BlueSkies1

Cute little sayings...that can be so true.

So today of all days something triggered me. Some little thing...but! But I'm not with the A. Haven't spoken in months.

When I'm white-knuckling it, I'm white knuckling with ME.

Then I can go down the rabbit hole, descent into the depths of my own personal heII, despair, etc., yuck...feeling weak, depressed, and thinking life is futile, and all those nasty thoughts that destroy our ability to love life.

And worse--thinking the relationship with the A was the pinnacle of my love life, and there won't ever be anything to compare. Life from here on out will be anti-climactic.

Pulling ourselves out of the disappointment of a failed relationship (one of them A or not doesn't matter) is depressing. The fact that in this particular failure he was an alcoholic isn't a cure-all for the disappointment. It's one label I've slapped on him.
So I have to turn my thoughts away from him. It's the only coping mechanism sometimes that works. Thinking anything during these worst times that leads to warm feelings for him must be pushed out of my mind.
It's been weeks or even over a month since I've felt so horribly weak. Breathe deeply...there is a process to learning how to work through these exact type of mindset days. I am in it, but I am ok, I will work through it, I will find some way to show progress to myself by doing something productive.

Are all codies perfectionists? Black and white thinkers? Wait, that statement was too black and white...how about do all codies lean perfectionists? I'm laughing at this one. I want to see just how many codies ADMIT IT.

Meh. I'm fine now. The moment has passed by writing about it. How do YOU work through those moments of despair?Especially since one thing for sure...codies get so damn serious, lose their sense of humor, get awfully touchy, overly sensitive (all for good reason)...and yet humor, lightening up, getting out of the black and white thinking, casting off the judgment, relaxing my rigid thinking and accepting all the imperfection in life, is the way OUT of the despair for me.

For me, it's not expecting myself to be perfect either, and accepting that I too have quirky idiosyncracies, eccentricities...ummm...dare I admit less than perfect and quite possibly flawed myself?
A's have flaws, oh boy do they ever, yet an active A never loses their sense of humor, the little.. $%%&*$#'s. Ahem, excusez mon francais!

lillamy

First of all -- I'm a perfectionist. I'm unlearning it as I try to teach my children not to be. I've figured out that life gets really boring when you're (metaphorically speaking) the proofreader who in every situation notices that there's a comma missing, even if you don't speak up about it.

There was a period of time when my kids would do nothing but speak about the BAD things that had happened at school. I started trying to turn that around by asking them to look for red cars driving home. One day, my youngest one said, "I never realized how many red cars there were till I started looking for them!"

BINGO! That's where I wanted them to go. I told them it's the same with good things -- if you look for them, you'll see more of them... (Got to run, but I'll be back to this!)

Tuffgirl

Feel it, acknowledge it, and let it go. Letting go takes many forms, from exercise, to reviewing my gratitude list, to playing with my dogs, hugging my kids, working in my garden, reading a book, or even taking an afternoon nap.

I consider those moments of despair to be as fleeting as moments of sheer happiness...they will come, and they will go.

I have had many losses this year. Losses of very important presences in my life (two were beloved dogs, so not all people). I am choosing everyday, every hour sometimes, to view it as simply the cycle of life, and focusing on what I learned from it all. Writing those things down so I don't forget them. What I've learned most of all is that no matter how much despair I may feel in any given moment, life still goes on.

lillamy

THAT is what I was getting to, also. I started asking the kids to list five good things that happened to them that day. It took less than a week for their general attitudes to change.

When I feel myself sinking into despair, I tell myself to work through that exercise every evening before going to bed. It does help me see other good things. It really does. Even though it sounds really cheesy.

I also make lists: Lists of things I was unable to do while married to an A; Lists of things I would like to do; lists of books I want to read... anything that makes me feel like I've got a future to prepare for.

ZiggyB

Oh boy, I can really relate to the above sentiments, especially wondering if the A. Was the pinnacle of my love life. Anyway, here is how I am coping with my despair lately.

• Mindfulness meditation practice, relaxing the mind definitely helps with depression/anxiety
• Yoga, same as above
• Remembering the bad times, makes me feel grateful to have my life back as a single person
• Hanging out with friends and family
• Indulging myself in hobbies: painting, reading a good book
• Clean a few things and get organized
• Focus on what goals I want to set for myself
• Have a nice cuppa tea