Confused about detaching and letting go!
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Confused about detaching and letting go!
I dated my AXBF on and off for 7 years. It is safe to assume that the 'off' times where due to his inability to be honest, not coming home, staying up all night, taking money, making empty promises...the list goes on. Despite these issues this was a person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. He didn't drink everyday but when he did he also did cocaine and he really didn't know when to stop. He loved being the center of attention and loved being the guy that everyone knew.
After our first year of dating things slowly started to fall apart and he was fired from his job and lost our apartment. I thought he had hit rock bottom when he decided to go to rehab (for the second time). He went to an intense private inpatient facility and ended up staying for 7 months. Throughout that time we kept in contact everyday and I would visit him monthly. I worked closely with the family counselor there and educated myself on addiction in every way possible. He had never been more attentive healthy, sweet and just all around great. It was at that time that I learned what it meant to be codependent!
Long story short he moved back to our home town and we moved in together right away. He stayed sober for a over 18 months. Then he relapsed....I thought my life was going to fall apart. The next 4 years were spent in a back and forth battle of him saying he wanted to stay clean (mostly when he was hungover) and a week later falling off the wagon. Sometimes he admits he has a problem and other times he tells me that he can control it. I would threaten to leave him if he drank so eventually I became his enemy and he felt he had no choice but to lie to me.
Two and a half years ago I told him enough was enough! I started casually dating and ended up really caring for someone else. When he found out he was very upset to say the least. I found myself having to lie to him partially because I didn't want to lose him forever and partially because I was scared and confused. Because I was sending him mixed messages he ended up in fits of rage (not physically to me) which ended up in me filing 3 separate police reports.
HERE IS THE KICKER....I am now 30 and engaged to the person that I started dating two and a half years ago but still find it so hard to let go. I have had contact with the AXBF throughout that time up until recently and I feel that I have been living in secrecy with these feelings and its literally tearing me up. My fiance is an amazingly caring person that I trust and can depend on but a part of me still feels that I love the AXBF. Of course there are good things about him as well but I am trying my best not to write a novel here. The contact that I have had with the AXBF has not been that frequent and it has mostly been via text or phone. The hardest part is that he has tried to get me back since the day he lost me. He has a good job now but I know he is not sober. I do think that he has calmed down a bit as he is getting older but I don't know if that is good enough. I have no doubt that we loved each other in a 'soul mate' type of way but obviously the rational side of me will not let go of my fiance now to go back to the AXBF because he is not sober.
The hardest part is that I got to see and be with him sober for almost two years and it was wonderful. I struggle now with doing whats best for me instead of what my codependent heart tells me. The other thing is that I do not miss him all the time and I do love my fiance. I spend so much time making lists and taking mental inventory of both men and still have not settled the issue witin myself. I feel like I may be in love with two people and don't really know how to deal.
I am new here so any feedback would be greatly appreciated!
After our first year of dating things slowly started to fall apart and he was fired from his job and lost our apartment. I thought he had hit rock bottom when he decided to go to rehab (for the second time). He went to an intense private inpatient facility and ended up staying for 7 months. Throughout that time we kept in contact everyday and I would visit him monthly. I worked closely with the family counselor there and educated myself on addiction in every way possible. He had never been more attentive healthy, sweet and just all around great. It was at that time that I learned what it meant to be codependent!
Long story short he moved back to our home town and we moved in together right away. He stayed sober for a over 18 months. Then he relapsed....I thought my life was going to fall apart. The next 4 years were spent in a back and forth battle of him saying he wanted to stay clean (mostly when he was hungover) and a week later falling off the wagon. Sometimes he admits he has a problem and other times he tells me that he can control it. I would threaten to leave him if he drank so eventually I became his enemy and he felt he had no choice but to lie to me.
Two and a half years ago I told him enough was enough! I started casually dating and ended up really caring for someone else. When he found out he was very upset to say the least. I found myself having to lie to him partially because I didn't want to lose him forever and partially because I was scared and confused. Because I was sending him mixed messages he ended up in fits of rage (not physically to me) which ended up in me filing 3 separate police reports.
