I guess I should have known...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Out on a MTB trail somewhere
Posts: 202
told him based on him just telling me how much he loved me & wanted to make our marriage work & then abandoning me again with no understanding of why (DRINKING!) all I can assume is I should now assume I am single with no hope for my marriage (really, how can I not think otherwise!). I asked him to please let me know if he was going to help me with rent for November (and I wouldn't ask for any thing else in the future) & to please communicate with me regarding does he want a divorce, does he want to rebuild, does he want to work out his demons & we will be together again with no divorce.
My response was based on the above. My apologies for misunderstanding what you were trying to communicate. I really like what Feedom had to say.
My response was based on the above. My apologies for misunderstanding what you were trying to communicate. I really like what Feedom had to say.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by MTBChick 
told him based on him just telling me how much he loved me & wanted to make our marriage work & then abandoning me again with no understanding of why (DRINKING!) all I can assume is I should now assume I am single with no hope for my marriage (really, how can I not think otherwise!). I asked him to please let me know if he was going to help me with rent for November (and I wouldn't ask for any thing else in the future) & to please communicate with me regarding does he want a divorce, does he want to rebuild, does he want to work out his demons & we will be together again with no divorce.
My response was based on the above. My apologies for misunderstanding what you were trying to communicate. I really like what Feedom had to say.
My response was based on the above. My apologies for misunderstanding what you were trying to communicate. I really like what Feedom had to say.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
On both sides of the fence, there can be an intense yearning to quickly fill a "void" left by the withdrawal from the alcohol/addiction, the loss of of a loved one, or raw emotion that is lacking an understanding partner's shoulder to cry on. It's a tough place to be in. 
Both programs recommend recovery for a long time before making big changes or decisions.
Both programs recommend recovery for a long time before making big changes or decisions.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 63
Update...
My day with Mister Tempting was just what I hoped it would be... a fun day out with a friend who actually enjoyed my company. Flirting? Eh, he randomly threw in harmless one liners but nothing that made me feel icky.
You know what I realized though? What the heck am I doing wanting this clown back in my life??? Sure, we are married & I am horrified/shocked that this has happened & how it happened but really... why did I not see this was a blessing? Okay, sure, I miss him and our life- well most of it but really, even if he wasn't drinking that day we were more room mates than anything. I was lonely, as lonely as I am now with him gone. Except now I don't have to look over at him on his computer wishing the person in the room with me would want to hang out with me. He was rarely loving to me, respectful of my feelings & it was always the "AH show".
I feel stupid. Letting myself trudge on with someone I never should have married. We have been having all the same problems since the moment he stepped off the plane to move here (we dated long distance & I was always the one to pay to fly to him (3000 miles) and when he moved here I bought the ticket). I was always thinking "What happened to the guy I fell in love with"? But of course I rationalized it. "It's a big adjustment, he's away from him friends/family" but it never got better! Sure, sometimes I'd get that wonderful guy back for a week here, a week there but really- he pulled his first disappearing act with no contact two weeks after he moved here! I wish I would have taken it as a red flag but again- I was rationalizing it with the pressure of a new state & newly living together. I thought give it time. Yeah, time to do it every month & sink deeper in to my slice of he!! is more like it. And after two years of being miserable & him finally disappearing for good... I'm upset about it? I'm seriously mad at myself right now. I turned in to one of my friends who complains about their miserable relationship! I always thought "Why stay if it;s so bad? Why are you upset now that it's over? Boy, I sure never would!". Um yeah- looks like you would!
You know... I'm sure I will still mourn & be sad as it sucks to be so lonely, sucks to have failed in marriage (I waited till I was 41 to get married for a reason!) but it sure is nice to have more & more frequent moments of "What the heck is your trip & knock it off".
I took a look at free legal aid/advise links tonight so I can divorce him. No more waiting to see what HE wants. No more I wish I could save my marriage. I do have to wait one more month to do it though...when I saw him Monday & he filled my head full of I love you & lets make it work I wasn't thinking about anything other than that. Problem is, we had unprotected relations (Again, wake up- mistake!!) & I was ovulating & I need to make sure I'm not pregnant before I file so it gets added in to the divorce if need be. And no, if I am pregnant it does not mean he gets to be in my life as a husband or partner. He has a 8 y/o daughter now from a girlfriend years ago (she took full custody) & he hasn't seen her in years & barely remembers to call her so yeah- he wont be an issue. I doubt even in the same state he'd bother seeing the child but I'd make sure there were strict rules on visitation. We had been trying & lost two so it would fill me with joy to have a child but I am not happy about making that mistake now. Not with him.
So... today has been a good day I'd say. I hung out with a friend who made me smile & also realize how uninterested in anything to do with men other than guys I'm already friends only with, pulled my head out of my butt again about poor me & realized for the second day in a row... I don't need or want a toxic relationship & that's all it will ever be.
