He's sober and living separate. What now?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 78
He's sober and living separate. What now?
my AH had been going to AA every day for a year and a half. Since the summer, his behavior was strange and he finally admitted to drinking on the way home every night for a least a week after I found an empty bottle. This time around it really messed with my head because no one believed me that he was still drinking. He is also blaming me more vocally than ever.
I've always been open about his drinking with my kids and we've agreed that so long as he was working a program, we'd stay. We asked him to leave last week. He's been staying with my FIL and has been sober for 11 days. It's so peaceful. He's no where near ready to come back - he still blames me and is angry because when he asks the kids if they miss him, they say no.
What now? I've read so much on alcoholism and thank you all for the info posted in this forum. I really was clueless as to the continued effects of alcoholism once he stopped the drinking. I see now that I expected too much and should have detached more. I joined an Alanon group and went to a few meetings. What can I expect from here? Is my AH best living away from us? Has anyone experienced this before?
I've always been open about his drinking with my kids and we've agreed that so long as he was working a program, we'd stay. We asked him to leave last week. He's been staying with my FIL and has been sober for 11 days. It's so peaceful. He's no where near ready to come back - he still blames me and is angry because when he asks the kids if they miss him, they say no.
What now? I've read so much on alcoholism and thank you all for the info posted in this forum. I really was clueless as to the continued effects of alcoholism once he stopped the drinking. I see now that I expected too much and should have detached more. I joined an Alanon group and went to a few meetings. What can I expect from here? Is my AH best living away from us? Has anyone experienced this before?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Keep working your program honey.
I think you know the answer to all those questions you asked.
Free yourself from concentrating on him, what is best for you and your children is what is most important right now.
11 days sober is nothing, he needs to be working on himself and working his program. The blaming is a symptom of the disease, it won't stop until he gets out of denial, he does that by concentrating on himself, not everyone around him.
I think you know the answer to all those questions you asked.
Free yourself from concentrating on him, what is best for you and your children is what is most important right now.
11 days sober is nothing, he needs to be working on himself and working his program. The blaming is a symptom of the disease, it won't stop until he gets out of denial, he does that by concentrating on himself, not everyone around him.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
What to expect?
I would expect the same old, same old. He will continue to blame you for his drinking, his sobriety, the color of the sky...... because that is his pattern and up until a few days ago ~ it was your pattern to accept this unacceptable behavior.
Take a cue from your children. They don't miss that abusive behavior.
I would expect the same old, same old. He will continue to blame you for his drinking, his sobriety, the color of the sky...... because that is his pattern and up until a few days ago ~ it was your pattern to accept this unacceptable behavior.
Take a cue from your children. They don't miss that abusive behavior.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear mry, I appreciate how painful this is for you. I am so sorry your family is going through this.
I believe that it is important to consider the devastating effects on the children from living in the home with active addiction. They carry those scars into their own adult lives. Not to speak of the effects on yourself. Alcoholism is a family disease. You might read several of the posts on the section for Adult Children of Alcoholics. It gives you a feel for the reality of the children.
I don't know the ages of your children, but alateen is very helpful for those who are old enough.
As I understand it, a person has to rigorously work a program---having a sponsor and working all the steps of AA in order to achieve a solid level of sobriety. In AA, I hear that they think in terms of 2-3yrs. They still consider someone a relative newcomer to sobriety for the first 5-yrs.
I am told by recovering alcoholics that just attending groups is not enough, without committing to do the work to change the alcoholic thinking. Going to AA just to stay in the family home is not enough motivation, alone. One has to com e to the point of wanting recovery for oneself.
These are the things that I would consider very carefully at this very difficult time.
Please hang around and post as often as you need to.
Many others, here, are or have been in your shoes.
dandylion
I believe that it is important to consider the devastating effects on the children from living in the home with active addiction. They carry those scars into their own adult lives. Not to speak of the effects on yourself. Alcoholism is a family disease. You might read several of the posts on the section for Adult Children of Alcoholics. It gives you a feel for the reality of the children.
I don't know the ages of your children, but alateen is very helpful for those who are old enough.
As I understand it, a person has to rigorously work a program---having a sponsor and working all the steps of AA in order to achieve a solid level of sobriety. In AA, I hear that they think in terms of 2-3yrs. They still consider someone a relative newcomer to sobriety for the first 5-yrs.
I am told by recovering alcoholics that just attending groups is not enough, without committing to do the work to change the alcoholic thinking. Going to AA just to stay in the family home is not enough motivation, alone. One has to com e to the point of wanting recovery for oneself.
These are the things that I would consider very carefully at this very difficult time.
Please hang around and post as often as you need to.
Many others, here, are or have been in your shoes.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, mry. I am glad you have taken the time to read about this disease. Keep reading and keep learning. Knowledge is empowering!
None of us can really say what will happen next. More to be revealed is really all we can tell you.
I suggest taking it one day at a time, and allow your kids to offer you input, as well. Too often we forget our kids have opinions and perspectives too, and that they are very valid. Your kids not missing him is a big sign that there was more dysfunction than you may have noticed.
None of us can really say what will happen next. More to be revealed is really all we can tell you.
I suggest taking it one day at a time, and allow your kids to offer you input, as well. Too often we forget our kids have opinions and perspectives too, and that they are very valid. Your kids not missing him is a big sign that there was more dysfunction than you may have noticed.
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