Graceland

I've been married to an alcoholic for ten years, but he's only admitted to being one two weeks ago. He's been going to AA meetings and has a sponsor, but I am keeping my distance. He knows that I've been to see a lawyer and can't believe that I'm thinking of leaving: "I'm in recovery and now you want to leave," is what he says.

Why, yes.

Now I want to leave.

But there's a new roadblock, of course.

Whenever we talk about splitting up, he says that he'll fight me to the bitter bloody end for joint custody of our six-year olds.

Any life would be better for them than what we have now. I agree to no end that codependency affects kids for life. Being around the two of us together is toxic.

But I'm afraid of what life would be for them, with him alone for a week.

I want full custody with visitation. That's what I want. That's what I'm afraid of not getting. If I stay, it will because I'm afraid of an exhausting court battle. I don't want to rock the apple cart.

I try to convince myself that maybe the only reason why I want full custody is because I want control, and that is partially true. But do I want control because of me, because it's what I want? Or because I think that it will be the best thing for them? And then who am I, crazy mixed up me, to say that I would be better?

dollydo

You want full custody because you know that this toxic enviornment and his addiction is determental to your childrens well-being and that is a must.

He, as an alcoholic, has the attention span of a 3 year old and the emotional IQ to back it up.He
is attempting to manipulate you, he really doesn't want custody, caring for them would be too much responsibility and work.

Me, I feel that those children are worth fighting for, you hold the key to their future in the palm of your hand, unlock that door and do what is right for them.

Pelican

You alcoholic sounds like a lot of other alcoholics when he says he will battle you in court. It is often a case of the alcoholic trying to bully the other person. It is usually an empty threat.

Your AH has been sober 2 weeks. Has he made his threats in the past week since attending AA and having a sponsor?

What does your lawyer think are the chances of him getting joint custody with his history of alcoholism?

Graceland

What got him to admit that he's an alcoholic (after ten years) was my calling the cops on him. He was alone with the kids while I was on a business trip across the country. When a neighbor emailed that he was stumbling drunk down the sidewalk, I called the cops. He didn't know where the kids were. Eventually, they were found at a neighbor's house. They stayed there as I took the red-eye home.

I saw a lawyer the next day and said that I wanted a separation. It was then when he admitted he was an alcoholic, started going to AA, and got a sponsor. Part of me thinks that he's doing all of this in an attempt for joint custody. And yes, he has played this card before, but never have I had real proof of his drinking. Now I do.

keepingmyjoy1

Hi Graceland. Sorry for what you are going through. Mine got fully active with AA when I said we had to separate (for the 3rd time). He said he would move out, but didn't. So I packed up and left with my son. He is still working his recovery and he really is sober right now (I can tell if he has had even one beer!)

In some ways, it makes it harder. The last 2 times I left and he was a total nightmare. This time, it was totally different since he really was trying to work his recovery. But for me, it really did not change a few things. He drove after drinking with my son in the car--when I found that out, I was done. Not to mention the behavior I have had to deal with. Sorry, too late. I really hope that his journey in recovery will be successful. I really do. But no way no how can I live with him. Trust is gone. Take it one day at time and do what you know in your gut is the best thing for you and your kids. You make your choices and he makes his. He chose to get drunk on his watch with the kids. Now you choose what is best for you and your kids. I would hope that no judge in the world would allow him to have unsupervised visitation after what he did. Hugs to you for being a good mom. Your children are blessed to have you. Hugs.

Florence

You're in good shape then. The courts typically like to do joint custody with primary physical custody to one parent. That would logically be you, based on your shared history.

With joint custody he would have the right to discuss and weigh in on medical or major life decisions with you before you regarding the children before you make any commitments. When the rubber hits the road, this can be difficult to navigate -- got any life dealbreakers around church or school? If you're dealing with someone who is intentionally obtuse, this is nightmarish. (Been there, done that.)

If you don't want to have to hash out this stuff with an active alcoholic (you probably don't), talk to your lawyer and find out what kind of proof you need to show that you would be unable to reasonably co-parent in a joint custody arrangement.

The courts are not particularly sympathetic to addiction in any form. But they also want children to have access to their parents if their parents are interested. It's a fine balance, but you definitely have a case. He does not.

Titanic

Have you gone to any Al-Anon meetings Graceland?

witharealwinner

My xabf used to threaten me and say that if we were to split up, he'd take the babies and that no judge on earth would leave them with me.

The reality, split up with him in June, he was granted every other weekend visitation. He has not seen our twins since mid July. Why? Because he's not working, has no money, is sponging off his uncle and his car broke down. He's allowed to call, and will call anywhere from every 4 days or so, to not hearing from him for almost 2 weeks.

He really didn't want to take our twins. I think he only uses them in whatever sick game he likes to try and play with me.

It seems to be a recurring theme with these people. The fact that you have proof of his drinking will be of tremendous help. He probably is doing the AA thing now b/c he thinks it will help him with custody. Watch and see how long it actually lasts. Probably not too long, I bet.

