need advice...
 

I have been living with a recovering A for the last 10 yrs. She has been sober for 7 months. They say an A has to basically start their life over and start learning how to be normal again using baby steps. She does not work and we have been having money issues. Everytime i bring up household finances and how I need to be able to cut things out and budget, she tells me I am chastising her and calling her dumb and that she should not be concerned with finances since her sobriety comes first? Do I really have to do this all by myself and just accept whenever she "needs" money, hand it over with no questions asked? (btw, we have 4 kids to support as well). She says that I am the reason she is going to drink again. We both blew up after this argument since she now decided to take a job serving tables again (which means pouring wine to customers all night - which scares me that she is not ready to be around alcohol yet). I wrote her a short letter apologizing to her and I took responsibility for all of the pain and suffering I have caused her over the years with drinking and cheating and causing her to want to drink again. Is it ok for me to apologize and take some of the guilt and burden from her? Am I doing more harm by apologizing?

Sincerely,

Very Scared to lose my family

Welcome to the SR family!

I'm glad you found us, but sorry for the reason you are here. It is a difficult journey living with a loved ones addiction.

You are not alone. We understand. We are here to support you.

You say she is a recovering A of 10 years/sober for 7 months. Can you clarify those two statements?

A sober A (alcoholic) is someone who has put the bottle down. Stopped drinking. period.

A recovering A is someone who also has put the bottle down, and also working on facing life on life's terms with new tools. Most recovering A's use a support group, counseling, and/or self-improvement materials to begin learning how to face life with healthier responses.

Which is your A?

It appears from your post that you have a sober A that is still practicing the manipulations, denials, and blame-shifting of her alcoholism. That's not healthy for her, you or the children involved.

I almost wished my A would start drinking again instead of being a miserable sober A. (he eventually always did start drinking again)

Unfortunately, you are powerless to force her into the recovery process. You can learn tools to help you deal with the addictive behaviors. You can learn to detach and put boundaries in place to protect yourself and the children from the drama of addiction.

I learned about these tools through attending Alanon meetings, spending time here at SR and reading some self-improvement books.

You asked if it is okay to appologize for your part in the drama of living with addiction. I think that is a terrific place to start. It is how you unlearn those crazy making behaviors to keep yourself from going back to "that person you became" that is crucial.

I find that recovery needs to happen on both sides of the addiction. We both need to work the kind of recovery we hope our loved ones will work.

By becoming healthier, we are setting the example that we want to make positive, lasting changes in our lives.

We have been together for 10 years. She has only been sober for 7 months. She is currently in AA. It is also very scary for me to understand AA as she had been "wreckless romancing" with another member of AA that she met in detox. That supposedly stopped but the chance for another always seems there.