VanillaSpice

hi, I have no plans to bring him to any meetings, he needs to do that by himself. Im on tenderhooks at the thought that he may not go and then tell me he has. I need to know if he lies to me and doesnt go. Is this how it goes? always wondering if its the truth or not, just waiting, waiting, waiting for the next bomb to go off and the lies??? Why do i hurt so much for him????

mdkathy62

I can't speak for everyone, but that's how it was for me for most of our relationship. I was always wondering if he was telling the truth or not. Even when he had proof, I would still question it. After 2 years of dating, the six months he was sober was the best time. I didn't worry if he was telling the truth or not. I knew he was. But the minute I caught the first lie, more and more kept coming in and that's when he relapsed. It's tough...to constantly be on your toes for the next lie. Sometimes I lie in bed now and think about things from the past and wonder if there were any more lies then the ones I found and guarantee you there were more, I just didn't find them =/

I hurt so much for my ex because, as I've learned on SR, I was addicted to him. He was to me like a drink was to him. The drink makes him feel better just like he makes me feel better. But that moment when he has to face himself and his choices, when he's depressed, that's when I feel that way too. My moods changed with his. There would be a few days where he would be down and I could handle it. I would go about my business, let him isolate himself, skip all responsibilities, and do my thing, but after 2-3 days, I would break. I would blow up at him because I thought if I gave him space, he'd reward me by coming out of his isolation on his own, but it didn't happen that way. I always felt like, man if I can take care of me for a few days then he should be able to pull himself up right?? It didn't happen that way. In fact, blowing up at him would just make things worse. I would get NO response. Often times, he would actually close his eyes while I was talking. Once, he even covered his face with a blanket. And that reaction just made me feel worse. Nothing good comes from trying to "reason" with someone who's irrational. It felt like there was no way out but OUT.

VanillaSpice

Hi again mdcathy62, I feel that too that the only way out is out!!! im just not ready to give up on him yet. Thats sounds totally stupid, as im now saying to myself, what will it take for me to get out!!! will i ever be able to walk away if this doesnt work....my heart is aching at the thought of it...Im miserable with him and im miserable without him, but the latter will only last a short time, but if I stay it could be a life time, and physically and emotionally im not strong enough for that...I dont think so anyway, or if anyone is.. Can it be that he will stay sober? I pray to god he will. I am so glad I have found everyone here in SR, without you all I dont know how I would be doing!!!

Thank you...

VanillaSpice

my AB called to see me after his appointment this evening, I didnt ask how it went, he slowly started to talk about it as the evening went on. He said he couldnt stop smiling out of nervousness when he initially arrived, and that the Physcologist told him she didnt think he was ready to give up drinking, and that this appointment was just a get to know each other evening, and he is meeting her again next week. Im feeling so let down, why I dont know, I dont even know what i was expecting out of this meeting. A miracle maybe!!!!! He has just left and hugged me and said he would see me tomorrow and not to worry things will get better. Can I truely believe that things will get better?? This evening I feel empty, lost, sad, tearful, lonely, and more....

Hopeworks

HI Vanilla Spice,

Those "feelings" that make no sense in any rational sort of way are brain chemicals, hormones and attachment and in no way mean that you are "in love" or "in respect" with this person.

We are designed by nature to "not seperate" with our mates when we are in an intimate relationship for the procreation of the species and if you are so inclined to believe by God. Sometimes we are raised in an environment of chaos, confusion, dysfunction and in my case abuse and alcoholism and codependency. I grew up in that toxic lifestyle and I subconsciously seek mates that are broken so I can "fix them" and feed my chaos junkie cravings.

Thats just me... unraveling me... other people may have different stories and not have been raised in an alcoholic home but find themselves drawn to broken people that are not relationship material.

My XA convinced me he needed psychiatric drugs to stop drinking... he just got scripts to combine with his drinking! This does not mean that a GOOD psychiatrist that understands addiction cannot help someone if they have a dual diagnosis but a trip to a Dr. does not mean much if it isn't combined with an authentic program of recovery.