HERE IS THE KICKER....I am now 30 and engaged to the person that I started dating two and a half years ago but still find it so hard to let go. I have had contact with the AXBF throughout that time up until recently and I feel that I have been living in secrecy with these feelings and its literally tearing me up. My fiance is an amazingly caring person that I trust and can depend on but a part of me still feels that I love the AXBF. Of course there are good things about him as well but I am trying my best not to write a novel here. The contact that I have had with the AXBF has not been that frequent and it has mostly been via text or phone. The hardest part is that he has tried to get me back since the day he lost me. He has a good job now but I know he is not sober. I do think that he has calmed down a bit as he is getting older but I don't know if that is good enough. I have no doubt that we loved each other in a 'soul mate' type of way but obviously the rational side of me will not let go of my fiance now to go back to the AXBF because he is not sober.
The hardest part is that I got to see and be with him sober for almost two years and it was wonderful. I struggle now with doing whats best for me instead of what my codependent heart tells me. The other thing is that I do not miss him all the time and I do love my fiance. I spend so much time making lists and taking mental inventory of both men and still have not settled the issue witin myself. I feel like I may be in love with two people and don't really know how to deal.
I am new here so any feedback would be greatly appreciated!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Hi Heartbroken, and welcome. This is a great place to come to you if you are confused, and it sounds like you are. I'm glad you're here, but sorry you're hurting.
You say "I feel like I may be in love with two people and don't really know how to deal," but what I read is that you say you are in love with your fiance, and also in love with the memory of who your XABF was back when he was sober.
Only one of those men exists.
We codies tend to romanticize the significant others we miss (even if we don't miss them all the time). It must be incredibly hard for a real person to compare to the idealized image of the person beneath the addiction.
I am wishing you strength and courage to make the hard decisions as you work your way through this conundrum.
You say "I feel like I may be in love with two people and don't really know how to deal," but what I read is that you say you are in love with your fiance, and also in love with the memory of who your XABF was back when he was sober.
Only one of those men exists.
We codies tend to romanticize the significant others we miss (even if we don't miss them all the time). It must be incredibly hard for a real person to compare to the idealized image of the person beneath the addiction.
I am wishing you strength and courage to make the hard decisions as you work your way through this conundrum.
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Thank you sparklekitty! Your words are very encouraging and very true. I think what I get tripped up on is the fact that the AXBF, up until very recently, so passionate about getting me back. I felt the emotion in him every time and I do believe he loves me.
The love I have for the AXBF felt so much more intense. I know rationally that it was probably the addict/codependent relationship and much of the time was spent on ragging at each other and then making up however, it is hard to convince my heart to be rational. I hate to bring up the childhood card but both the ex and I come from broken homes so I feel we used each other as a crutch. My fiance comes from a very loving family and everything with him is so easy that it almost feels wrong, when in fact I know that it is just different and different for me needed to happen. I used to pray for someone like him and wish that my ex would have acted like him. The fact that I am codependent and started dating my now fiance almost immediately after leaving the ex, the change was almost too much too fast. I am much better today then I was a year ago but my heart still misses the AXBF.
I guess I am wondering how long it should take before those feelings disappear. Throughout the past few years I would tell myself, "time heels all and this to shall pass," but it hasn't!! The fact that it hasn't is another reason why I keep questioning myself
The love I have for the AXBF felt so much more intense. I know rationally that it was probably the addict/codependent relationship and much of the time was spent on ragging at each other and then making up however, it is hard to convince my heart to be rational. I hate to bring up the childhood card but both the ex and I come from broken homes so I feel we used each other as a crutch. My fiance comes from a very loving family and everything with him is so easy that it almost feels wrong, when in fact I know that it is just different and different for me needed to happen. I used to pray for someone like him and wish that my ex would have acted like him. The fact that I am codependent and started dating my now fiance almost immediately after leaving the ex, the change was almost too much too fast. I am much better today then I was a year ago but my heart still misses the AXBF.
