cr995

I found this old email I had sent to my AH during a trial separation we had 7 years ago. Last week the problem in our marriage according to AH was not his drinking but my 'adultery'. I was amazed to gather from my email that 7 years ago the problem he felt in our marriage, was me giving too much attention to our kids.!
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Yes you can deduct money for when the kids stay with you - fine - then add
on to that maintenance which you are actually supposed to have being paying
for me all along. Remember - the unpaid maid looking after our
children. And then add to that our sons school fees which you have never
paid.

I don't have a contingency fund to kick in after basics have been met - I
can't even meet the basics. And that's what £350 pm you are allocating
yourself

£160 For Alcohol and cigarettes is something that needs cured . Its money
that is making you unhealthy , caused you to do and say awful things to me
and money that fills up your lungs with tar while it goes up the chimney.
That is now - what £500 a month . And it is not ok for this to come before
food by the way - it should tell you things are not ok.


And by the way I feel I have to say that it was your drinking that was a
large part of the problem in our marriage along with financial strain - not
me having power because of young children. It is attention I think that you
mean anyway not power. Children arrive and definitely take attention away
from their fathers it is very common and yes you would feel ignored but that
does not make it ok to do what you then did. You are not being honest with
yourself if this is the 'evil' you had to get away from.


When our son gets into a strop or bad mood I am reminded that we have a mini
version of you living here. But the most damage he does is blank
everyone for a day or so and hurt the feelings of those being blanked.

When you get into a strop

you blank me not for a day or so but week after week, month after month to
hurt me.
incur expenses for an entire additional household and add to our current
debt which was our millstone for so long.You added on £500 for additional
accomodation - coming to what £3000 over the last 6 months.
refuse to make the slightest effort at talking or getting any help and
always have refused for us to seek help. (Anyway What are you so afraid of.
I think if you have a problem then you seek help.
Marriage couselling for marital problems.
AA for those who have to drink every day.
And chiropodists for foot problems. When I was ill with depression I had to
seek help- not just for my sake but for the sake of those around me. It took
some time but I got there.)

I the one being blanked have to ask you to talk and you think its mature to
say 'motivate' me. Continuing your strop cos u can - creating an awful
atmosphere.
Even when I in the past had to apologise to you for things you had done you
would even still continue the strop and not accept the 'apology' . I so
often had to do this just to have a better atmosphere.

You then tell me you realise you are not giving me enough money but then go
on holiday with what money you have, come back and tell me you now think you
should be deducting from it and really should pay less. And now you are
going to look for an answer in taking us futher into debt and looking to your alcoholic friend as part of a solution.

All this so you can feel liberated. Things are going to get worse - not
better for all of us until you get out of your strop, stop blaming me for
everything. Look for some help in those areas where it is needed.

I do not think going to Dublin to sell your software and working for your alcoholic friend is a good
idea, nor is taking on a loan. So it must be 'other'. You have good saleable
skills that would give you a better chance at avoiding disaster.

I'm not going to sign this 'kindest regards' and I don't think you should
either. You haven't been kind to me for a very very long time .

And your latest stunt of going on holiday I took actually as the most pain I
have ever felt from you in 23 years. Very painful and humbling experience.
You would have been delighted if you could have seen me.

Its a bit like If I was in a restaurant trying to order a plate of chilps
and the waiter told me my card was declined. You would sit at the next table
with our kids - happily order your way through a 3-course meal and
simply say I'm not doing anything to you - I'm simply having a meal
with my children.

You found it amusing on the phone that I was hurt by this. Spoke to me in
the same tone on the phone from your Dads as you did to me the day I was in
Dublin when you you were being really cruel. And you enjoy doing this with
an audience

You need to be very careful what you say. Telling me to let go of my
children when one of them is only thirteen. And any kind of compromise I
try to make you start telling me 'my personality flaws are not your
problem'. And you are surprised I am not making parenting my priority.

I think you have been unrealistic for so long and have been pandered to by
me for so long you have become really unrealistic. There is nothing wrong with
my personality and I am a good person despite anything you might say. No
matter what our kids might ever say to me or how wound up they might
make me I would never never hit their heads against a concrete wall with
enough force for somebody to hear the noise in the other room. I would blame
myself and not them for my behaviour. And for this reason you should be the
one eating humble pie. Trying to make up for it not justifying it and then
decreasing your financial contribution.

If your moving out is your choice so you can feel liberated from not having
to have less attention because your wife has to share out her attention with
you and offspring , and you are now having this life you want then fine but
I do not accept that the household you have left should have to struggle on
£500 a month to include private school fees because of your choice.

You tell me to get a life. Yes thats what I was doing for the past 5 years
or did you not notice. I should start parenting the kids? ??? This coming
from the person who wanted a 'Thankyou' after doing it for 10 months WITH an
au pair.


In conclusion this is a financial mess getting worse and it won't improve
until you come out of your strop.

....But I know you won't .

Please do not reply therefore as I no longer wish to be continually rejected
and told to get out of your life.

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When I look over this I see how much I was fighting just to hang on to myself, my sanity. What a horrible horrible disease alcoholism is. And for those of us who have lived through all this and are still standing - a big well done!!