10-27-2012, 11:17 AM
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I never realized how much quacking there was.

The reason was because I felt worse about myself then anything my A could throw at me.

When I started to get better and started to question what the A was throwing (or refusing to catch it) there was a huge shift in the relationship dynamics which were really confusing.

I started feeling better about myself, and though I still struggle with some of the emotions underneath I know that I will work through those two.

Hugs to you.
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Old 10-27-2012, 11:36 AM
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It never feels good when someone takes our inventory based on their own biases and stinkin thinkin. Next time, ask him to kindly stay on his side of the street. If he's in AA, he knows what that means.

Now stop feeling guilty for being a human being! ; )
~T
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Old 10-27-2012, 05:12 PM
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I suggest cutting off all contact with him. Invariably it will lead to pain. Did you think he'd changed? That you'd changed?
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Old 10-27-2012, 07:03 PM
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That's the thing... I can never cut off contact with him because we have small children together. So, I have to recover, myself, because like it or lump it, he's going to be in my life one way or another for the next 18 years.
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Old 10-27-2012, 07:17 PM
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Because he is manipulating you and making you the bad guy. That,s why you feel the way you do.







Originally Posted by Graceland View Post
I keep saying that I can't talk to AH and it's so true. We had a conversation last night, which focused on my co-dependence. He told me that I needed to "get help" for this (which I acknowledge) and that I was not creating a good environment for him to recover. I know this, too.

So, why do I wake up this morning feeling so hurt and sad? And frustrated. I know that I have work to do and I'm doing it. I'm reading. I'm going to Al-Anon. But I just feel like it's almost being used against me - that once again, I'm the "broken" one in the relationship. I'm so turned around that I don't know if it's him or it's me. I don't know why I'm left feeling so guilty and like I have some defect. I don't seem to know how to think straight anymore.
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Old 10-27-2012, 07:20 PM
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I eventually learned to take the quacking and use it for my growth. The more I grow and get well the less power they have over me.







Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Dear Graceland, I used to torture myself so much with the criticisms that my A's heaped on my head. I cried so much and was so confused---because I knew, intellectually, that they weren't true---but, my heart felt wounded and rejected by my loved ones. It just didn't make "sense" to me!! The m ore I did and tried to love them---the m ore criticism I received.

Now it sounds almost too simple---But, I came here--and was introduced to the fabulous concept of "QUACKING". It was like the sky had opened up for me. At last, I had found the missing piece of the puzzle!!!

I learned that they were deflecting attention away from themselves onto me in order to keep me off balance and maintain their status quo. The more guilt and shame they felt--the more they put it off onto me. If they could focus on me, they did not have to accept responsibility for anything, themselves. It was their disease talking---not that I was inherently flawed and inadequate.

I learned the neat "trick" of picturing them with a large S on their foreheads when they started unfair criticism. The "S" stands for sick. I also pictured them as quacking like a duck when they were talking pure nonsense (that I knew wasn't true). I heard them talking like the teacher in Charlie Brown"--"Wha-Wha-Wha"---when they were talking trash.

What this did was prevent me from taking their unfair and ridiculous statements as a personal criticism. I stopped taking them seriously---and crying every time they tried to verbally attack me. My self-esteem started to improve in spades. I learned a lot more tools to protect myself, but QUACKERS helped to set me free.

I gotta tell you, it was actually funny---after two or three days of my not reacting to their stuff---you could actually see the confusion on their faces!!

If you want more info. on quacking--let me know.

sincerely, dandylion
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Old 10-27-2012, 07:40 PM
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I was very codependent - still working on my recovery as well. I always had an unhealthy amount of guilt, took things way too seriously, and was very hypersensitive.

I think when my husband first started his recovery (I was only half heartedly doing mine), I think I was very bad for his. I had no idea how to stay on my side of the street and asked all kinds of silly questions.

Today, I don't even think about his. I only care about mine. What he or anyone else says does not define who I am. I have set many firm boundaries and he is really liking the healthier me.

We are from - living happily after after - but I am not.

Keep working on you and when it clicks, you will get real motivated. I promise. It took me a while to get there but I am so glad I did!!
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