VanillaSpice

Hi all, my name is madie, I am new here and looking for I suppose some support in what I am experiencing at the moment. I feel as if my life is over and im devestated at my boyfriend of 2 years and his drinking. The emotional rollercoaster that im on and I feel as if its like having this lovely box of chocolates in front of me but when i open them some are poison and i never know which one im going to get each day. I have read some of the posts and its like reading my own life story. please someone help me. I cant eat, sleep or function at any level. As i type we have split up yet again as he is on a major beer drinking, wallowing in self pity couple of days. I get a text to say we are finished. I know he has done this as I have been asking him to try to get help, so with me out of the way he doesnt have to justify his drinking to anyone, until he becomes ill and rings me to say he is sorry, the usual bull, he loves me, misses me, his life wiould not be complete with out me rubbish. like all the others posting, he is a lovely person when he is sober, and that used to last for maybe 2 weeks, but the days are getting closer now and he seems to be drinking every second day. He doesnt just drink until he is drunk, he drinks until he falls down and makes a nuisance of himself, hangs out of people, makes rude remarks. It has gone to the stage he is now missing mostly fridays or mondays at work, and he works in a small town for a big multinational, the guys at work are covering for him when he goes off early in the day to drink, he is going to get into trouble as a work mate of his called me this evening to tell me that people are talking about him and there have been some serious remarks about him missing days because of drink.I know I didnt make him an alcoholic, nor can i make him get help, and I certainly cant cure him. I need help for me, to try to deal with this as i feel im going mad. its the not knowing if he has gone to work, is he in the pub, will he come home, will he be safe, what will i do if anything happens to him, is he telling me the truth when he says things, it has gotten to the stage where I dont believe or trust him anymore, we dont live together, but he does or used to stay with me maybe 3-4 nights in the week, that has dwindled as he is staying out drinking in his own town now which is about 30 miles away and his excuse is a taxi is too expensive, but he aways has money for drink. Im probably not even making any sense in this post, but i feel nothing makes sense any more, and im feeling so detached from my body its frightning. I have no one to talk to about this except my Boyfriend and there is no point in doing that. Please id really appreciate some words of wisdom.

Madie...

firebolt

I wish I had some - going through a little of the same with a boyfriend of 2 years. His drinking doesn't affect his work - yet.

It feels so hopeless sometimes - I know. I'm sorry you are going through that - you'll find the most wonderful people here - you are in the right place.

Alanon is helpful and comforting as well. It helps us focus on us, rather than them.

((((HUG))) - BEST to you!

bi11fish

I went thru serious (I want to put a gun in my mouth) depression at 9 yrs sober--The only thing I could do was seek professional help for someone who is versed in depression in addicts and alcoholics.

VanillaSpice

Thank you Firebolt, my emotional well being is in tatters at the moment, and i never thought so many tears could flow at the same time, im so ashamed that I would let him treat me like this, but I dont have the courage yet to leave as I truely adore him, why? Im not sure anymore, there used to be a million and one reasons, now i cant think of one.

Thank you and I hope your situaion doesnt progress further, you may be one of the lucky ones, i do hope that you are.

Thumper

Welcome to SR. I encourage you to read the stickies at the top of the forum. There is some really great support and sharing up there.

Keep posting. Perhaps, just for today, you could focus on you and your life. Train your mind to stay off of him for the moment. How can you heal, how can you build a fulfilling life, how can you begin to get some sanity back into your days? I know it is hard but it is worth the effort. It is also OK to take a short break from a relationship or just slow it down some. You don't have to make any big or permanent decisions but being so wrapped up in something that is costing you so much is not a good thing.

Alcoholism is what it is. He'll do what he is giong to do - which is apparently getting trashed 5 nights a week. Your life requires decisions too. What can you do to make tonight and tomorrow night more positive?

backtolifeforme

Please think about going to an AlAnon meeting to help yourself because his drinking is out of your control & nothing you can do or say will help him get sober. He needs to want to stop drinking for himself & enter + commit to recovery for himself (sobriety & recovery are two different things). AlAnon is for the A's loved ones.

Make no mistake that you will be sacrificing more of your mental health if you do choose to stay & if you stay long enough, you may suffer some physical health downfalls as well. No one who is in a relationship with an active A gets out without having some personal collateral damage. This is a terrible illness & not many make it through recovery despite repeated efforts. You need to know the demon you are dealing with in order to make the best decision for your life & your future. This illness is progressive & it will get worse without treatment. If you do plan to stay, make sure you learn as much as you can about this illness & about detaching so you can somewhat protect yourself emotionally.

