Originally Posted by VanillaSpice

Hi all, my name is madie, I am new here and looking for I suppose some support in what I am experiencing at the moment. I feel as if my life is over and im devestated at my boyfriend of 2 years and his drinking. The emotional rollercoaster that im on and I feel as if its like having this lovely box of chocolates in front of me but when i open them some are poison and i never know which one im going to get each day. I have read some of the posts and its like reading my own life story. please someone help me. I cant eat, sleep or function at any level. As i type we have split up yet again as he is on a major beer drinking, wallowing in self pity couple of days. I get a text to say we are finished. I know he has done this as I have been asking him to try to get help, so with me out of the way he doesnt have to justify his drinking to anyone, until he becomes ill and rings me to say he is sorry, the usual bull, he loves me, misses me, his life wiould not be complete with out me rubbish. like all the others posting, he is a lovely person when he is sober, and that used to last for maybe 2 weeks, but the days are getting closer now and he seems to be drinking every second day. He doesnt just drink until he is drunk, he drinks until he falls down and makes a nuisance of himself, hangs out of people, makes rude remarks. It has gone to the stage he is now missing mostly fridays or mondays at work, and he works in a small town for a big multinational, the guys at work are covering for him when he goes off early in the day to drink, he is going to get into trouble as a work mate of his called me this evening to tell me that people are talking about him and there have been some serious remarks about him missing days because of drink.I know I didnt make him an alcoholic, nor can i make him get help, and I certainly cant cure him. I need help for me, to try to deal with this as i feel im going mad. its the not knowing if he has gone to work, is he in the pub, will he come home, will he be safe, what will i do if anything happens to him, is he telling me the truth when he says things, it has gotten to the stage where I dont believe or trust him anymore, we dont live together, but he does or used to stay with me maybe 3-4 nights in the week, that has dwindled as he is staying out drinking in his own town now which is about 30 miles away and his excuse is a taxi is too expensive, but he aways has money for drink. Im probably not even making any sense in this post, but i feel nothing makes sense any more, and im feeling so detached from my body its frightning. I have no one to talk to about this except my Boyfriend and there is no point in doing that. Please id really appreciate some words of wisdom.

Madie...

Originally Posted by VanillaSpice

Feeling so lonely today, extreme waves of sadness and tears...am so trying to be strong.....I feel i'm being eaten away from the inside...lots of text being sent to me, but I have not replied...the last text was telling me id always be alone, that i'm old and ugly, that no one would ever bother looking at me...I think that's how he is feeling now, and he is still shocked that I finally left him and he is angry about that.....but, I miss him, I miss the old him, not the alcoholic.....

one hour at time, please dear god get me thro it..

Originally Posted by backtolifeforme

Please think about going to an AlAnon meeting to help yourself because his drinking is out of your control & nothing you can do or say will help him get sober. He needs to want to stop drinking for himself & enter + commit to recovery for himself (sobriety & recovery are two different things). AlAnon is for the A's loved ones.

Make no mistake that you will be sacrificing more of your mental health if you do choose to stay & if you stay long enough, you may suffer some physical health downfalls as well. No one who is in a relationship with an active A gets out without having some personal collateral damage. This is a terrible illness & not many make it through recovery despite repeated efforts. You need to know the demon you are dealing with in order to make the best decision for your life & your future. This illness is progressive & it will get worse without treatment. If you do plan to stay, make sure you learn as much as you can about this illness & about detaching so you can somewhat protect yourself emotionally.

I stayed in my relationship for over 13+ years doing everything & anything I could think of. Nothing worked. My XAB refused to give up his first love, alcohol & refused to stick to any recovery program. When I've kicked him out in the past, he'd run to his A Mom's place & she'd enable him. When his A Mom would get fed up, I'd take him back & enable him. Someone was always there to enable so he never really hit rock bottom. I terminated the relationship last Fall & this time it was permanent. It took me almost a full year to prep breaking up with him. I still love him but it's a different kind of love now mixed with some pity. I realized awhile back that he doesn't have the skills needed to sustain a relationship nor does he have coping skills needed to deal with real life on a daily basis. I chose to go to AlAnon & go into counselling to heal myself & get better from being such a codependent. He chose to keep drinking & self destructing.

Some examples of the progression with my XAB:

- Drank socially until 2 yrs into our r/l when I discovered he was an alcoholic coming from a long line of alcoholics. After my discovery, he began to hide vodka bottles.

- 4 years in, I saw that he blamed every job loss on employer or coworkers. It was never his fault, ever. 6 years in, he was found passed out in his car in parking lot of workplace. I found out by his coworker calling me. He blamed it on his workplace & was still harping about how crappy they are up til last year. Probably still trashes them to anyone who will listen, I don't know since I'm out of picture by choice.

- Started driving drunk without my knowledge 5 years in. Got 2 DUIs. First one he blamed on the cops, the second he blamed on me. It didn't matter that the reason he got the DUIs was because he decided to drink then drive - it was someone else's fault.

- Lost his driver's license 8 years in & blamed that on me. Despite the fact it was taken away from him due to repeated DUI infractions.

I was completely deluded to think that if I gave more, loved more, supported more...he'd 'get it' & go find some help. The only time he ever entered any kind of recovery was when he thought he was losing me but it wasn't something he genuinely wanted to do - it was manipulation. Attempts to get me back that worked in the past but not anymore. Every time I'd take him back because he'd show me he was trying to do better, he'd be great for a short period & then revert back to being a verbally abusive drunk. I do not miss the anxiety I felt on a daily basis. I do not miss being thrown in the middle between AXB & his nutty A Mom. I do not miss being blamed for his downfalls in life. I enjoy feeling safe in my home. I enjoy being around emotionally mature & happy people. I enjoy not having to be a pseudo parent to a man child alcoholic with underlying mental health issues. Life is too short. It took me ages to see these realities!

Originally Posted by VanillaSpice

having a real bad day today...feeling lost and sad several months after break up.....he is still my first and last thought each day....and I miss him...

Originally Posted by VanillaSpice

having a real bad day today...feeling lost and sad several months after break up.....he is still my first and last thought each day....and I miss him...