I guess I am wondering how long it should take before those feelings disappear. Throughout the past few years I would tell myself, "time heels all and this to shall pass," but it hasn't!! The fact that it hasn't is another reason why I keep questioning myself
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Scary! I know my weakness resides in change. You are also not the first person to suggest that, which makes me think! The irony is that I was raised by a father who is a psychologist and remains surprisingly neutral to my situation. I have talked to him, a third party therapist, friends (to an extent) and read threads on here and still find that removing myself from my current relationship seems too difficult because he is the type of person I have always envisioned having, he is safe.
I have always wanted children and a stable family and that is something I know I will get with my fiance. It's really sad to admit but part of me has had the mindset that I was waiting for one of the two of these men to do something drastic that would sway my decision in a favorable direction. That way (naturally) I wouldn't have to make the decision. At first I would have thoughts, "if only my AXBF had my fiances personality everything would be great.' The psychological part of brain knows that this is simply an insecurity and pressure that I put on myself with all the 'what if's.'
I always just wished and prayed that the ex would get sober and everything would be fine. I guess I could wait forever for that to happen. I think that was the mentally I had when I first got into the relationship with my now fiance so I really didn't give my whole heart to him at first. I do love him know and we are building a great life together.
I wish someone could just tell me what the right decision is or make the decision for me
I have always wanted children and a stable family and that is something I know I will get with my fiance. It's really sad to admit but part of me has had the mindset that I was waiting for one of the two of these men to do something drastic that would sway my decision in a favorable direction. That way (naturally) I wouldn't have to make the decision. At first I would have thoughts, "if only my AXBF had my fiances personality everything would be great.' The psychological part of brain knows that this is simply an insecurity and pressure that I put on myself with all the 'what if's.'
I always just wished and prayed that the ex would get sober and everything would be fine. I guess I could wait forever for that to happen. I think that was the mentally I had when I first got into the relationship with my now fiance so I really didn't give my whole heart to him at first. I do love him know and we are building a great life together.
I wish someone could just tell me what the right decision is or make the decision for me
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I also wanted to get feedback or thoughts on what the chances are that A's can really change or control their addiction on their own? It just seems that from what my AXBF is saying that things may actually be a lot better now.
As I said before I do love my fiance but I am confused at what real feelings are verse playing it safe. My fiance is pretty similar to my high school sweet heart in that they are very dismissive and aim to please. My AXBF was much more independent and had major ego issues but both men love me unconditionally. I am not trying to use that as a bragging right, in fact I would not wish this confusion on my worst enemy. Bottom line I am indecisive!
As I said before I do love my fiance but I am confused at what real feelings are verse playing it safe. My fiance is pretty similar to my high school sweet heart in that they are very dismissive and aim to please. My AXBF was much more independent and had major ego issues but both men love me unconditionally. I am not trying to use that as a bragging right, in fact I would not wish this confusion on my worst enemy. Bottom line I am indecisive!
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Originally Posted by Heartbroken81 
I wish someone could just tell me what the right decision is or make the decision for me
After my divorce, I spent three years by myself. It was scarier than anything I had ever imagined. I had been in relationships for almost 12 years straight, and I had never lived on my own. The first year was all about proving I could actually do it -- pay my mortgage, feed myself, not live in squalor, take care of my dog, still have a life in the arts where my soul lives. Years two and three, though...that's where the magic happened. That's when I wrote a novel, made new friends, strengthened old friendships, and learned to love myself. Without that scary time spent on my own, I never would have been ready when my current husband came into my life. He was WAY worth the wait.
Now, I should say that I had a great therapist through that entire time who helped me through that journey. And marvelous friends who provided great mirrors through which to see myself anew.
I'm not saying you have to do this, or you have to do that. But I will recommend not letting others make your choices for you because its easier. Eventually, the truth of what you actually want will come out, and you'll still have to deal with it then.
