And the fear sweeps through me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 108
And the fear sweeps through me
One of those weird and crazy feelings happened today and i've been affected ever since. AS is drinking again, but of course, saying he is sober to any one who listens. I don't hear from him much lately and have been working hard on the detachment and my own calmness. Today my sweet daughter calls during her work day. She never does that. I instantly am overwhelmed with this physical sickness and fear. I think, "Oh God, something terrible has happened to AS." But the phone call had nothing to do with AS. I've had a lump in my throat since the call. I've cried several times and just can't shake the feeling of dread that comes with loving someone with this fierce disease. My AS is not being reasonable at this point and my relationship with him, his wife and children has taken a big hit. His wife is not communicating with me and he rarely does. I'm just so sad. Thanks for letting me talk and for listening so intently. I feel better having said it.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I agree with TuffGirl and strongly recommend you seek out the invaluable support of Al-Anon. I know that fear you feel very well and I know it is a stress response whereby your body releases adrenaline, cortisol, etc, which are very bad for your body when it is a regular occurrence. Stress kills. Please get it under control. If you will not go to Al-Anon, please read up on stress reduction and find some new behaviors to help you reduce this stress.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear leftover, please consider going to al-anon (or other similar group). They will understand your pain, sadness, fear, guilt, and helplessness that you have bottled up inside. Shedding tears with others that have shared what you are going through can help in a way that can't be put into words.
What will it help your son and family if you let this destroy YOU. nothing. You are meant to be happy---regardless of the rest of the world. They are responsible for themselves. You, alone, are responsible for yours.
Maybe, looking at it from this angle will help.
dandylion
What will it help your son and family if you let this destroy YOU. nothing. You are meant to be happy---regardless of the rest of the world. They are responsible for themselves. You, alone, are responsible for yours.
Maybe, looking at it from this angle will help.
dandylion
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
I understand the dread.
I think to myself, there are 24 hours in a day, 60 minutes in an hour and 60 seconds in a minute. 86,400 seconds and just under a third of them I'm asleep. That leaves about 60,000 seconds. How many of those seconds am I going to dwell on dread and how many am I going to enjoy doing something that actually gets me something or somewhere good?
I think to myself, there are 24 hours in a day, 60 minutes in an hour and 60 seconds in a minute. 86,400 seconds and just under a third of them I'm asleep. That leaves about 60,000 seconds. How many of those seconds am I going to dwell on dread and how many am I going to enjoy doing something that actually gets me something or somewhere good?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 108
Freedom, thanks for asking. I've given myself permission to walk out of this mess and be ok. I spoke to my AS recently and he's informed me he thinks AA and Alanon principles are BS. He says he's sober. doesn't consider binging to be "not sober". He has taken 1000 steps back and has no program, no faith, no God and, I fear, no hope. He sounded awful on the phone. I forced myself to go out last night and today I had friends for dinner. What I want to do is crawl in bed, pull the covers over my head and disappear. Very low right now and so tired of the worry. I wish my love could fix it. CAN'T, CAN'T CAN'T........I know he thinks I don't care about him,because i'm not supporting his new philosophy. Every time I talk to him or talk about him, a piece of me shatters. What a sad mess this is. Waiting for some bad news. The progression of this disease seems to accumulate as the years go by...faster and faster, worse and worse.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Can't, can't, can't - your words. Step 1. Powerless over him and alcoholism. Breathe deeply and Accept it. Embrace it.
Powerless doesn't mean helpless or hopeless though. You can and must find help for you. It's time to reframe.
Think of your DAS this way: every step he's taking down his difficult path brings him one step closer to finally and personally understanding the need, wanting and choosing to Start a sober recovery. He's on HIS path. He is one step closer to HIS fork on the road.
Every time the dread comes, replace it with that thought. He's even closer now than he ever was. And then DO something immediately that brings YOU joy so you get off YOUR dread, regret and worry filled path (the family's disease path) one step earlier ... so YOU understand, want and choose YOUR recovery sooner ... so YOU live One Day at a Time in joyous recovery sooner! Take the fork in YOUR road!
I hope and trust you will. Peace.
Powerless doesn't mean helpless or hopeless though. You can and must find help for you. It's time to reframe.
