What to do - my dad doesn't like my bf who's trying to recover
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 145
Good morning everyone,
I apologize for feeling offended. I know you all have been in my shoes and why I continue to come here to push myself to hear the truth that is hard to hear. This weekend, I felt a lot of conflicting emotions and stayed away from the forum. I spent a lot of times reflecting on a lot of things, myself, the situations I've put myself in, etc. I felt like I couldn't do anything right. When I came back on here and saw everyone's supportive responses, I know I have to keep coming back.
One question that sticks in my mind is: is it not possible to be with someone who is a recovering alcoholic, he gets better as well as myself? It seems so doom and gloom. You all are right, he's not who I imagined I would be with. I've let my emotions cloud my judgments, forgive a lot of things I never thought I would forgive.
He went to apologize to my parents last week, ironically on his birthday. He gave my parents a check for $600 and told my parents that he was an alcoholic trying to recover. They didn't react well. They are, justifiably so, worried about me. I don't blame them. I'm starting to worry about myself as well. I'm starting to feel like on one hand, I can't speed up his recovery process, and on the other hand, I can't make my dad understand. All I can do is focus on me, but it's so difficult to organize my thoughts and do so without the bias of emotions.
I feel so helpless and so hopeless. It seems like everyone's experiences say that it's a small probability that this will work out. I had a long conversation with him yesterday, telling him that I think we have an expiration date. That the more I start to piece things, bit by bit, together, the more it feels like this isn't going to work the way I imagine it in my head, the more I realize I'm lying to myself.
I'm just really confused. I have so many thoughts. Thank you everyone for your support. I truly appreciate everyone's honesty, even though it is hard to hear, I do think about what everyone says over and over again. I'm pushing myself to share and I hope everyone continues to share their stories as well. Thank you.
I apologize for feeling offended. I know you all have been in my shoes and why I continue to come here to push myself to hear the truth that is hard to hear. This weekend, I felt a lot of conflicting emotions and stayed away from the forum. I spent a lot of times reflecting on a lot of things, myself, the situations I've put myself in, etc. I felt like I couldn't do anything right. When I came back on here and saw everyone's supportive responses, I know I have to keep coming back.
One question that sticks in my mind is: is it not possible to be with someone who is a recovering alcoholic, he gets better as well as myself? It seems so doom and gloom. You all are right, he's not who I imagined I would be with. I've let my emotions cloud my judgments, forgive a lot of things I never thought I would forgive.
He went to apologize to my parents last week, ironically on his birthday. He gave my parents a check for $600 and told my parents that he was an alcoholic trying to recover. They didn't react well. They are, justifiably so, worried about me. I don't blame them. I'm starting to worry about myself as well. I'm starting to feel like on one hand, I can't speed up his recovery process, and on the other hand, I can't make my dad understand. All I can do is focus on me, but it's so difficult to organize my thoughts and do so without the bias of emotions.
I feel so helpless and so hopeless. It seems like everyone's experiences say that it's a small probability that this will work out. I had a long conversation with him yesterday, telling him that I think we have an expiration date. That the more I start to piece things, bit by bit, together, the more it feels like this isn't going to work the way I imagine it in my head, the more I realize I'm lying to myself.
I'm just really confused. I have so many thoughts. Thank you everyone for your support. I truly appreciate everyone's honesty, even though it is hard to hear, I do think about what everyone says over and over again. I'm pushing myself to share and I hope everyone continues to share their stories as well. Thank you.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
mdk, Thanks for coming back. I know I was worried about you and can't imagine I was alone in that.
It's normal to feel helpless, hopeless, and confused. You won't always feel that way, but getting out of it takes time and courage. I think just being aware that you don't know what you want is the first step to figuring it out.