I wish I could go to another Al-Anon meeting tomorrow but there isn't another one by me until Sunday. So, Sunday it is!
Thanks for letting me share what I'm going through. It does really help to know others in my shoes(ish) are hearing me & offering support to get it all out. <3
My day with Mister Tempting was just what I hoped it would be... a fun day out with a friend who actually enjoyed my company. Flirting? Eh, he randomly threw in harmless one liners but nothing that made me feel icky.
You know what I realized though? What the heck am I doing wanting this clown back in my life??? Sure, we are married & I am horrified/shocked that this has happened & how it happened but really... why did I not see this was a blessing? Okay, sure, I miss him and our life- well most of it but really, even if he wasn't drinking that day we were more room mates than anything. I was lonely, as lonely as I am now with him gone. Except now I don't have to look over at him on his computer wishing the person in the room with me would want to hang out with me. He was rarely loving to me, respectful of my feelings & it was always the "AH show".
I feel stupid. Letting myself trudge on with someone I never should have married. We have been having all the same problems since the moment he stepped off the plane to move here (we dated long distance & I was always the one to pay to fly to him (3000 miles) and when he moved here I bought the ticket). I was always thinking "What happened to the guy I fell in love with"? But of course I rationalized it. "It's a big adjustment, he's away from him friends/family" but it never got better! Sure, sometimes I'd get that wonderful guy back for a week here, a week there but really- he pulled his first disappearing act with no contact two weeks after he moved here! I wish I would have taken it as a red flag but again- I was rationalizing it with the pressure of a new state & newly living together. I thought give it time. Yeah, time to do it every month & sink deeper in to my slice of he!! is more like it. And after two years of being miserable & him finally disappearing for good... I'm upset about it? I'm seriously mad at myself right now. I turned in to one of my friends who complains about their miserable relationship! I always thought "Why stay if it;s so bad? Why are you upset now that it's over? Boy, I sure never would!". Um yeah- looks like you would!
You know... I'm sure I will still mourn & be sad as it sucks to be so lonely, sucks to have failed in marriage (I waited till I was 41 to get married for a reason!) but it sure is nice to have more & more frequent moments of "What the heck is your trip & knock it off".
I took a look at free legal aid/advise links tonight so I can divorce him. No more waiting to see what HE wants. No more I wish I could save my marriage. I do have to wait one more month to do it though...when I saw him Monday & he filled my head full of I love you & lets make it work I wasn't thinking about anything other than that. Problem is, we had unprotected relations (Again, wake up- mistake!!) & I was ovulating & I need to make sure I'm not pregnant before I file so it gets added in to the divorce if need be. And no, if I am pregnant it does not mean he gets to be in my life as a husband or partner. He has a 8 y/o daughter now from a girlfriend years ago (she took full custody) & he hasn't seen her in years & barely remembers to call her so yeah- he wont be an issue. I doubt even in the same state he'd bother seeing the child but I'd make sure there were strict rules on visitation. We had been trying & lost two so it would fill me with joy to have a child but I am not happy about making that mistake now. Not with him.
So... today has been a good day I'd say. I hung out with a friend who made me smile & also realize how uninterested in anything to do with men other than guys I'm already friends only with, pulled my head out of my butt again about poor me & realized for the second day in a row... I don't need or want a toxic relationship & that's all it will ever be.
I wish I could go to another Al-Anon meeting tomorrow but there isn't another one by me until Sunday. So, Sunday it is!
Thanks for letting me share what I'm going through. It does really help to know others in my shoes(ish) are hearing me & offering support to get it all out. <3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 63
Recovering? No.
Accepting? Yes.
I have a long road to recovery from this but boy, I need to knock this off & be the smart person I am... or was before all this anyhow. :/
Friends, meetings, support group here, self reflection, surrounding myself with good people & enjoying my life will be the road to recovery. I don't care how long it takes as long as I don't stay stuck in wanting to stay in a bad relationship. I don't want to stay sick.
Accepting? Yes.
I have a long road to recovery from this but boy, I need to knock this off & be the smart person I am... or was before all this anyhow. :/
Friends, meetings, support group here, self reflection, surrounding myself with good people & enjoying my life will be the road to recovery. I don't care how long it takes as long as I don't stay stuck in wanting to stay in a bad relationship. I don't want to stay sick.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 138
So happy for you to see this. I have been away for 3 months now from my ex-a that was my fiance and live in Seattle but moving back to my home town in Oregon this week. I am crushed but really like you said toxic. That is not worth anything to have a toxic, lier in your life. I moved to Seattle to be with him and he took full advantage of it, I paid for everything, what a fool I feel but I'm like you, it's time to move on and get back our life. I wish you the best and it sure helps to read others storys like yourself that is so similar to mine. Together people get through hard times.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 63
Sigh... why do mornings have to be so hard on me? This is when I feel the overwhelming wave of sadness. At least I know from past days that I will cry, I will mourn & then as the day progresses... so do I. :'(
He was in my dreams last night. It was such a wonderful dream... but now I am awake & facing reality.