Baby steps... that is what you need to do for yourself... keep thinking it through with your rational side of your brain. Remember that feelings ... FEEL TERRIBLE... sometimes but they are feelings and they are not intelligent and they will pass eventually.

Alcoholism is progressive. Without serious, dedicated, diligent, honest, authentic recovery it will just be a rollercoaster of insanity. Learning to stay in my own hula hoop, detach from the drama and insanity helped me get my serenity groove back. I did it with this website, reading, counseling, alanon ... rinse and repeat! One day at a time ... baby steps!

Oh... do everything you can to distract yourself and stop the paralyzing thinking... walks, movies, hobbies... do something FUN! Change the thoughts a million times if you need too...

HOpe all that helps a little...

Rosiepetal

Welcome to SR & I know exactly how you are feeling.
It's been a few weeks for me now & in the beginning I felt really weird & detached. SR has helped me so much & given me the strength to carry on & better my life. We are all here for you. I know this sux believe me but perhaps just focus on one day at a time, or 1 hour at a time which is what I did to start. It's ok to feel how you are feeling & is probably necessary to go through it.
So glad you joined us.
I also found educating myself on alcoholism has helped a lot.

VanillaSpice

Hello my friends, well, we are on day 11 now and things seems to be good. my AB has bought a puppy as he feels it will be company for him and that he can get walking in the evenings, he is also gone today to view a house to buy. Am I expectng too much or could this be that he is really making an effort??? I have decided for me, to move to another city, and I have a job interview today...I havent been working for the last 2 months and because of him I didnt want to move, but I decided on thursday that its about me also and my needs so things are happening pretty quickly. I dont feel a bit guilty!!!! We spenty the evening together last night and it was quite nice, its been the first time I have a had a real hug in weeks. He said that things can only get better, that his mind is a little foggy at the moment and he apologised for not being motivated to do things but that in time he will feel better. Is this a false sense of security???? I dont know...only time will tell. I told him last night of my plans, and he was a little shocked, but has said he will travel to see me at the weekends, its up to him to get thro it, im not babysitting him anymore, if he wants to have a life with me he has a lot of work to do...if he doesnt well, im sure there is someone out there wo deserves me!!! so for now, its all about me, me, me ,me and more ME!!!! and im so excited to be making these changes just for me!!!!!!! If it all works out great, but at the moment i have made the choice to love him from a distance, and if he decides to go back to alcohol, im ready to close the door on him as gently as i opended it...it will hurt I know, but with time it will ease, and better a few months of heartache than a life time of misery!!

Thank you SR i have spent hours on this site every day, reading posts and educating myself, without you all i would have been lost...for today im strong and motivated, please dear god make me stronger every day....

Hugs to all....

SparkleKitty

Good for you VanillaSpice! Thanks for the update! You sound terrific, asking good questions, but letting go of outcomes, and taking care of yourself!

VanillaSpice

Hello everyone, im back again, and still in the same situation, wouldn't even know where to start really. AB drinking like there is no tomorrow, and I thought he was dry...as I had been working away, and wasn't seeing him all the time. but he isn't he has actually got worse. I took a break to spend a few days with him and didn't see him over that time except when he fell in the door legless drunk, he told me last night or should I say at 4am this morning when he came home from the pub hat he never loved me, that he didnt want me in his house, and get the F&^% out...and also that he had been flirting and meeting other women but never was intimate with them, he wouldn't be able anyway with the amount of alcohol in him going on my experience with him. He has been drinking in what I would call an absolute dump of a pub, with only hookers and drunk's frequenting it. He seems to like it there as he said no one judges him and he can be himself..how sad. I'm assuming he is with drunks so feels comfortable with them. He has bought an old house to renovate and the place is like a dump, he is too busy drinking to do anything to it, and money is running out fast for him. He is passing comments on how I look and why don't I do this to myself, or wear my hair this way, or he doesn't like this on me, or im tired looking, or im getting old and haggard looking or I will never be as fab as the girl around the corner, or look at that girl she is a stunner!! this is all I get every day, and yet im still here. there are days when I wish I would have to wake up to face the misery that he brings me, the good time used to outshadow the bad, but now its the reverse, and there are days I don't want to get up and face the world. I have stopped going out, am suffering bad from panic attacks, and feel so low, ugly, unloved, unwanted, I don't know how to cope with it anymore. I have always been so good to him, loved him with every fibre in me, and all I get is abuse...I know I have to get out of this, and I am away from it for some of the days in the week, but the worry of it, who is he with, is he sleeping with another woman, is he safe, if he is out drunk will he fall and hurt himself, or worse again someone might beat him up...im not sleeping, my weight has fallen rapidly, and I do look and feel so much older, my friends have said I have lost my spark, but none of them know my misery as I cant talk to them about it...I have been working long hour to try to catch up on bills that went unattended when I was unemployed, and he is out spending it quicker than I can make it...I need guidance, I need help, I need my life back, I just want to be happy is that too much to ask. I used to love life, id bounce out of bed in the mornings ready to face another day, and thankful that I could...no matter what life brought to my door I was always able to deal with it...now I cant...