It's normal to feel helpless, hopeless, and confused. You won't always feel that way, but getting out of it takes time and courage. I think just being aware that you don't know what you want is the first step to figuring it out.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi MDKathy,
First, you don't need to apologize for your feelings. Most of us felt defensive when we first reached out for help regarding the alcoholic we love(d). We identified strongly with the alcoholic, loved them deeply, and often cared for and about them better than we cared for and about ourselves.
I don't know how old you are but I am guessing by your ABF's age that you are in your young 20s. At this age we are confronted with so many choices, and it's such a crucial time. Your parents not liking your BF probably has much to do with what they want for you in the future. They see his behavior and his alcoholism differently than you likely do. I think the big question for you is this: What does it mean to be in a long-term relationship with someone who is an alcoholic? If you spend some time here on SR F&F, and read the stories people post here, you will get a good idea about what this means. Sure, it is possible that an alcoholic can recover and go on to have a good relationship. But what are the chances of that happening? Recovery is not just quitting drinking alcohol. It is a lifelong commitment and requires lifelong effort. Here on F&F we describe life with an alcoholic as a rollercoaster. It is an unstable, unpredictable, often chaotic life. And yes, it is often pretty doom and gloom.
You say you feel helpless and hopeless. How long have you felt this way? Do you know why you feel this way? If you did not have a relationship with a person who is an alcoholic, would you have reason to feel so helpless and hopeless? Having alcoholism and alcoholics in our lives makes us feel helpless and hopeless, among many other horrible things. I do not wish it on my worst enemy.
You don't tell much about your own self, your own life, your education, etc. Is this because the focus is always on the alcoholic, the fact that the alcoholic is in your life, the alcoholic's behavior, whether he did or did not do one thing or another? Alcoholism has a way of taking over all the good in life, and replacing it with a sick and dysfunctional rollercoaster ride. Sometimes it gets better for a little while and then it gets a lot worse. Sometimes life with an alcoholic is pure hell. The disease of alcoholism is progressive, and predictable. If you educate yourself about the disease, this will help you to make the best decision for yourself.
The challenges of life are difficult enough. When you add alcoholism or other drug addiction into the picture, even everyday responsibilities can become huge hurdles. It is easier to live life with a partner who does not have alcoholism. If it were my choice, at such a young age, I would free myself from the helplessness and hopelessness of alcoholism, and find someone who has similar values and goals, and who is moving positively forward, in life. People with alcoholism get stuck in many ways; physically, intellectually, emotionally, financially, vocationally. Do you want someone in your life who is going to hold you back? Or someone who is going to challenge and encourage you to build toward a better future?
You may also want to ask yourself why you are attracted to and in a relationship with an alcoholic. Al-Anon could be a good place to start investigating this. As is reading books such as Codependent No More (Beattie) and Under the Influence (Millam & Ketchum).
First, you don't need to apologize for your feelings. Most of us felt defensive when we first reached out for help regarding the alcoholic we love(d). We identified strongly with the alcoholic, loved them deeply, and often cared for and about them better than we cared for and about ourselves.
I don't know how old you are but I am guessing by your ABF's age that you are in your young 20s. At this age we are confronted with so many choices, and it's such a crucial time. Your parents not liking your BF probably has much to do with what they want for you in the future. They see his behavior and his alcoholism differently than you likely do. I think the big question for you is this: What does it mean to be in a long-term relationship with someone who is an alcoholic? If you spend some time here on SR F&F, and read the stories people post here, you will get a good idea about what this means. Sure, it is possible that an alcoholic can recover and go on to have a good relationship. But what are the chances of that happening? Recovery is not just quitting drinking alcohol. It is a lifelong commitment and requires lifelong effort. Here on F&F we describe life with an alcoholic as a rollercoaster. It is an unstable, unpredictable, often chaotic life. And yes, it is often pretty doom and gloom.
You say you feel helpless and hopeless. How long have you felt this way? Do you know why you feel this way? If you did not have a relationship with a person who is an alcoholic, would you have reason to feel so helpless and hopeless? Having alcoholism and alcoholics in our lives makes us feel helpless and hopeless, among many other horrible things. I do not wish it on my worst enemy.