I really sympathize with your situation. I guess I am just saying, Take your time! You don't have a deadline to figure everything out!
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I remember having this difficulty when I was in my early 20's. Two men wanted me to marry them at the same time. I couldn't figure out which to marry.
I thought the problem was deciding between the two of them.
25 years later, I can tell you that I was asking myself the wrong question. I was looking at the entire situation from the wrong angle.
When, and you will, have a time in your life that you will KNOW WILL ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY that someone is the person you want to marry.
Anything short of that emotion, is cheating yourself and your partner.
I married the safe one...and then years later I divorced him. I didn't need "safe" anymore. I wanted to break out into the world unafraid. I also no longer felt it was "time" to get married, like there is some rule...25 and you're an old hag, right? Or is that 30 these days?
I don't think your life question is about WHICH man to marry, or be with. I think the answer here is: You don't feel extremely compelled to marry either one of them right now, you simply think you need to get married to somebody, so you think the problem is deciding between those two, when really...neither one rocks your world the way somebody else will down the line if you wait until that person comes along.
This life difficulty has nothing to do with that one of them is safe and one of them is a drinker.
This has everything to do with YOU...and only you...and waiting until that day when you get to know a man and KNOW WITH ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY...this is THE ONE!
I thought the problem was deciding between the two of them.
25 years later, I can tell you that I was asking myself the wrong question. I was looking at the entire situation from the wrong angle.
When, and you will, have a time in your life that you will KNOW WILL ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY that someone is the person you want to marry.
Anything short of that emotion, is cheating yourself and your partner.
I married the safe one...and then years later I divorced him. I didn't need "safe" anymore. I wanted to break out into the world unafraid. I also no longer felt it was "time" to get married, like there is some rule...25 and you're an old hag, right? Or is that 30 these days?
I don't think your life question is about WHICH man to marry, or be with. I think the answer here is: You don't feel extremely compelled to marry either one of them right now, you simply think you need to get married to somebody, so you think the problem is deciding between those two, when really...neither one rocks your world the way somebody else will down the line if you wait until that person comes along.
This life difficulty has nothing to do with that one of them is safe and one of them is a drinker.
This has everything to do with YOU...and only you...and waiting until that day when you get to know a man and KNOW WITH ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY...this is THE ONE!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Sometimes, like in my case, a person has to make the conscious choice to love a person from a distance. I will always love my AH. We are separated. That is how it has to be. And wherever the future road leads, I have to love me first and do what is needed for me (and my son). My loving him from a distance is the best thing that I can do for me, my feelings and for him. Sometimes letting go of the A is the best thing to do. But that doesn't mean that a person has to hate them. We can have compassion and even love for the A, but still move on in life if that is what is best.
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Thanks madeofglass!
Facing these issues head on is hard. I have serious issues with my self esteem which doesn't help either. I think you are right about the age issue and the pressure that young woman put on themselves. I am 30 now and do want to have children soon.
Up until recently I would mask these emotions and put on a front that I had my s**t together. I was always popular, always had a job, was the girl everyone came to for the answers and these days I just don't hide it anymore. Showing vulnerability is rather new for me so this journey has been an emotional one.
But as Sparklekitty mentioned I do believe that part of what I am experiencing is the residual fantasy of my ex. Ever since I started this thread I have been doing some deep and logical soul searching and realized how lucky I am to have my fiance. Since I lack confidence and have a hard time letting go I am not sure that I would be 100% convinced that anybody would be right for me. It has been a pattern for me to pretty much question every decision I have ever made so until I start some serious self help again that is where I am!!
I am working on it though
Facing these issues head on is hard. I have serious issues with my self esteem which doesn't help either. I think you are right about the age issue and the pressure that young woman put on themselves. I am 30 now and do want to have children soon.
Up until recently I would mask these emotions and put on a front that I had my s**t together. I was always popular, always had a job, was the girl everyone came to for the answers and these days I just don't hide it anymore. Showing vulnerability is rather new for me so this journey has been an emotional one.