I stayed in my relationship for over 13+ years doing everything & anything I could think of. Nothing worked. My XAB refused to give up his first love, alcohol & refused to stick to any recovery program. When I've kicked him out in the past, he'd run to his A Mom's place & she'd enable him. When his A Mom would get fed up, I'd take him back & enable him. Someone was always there to enable so he never really hit rock bottom. I terminated the relationship last Fall & this time it was permanent. It took me almost a full year to prep breaking up with him. I still love him but it's a different kind of love now mixed with some pity. I realized awhile back that he doesn't have the skills needed to sustain a relationship nor does he have coping skills needed to deal with real life on a daily basis. I chose to go to AlAnon & go into counselling to heal myself & get better from being such a codependent. He chose to keep drinking & self destructing.

Some examples of the progression with my XAB:

- Drank socially until 2 yrs into our r/l when I discovered he was an alcoholic coming from a long line of alcoholics. After my discovery, he began to hide vodka bottles.

- 4 years in, I saw that he blamed every job loss on employer or coworkers. It was never his fault, ever. 6 years in, he was found passed out in his car in parking lot of workplace. I found out by his coworker calling me. He blamed it on his workplace & was still harping about how crappy they are up til last year. Probably still trashes them to anyone who will listen, I don't know since I'm out of picture by choice.

- Started driving drunk without my knowledge 5 years in. Got 2 DUIs. First one he blamed on the cops, the second he blamed on me. It didn't matter that the reason he got the DUIs was because he decided to drink then drive - it was someone else's fault.

- Lost his driver's license 8 years in & blamed that on me. Despite the fact it was taken away from him due to repeated DUI infractions.

I was completely deluded to think that if I gave more, loved more, supported more...he'd 'get it' & go find some help. The only time he ever entered any kind of recovery was when he thought he was losing me but it wasn't something he genuinely wanted to do - it was manipulation. Attempts to get me back that worked in the past but not anymore. Every time I'd take him back because he'd show me he was trying to do better, he'd be great for a short period & then revert back to being a verbally abusive drunk. I do not miss the anxiety I felt on a daily basis. I do not miss being thrown in the middle between AXB & his nutty A Mom. I do not miss being blamed for his downfalls in life. I enjoy feeling safe in my home. I enjoy being around emotionally mature & happy people. I enjoy not having to be a pseudo parent to a man child alcoholic with underlying mental health issues. Life is too short. It took me ages to see these realities!

cr995

Maddie I have been where you are. The fact that somebody is behaving like this means they 'have you' . This could go on for years. It did with me - what you allow will continue. I would advise you to go to Al-anon. Ideally I would say love him from a distance but I know that's hard - I was unable to do that , I wasted my 20's , 30's and 40's and things never got better. You need to start the process right now of getting control over yourself - that stops somebody else controlling your life and believe they will - and not in a good way. What somebody else does should not have so much effect over you, once that happens you are at the mercy of an addict, insanity and craziness become your life. Go to Al-anon, gain control of yourself - read as much as you can on this - knowledge is power, love him from a distance.

Hugs and best wishes.

trying77

I remember a line or 2 from a Paullina Simons book where the husband of the alcoholic compares leaving as being akin to leaving a quadriplegic in the dessert.. The Dr made sure to remind him the difference is the alcoholic can get help..

Dont let the challenge become the excuse. As other posters have said, AlAnon is a great starting place. Well done for posting, its hard to share sometimes and doing it shows your ready for action. WELL DONE!!!!!!!! xx

Sueski

I know how this feels. I'm so sorry you are going through this, too. If you can get to AlAnon, please try it. The stickies and books people here are recommending are worth looking at. There is good support here, good advice here, and some very blunt truth-telling. I'm finding it helpful and I hope you do, too.

You can only control yourself, not him, that's for sure! I don't have much advice besides taking care of yourself as best you can. I'm right in the middle of it with a relapsed alcoholic husband, and that's where I'm trying to put most of my effort - remembering to take care of me. That's our job, right? You're right that it makes no sense, but you're not alone, Madie.

AYSprings

I think it is universal how an alchoholic affects a loved one who is sober. There is a gapping hole between the two worlds. Try not to have children with him. I have kids with an alchoholic and I have to detatch more and more to not fall into the hole I also fell into about two years into it. Now 5 years later I deal better and he is a little better but he will always be consistently self centered. Himself first and us later. I know it does hurt, just try not to have children with him. Try to find joy somewhere else. Get in touch with something you love to do and post to us about it, we all care what makes you feel good I am sure.

FifiRhubarb

I feel for you, Madie! I really do. I just got out of a relationship that lasted about 2 years. My ex is an alcoholic, a convicted felon, and a pathological liar. He lies as much as most people tell the truth. For most of our relationship I had no idea he was an alcoholic. I can't tell you how many hours I spent sick to my stomach with worry...where was he? Did he get pulled over while driving without a license? Was he in jail? Did he get too depressed and decide to end it? Turns out, most of the time, he was passed out drunk. Once I found that out, any time I didn't know where he was or didn't hear from him, that was my guess. I lived in fear of him going back to prison for a DUI or something.