You don't tell much about your own self, your own life, your education, etc. Is this because the focus is always on the alcoholic, the fact that the alcoholic is in your life, the alcoholic's behavior, whether he did or did not do one thing or another? Alcoholism has a way of taking over all the good in life, and replacing it with a sick and dysfunctional rollercoaster ride. Sometimes it gets better for a little while and then it gets a lot worse. Sometimes life with an alcoholic is pure hell. The disease of alcoholism is progressive, and predictable. If you educate yourself about the disease, this will help you to make the best decision for yourself.
The challenges of life are difficult enough. When you add alcoholism or other drug addiction into the picture, even everyday responsibilities can become huge hurdles. It is easier to live life with a partner who does not have alcoholism. If it were my choice, at such a young age, I would free myself from the helplessness and hopelessness of alcoholism, and find someone who has similar values and goals, and who is moving positively forward, in life. People with alcoholism get stuck in many ways; physically, intellectually, emotionally, financially, vocationally. Do you want someone in your life who is going to hold you back? Or someone who is going to challenge and encourage you to build toward a better future?
You may also want to ask yourself why you are attracted to and in a relationship with an alcoholic. Al-Anon could be a good place to start investigating this. As is reading books such as Codependent No More (Beattie) and Under the Influence (Millam & Ketchum).
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Please read SadHeart's post, especially her post #2, regarding spouses of alcoholics and how the children are affected. Ask yourself if you want to take the chance of providing such an upbringing for your children.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-children.html
I will also share with you that when I first discovered the Recovery community, and started to learn about the disease and how it had affected me, I resolved that it was my DUTY to protect my unborn children from this disease. I hope you will too.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-children.html
I will also share with you that when I first discovered the Recovery community, and started to learn about the disease and how it had affected me, I resolved that it was my DUTY to protect my unborn children from this disease. I hope you will too.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 48
Part of the disease of alcoholism is isolation. If you are a couple and people do not appreciate the behavior of your boyfriend, they might not want to be with the two of you together. These folks include your parents. It could be that in your twenties, you have friends that accept getting drunk as "fun" or at least acceptable. But drinking gets worse and it gets much less acceptable as you get older. If you want a future with this fellow, it's important to know what you're getting into.
Just to share my experience, I married a man who my parents tolerated during our engagement. They never said anything about their doubts because they loved me. Ten years later, they are moving away from us because they say that my family is "depressing." They can't be around us.
Like so many others, they cannot tolerate the person that my husband becomes when he drinks. This has left me feeling abandoned and guilty, guilty that my decision to marry him and stay so long will affect my six year old children who will be devastated when their Mimi and Pop-Pop move away.
My husband is two weeks into recovery but there are some things that I will never get back. The relationship with my parents may be one of those things.
I'm grateful that your boyfriend has been sober for seven months.
However, I thought that sobriety would solve all my problems. However, for now, I'm stuck with the isolation. I am also stuck with the question (and I know that it's early) whether I like being around my husband sober or not.
He doesn't turn into a different person because he stops drinking, or at least the transformation will be very slow. Can I get along with the person who he really is? I don't know and it's the question that you might want to ask yourself. Especially, given that you might be having to go through this journey alone, depending on how many people he's alienated while drinking.
Just to share my experience, I married a man who my parents tolerated during our engagement. They never said anything about their doubts because they loved me. Ten years later, they are moving away from us because they say that my family is "depressing." They can't be around us.
Like so many others, they cannot tolerate the person that my husband becomes when he drinks. This has left me feeling abandoned and guilty, guilty that my decision to marry him and stay so long will affect my six year old children who will be devastated when their Mimi and Pop-Pop move away.
My husband is two weeks into recovery but there are some things that I will never get back. The relationship with my parents may be one of those things.
I'm grateful that your boyfriend has been sober for seven months.