AnvilheadII

seems like there is a person in your life hell bent on destroying themselves and taking you along with them. what if.......you cut him out of the picture? he's not getting better......and that is HIS choice, it's HIS life...but it does not have to be YOURS. you deserve better, but he cannot and will not give that to you. set yourself free and get back to living your one precious life!

VanillaSpice

I so want to be free of him, but I don't know how to be without him, I don't know where or how to start being without him...Im ashamed of myself for being like this, I love him so much, obviously he loves drink more..

thislonelygirl

If he gets in trouble at work...he should. All the covering up his co workers are doing is making it easier for him to do so and enabling.
If he doesnt want help. There isnt really anything you can do.
Weve all been there and been there long enough that what im saying is true.
When he calls to beg for you back.....how about no contact? Not answering or if you must.
Affirm to him that you can not tolerate him drinking and NOT seeking recovery.
Hope it works but the best thing for you youll find here and alanon

cr995

Vanillaspice - I was shocked and saddened to read your recent post. I really really feel for you. I did manage to leave my AH and yet I feel that I am trying everything to get back with him, but reading your post made me realize where I was. The life you describe was how mine was in the last months before I left. I remember looking out the window of our bedroom one day too depressed to get out of bed and I remember wanting to die. The only thing that stopped me was remembering that that is what happened to my mother who committed suicide and I did not want my family to ever feel like that because of me.

Your post gives me hope. why? Because your ABF sounds exactly the way my AH is behaving - and I realize that I am not alone and it's THEM not us. They are lying, trying to make us feel bad cos they feel bad.

I think al-anon is now my life line and sometimes you just have to go through the motions. Get out - figure out how to cope once you're away, if he gets better you can always go back. When I left it was for a 2 week holiday - that two weeks was obviously enough for me to start to think - my situation is not resolved - I still feel terrible at times - but at times I am okay and even content, I think things will get worse if you stay but better if you leave. pm me - I am in Ireland too. ((Hugs))

BoxinRotz

Why is he spending your money? Cut him off! You aren't married to him. Sometimes, (this is hard to do) you have to draw a big fat line in the sand and dare a fool to cross it!

He's drinking the life out of himself and sucking the life out of you in the process. If he wants to scream EFF YOU! YOU'RE NO GOOD! OOHHH LOOK AT HER!!! Show him the door on the way out of your life! You deserve to be treated with more respect than what he has shown you. When he calls and says I'm sorry... tell him, ME TOO! and hang up! That's when you can start your No Contact.

Stick around. Read the forums. We all share something in this life we live. We're like a big ole family here because we live it every single day!

*plays Merry-go-round music*

LexieCat

You can LEARN to live without him--trust me. Just because it looks unfamiliar and scary right now doesn't make it so. The reasons we suggest completely cutting off contact with him is that then you won't EXPECT to hear what is going on in his life.

Do you really think that your staying in his life will prevent anything bad from happening to him? If you break up with him, he is ALLOWED to sleep with other women. In fact, he's "allowed" to now, isn't he? If he took it in his head to do that, could you do anything to stop him? If he falls down and hurts himself or gets beat up because he is drunk, then he falls down and gets hurt or gets beaten up. YOU can't stop it.