After a certain point, though, I realized how much I was letting something I had no control over affect me. It helped me to realize that my ex and my destinies were not inextricably linked. I was me and he was him. Me being sick with worry could not affect his actions. Once you kind of form a barrier between what happens to him and what happens to you, it becomes much easier to deal with if you stay in the relationship.

With that said, I think it is important to ask yourself a couple of things:
1) Would you treat him this way?
2) If you did what he is doing, would he worry? Would he care?
3) Do you see things getting better? Where do you see your relationship 6 months from now?

I am not saying your answers need to be anything in particular, or that you need to share them with anyone. They are just questions I wish I had asked myself sooner. I wish I could go back and tell myself to get out. It is SO hard though, and I wish I could say that I had decided I'd had enough of his drinking. Really, the only reason I ended up finally kicking him to the curb was he was unfaithful to me.

VanillaSpice

my update! got a call on tuesday from my AB and he was yet again full of remorse. We did talk and he said he needed help that he was an alcoholic. He wanted me to call to him but I refused and told him actions speak louder than words. He did a lot of crying, telling me how sorry he was for all the hurt and heartache and that he realised it was taking its toll on me, but that he needed help and didnt know where to start, that his head was full of demons and he didnt want to live with it anymore. I have heard all the "im sorry" before, but he has never actually said "I am an alcoholic and I need help". Do I believe him? I want to, but I dont know if I can prepare myself for yet another let down. He has made an appointment see a Psychologist so maybe this is the beginning of a new journey for him. I want to beleve he will make this work for us, but more so for himself, but can I? He called me again this evening and talked about how he knows he has let me down and other people in his life. How he wants his life to be normal and enjoy being happy, and that he wants to be rid of all the demons in his head. Is going to a psychologist the step he should take first? Should he also attend aa meetings? Today I attended an alnon meeting, I found it very emotional and seeing that so many people are going thro the same as myself. Im really trying to get mself and my crazy thoughts together and begin healing me, and the strange thing is I feel guily looking after me and not him...I know I shouldnt but I cant help how I feel at the moment.

Thank you...

Sueski

And then you feel guilty for how you "should" feel!! Give yourself a break - feeling guilty for taking care of yourself is okay. Whatever you feel is okay. Feelings just are. It's what you do with them that counts. Just take a deep breath and then take care of yourself anyway.

If he's serious and there are AA meetings nearby, that might be good for him. Suggest it and then let go the outcome. And I promise, I know how hard that is. The heck with one day at a time - this is one minute at a time.

Just keep on taking care of you.

Titanic

One Day at a Time. Count only on that.

Great you went to Al-Anon! Try different groups and make at least six meetings. It'll give you a better feel for what you need.

Feeling weird about taking care of yourself, especially when the SO is just recently sober, is normal. We're so focused on getting them well, and have been for months and years.

Yes to suggesting AA for him but, like Sueski said, "let go" of the outcome. It practically has to be 100% his will to go if AA recovery is to take hold.

Best wishes!

VanillaSpice

Today is the day my AB has appointment with Psychologist, please god let him make that app. This weekend was very difficult for him, on saturday he said he was at a crossroads, and didnt know what to do. He spent the evening with me so no alcohol. He had no interest in talking, going out to do anything or even eating. Today is the beginning of day 8 for him, he looks dreadful, black circles under his eyes, pale faced, aches and pains everywhere. Can I trust him to make it to this app??? do i go there to see if he has really gone or just believe him when he says he has? I am so anxious, and this feeling of dread that things are going way too smoothly...am waiting for the dissapointment to hit. This morning I prayed for him that god will see him thro all this.

mdkathy62

Hi VanillaSpice,

Thank you for sharing. I hope he does make it to the Psychologist...

I just left my ex alcoholic bf last week. In March of this year, he began going to AA after getting a DUI. I remember being very hopeful, very happy. He continued to go 3-4 times a week, reading the book, got himself a sponsor, got his chips in AA, etc. I remember his mom and I being VERY happy. He really changed. He was happy, confident, focused on school, and the way he carried himself totally changed. He admitted he was an alcoholic to people. Then by the end of August, I noticed his behaviors started changing back to how he was before, but I didn't see him drink. He was depressed again going into his episodes where he ignored me for days and days and we lived together. He was isolating himself again.