However, I thought that sobriety would solve all my problems. However, for now, I'm stuck with the isolation. I am also stuck with the question (and I know that it's early) whether I like being around my husband sober or not.
He doesn't turn into a different person because he stops drinking, or at least the transformation will be very slow. Can I get along with the person who he really is? I don't know and it's the question that you might want to ask yourself. Especially, given that you might be having to go through this journey alone, depending on how many people he's alienated while drinking.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Maybe your dad is right...
...and maybe he doesn't like him because he's an alcoholic and or/drug addict. And maybe you are attributing it to racism because you don't want to accept your Dad's point of view.
Good luck!
Cyranoak
Good luck!
Cyranoak
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 78
mdkathy! 
Add me to the list of people who are glad you came back! No need to apologize for being offended, confused, or what have you. I can't speak for everyone, but sometimes I feel these forums are like I have a time machine and I'm going back to warn my past self... Yelling ensues!
And believe me, I wanted to smash my up my laptop after a few posts I read on my own thread. But being challenged by pragmatic reality helped jump start my own recovery. This is no time to be romantic! Keep keeping yourself in mind.
Add me to the list of people who are glad you came back! No need to apologize for being offended, confused, or what have you. I can't speak for everyone, but sometimes I feel these forums are like I have a time machine and I'm going back to warn my past self... Yelling ensues!And believe me, I wanted to smash my up my laptop after a few posts I read on my own thread. But being challenged by pragmatic reality helped jump start my own recovery. This is no time to be romantic! Keep keeping yourself in mind.
We all deserve respect & love
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 46
I'm Chinese & my parents had a bigger issue with my XAB being an alcoholic than they did with him being from a different race. Of course I didn't listen. I defended my XAB for years. It ended up in flames. Last Nov. I terminated r/l after 13+ years with a lot of emotional damage that I am still repairing. He was sweet when sober & did some nice things. If they didn't have some goodness in them that was shown to us, none of us would have been hooked for so long. Some of us are more prone to be baited & hooked due to our own history & experiences. The last few years up until I ended things, have been a living hell - I make no qualms about that. Should have left years ago but needed to reach my own emotional bottom & realize there is absolutely nothing more I could do for him BUT could help myself break my own cycle with choosing men who aren't very healthy for me. I had to get real honest with myself & take some responsibility for repeatedly engaging. I agree with Cyranoak.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 145
Good morning everyone,
Thank you all for sharing. The past week has been an emotional one for me. While he and I haven't spoken much, I've been looking at myself a lot more, trying to lay out the facts, my fears of leaving, my fears of staying, and trying to be honest--where is this relationship going?
Thank you backtolifeforme. You hit it on the head when you mentioned the good moments. Everytime it gets to these points, I always think "if he was good before, he can be good again", but maybe all along I should have been saying "if he was bad before, he can be bad again". I'm slowly putting the pieces together and slowly trying to build the courage to leave AND to stick with my decision because God knows, I have tried to leave before and always got sucked back in.
I started thinking about all the positives that will come from leaving: I will be able to focus at work again, I won't be waiting by the phone, I won't have to lie for him, I will be able to do the things I like to do without having to feel bad and sit at home and be miserable with him, I will be able to just...be at peace again. I always hope that if I say something, or do something, that magically it will just "click" in his head and he'll reach some sort of epiphany, but if a DUI and going to jail for a few days only helped things "click" for six months, how are my words and actions going to make things "click" for any longer?
It makes me feel like he doesn't love me. Was I just part of his survival tactics? Another person to take care of him? I guess I'll never know and I'm getting so exhausted, almost numb, that I don't want to bother finding out. In the past, whenever I tried to leave, I thought it would "wake him up" or at least I hoped it did. Now...I just want to be alone. Alone with my own thoughts, take care of myself, and just be away from this anchor that I've tied to my leg for so long.
