Helping Myself

Well, he did it again. And I'm so upset with myself for crying about it. He gets off work at 9:30 p.m. but he won't come home until 11:30 because of course he needs to go to the bar to "unwind". It's soooo stressful to come home to a quiet house with the kids in bed, ya know. Anyway, I called him...which also makes me upset because I'm supposed to be detaching myself...and it was 11:40, only 10 minutes past when he's supposed to be home, but he was still there. He hadn't even left yet. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was talking to so and so. I asked him what happened to 11:30 and he said he didn't even get to the bar until 10:45. Oh no! Not that! I said "oh" and he said "but i'm leaving after this beer". The only thing I did right was not yelling at him and I'm not going to mention it when he gets home either. But it really really hurts. And I don't want it to hurt anymore. He never ever comes straight home from work because that is just asking too much. Even though he drinks beer here too there's always some excuse about why he can't come home...like the beer is colder at the bar. Whatever!!! I'm sorry to vent and thank you to anybody who reads this, but I really needed to do this. Thank God I found this board because otherwise I think I would drive myself crazy eventually.
:banger

Alice Wonder

vent as much as you need to!!! sometimes it's all we have....and it helps. i am giving you a hug because you need one. ((((hug)))) i understand your pain and care that you are hurting. love- alice

DefofLov

:throb it'll be okay. i know it hurts to have him around, disappointment after disappointment. you will make it through this and we are here for you. God Bless.

Gabe

Hey Helping,
Vent away, that's what we're here for.
Imgaine a day where what he does (or doesn't do) doesn't affect you.
Now hold that thought.
Hugs, I hope you're feeling better today.
Peace,
Gabe

JT

Helping Myself,

Hi...I am sorry for your sadness. If you give it a little thought you might be able to consider that he can only cause you pain if you allow him to. That is where powerlessness fits in. When you admit you are powerless over what he does, what he does loses power.

Hugs,
JT

Rose56

Helping, I understand your pain. It is so painful living with an A. It sounds like you are trying to figure him out and "reason" with him about keeping his commitments. I struggle with this issue too, expecting him to be reasonable and somwhat responsible. The problem with that is that he has a disease that gets in the way of him behaving this way. Another thought: if you were to stop caring what time he gets home, perhaps he would wonder why? Why don't you care anymore? What's going on? Perhaps he might come home to find out. For awhile there I was doing well detaching from hubby and his "stuff". It is tough to maintain, but I have found that focusing on myself first makes me feel the best in this relationship. Sometimes it feels like I just have a roommate and not a partner. Hang in there, things will shift for you, they did for me, have faith. Also I care very much what is happening with you, please keep sharing, it helps all of us.

Helping Myself

Thank you all for your understanding and kind words. I really am trying to not let his actions affect me and to detach, but it is so hard!!!! I succeeded at it only one time and he was wondering what was wrong with me and why I didn't care at first, but then he seemed to think that was great because then I wouldn't be nagging him and crying. I shouldn't care how he reacts...only the peace that I feel by not reacting. I know I shouldn't have brought it up last night, but he wasn't drunk so I asked him what was so awful about being around me. He told me I am too negative. I didn't say this, but I was thinking "You're darn right I'm negative! I can't depend on you and you make me cry all the time." And then I re-thought it and remembered that I let him make me cry and the only one who could control my feelings was me. I really am trying, but breaking my codependent ways is so incredibly hard. I'm not giving up though. Someday, hopefully sooner than later, I will be at peace with myself. I will try harder next time (probably tonight) to not call him and to calm myself down and remember my life does not have to revolve around him. Thanks again for letting me vent. ((((Everybody here))))

sunflowergal29

...and it got me nowhere, except more miserable. Why can't he just be home, why can't I have someone reliable, more like my sister's husband or whoever, etc, etc. Why doesn't he love me?
The truth is that he DOES love me- the drinking is an addiction- but it is NOT him. Separating the man from the addiction is a hard one, but once I did it, I started noticing that HE wasn't so bad, but man do I hate the alcohol!!!
No, it doesn't mean its an excuse. Someone on here wrote (not sure if you read this or not but I got a lot out of it) that it is abnormal for someone with pneumonia to not present the symptoms of the illness, just like it is abnormal for an alcoholic to NOT present the symptom of their illness (including of course the wonderful drinking!!).
Next time he goes out, instead of picking that darn phone up, try just doing something YOU enjoy doing- taking a bubble bath, renting a good movie/watching a good program, or just coming on here, etc. Imagine what you would be doing if the drinking thing wasn't in your life- and then just do that. Tell yourself you will be ok- no matter what (because you will be, even if he never quits!!). Take care of you, treat yourself to the things YOU deserve, take time to just be you -WITHOUT being you, the one married to the alcoholic. The more I take care of me and do things I enjoy, the more I realize I am just as important as anyone else. Self-love- something that I didn't have when I wasn't in recovery. Take care- one day at a time, you'll start to feel better!!!
(((HUGS)))
-sfg29

greynblue

HM,

I totally know how you feel, the frustration I mean.
You said he didn't come home drunk, right? But he still needed to have a drink. He still feels he 'needs' to drink...to unwind or whatever. So then everything they do
(that we don't) related to drinking bothers us. Why does it upset us so much? They say that only we can control if they hurt us. Why would him coming home late hurt SO bad? Why do the relatively small things (compared to some of the horror stories I've read on Naranon and Alanon) bother us so much? Like you wrote,...there's nothing at home that requires "uwinding" before dealing with...there's beer at home, the kids are in bed.
Alcoholics can be so illogical. Is it that we can't possibly understand?

I hope I am making sense...I feel scatterbrained!
My mom in an A, and I have been working so hard trying not to let her habits get to me.

Grey

Helping Myself

Sunflower, I'm slowly coming to the realization of what you have said here. I'm doing good tonight. I've been here and at al-anon chat and I haven't been staring at the clock wondering if he will be home. And I haven't called. And my stomach isn't even in knots. I think I'm making progess!

Hi Grey. You are making sense. And I do think it's because we don't understand the disease. I am trying really hard to separate HIM from the DISEASE, but it's going to take time. I know I can do it though because I want to start taking care of me.

And guess what...he just pulled into the driveway. Early! Somebody catch me because I think I"m going to faint. Do miracles never cease???

sunflowergal29

Super job, girl!!!!