I received an email back regarding my inquiry about our marriage & if he was going to help with funds like he had offered. All it said was that he would try to help with funds but he just lost his job. Another step towards rock bottom, how totally sad. I can't worry about that though, I have myself to worry about & can't lose focus.
It's so hard though... sigh... I hate mornings...
He was in my dreams last night. It was such a wonderful dream... but now I am awake & facing reality.
I received an email back regarding my inquiry about our marriage & if he was going to help with funds like he had offered. All it said was that he would try to help with funds but he just lost his job. Another step towards rock bottom, how totally sad. I can't worry about that though, I have myself to worry about & can't lose focus.
It's so hard though... sigh... I hate mornings...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 145
Good morning rainiee,
Thank you for sharing. Though I wasn't married, I related so much to your story. I felt flashbacks of all the times my now XABF would ignore me for weeks and weeks, no communication, hiding in his room, playing games or drinking his life away and constantly I would try to reach out. Initially, I had the belief "love someone the way they needed" so if he needed space, needed to drink, yep I let him. If he needed to ignore me, yep I let him--once for 2 straight months and nothing but a short text that said he was ok and trying to get better. I would text him a lot saying I believed in him, and he could do it, he's so strong, anything and everything because I wanted him so badly to believe he could. I've tried arguing, I've tried the blunt truth telling him he was pathetic, I've tried the super duper lovey dovey, let's avoid this until you're ready to talk about it. NOTHING works. I can't change the way he behaves.
I told him to pack his things and move out just 2 days ago. It's hard to understand and come to terms with this. I keep thinking he can get better, he can get better. When I read that you emailed him asking for the status of your marriage, it reminded me of all the times I would ask if he loved me, did he believe in this relationship? I was waiting on him because I knew I was committed to the relationship, I just needed to know if he was. Looking back, all the waiting and waiting, when really I could have decided. I didn't need him to update me on the status of the relationship. I could decide for myself. Why does he get to decide where this relationship is going and how fast or slow it is progressing? I gave him so much power. I gave him so much control.
I hope you stick to this path because I am right there with you. My friend told me, yes you keep thinking of the past and how wonderful he was on this occasion or that occasion, but if you met him now, in this very second, would you want to be with who he is now? I'm learning to accept that yes they have their great moments, but in the long run, how many great moments are there vs. bad moments? I reflect on who I am and noticed I have changed a lot. I used to be the 'I don't need a man', strong, independent woman type who spoke my mind, did what I wanted. Now, I've become someone who did need a man - this man -, who wasn't strong or independent anymore, who didn't speak my mind for fear it would upset him, and I didn't do anything I wanted to do because I had to save money and time to spend it with/on him! Who have I let myself become?
Thank you for sharing. Though I wasn't married, I related so much to your story. I felt flashbacks of all the times my now XABF would ignore me for weeks and weeks, no communication, hiding in his room, playing games or drinking his life away and constantly I would try to reach out. Initially, I had the belief "love someone the way they needed" so if he needed space, needed to drink, yep I let him. If he needed to ignore me, yep I let him--once for 2 straight months and nothing but a short text that said he was ok and trying to get better. I would text him a lot saying I believed in him, and he could do it, he's so strong, anything and everything because I wanted him so badly to believe he could. I've tried arguing, I've tried the blunt truth telling him he was pathetic, I've tried the super duper lovey dovey, let's avoid this until you're ready to talk about it. NOTHING works. I can't change the way he behaves.
I told him to pack his things and move out just 2 days ago. It's hard to understand and come to terms with this. I keep thinking he can get better, he can get better. When I read that you emailed him asking for the status of your marriage, it reminded me of all the times I would ask if he loved me, did he believe in this relationship? I was waiting on him because I knew I was committed to the relationship, I just needed to know if he was. Looking back, all the waiting and waiting, when really I could have decided. I didn't need him to update me on the status of the relationship. I could decide for myself. Why does he get to decide where this relationship is going and how fast or slow it is progressing? I gave him so much power. I gave him so much control.