This happened for about two months. He was up and down and up and down and we couldn't figure out why. He was still going to AA, we didn't see him drink so what was the problem? A few weeks ago, we found out through a credit card bill that he relapsed and lied about it. It explained all the old behaviors. Everything I feared the most happened. Not only did he relapse, but he denied it. He went as far as to say his sponsor said he didn't relapse, that it was normal to use while starting out in recovery--not true. I remember thinking, ok he's getting help. Everything is going to change for the better. I was ready to marry this man once he finished school, but after this relapse, I saw that it's not that easy. Six months sober and he let it all go. He went back to lying, to hiding things, stealing money, and more lying. It was sad...I couldn't take it anymore. I had to ask myself, am I ready to be on this up and down rollercoaster for the REST of my life? Every good couple of months was followed by a horrible horrible couple of months. Any progress he created crumbled in a matter of destructive choices. Six months sober and two months of lying while relapsing. It just doesn't make sense how everything crumbled so fast...

Take care of yourself VanillaSpice. I wish I did...now I am rebuilding myself from scratch.

Hopeworks

Vanilla Spice,

If you help him at this critical stage by running his recovery for him you may cripple him more than help him...I believe I did this for my now XA. I helicoptered and managed his recovery... worrying and obsessing and that only increases the pressure and resentment in the A.

AA and Alanon can be so life changing for those who seek them out. However, in my opinion and many others there are two fellowships in each group... the meetings and the actual 12 step program of recovery.

Meetings are just the beginning and I have found that they opened the door to a new way of life and perspective that brings freedom, peace and serenity... I am still on that journey today but I was RIGHT where you are at one time.

My name is Hopeworks... and all my hope was for my A but now all my hope is for YOU... yes ... you.

Looking back I was so sick for the A and now I set him free to live or die... and today he lives. He is sober and got that way on his own. He had to or he would have most likely died without my enabling.

But... my happiness and my peace is not based on his drinking or not drinking. His choices are his choices and his recovery is his recovery and mine is mine.

Please continue going to alanon meetings and read codependent no more by beattie and keep coming back. It's a journey of one day at a time and more will be revealed.

VanillaSpice

Hi mdkathy62, im so sorry to hear this has happened to you, I can feel the pain you are feeling in the pit of my stomach, its that im being let down again feeling, and is such a dreadful place to be. this is what I fear the most, after al the roller coaster rides over the past Im building myself up for dissapointment, and am prepared for the worst to happen this evening. Your boyfriend had gone so far and yet he took the wrong turn at the end of the six months. I hope you will be ok thro all of this hurt. xxx

VanillaSpice

Hi Hopeworks, thank you for your reply, I can see what you are saying and sometimes I need to be reminded that I cant make him do any of this for his recovery, he needs to want to do it himself. Im still just only coming to terms with all of this, and am at such an early stage of learning about how to let go and look after myself, but honestly i think i am slowly making baby steps and getting there. I have hope for me too as I love life and want to be happy, life is way too short for being miserable. I have spent a lot of time here on SR since I have joined and it has elped me so much...So thank you...

mdkathy62

Hi VanillaSpice,

Thank you for your comforting words. I agree with Hopeworks. I too also "helicoptered and managed his recovery". For the first 2-3 months, I drove my ex to AA every night because he didn't have his car back yet after his DUI. I'd go to work all day, then drive him to AA, then drop him off at his apartment, then drive 30 minutes back to my home. I would get home at 10/11pm at night depending on when the meetings ended. Eventually, it got to be too much so his mom also started driving him. When he got his car back, we started to let him go alone. We knew his sponsor from all the meetings he went to and he reminded us that we can't babysit his recovery. So we started letting him go alone. It was fine for awhile, but one of the times he was drinking again was when he said he went to AA, but instead went to the bar.

No matter how hard we try, truly at the end of the day, we can't chaperone them into recovery. It simply doesn't work. When we found out he relapsed, his mom now still chaperones him to AA...he stopped going the 3-4 times he was typically going and now only goes twice a week when his mom goes with him. It just doesn't work that way. Here was a guy who was so passionate about AA, he even became the secretary in the meetings and I was so proud of him. He was so confident, so happy, but it was all an act. He was living the life of a recovered alcoholic, but it was just an act.

Please please, whatever you can do...take care of yourself. In retrospect, I wish I had listened to all my friends. I remember each friend who doubted him, I got really upset with them. I stopped talking to them until they were supportive. Often times, I took one achievement of his and exaggerated it to no end. Other times, he slipped up but I would try to portray it as 'he slipped up but he's back to it again, he's very determined' so my friends wouldn't tell me to stop.

It was hard...a lot of people in AA loved us. They kept hugging us, telling him not to slip up and telling me to stick with him. I tried...I really wished he had kept his end of the bargain. There's no way I can make you do anything, but I wish I had never taken him back the times that I did...I could be in a much different place now had 2 years ago I not taken him back. Instead, it ends now after 3 years of being together. I could have saved so many tears, heartache, money...everything...I hope yours recovers, or I hope you reach a point where it's not too late to walk away.