I have a lot of fears with leaving him. What if he does recover and I missed out? What if he crashes and burns? It will break my heart. But I know I have to build the courage to leave. I can't say it will be today or tomorrow, but it will be when I'm 110% courageous enough to not only take the step, but to stick to it, and I hope, I pray that I can and will stick to it.
Thank you all for sharing. The past week has been an emotional one for me. While he and I haven't spoken much, I've been looking at myself a lot more, trying to lay out the facts, my fears of leaving, my fears of staying, and trying to be honest--where is this relationship going?
Thank you backtolifeforme. You hit it on the head when you mentioned the good moments. Everytime it gets to these points, I always think "if he was good before, he can be good again", but maybe all along I should have been saying "if he was bad before, he can be bad again". I'm slowly putting the pieces together and slowly trying to build the courage to leave AND to stick with my decision because God knows, I have tried to leave before and always got sucked back in.
I started thinking about all the positives that will come from leaving: I will be able to focus at work again, I won't be waiting by the phone, I won't have to lie for him, I will be able to do the things I like to do without having to feel bad and sit at home and be miserable with him, I will be able to just...be at peace again. I always hope that if I say something, or do something, that magically it will just "click" in his head and he'll reach some sort of epiphany, but if a DUI and going to jail for a few days only helped things "click" for six months, how are my words and actions going to make things "click" for any longer?
It makes me feel like he doesn't love me. Was I just part of his survival tactics? Another person to take care of him? I guess I'll never know and I'm getting so exhausted, almost numb, that I don't want to bother finding out. In the past, whenever I tried to leave, I thought it would "wake him up" or at least I hoped it did. Now...I just want to be alone. Alone with my own thoughts, take care of myself, and just be away from this anchor that I've tied to my leg for so long.
I have a lot of fears with leaving him. What if he does recover and I missed out? What if he crashes and burns? It will break my heart. But I know I have to build the courage to leave. I can't say it will be today or tomorrow, but it will be when I'm 110% courageous enough to not only take the step, but to stick to it, and I hope, I pray that I can and will stick to it.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
Originally Posted by mdkathy62 
I have a lot of fears with leaving him. What if he does recover and I missed out? What if he crashes and burns? It will break my heart.
The one just like your boyfriend but without the alcoholism, the character defects, and the bad genes to pass on to your children and grandchildren and great grandchildren, the one your parents like...?
And you never have/had to lie for him. It was always a choice you made. You didn't HAVE to do it.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 93
I can feel you pain and high hopes. I too had them with my ExAbf. The only wisdom that I can share is...
-They have become who they want to be. Regardless of if it is due to the disease or not... the choices they make are their own.
-My family did not exactly approve of the fact that he was not driven,could not support me, nor having anything to provide for a healthy future(financially)
My parents only braved through it because he "treated me well" He did for may years but when the addiction reared it's ugly head, that went out the window. I kept it all a secret because I desperately did not want my family to disapprove.
- When you take a step back, you realize that you should be PROUD to be with whoever you are with. I am not saying that a recovering addict is not someone to be proud of but a recovering addict that does not put in 100% is nothing to be proud of.
-We ALL have choices. Your choices are you own. You can disregard your father's opinion but take a second to think about why he would only want the best for you.
- Someone who can not be changed from an outsider will only continue to do what they want. It may change for a month,two,or a year but only if the change was made by the choice of the addict will it stick.
-You are by no means wrong for wanting the things that you do from a significant other. Just know that you can not mold someone into having these qualities. They are who they are but you DO have the choice to stay and accept or walk away and be with a person that better fits the kind of person that you deserve!
-They have become who they want to be. Regardless of if it is due to the disease or not... the choices they make are their own.
-My family did not exactly approve of the fact that he was not driven,could not support me, nor having anything to provide for a healthy future(financially)
My parents only braved through it because he "treated me well" He did for may years but when the addiction reared it's ugly head, that went out the window. I kept it all a secret because I desperately did not want my family to disapprove.