But as Sparklekitty mentioned I do believe that part of what I am experiencing is the residual fantasy of my ex. Ever since I started this thread I have been doing some deep and logical soul searching and realized how lucky I am to have my fiance. Since I lack confidence and have a hard time letting go I am not sure that I would be 100% convinced that anybody would be right for me. It has been a pattern for me to pretty much question every decision I have ever made so until I start some serious self help again that is where I am!!
I am working on it though
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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I am in a situation almost like yours, divorced for now 2 years to my 17 years marraige to an A, my fiance is so much "different" than my AXH, but what my therapist told me seems to hold truth!.
I invested so much in the relationship with my A that it was intense (sick, obsessed), with my normal fiance there is no obsession, so I confused the "obsession" with love. Then I need to remember that you can not love another until you love yourself.
I will always love my AXH in a very special way, but never again (God's will), will confuse madness with real love.
Good luck to you and take your time, you will know when you are ready!
I invested so much in the relationship with my A that it was intense (sick, obsessed), with my normal fiance there is no obsession, so I confused the "obsession" with love. Then I need to remember that you can not love another until you love yourself.
I will always love my AXH in a very special way, but never again (God's will), will confuse madness with real love.
Good luck to you and take your time, you will know when you are ready!
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Wow alot to think about! I found that I was in love with the fantasy. It wasn't really real. I thought about how nice it would be if........SO MUCH that I couldn't decifer reality from fantasy.
Often times in my life with my AXBF I too felt very similar feelings.
So much of your post resonated with me tonight.
Goodluck and keep posting!
Often times in my life with my AXBF I too felt very similar feelings.
So much of your post resonated with me tonight.
Goodluck and keep posting!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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just my .02 cents worth.......
When I hear "I am in love with BOTH of them" (and I have heard this from my youngest daughter)
My response to her was simply, "NO you are not." And there is a probability that you are not in love with either of them.....
Think about it, you would not have left #1 for #2 if everything was perfect. Now, with #2 you are looking back at #1. So something is missing in the relationship with #2 if you are looking back at #1 ?
IMHO, the best thing you can do is take a step back and work on yourself, sometimes indecision, and doubt.... is its own answer.
Tune in to your inner voice, It maybe trying to tell you something...
As far as the XA, nothing has changed........ he is still drinking....... Personally, I would stay away from that fire, it burns EVERY time.
When I hear "I am in love with BOTH of them" (and I have heard this from my youngest daughter)
My response to her was simply, "NO you are not." And there is a probability that you are not in love with either of them.....
Think about it, you would not have left #1 for #2 if everything was perfect. Now, with #2 you are looking back at #1. So something is missing in the relationship with #2 if you are looking back at #1 ?
IMHO, the best thing you can do is take a step back and work on yourself, sometimes indecision, and doubt.... is its own answer.
Tune in to your inner voice, It maybe trying to tell you something...
As far as the XA, nothing has changed........ he is still drinking....... Personally, I would stay away from that fire, it burns EVERY time.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Spend some time on You! All of the rest can wait. Can you get yourself to a counselor or therapist to help you work through this?
The hardest part is that he has tried to get me back since the day he lost me. << This is the fuel feeding the yearning for the fantasy.
The hardest part is that I got to see and be with him sober for almost two years and it was wonderful. << This is the fantasy - temporary, fading (as the disease progresses) and in the past.
The hardest part is that I got to see and be with him sober for almost two years and it was wonderful. << This is the fantasy - temporary, fading (as the disease progresses) and in the past.
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Thank you all so much for the kind words. My self esteem (like I have mentioned) has been kind of low and it literally almost brings me to tears to see what a supportive community sr is.
I think a bit of all your answers bear some truth. I am unsure both of myself and of the men in my life. I know I have work to do on myself and for a long time I did just that. It is when things are good that I kind of stop recovery and as time goes by my emotional cycle starts up again.