I hope you stick to this path because I am right there with you. My friend told me, yes you keep thinking of the past and how wonderful he was on this occasion or that occasion, but if you met him now, in this very second, would you want to be with who he is now? I'm learning to accept that yes they have their great moments, but in the long run, how many great moments are there vs. bad moments? I reflect on who I am and noticed I have changed a lot. I used to be the 'I don't need a man', strong, independent woman type who spoke my mind, did what I wanted. Now, I've become someone who did need a man - this man -, who wasn't strong or independent anymore, who didn't speak my mind for fear it would upset him, and I didn't do anything I wanted to do because I had to save money and time to spend it with/on him! Who have I let myself become?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by mdkathy62
Good morning rainiee,
Thank you for sharing. Though I wasn't married, I related so much to your story. I felt flashbacks of all the times my now XABF would ignore me for weeks and weeks, no communication, hiding in his room, playing games or drinking his life away and constantly I would try to reach out. Initially, I had the belief "love someone the way they needed" so if he needed space, needed to drink, yep I let him. If he needed to ignore me, yep I let him--once for 2 straight months and nothing but a short text that said he was ok and trying to get better. I would text him a lot saying I believed in him, and he could do it, he's so strong, anything and everything because I wanted him so badly to believe he could. I've tried arguing, I've tried the blunt truth telling him he was pathetic, I've tried the super duper lovey dovey, let's avoid this until you're ready to talk about it. NOTHING works. I can't change the way he behaves.
I told him to pack his things and move out just 2 days ago. It's hard to understand and come to terms with this. I keep thinking he can get better, he can get better. When I read that you emailed him asking for the status of your marriage, it reminded me of all the times I would ask if he loved me, did he believe in this relationship? I was waiting on him because I knew I was committed to the relationship, I just needed to know if he was. Looking back, all the waiting and waiting, when really I could have decided. I didn't need him to update me on the status of the relationship. I could decide for myself. Why does he get to decide where this relationship is going and how fast or slow it is progressing? I gave him so much power. I gave him so much control.
I hope you stick to this path because I am right there with you. My friend told me, yes you keep thinking of the past and how wonderful he was on this occasion or that occasion, but if you met him now, in this very second, would you want to be with who he is now? I'm learning to accept that yes they have their great moments, but in the long run, how many great moments are there vs. bad moments? I reflect on who I am and noticed I have changed a lot. I used to be the 'I don't need a man', strong, independent woman type who spoke my mind, did what I wanted. Now, I've become someone who did need a man - this man -, who wasn't strong or independent anymore, who didn't speak my mind for fear it would upset him, and I didn't do anything I wanted to do because I had to save money and time to spend it with/on him! Who have I let myself become?
Thank you for sharing. Though I wasn't married, I related so much to your story. I felt flashbacks of all the times my now XABF would ignore me for weeks and weeks, no communication, hiding in his room, playing games or drinking his life away and constantly I would try to reach out. Initially, I had the belief "love someone the way they needed" so if he needed space, needed to drink, yep I let him. If he needed to ignore me, yep I let him--once for 2 straight months and nothing but a short text that said he was ok and trying to get better. I would text him a lot saying I believed in him, and he could do it, he's so strong, anything and everything because I wanted him so badly to believe he could. I've tried arguing, I've tried the blunt truth telling him he was pathetic, I've tried the super duper lovey dovey, let's avoid this until you're ready to talk about it. NOTHING works. I can't change the way he behaves.
I told him to pack his things and move out just 2 days ago. It's hard to understand and come to terms with this. I keep thinking he can get better, he can get better. When I read that you emailed him asking for the status of your marriage, it reminded me of all the times I would ask if he loved me, did he believe in this relationship? I was waiting on him because I knew I was committed to the relationship, I just needed to know if he was. Looking back, all the waiting and waiting, when really I could have decided. I didn't need him to update me on the status of the relationship. I could decide for myself. Why does he get to decide where this relationship is going and how fast or slow it is progressing? I gave him so much power. I gave him so much control.
I hope you stick to this path because I am right there with you. My friend told me, yes you keep thinking of the past and how wonderful he was on this occasion or that occasion, but if you met him now, in this very second, would you want to be with who he is now? I'm learning to accept that yes they have their great moments, but in the long run, how many great moments are there vs. bad moments? I reflect on who I am and noticed I have changed a lot. I used to be the 'I don't need a man', strong, independent woman type who spoke my mind, did what I wanted. Now, I've become someone who did need a man - this man -, who wasn't strong or independent anymore, who didn't speak my mind for fear it would upset him, and I didn't do anything I wanted to do because I had to save money and time to spend it with/on him! Who have I let myself become?
He knows my love for him is true, he knows I believe in him, he knows how I feel- I've told him. What he does with that is up to him & I'm certainly not telling him again...and again...and...
When I met him I was happy with my life, emotionally healthy & a strong & independent woman. I am not that person today for the most part & it's sad I let myself go over another persons inability to help themselves.
I have to stay on the path I'm on now as if I don't this will all destroy me on the inside & it's not who I am or want to be. I already feel so much pain & have to allow it to pass & to make room for joy again... which I've started to do.
But mornings are so hard. The pain always shows up to taunt me. Ah yes, this too shall pass & when it does I will have mourned it appropriately & allowed myself to feel any emotion I felt so that it doesn't haunt me in the future.
Stupid mornings...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
