LifeRecovery

My ExAH who I had just caught in an affair had the audacity to ask me "You don't think a relationship with "affair partner" and I would work out?"

The fact that I did not think it was weird for him to ask it shows how sick I was.

I spent a long time worried about my loved one after the split. That was about me, my codependency and how I operated in the world. I would have been worried regardless of if there was drinking/eating disorder stuff involved or not.

It was really uncomfortable, but if finally got me getting some help about my own issues re: his addiction (I am in recovery for my own eating disorder for many years).

I am sorry for how you are feeling but for me it was part of the healing process (cleaning out the wound so it could heal properly).

lillamy

She asks you for money. She asks you to meet her boyfriend. She doesn't see you as a husband -- she sees you as a PARENT.

Because I said yes to things during my divorce that I didn't want to -- like you, to avoid confrontation -- I'm going to tell you this right now: IT IS OK TO CHANGE YOUR MIND. It's OK for you to, when she contacts you about getting the rest of her stuff, say "I can't let you stay here; I've packed up your stuff in boxes and if you let me know when you are coming to pick it up, I will put it out in the driveway before you get here."

You don't have to stick to letting her stay with you. You don't have to expose yourself to any more of her crazy.

LoveMeNow

If you give her the money, there should be no expectations. It won't guarantee a civil divorce, in fact, she may become more entitled and think she can walk all over you.

mmk11

Protect yourself. Nothing you do will appease her or have her acting on good, rational, or respectful behavior.

For me going through my divorce, I had to limit interactions with AH. If he needed something from the house, I set it out on the front porch for him to pick up. I began sending him a weekly package of his mail because I didn't want him at the house. It was too much anxiety for me because I didn't know when he'd be by because he would go days without stopping by even though i told him his mail is by the front door. He let himself in the house on several occasions without me knowing beforehand or being present, which we specifically discussed him not doing (he made a point of telling me he'd respect my space and i told him repeatedly that I need to feel safe in my own home and not worry about him coming by unannounced) but gradually he stepped over those boundaries so I changed the locks.

WishingWell

So sad and so tragic. God, I hate addiction.

I'm sorry you are going through this! So hard -

6901

Luckily, she has no access to the house because she doesn't have a house key, I took her garage door opener, and changed the garage door code. But I do have to take steps to avoid seeing her once the divorce is finalized because it causes too much damage to MY recovery.

rsk

6901,

Addiction really does do horrible things to the people that we love. I do not think that the love for the person has to go away but NOW the love for ourselves has to be greater.

I miss my ex but I can no longer live in a world where my feelings and health are negatively impacted. Everyone says,"you deserve more,you are worth more..." and they are CORRECT. No one deserves to be treated as if they don't matter. Matter to yourself!

Good luck with everything : )

6901

Thanks rsk...I'll never stop loving her. But that love has caused too much damage over the years in terms of her addiction and my codependency. Because I don't want to keep re-living this pain over and over again, I'm ready to move on. I do deserve more and I'm looking forward to being happy again. Just wish she realized she deserves more too. But, as cold as it sounds, not my problem anymore. Still sad though.

6901

She texted me yesterday to tell me she got a DUI. Good thing she moved to Reno to get away, since it was obviously my fault that she had a drinking problem (sarcasm). Sad.

LifeRecovery

What are you sad about?

That the disease is still so strong or that you are not there for her to slime the problem onto.

She is stating and acting like she does not want you in her life when times are good, why is she texting you when times are tough?

I know there is no explanation.

What are you doing for you to take care of yourself?

6901

I'm just sad for her. It's a sad situation -- you never like to see someone you love throw their life away. I'm not making it my problem though. I knew it was only a matter of time. I think she's informing me of this since her dad is upset with her. He's the one who wanted her up there, so he can deal with it now. I'm just waiting for her to sign the divorce papers before I go no contact at this point. I'm actually feeling pretty good, considering everything.

Titanic

You're a good man and doing the right things!

Confetti

Be strong. It is sad, I know the feeling.

Soon she will sign the papers and you can go ahead with no contact.

keepingmyjoy1

Glad to hear that you are doing ok 6901.