Back to no Contact

Reply Subscribe

Page 2 of 2

Thread Tools

10-30-2012, 05:12 PM

# 21 (permalink)

Learn2Live

To thine own self be true.

Join Date: May 2009

Location: U.S.A.

Posts: 5,924

Sometimes ya just have to touch that flame again, to make sure it still burns.

10-30-2012, 05:22 PM

# 22 (permalink)

Rosiepetal

Member

Join Date: Oct 2012

Posts: 1,423

Big hugs to you Ziggy, I know it hurts honey but you are doing so well & are an inspiration to me.
Respect.
If it's any consolation my ex husband verbally abused & threatened me after our break up for years & years. It's 6 years now & in the past year he has given me complements about my parenting skills & even wished me a happy birthday. Funny, just shows that eventually the blame does run out lol.

10-30-2012, 06:08 PM

# 23 (permalink)

ZiggyB

Member

Thread Starter

Join Date: Jul 2012

Location: SAN FRANCISCO

Posts: 1,176

Quote:

Originally Posted by Learn2Live

Sometimes ya just have to touch that flame again, to make sure it still burns.

I know... right? It is anti-healing, anti-growth and totally irresistible, I guess.

10-30-2012, 06:11 PM

# 24 (permalink)

ZiggyB

Member

Thread Starter

Join Date: Jul 2012

Location: SAN FRANCISCO

Posts: 1,176

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rosiepetal

Thanks, I don't feel like I am doing so well, I'm back to being kind of a wreck. Fortunately my exbf and I don't have any kids I'm just terrified I'm going to run into him again now that he's so close and he will do something scary. I guess he has nothing good to say about me or to me so that dream just needs to be buried.

10-30-2012, 08:26 PM

# 25 (permalink)

trublnshangrila

Member

Join Date: Sep 2012

Posts: 32

Quote:

Originally Posted by Learn2Live

Sometimes ya just have to touch that flame again, to make sure it still burns.

Yes, we return to the pain source for validation -continuing the destructive cycle- proving to ourselves we are unloveable and unworthy of love. The self-fulfilling prophecy rears its ugly head.
What I failed to see for so long was my choosing of reluctant, unhealthy partners; of course the results were disastrous!
My XA was/is one of the most emotionally unavailable people you could meet.
It helps to remind yourself that pain isn't love, it's just pain.

10-31-2012, 02:25 PM

# 26 (permalink)

ZiggyB

Member

Thread Starter

Join Date: Jul 2012

Location: SAN FRANCISCO

Posts: 1,176

Quote:

Originally Posted by trublnshangrila

Thanks, I needed this today. Went to the therapist once again today, we both agree I should not be having any more contact with the ex and now I have to take charge of my own life; we are going to be working on challenging negative thoughts - I am excited for this process even more so, because it is something the ex would have sneered at. :-P

10-31-2012, 05:37 PM

# 27 (permalink)

Titanic

Iceberg Ahead!

Join Date: Sep 2012

Location: Out at Sea

Posts: 1,177

Sounds good!

On other things, we must be careful not to choose our course of action simply because it is the opposite of what they would choose to do.

10-31-2012, 05:37 PM

# 28 (permalink)

Learn2Live

To thine own self be true.

Join Date: May 2009

Location: U.S.A.

Posts: 5,924

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZiggyB

lol - always the cynic, aren't you? I only wanted to try and make things civil, so if I ran into him I wouldn't have to worry about him screaming at me or doing something weird. I agree it wasn't so good for me though, and I shouldn't have bothered, which is why I posted here. There's no need to be rub sand in my eyes.

This makes me wonder if perhaps there was some attempt at controlling here? Not letting go of the outcomes maybe?

10-31-2012, 05:43 PM

# 29 (permalink)

Learn2Live

To thine own self be true.

Join Date: May 2009

Location: U.S.A.

Posts: 5,924

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZiggyB

This is a very good question... one which I have asked myself many times. Honestly I'm thinking it's because we feel we don't deserve anything better and the cycle of pain almost becomes normal after a while.

Could be. Or it could be that the actual person and whether or not we feel we deserve more have nothing to do with it at all. I say this because I've done it so many times; held on for much too long. The way I see it is, the reason we hang on is because we haven't figured out the life lesson that person was meant to bring us. When I am finally able to let go, and then get a little distance, things become a little clearer and the lesson reveals itself. And the lesson is always about ME. It's never made any bit of difference who the messenger was.

10-31-2012, 05:46 PM

# 30 (permalink)

Learn2Live

To thine own self be true.

Join Date: May 2009

Location: U.S.A.

Posts: 5,924

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZiggyB

Yeah I think you're right... perhaps I wanted him to apologize too and for me just to feel okay about it all somehow. Instead I get put down again and told I deserve to be in pain after all the pain he put me through already. If I try to say anything to defend myself I am accused of being spiteful. I tell him he is projecting all of his issues on me and then he says the same thing in return. It's all a bunch of psychological mind games and childish and who the hell cares. Talking to him is like talking to an angry, resentful venemous snake. At least I'll have something to talk about in therapy... lol

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.

10-31-2012, 05:47 PM

# 31 (permalink)

ZiggyB

Member

Thread Starter

Join Date: Jul 2012

Location: SAN FRANCISCO

Posts: 1,176

Quote:

Originally Posted by Titanic

Sounds good!

On other things, we must be careful not to choose our course of action simply because it is the opposite of what they would choose to do.

I agree, he just used to scoff at any thing I tried to do for self improvement, like therapy, or meditation, or reading an inspirational book. This was a guy who would dump all over a positive affirmation because he felt it was cliched or something. But I'm doing it because I want to.

10-31-2012, 05:50 PM

# 32 (permalink)

ZiggyB

Member

Thread Starter

Join Date: Jul 2012

Location: SAN FRANCISCO

Posts: 1,176

Quote:

Originally Posted by Learn2Live

This makes me wonder if perhaps there was some attempt at controlling here? Not letting go of the outcomes maybe?

I admit it has been difficult for me to let go and somehow I wanted to "improve" upon things a bit between us, and only made everything worse in the process. so yeah guilty as charged I suppose.

11-02-2012, 03:09 PM

# 33 (permalink)

Cyranoak

Member

Join Date: Nov 2010

Posts: 2,052

True...

...but my heart's in the right place and I definitely was not rubbing sand in your eyes. Rather, I was trying to do the opposite. Most of what I read here that I think are mistakes, big and small, I've probably made myself (including this one).

I've been reading your posts for a long time now and I respect you a great deal. That's also why I felt comfortable saying that to you.

Take care,

Cyranoak

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZiggyB

11-02-2012, 08:24 PM

# 34 (permalink)

cli

Member

Join Date: Sep 2012

Posts: 78

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZiggyB

I'm in the midst of this at the moment. It's all fine and dandy to say that I know I shouldn't have expectations of my XRABF, but it still leaves a huge hole in my heart. It finally sunk in that he'll never apologize, never do or say anything to help me, never make any reparations. That was the whole point of him dumping me anyway, so he wouldn't have to see the aftermath in the cold, bright light of sobriety. But of course he says it's because I cried too much back when I thought I might go bankrupt... I hate that I still care what such a jerk thinks of me, but I really do.