4MyBoys

Graceland,

I am going through this right now. I waited a couple years to leave because I was afraid of the same issues as you are. I was terrified of leaving him home alone with the kids.

You have proof. Speak to your lawyer but I think you will have the law on your side. You will most likely be able to have him only get supervised visits until he gets help. The courts seem to really not want the kids in situations that can be toxic. I have temporary custody with my STBXAH only getting to see the boys a few hours at a time a couple days a week with no overnights and that is all my word against his. And he is a police officer.

With the cops having been involved and neighbors having witnessed what happened, don't worry about him getting the kids. Do what is safest and best for you and your children.

Good luck, my thoughts are with you,
4MyBoys

CentralOhioDad

I know how you feel. Luckily you have proof, I could have had proof too, but I never called the squad the night she was drunk and hallucinating. Since she only drinks after son goes to bed, and has cut back, I don' have much ground to stand on. I know there would be a HUGE battle if we split - she would probably kill herself if she was denied seeing him daily.

I keep a journal and am waiting for the time she really messes up again and I can make my next move. Living with her moodiness is sucking the life out of me.

SoaringSpirits

Talk to your lawyer, of course, and document, document, document. I keep a journal specifically for writing down dates, incidents, people involved, exactly what the kids told me, etc. This is on the advice of my attorney. The incident with the police and your husband 'losing' your kids should work in your favor, hopefully.

So sorry you have to go through this. Good on you for being a mom who will stand up for her children.

lillamy

You have a police report that he was drunk while responsible for the children.
Two weeks of sobriety is great but it's two weeks.
My ex was sober for just long enough to get shared custody and then he started drinking again.

If I could go back, I would demand full custody and supervised visitations until he had 18 months of documented sobriety. Sounds crass and harsh but chances are, he'll never get there. My ex wouldn't have.

Florence

So while I was really confident upthread, now that the rubber is starting to hit the road I'm feeling more panicky and unsure about what I'm doing. Like the passage above, my AH did the vast majority of his drinking in private where we couldn't see or catch him, and was very effective at hiding it or passing it off OR accusing other people of being crazy and unreasonable for thinking he *might* have been drinking. He went this way for so long that he was physically addicted for a year or more, drinking and driving, taking care of my son, and having seizures in private for example, without anyone in the family ever really knowing that alcohol was a problem for him. So sneaky. So scary.

We have a 14 month old and now that we're separated he obviously wants to see her. His official story is that he was sober for 10 months after rehab before he relapsed, at which point I caught him immediately, and he disappeared for three days for a binge vacation, after which he's totally sober now. We've done this before and I'm relatively sure that that's not true and that I can't listen to what he says. I spoke to a lawyer who said that he needs to be able to provide proof that he's following a treatment plan before he has unsupervised visitation, but that asking for supervised visitation could be a challenge. I'm not trying to screw him over, I just want to make sure that my children are SAFE. Up until now he's been living with his parents who mean well, but are the ultimate enablers. Anything he says, they're all, yes, yes, okay, sounds great. He could be like, "I'm flying to the moon today!" and they would say, "Wow, son, we are so proud of you." The minute, however, that they have to deal with something negative or bad, they just want to throw money at it until it goes away. I'm assuming his mom has anxiety or something? They've totally rearranged their lives around what his mom can "handle," which is, in my opinion, very little.

So now we're at a point where they agree that the baby's safety is the most important thing, and they've said that if AH drinks, he's out of their house, but that's all platitudes. They're avoiding the reality of AH's disease. They believe everything he says, including the lies and the neatly packaged half-truths. If they can't commit to being the baby's primary caretaker when she's there, I don't want to take her there at all. It's not about them and whether they're nice people -- they are -- it's that they prefer to believe the fantasy over the reality, and the reality is actively dangerous. He plays with recovery, but his pattern is that a little isolation and a little money has EVERY TIME equaled relapse. He's looking for an apartment now. I know what's down this road.

I feel like if we took the fact that he's their son out of the equation, they would think it was crazy for their daughter-in-law to leave their only grandbaby in the care of a consistently relapsing alcoholic. But since it's their SON, who is AMAZING, and they are SO PROUD of him, they're totally blind to his very real, very serious, very pervasive issues.

I realize that supervised visitations might not happen once we get through court. I went through this with my son and his dad. He won joint custody and regular visitation, which would have been fine, but he played with my son's emotions just like he played with mine. My son is going to spend a lifetime sifting through that. I feel guilt that I got out of a terrible relationship with an emotional abuser and gaslighter whomy son is mandated to have a relationship with.

Anyway, I just want to know:

1) What do your custody arrangements with your A or A's family look like? And how do you feel about them? Did it take a lot to get to a point where you are comfortable?

2) What things do you wish you added in there or fought more for?

I'm adding onto this thread because I'm paranoid and don't want to start a new one. Stories and suggestions welcome.

4MyBoys

Florence,

I just saw your thread at the bottom of this. I have to leave work to get the kids but will come back tomorrow morning to give my two cents.

4MyBoys