I agree with you ODAT63 I did obsess. I gave him everything and this time with my fiance we take of each other. It is nice and amazing that there are actually men like him left out there.
I'm kind of all over the place but I actually came on here tonight to say that my axbf contacted me tonihgt (we have been no contact for about two months). He text me that he loves me (again), can't live without me and asked me to go to go out with him and his MUCH well to do bosses tomorrow evening to celebrate some big deal he just made. He has wanted me to meet his bosses (husband and wife team) for a while now but he actually has the nerve to involve me in is drinking affairs. Part of me (the sick part) feels like 'oh that was so nice of him to think of me' and the rational part says 'am I kidding, how dare he ask me to associate myself with him when he drinks.' I don't know if it's the narcissistic mentally that he really doesn't get it or if it is that he is trying to prove that he 'really' can control his drinking. Either way the real bottom line is that I am engaged and obviously obsessing over the ex. The more I read and write on here the more I am coming to terms that this is my 'disease' and I need to be back in active recover!!
Just for kicks has anyone actually been able to be with an A that maybe at one point was in active recovery, then relapsed and now says they can control their drinking? I think because he has tried so hard to get me back for two years a part of me wants to believe that it is possible. On that note I also feel that me being able to move on would have easier if A) I had given myself time in between the ex and my now fiance and B) if my ex didn't constantly do everything in his power to profess his love to me trying to get me back....I mean that would trip anybody up a little (especially a code) right?
-D
I think a bit of all your answers bear some truth. I am unsure both of myself and of the men in my life. I know I have work to do on myself and for a long time I did just that. It is when things are good that I kind of stop recovery and as time goes by my emotional cycle starts up again.
I agree with you ODAT63 I did obsess. I gave him everything and this time with my fiance we take of each other. It is nice and amazing that there are actually men like him left out there.
I'm kind of all over the place but I actually came on here tonight to say that my axbf contacted me tonihgt (we have been no contact for about two months). He text me that he loves me (again), can't live without me and asked me to go to go out with him and his MUCH well to do bosses tomorrow evening to celebrate some big deal he just made. He has wanted me to meet his bosses (husband and wife team) for a while now but he actually has the nerve to involve me in is drinking affairs. Part of me (the sick part) feels like 'oh that was so nice of him to think of me' and the rational part says 'am I kidding, how dare he ask me to associate myself with him when he drinks.' I don't know if it's the narcissistic mentally that he really doesn't get it or if it is that he is trying to prove that he 'really' can control his drinking. Either way the real bottom line is that I am engaged and obviously obsessing over the ex. The more I read and write on here the more I am coming to terms that this is my 'disease' and I need to be back in active recover!!
Just for kicks has anyone actually been able to be with an A that maybe at one point was in active recovery, then relapsed and now says they can control their drinking? I think because he has tried so hard to get me back for two years a part of me wants to believe that it is possible. On that note I also feel that me being able to move on would have easier if A) I had given myself time in between the ex and my now fiance and B) if my ex didn't constantly do everything in his power to profess his love to me trying to get me back....I mean that would trip anybody up a little (especially a code) right?
-D
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"Just for kicks has anyone actually been able to be with an A that maybe at one point was in active recovery, then relapsed and now says they can control their drinking?"
(Heartbroken)
NO, NO, NO !!!!!! NEVER, that CANNOT EVER be possible.
"Either way the real bottom line is that I am engaged and obviously obsessing over the ex." (Heartbroken81)
^^^^^^ If your closest best friend or sister shared this with you, what would be your first thought???
(Heartbroken)
NO, NO, NO !!!!!! NEVER, that CANNOT EVER be possible.
"Either way the real bottom line is that I am engaged and obviously obsessing over the ex." (Heartbroken81)
^^^^^^ If your closest best friend or sister shared this with you, what would be your first thought???
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Remember when you take your marriage vows the part about' forsaking all others'. If you don't take that seriously you will have hurt and struggle at some point when you could have had peace and security.
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