I know I used to feel that if I worried enough I could somehow prevent things from happening. That makes about as much sense as crossing your fingers, and it's about as effective. You cannot prevent someone from destroying himself. You just aren't that powerful.

My strong suggestion is that you get to Al-Anon, and work on getting strong so you won't be at the mercy of someone else's disease--one he is unwilling to give up, even for himself, much less for you.

VanillaSpice

im so mad and annoyed today, he didn't come home again last night, and rang me to pick him up at his mothers, I said no way, and told him to get a taxi which he did and it cost him 20e which he wasn't happy about. I told him the diesel in my car wasn't free either. He has headed away for the night with his daughter, so I packed his bag very lovingly and while I was putting his jeans in the bag I had this awful evil thought of cutting the legs off them and he wouldn't know until he went to put them on tonight...so I did it, and I cant stop laughing over it...I know its just childish but its too late now, and besides I'm having such a giggle over it, its made my day. and I haven't smiled in a very long time. I'm packing my own bag now to head back to the city where I work in the morning, so I wont be here when he gets home. I'm going the no contact route as its the only way for my sanity id always have my phone on for him to ring or text me, but as we speak its off.

LexieCat

I totally get the temptation to do something like that, but destroying someone else's property is out of bounds. If you didn't want to pack for him, you should not have packed for him.

I'd suggest changing your number or blocking his calls.

VanillaSpice

hi lexicat, I understand what you are saying, but common you have to see the funny side of it, and besides I bought the jeans for him...and it wasn't that I didn't want to pack for him. I know it was childish but is done now...and I have bigger things to worry about...

dandylion

Dear Vanilla, good move in turning your phone off!! It is so true that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Every time you are tempted to make contact--remember the very BAD times.

Luv, he is destroying your mental and physical health, as well.

Alanon would be perfect for you, right now. If you feel reluctant to talk to others, right now---could you talk to the local minister or priest??

Baby steps---one day at a time.

sincerely, dandylion

BlueSkies1

When I hear of alcoholics, or non-alcoholics but just plain anybody--behaving this badly toward their partner--I think of children throwing temper tantrums. Maybe you could look at it that way too.
Your so-called bf is behaving like a 3 year old. Leave him and his temper tantrums to himself, and he will see where they get him. I like to think of an active alcoholic as a big 3 year old throwing a tantrum. But, you know, some of these behaviors you have described are not connected to alcholism directly, although they mirror it. They are other forms of tantrums. It's a let's see what I can get away with, or what she will put up with, tactic. Drinking is just one of those, but not aimed AT YOU, where the belittling, comparing other women, is aimed directly AT YOU.
Remember this--not all alcoholics will belittle their partners in this way. So that behavior is not part of alcoholism, or it would be a symptom in every alcoholic relationship. It certainly is acting out in one more way though, and testing you to see just how much of a fool he can make of you, how much his puppet.
I read once on these boards somewhere, an alcholic stated that codependents are a necessary thing to put up with to get their wants met, and they said so with a snarky attitude. This was eye-opening for me. It made me realize the lack of respect for the codependent, and the total using of the codependent to meet some goal. It was really honest what that person said. And it made me finally realize that WE decide how to let others treat us. Let's pretend your bf was a friend's kid, and you were babysitting that kid. The kid behaved incredibly badly, kicking and screaming, throwing things, saying awful stuff, Would you offer to watch that kid again for your friend? I sure wouldn't.
How about you stop babysitting this grown man? If he's sitting in his dilapitated house, drunk and stumbling and falling into furniture, who is he going to yell at if there's nobody else there when he throws his temper tantrum?
The initial phase of separation is the hardest. There's this panic, this fear, and overwhelming sadness IF we let it get to us. Separation anxiety. It's real, and it's difficult, but it's not forever. Like a drunk white-knuckling a day without alcohol, we too learn how to detach and white-knuckle it through those early days. Difficult? Yes. Impossible? No.