ZiggyB

Ugh. Seriously.

I was in a wistful mood last night and decided to write an email to axbf since I have seen him around my workplace, I figured we might run into each other and I wanted to bury the hatchet.

I wrote the most heartfelt note I could outlining my feelings and he is still angry at ME and holding a grudge over something I said to him while we were having a heated argument. This is the guy who had practically beaten me down with verbal abuse and yet I'm still the bad guy.

He acknowledged that we should be civil with each other since he does, in fact, work right across the street from me now. How wonderful - perhaps I should start looking for a new job. Of course he couldn't resist throwing in some sarcastic barb along with his cold, bitter acknowledgment. It sounds like he would be happy if I was drowning in pain and I tried so many times to help him when he was feeling down.

Anyway... whatever. It was a dumb thing to do on my part but just confirms my feelings that he is unable to deal with me unless it involves insults, put-downs or one-upmanship. Why I suffered through it for so long is a complete mystery to me now.

lovesunandsnow

Wow - I feel for you. My ex-alcholic things I'm the bad guy. I paid for rent, insurance, well you name it when it came to money I did it all for what reason? I'm still not sure. He will not talk to me which I guess is a blessing but yet I have things to talk to him about like why? I now know I will never get an answer out of a sick person but I have tried to much. I feel for you, I moved from the city we both lived in to another state to go home and rebuild my life. Today I was in the why did I move, I miss him, why, why, why then I got on here and remembered why I left and will never return to those days of abuse. Verbal is a hard one to overcome but I think all abuse is hard to deal with but I hear him in my head somedays. I wish you the best and at least you have answered your own question.

ZiggyB

Yeah, I am in therapy trying to overcome all the things he said to me because his stinking criticism is in MY head all of the time. I still think he is a person with some serious issues and it is a major bummer that he is so close by now.

itsmylifenow

Zig,

Don't be too hard on yourself. Hope that in the future when you have another wistful moment you'll remember what that did for you. I have to go through a vigorous step by step reminder of what it was like every time I let xabf back in or communicated with him.

Remember too, that they hear what they want to. No matter how lovely and heartfelt your letter was, he heard none of it. He twisted it all around to make everything your fault, complete with sarcasm.

((Huggs))

Lynnrae2

Stay strong Ziggy!!!!! Him being close again can trigger old feelings. Dont get sucked back in. Everytime you start to feel something, keep reminding yourself of all the hateful and abusive things he has done to you. You deserve better!!!!

4MyBoys

Ziggy,

It was very nice of you to reach out to him. Unfortunately when you break up with someone it sometimes it becomes impossible to stay friends. When I look back on my relationships prior to being married, I was never able to stay friends with that person. Too much water under the bridge. May not even be drinking related but feels like it because they inflict such lasting effects on us.

4MyBoys

ZiggyB

Thanks for the words of wisdom everyone. It's hard to believe that someone who hurt me so badly is still angry with me, but it makes sense given that his stance has always been he is a charming, wonderful person and I am a giant piece of crap who never did anything right. :-P

moving on....

SparkleKitty

I imagine that the more heartfelt and honest you are, the more his suppressed guilt is triggered and he feels like he has to push all the pain off onto you. He is not ready to own to up his actions. If he admits he was hurtful you, he has to admit his life is not working the way he thinks it is working. It is sad, but maybe there is some comfort in understanding how little it has to do with you personally. I dunno. I hope you feel better soon.

NYCDoglvr

I've been there until I couldn't stand the pain one more minute. What helped is looking at all the evidence that he cared nothing for me, only himself.

Cyranoak

...the real reason you contacted him? Because I don't believe you are being truthful about why you did, and I don't believe doing so was good for you. The only thing worse than the lies others tell us is the lies we tell ourselves.