Think of your DAS this way: every step he's taking down his difficult path brings him one step closer to finally and personally understanding the need, wanting and choosing to Start a sober recovery. He's on HIS path. He is one step closer to HIS fork on the road.
Every time the dread comes, replace it with that thought. He's even closer now than he ever was. And then DO something immediately that brings YOU joy so you get off YOUR dread, regret and worry filled path (the family's disease path) one step earlier ... so YOU understand, want and choose YOUR recovery sooner ... so YOU live One Day at a Time in joyous recovery sooner! Take the fork in YOUR road!
I hope and trust you will. Peace.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Leftover,
I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I have been there.
The fear you are feeling is the opposite of faith and of hope. Without hope life becomes so dark. We can only release those we love to our HP and their HP if we have trust that God is and that He is capable of doing "whatever it takes" for our loved one to find their way out of addiction.
I spent years paralyzed as you are but I did the wrong things. I hovered, helicoptered, fixed and rationalized it all to myself. I crippled my A by forcing him into recovery time after time and made myself crazy in doing so.
You are doing the right thing but I agree with the other posters you have to take one more step for youself in your own recovery. Reach out to others in alanon who have walked in your shoes to help you in your own spiritual journey of trusting in your and his HP (as you understand him) to help your son find the truth about himself in his own time.
Sometimes the A's have to fall down several times... the bottoms can be scary but can be enlightening for them. There is more than one way out of addiction... but the spiritual path and a true psychic change is the strongest and bears the most fruit in my opinion.
My XA is now sober and he has been sober before but I do see profound changes in this recovery effort than the ones I engineered. He KNOWS he has to be responsible for his own recovery and that NO ONE will help him if he fails again. He is working 7 days a week since no one is loaning him money and the sober living facility will kick him out!
What if this had happened 4 years ago? Who knows? But I am wise enough now to know not to get all excited and hook back up with him because he is showing faint signs that it might stick this time!
Their recovery is a journey. Your recovery is a journey. Becoming strong yourself will be the best thing you can give yourself and your son. Had I started going to Alanon sooner (I was stubborn one) maybe things would have been different. Maybe they worked out just the way they were supposed to!
That is the beauty of it... we often just don't know. We have to develop some wisdom, tools for recovery, a support network, a program of recovery and trust in our HP to help us when we just don't know!
His HP knows. Just what he needs. Even if he hasn't met or believe in a HP... yet. Or maybe his recovery path with be Rational Recovery or some other way out.
You are in my prayers. Take care of you.
I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I have been there.
The fear you are feeling is the opposite of faith and of hope. Without hope life becomes so dark. We can only release those we love to our HP and their HP if we have trust that God is and that He is capable of doing "whatever it takes" for our loved one to find their way out of addiction.
I spent years paralyzed as you are but I did the wrong things. I hovered, helicoptered, fixed and rationalized it all to myself. I crippled my A by forcing him into recovery time after time and made myself crazy in doing so.
You are doing the right thing but I agree with the other posters you have to take one more step for youself in your own recovery. Reach out to others in alanon who have walked in your shoes to help you in your own spiritual journey of trusting in your and his HP (as you understand him) to help your son find the truth about himself in his own time.
Sometimes the A's have to fall down several times... the bottoms can be scary but can be enlightening for them. There is more than one way out of addiction... but the spiritual path and a true psychic change is the strongest and bears the most fruit in my opinion.
My XA is now sober and he has been sober before but I do see profound changes in this recovery effort than the ones I engineered. He KNOWS he has to be responsible for his own recovery and that NO ONE will help him if he fails again. He is working 7 days a week since no one is loaning him money and the sober living facility will kick him out!
What if this had happened 4 years ago? Who knows? But I am wise enough now to know not to get all excited and hook back up with him because he is showing faint signs that it might stick this time!
Their recovery is a journey. Your recovery is a journey. Becoming strong yourself will be the best thing you can give yourself and your son. Had I started going to Alanon sooner (I was stubborn one) maybe things would have been different. Maybe they worked out just the way they were supposed to!
That is the beauty of it... we often just don't know. We have to develop some wisdom, tools for recovery, a support network, a program of recovery and trust in our HP to help us when we just don't know!
His HP knows. Just what he needs. Even if he hasn't met or believe in a HP... yet. Or maybe his recovery path with be Rational Recovery or some other way out.
You are in my prayers. Take care of you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