- When you take a step back, you realize that you should be PROUD to be with whoever you are with. I am not saying that a recovering addict is not someone to be proud of but a recovering addict that does not put in 100% is nothing to be proud of.
-We ALL have choices. Your choices are you own. You can disregard your father's opinion but take a second to think about why he would only want the best for you.
- Someone who can not be changed from an outsider will only continue to do what they want. It may change for a month,two,or a year but only if the change was made by the choice of the addict will it stick.
-You are by no means wrong for wanting the things that you do from a significant other. Just know that you can not mold someone into having these qualities. They are who they are but you DO have the choice to stay and accept or walk away and be with a person that better fits the kind of person that you deserve!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 145
Good morning everyone,
I haven't updated a lot, but...I told him it was over. I ended it. I showed no emotion. I kept it brief. He tried to look really depressed and do the "Fine. Do whatever you want. I don't care anymore" and I had to just let him be. I pray I can stick this through. I told myself, no contact for at least 6 months...I have to do this for me.
I haven't updated a lot, but...I told him it was over. I ended it. I showed no emotion. I kept it brief. He tried to look really depressed and do the "Fine. Do whatever you want. I don't care anymore" and I had to just let him be. I pray I can stick this through. I told myself, no contact for at least 6 months...I have to do this for me.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 145
It's so funny to me that he had ignored my all this time while we were living under the same roof and suddenly, he's very responsive to texts now that I'm done with him. He said he will pay me back everything he owes me eventually (not counting on it), that he's sorry for everything he's done, and that hopefully I can be happy now. His last comment got to me. I found myself rushed with tears...but I know that's what he wants, he wants me to stay emotionally invested so he can sucker me back in. At least this is what a lot of people tell me...that if he can make me feel any kind of emotion, even a bad one, he still has control. I'm trying to maintain my composure because I know this is the right choice, that I do deserve to be happy.
I know this relationship is not going to end the way I kept hoping it would. It would just be up and down forever. He made decision after decision. He decided to lie, to ignore, etc and now I finally made a decision that was more than just putting up with it.
It's so hard to be strong. I keep thinking, gosh I hope he doesn't go out and get worse, and go back to those old habits. I do want the best for him, but that doesn't seem likely. I feel like he will go back to his ups and downs and I can't watch...I just keep telling myself, focus, focus, focus, someday you're going to look back and wished you had done this sooner. This is for the best even though it feels like the worst now.
I know this relationship is not going to end the way I kept hoping it would. It would just be up and down forever. He made decision after decision. He decided to lie, to ignore, etc and now I finally made a decision that was more than just putting up with it.
It's so hard to be strong. I keep thinking, gosh I hope he doesn't go out and get worse, and go back to those old habits. I do want the best for him, but that doesn't seem likely. I feel like he will go back to his ups and downs and I can't watch...I just keep telling myself, focus, focus, focus, someday you're going to look back and wished you had done this sooner. This is for the best even though it feels like the worst now.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
Originally Posted by mdkathy62
...and that hopefully I can be happy now. His last comment got to me. I found myself rushed with tears...but I know that's what he wants, he wants me to stay emotionally invested so he can sucker me back in...
You are suppose to think you can't be happy without him, and rush to take him back even with his little faults.
Nothing altruistic about that statement. Just manipulation. This is why no contact can be so helpful.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 145
Thanks SadHeart. His response of 'hope you can be happy now' came after I told him that I need nothing from him other than the key to the apartment by the end of this month. That he needed to move out. I agree, it feels very manipulative and also feels very familiar, like the other times he used to say things like this when I tried to leave.
He went on to say that he's caught off guard by me leaving, he didn't see it coming. I didn't comment on anything. I just reiterated that all I need is the key. I know this is just the beginning of many attempts to get me to run back to him...
He went on to say that he's caught off guard by me leaving, he didn't see it coming. I didn't comment on anything. I just reiterated that all I need is the key. I know this is just the beginning of many attempts to get me to run back to him...
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