C-

ZiggyB

lol - always the cynic, aren't you? I only wanted to try and make things civil, so if I ran into him I wouldn't have to worry about him screaming at me or doing something weird. I agree it wasn't so good for me though, and I shouldn't have bothered, which is why I posted here. There's no need to be rub sand in my eyes.

rainiee

lol, my instant thought reading your post was "Heck, at least she gets an answer...". I have written very heart felt notes to my AH and my response from him is always the sound of crickets. It hurts a lot but I think I'm getting off lucky if I think about it. If he was at all mean or blaming I would be crushed.
I'm so sorry you got that response & like you, I'm learning that reaching out is just salt in the wound & serves no purpose. Besides, I have already clearly communicated myself to him & I am not a broken record. Why keep torturing myself?!?

It makes me feel a little better knowing that his VERY concerned family who is 3000 miles away can't reach him either. I wish they could as someone needs to but it helps me to realize it's not me, it's him & his demon(s).

Lynnrae2

Why do we reach out to them? I have asked myself that many of times.

At first, it was because I was truely inlove with him.....so as a normal person would do, you let the significant other know your feelings. I would get a very small response back and now looking back at it....it was usually about my feelings....it was never about his. He would reply back with that was nice or thanks for the letter. He never really reciprocated his feelings. He would always reply with what I call an open ended answer so that I could take from it what I wanted.

Then, my reaching out turned into me trying to let him know how deeply he hurt me.....I would get absolutely no reply.....nothing at all!!!!!! So, our next conversartion would be about something completely different and the whole topic of my hurt feelings was completely ignored. We acted like nothing was ever mentioned.


Now, the very little bit of contact that I have with him is usually in response to his contact and it is very superficial. I still care about him and love him, but I am no longer inlove with him. And, I am not the type of person that can just ignore someone. If someone reaches out to me, then I have to respond.

But, I have sat and asked myself over and over again, what is it about this person that keeps me in contact? A person that treats you like crap for so long, cusses you out, cheats on you, ignores you, embarrases you etc....

ZiggyB

This is a very good question... one which I have asked myself many times. Honestly I'm thinking it's because we feel we don't deserve anything better and the cycle of pain almost becomes normal after a while.

Lynnrae2

At one time, I agreed with that Ziggy. When I was going to counseling....I told my counselor that I dont deserve better. I felt like that was the best i could do and also, the mean and hateful behavior becomes the norm, so you stay in all of that crap.


Thank goodness for me though, I am finally realizing that I do deserve better and being treated like crap is not normal.

ZiggyB

Me too... !

You know, I suffer from anxiety and depression and I can honestly say it took a professional therapist to help me realize the problems in the relationship were not all my fault. I seem to happily take on anyone's guilt trips, angry outbursts and dramatic scenes and internalize them.

I think if I do run into him again, I can at least walk by with my head held up high, that I tried to do what I could to make things better.

Titanic

It's a longing for something - real reciprocated love (in general), resolution, reconciliation (with the As of ours), recovery, replaying our hurt feelings inside their heart & soul so they can experience the pain we feel/felt and thereby ... Maybe we can even figure out which one or more of those it is.

But what are the chances of any of those without the A's recovery, which itself is a question mark?!

Just one more thing from the gift that keeps on giving to (taking from) us family members and significant others.

ZiggyB

Yeah I think you're right... perhaps I wanted him to apologize too and for me just to feel okay about it all somehow. Instead I get put down again and told I deserve to be in pain after all the pain he put me through already. If I try to say anything to defend myself I am accused of being spiteful. I tell him he is projecting all of his issues on me and then he says the same thing in return. It's all a bunch of psychological mind games and childish and who the hell cares. Talking to him is like talking to an angry, resentful venemous snake. At least I'll have something to talk about in therapy... lol

ODAT63

Alkies love to make us feel guilty...and we eat it up! Time to stop it...take your own power back...no one has the right to make you feel anyway without your permission.

ZiggyB

Thank you.... I am trying and yes, time to get off the treadmill of guilt and anxiety, I do not need it!