So mad at STBXAH right now
 

I feel so angry with ny AH right now I really just want to confront hme but I am trying to stay away. During nearly 3 decades of drinking he was abusive to me in every way. We split up a few times and one of those times I was in another relationship which did not last and which I told him about ( he had moved out, got his own place and said he was never coming back). When we finally split up I told him I was not coming back unless he stopped drinking and was spending a lot of time with somebody else.
Up till this point he has only been cold and heartless to me and not our kids. But now he has started to treat one of them in the same way. It makes me so sad and ashamed of him. His 'reason'/ excuse for this behaviour is that I am a serial adulterer and that is why we are where we are now! I am speechless. Does he really believe this, can alcoholism make you re-write history?:c004:

If alcoholics could tell the truth, they would have done something about their alcoholism a long time ago.

They rewrite history because they must always be the victim; being the victim is their excuse to drink. Almost all rewrite history. One, they weren't in their right minds when history was being created and don't really remember, and two, they always have to make problems someone else's fault.

How old are the children?

I think that they frequently rewrite history. If they could see their reality for what it really is, I highly doubt they would like it.

My STBXAH does the same thing. However, he cheated. He now claims that it is because I fell out of love with him, because I became too involved with the kids, because I am crazy, or because I was a mean, abusive wife. His truth depends on who is listening. I have had several friends all tell me different reasons why he claims he left me. (Even though I kicked him out...but he can tell it however he would like.) His reality is constantly in flux. It needs to comfort him. His reality makes him feel as though he is justified to drink, justified to do horrible things to me and our children.

I'm sorry that you are having to go through this, I know how freaking frustrating it is!

Your post brought two things to mind for me.

Primarily - a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders and from my heart, along with an ocean of anger, when I just accepted that his reality was different from my reality. It just was and that was OK. I had no obligation, or right even, to get him to see it my way or to change his perceptions. My truths and my reality was all I needed to move forward with my life. His perceptions did not control or trump mine. It was a great freedom. I also began to realize that alcoholism was in control of his perceptions. I don't know if he even believed what he was saying but with a little space it became more clear that addiction was driving his train and I won't win against that - I can just get out of the way.

Now that he is sober I suspect the crazier stuff he said has left his 'reality' but I'm still quite sure his perception of our history is different from mine. That is OK.

Secondarily - I didn't always make the best decisions and in hindsight I would have done some things differently. When I quit trying to change his perceptions I could back off defending my mistakes. I was able to say (to him or just myself) "You know what - I regret my actions/decisions/whatever in some instance. I will do it differently in the future." The gift was that I was able to separate out regret from guilt. I did not have to be perfect to still be true to, and take care of, myself. I had no obligation to stay with him just because I had made mistakes too.

Take care. Have you read the stickies at the top? They really helped me a lot - there is soooo much support and information in them.

Wow Thumper, well said! I completely agree. When I gave up the need to justify or be right out loud, and accepted it was his right to have his own reality that was vastly different from mine, a whole lot of anger just vanished! It allowed me to move forward with my own life.

Thanks for expressing that so well!

I am dealing with the same sort of issues right now. My councelor gave me a little advice. To just keep stay the path. To live my in a way "I" am sure and proud of, then the truth will eventually come out. My STBXAH has been warping the truth and trying to control me and my life for years. I have been gone for 14 months and he still trys to do it. Who care how he percieved the situation. I know how it was. Who care how he thinks I should be handling things. I am doing my best with whatever I had at the time.

This seems like it should be such an easy thing to do but I do find it very hard. If I feel the need to correct every lie he is throwing out there about me then I might as well move back in with him. Not going to happen.

It is none of my business what other people think of me.


I feel your pain on this issue, 4MyBoy

SadHeart they are 24 and a young 20 years old. The younger one still lives with me.

Thumper is right on. You know that the As experience blackouts, memory loss, and the "reality" of lies that are increasingly impossible to keep straight and recall. Trust your view of reality over theirs 9x/10 but "keep an open mind."