Time to Divorce Her For Remaining Drunk?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello djayr,
I know how hard this is for you--the pain and the loss felt even after you have been living apart. It is very hard to cut that cord.
When my exH cheated on me, moved out, and filed for divorce, he dithered around about having the final decree signed by the judge. He hemmed and hawed about counseling and giving up his charming girlfriend--he would neither go forward nor backward. I also allowed him to go on in this limbo for a while because it was so painful for me to finally cut that last string. Finally, I was able to tell him to have the decree signed or I would.
I can't tell you when or if to divorce your wife. I can't provide you with a good anniversary on which to file--there are none. What really makes me sad is this:
We are all flawed and imperfect human beings, but that does not mean that we don't deserve to be happy. Please know that you do not deserve to spend the rest of your life married to a woman who is not an equal marriage partner, who is constantly intoxicated, and who has cheated on you. You deserve much better treatment.
What also concerns me is that you are completely funding her lifestyle--which in the long run is not doing her any favors. For her own sake, please at least consider not providing her with spending money. I do hate to quote an 80's song here, but she 'gets her money for nothin' and her drinks for free'. Why would she even want to change her behavior? She does not have to....
Whatever you decide to do, we are hear to listen and walk this path with you. Please take good care of yourself!
I know how hard this is for you--the pain and the loss felt even after you have been living apart. It is very hard to cut that cord.
When my exH cheated on me, moved out, and filed for divorce, he dithered around about having the final decree signed by the judge. He hemmed and hawed about counseling and giving up his charming girlfriend--he would neither go forward nor backward. I also allowed him to go on in this limbo for a while because it was so painful for me to finally cut that last string. Finally, I was able to tell him to have the decree signed or I would.
I can't tell you when or if to divorce your wife. I can't provide you with a good anniversary on which to file--there are none. What really makes me sad is this:
I hate conflict. I don't want anyone, including AW, to be mad at me. I have my own flaws and I don't want to be judgmental. So this is hard for me.
What also concerns me is that you are completely funding her lifestyle--which in the long run is not doing her any favors. For her own sake, please at least consider not providing her with spending money. I do hate to quote an 80's song here, but she 'gets her money for nothin' and her drinks for free'. Why would she even want to change her behavior? She does not have to....
Whatever you decide to do, we are hear to listen and walk this path with you. Please take good care of yourself!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by djayr 
It's all so dramatic and sad and emotional to me. I hate conflict. I don't want anyone, including AW, to be mad at me. I have my own flaws and I don't want to be judgmental. So this is hard for me.
Yet I am gathering the strength to go through with it. Strength and possibly even hope and optism as to what might be next for me. It's been 2 years since she fell off the wagon; the fact is, she has not stopped drinking, so that's that. I am done with active alcoholism, this is the end of the road. Yikes...
Yet I am gathering the strength to go through with it. Strength and possibly even hope and optism as to what might be next for me. It's been 2 years since she fell off the wagon; the fact is, she has not stopped drinking, so that's that. I am done with active alcoholism, this is the end of the road. Yikes...
IMO, you have done everything and then some to make her 'see the light', and yet she just goes on doing her thing with no regard to you and your feelings. I believe you are enabling her by giving her all the money and then some that she needs. She is an adult, she needs to start acting like one.
Read again what NWGRITS wrote - I agree with her whole-heartedly.
Regarding the Christian aspect - that's always been a factor as well in my decisions - it's what kept me married to her in the first place and not divorce her several years ago. That and my stupid pride.
Anyway, I think you know in your heart what is best for you in the short and long terms. And keep coming here for support - these people are awesome.
Peace and blessings.
C-OH Dad
Lord Have Mercy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 242
Hi Everyone--more experience / strength / hope from all of you -- you're right, it's time, which is what my gut is telling me too. So I am moving the process forward. I do truly feel that I have done everything I can for her. All of the groundwork is done, I just need to keep marching forward, file the final divorce papers, deal with the house, and it will really be over.
Something quite incredible happened to me in the middle of this downward spiral. While I was out of town in early 2011, my dog escaped from dog-sitter AW and was lost in our urban/suburban community for 26 days. I looked everywhere for him, put together search parties, spread flyers, kept a blog, got on the 10:00 news a bunch of times. I was this nice guy looking for a lost dog -- and then the dog was found, DEAD. I wondered why the heck this would happen to me. But one thing I never felt, is that I could have done anything more to look for him. I did everything, and therefore I have no regrets. That is kind of what this feels like. The ending might not be what I would want, but I don't feel like there is anything more I could have done.
Like my tagline says, Lord Have Mercy . . . I am grateful for my SR "supporters", it's funny how we don't know each other hardly at all, but thanks to our common experience of dealing with A's, you understand me better than almost any of my normie friends and family. Thank you all for your insightful advice and posts.
Something quite incredible happened to me in the middle of this downward spiral. While I was out of town in early 2011, my dog escaped from dog-sitter AW and was lost in our urban/suburban community for 26 days. I looked everywhere for him, put together search parties, spread flyers, kept a blog, got on the 10:00 news a bunch of times. I was this nice guy looking for a lost dog -- and then the dog was found, DEAD. I wondered why the heck this would happen to me. But one thing I never felt, is that I could have done anything more to look for him. I did everything, and therefore I have no regrets. That is kind of what this feels like. The ending might not be what I would want, but I don't feel like there is anything more I could have done.
Like my tagline says, Lord Have Mercy . . . I am grateful for my SR "supporters", it's funny how we don't know each other hardly at all, but thanks to our common experience of dealing with A's, you understand me better than almost any of my normie friends and family. Thank you all for your insightful advice and posts.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 27
My wife and I coexisted for over two years with our children. I was hammered the entire time, with a promise list a mile long. Non of it ever came true. She finally got fed up and with the help of her friends dropped my ass, left and did not care. She even put a restraining order on me.
Guess what? Four years later I finally got sober - after MY trials and tribulations. She escaped the horror show it was for me to stop drinking and the hand cuffs, lot jobs, apartments, rehabs. She was out of the picture for my bottom and God bless her for it.
Today we are best friends. If you care about her, let her go. If you love her you have to leave or no one is going to survive.
Guess what? Four years later I finally got sober - after MY trials and tribulations. She escaped the horror show it was for me to stop drinking and the hand cuffs, lot jobs, apartments, rehabs. She was out of the picture for my bottom and God bless her for it.
Today we are best friends. If you care about her, let her go. If you love her you have to leave or no one is going to survive.
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