Really cool.............
 

Something really cool just happened. I was on the phone with S.O and I've been reading this AM the book Perfect Daughters, the part about RELATIONSHIPS and it described a pattern in there between an ACOA and a dominating/controlling male and ha ha ha the whole thing happened in our phone conversation. The cool part is I saw it/felt it happening and managed to stay out of it, responded differently and didn't end off feeling like a victim.

What does feeling like a victim mean to you guys/gals?

That book has been on my list for a while. There is also a book called Gaslighting, I don't remember the author. It's not specific to substance abuse issues, but it's really good for seeing the hidden manipulations we fall prey to. Good for you for changing the outcome of that conversation!!!

I feel like a victim when I'm afraid to be me because he'll be angry, or mock me, or dismiss me, or whatever me. Also when I try desperately to be understood, and it's clear that he doesn't even want to try because he's too wrapped up in his own stuff.

Playing the victim is when we continually blame someone else for the unhappiness in our lives. It keeps us constantly stuck and refusing to take responsibility for ourselves.

I see a lot of that mentality in women in general. I don't say that to be critical but to put a focus on it. I've certainly done it in my life, too. It's a huge challenge to change that mentality. BUT without changing it - we'll stay unhappy forever. Behind this person we're blaming is a long list of other people, and events, and circumstances - to pass the blame, too.

When in reality it comes down to the person we see in our own mirror. Even when in a tough spot, or difficult time - we can find and create some happiness. And really - it's not all to blame on the other guy - ever. We all have our stuff. :)

For me, that's the start of finding personal freedom. Take the focus off of blame and change it to - what can I do today within ME to make my life happy and healthy!