WishingWell

The mantra of my therapist, kept me sane!

"Relapse is a part of recovery."

It just is for most people. Where do you live that a kid can arrested for public intoxication? That's pretty wild. So many kids where we live are big partiers, have never heard of any arrested unless it was for a DUI.

Lucky for him to have gotten arrested, that's a great wake-up call! One day at a time, don't give up hope!

Hopeworks

Hi Wishing Well,

This is actually a saying that many disagree with and after many, many years of dealing with and loving those caught in addiction I firmly believe that relapse is not in any way a part of recovery.

Relapse is a directly in the camp of addiction.

Every situation is different. Every alcoholic, addict is different. We all only know what we know and we cannot know what we do not know. We are all in different stages of seeking and discovering truth about a a very, very complicated disease involving a lot of components and variables.

My XA always relapsed...always. And one of his favorite sayings was relapse was a part of the recovery process. Four long years later "more was revealed" and in looking back with 20/20 vision the REAL problem was that he had never broken up with alcohol permanently.

And I was always, always there to pick up the pieces and lap up his "recovery talk" (he could start his own rehab with his knowledge of addiction and recovery). He was a master of manipulation and he knows how to work it and everybody!

Finally... I had enough. Live or die I had enough. So he crashed, careened through 3 months o Las Vegas, 2 jail stints in 2 different states. But then something happened... nobody got him out of jail, no one sent him money and there was no one to listen to his "I got a disease" talk.

He had a real "psychic change"... he hit a bottom and made a decision that relapse is no longer an option or vacation from sobriety that will get all patched up by an enabler.

He is now riding a bike to work and working 7 days a week, going to meetings and working an honest program.

I am happy for him and he has a real shot of making it now that I am not crippling him with my enabling and sympathetic ear and agreeing with him that relapse is part of recovery.

He could of done this 4 years ago! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. OK. I am way over it now.

As we walk out our journeys of sharing life with an addict our understanding and views on addiction go through many changes as we learn more. I now believe that the worst alcoholics (and my XA was a "real" alcoholic) can get sober and stay sober with no relapses if they fully follow the guidance and direction of a "good" sponsor with the full adherence to the 12 step model of recovery in full honesty.

Anyone who follows that program diligently will not relapse. In my opinion and experience...

Take what you want and leave the rest.

BlueSkiesAgain

Thank you all for the love and support. I have always felt that a relapse was possible but in listening to my son over the last week I really feel like he used that as a crutch. Some one in his group had a relapse after 4 years of being sober and I think the accepting nature of the group made AS feel like it was ok to relapse once or twice. Not saying this is how the group really feels it was my son's perception or the way he wanted it to be. I'm hoping he learned a big lesson but only time will tell. He went to two AA meetings last night and is planning to go to one today at noon. I'm not sure that my son is yet being 100% honest with himself.

Freedom1990

The phrase that "relapse is a part of recovery" originated in the treatment centers.

The rehab I was in did not carry this belief, and neither do I.

It is too often used as a crutch in my own personal experience since 1986 when I got clean/sober for the first time.

When I made the choice to use/drink again after 4 years in recovery, that was NOT a part of my recovery. It was my active disease rearing its ugly head once again.

Did I learn from that horrible period of 2 months where I was lost, blacking out after binge-drinking, exposing my kids to the chaotic emotional state I was in? Yes I did and am 22 years clean/sober now.

I believe that all of us with addictions have a punch ticket in life. I had no doubt that if I were to ever use and/or drink again, I will die. I don't have another "sober up" punch left on my ticket.

I have seen people relapse after a period of clean time/sobriety, and for whatever reason, they just never "get it" again in recovery and eventually die in active addictions. I've seen it time and time again where they struggle in the rooms of 12-step groups, but they have crossed that invisible line where true long-term recovery is impossible.

One relapse may be the last relapse for many, and I'm not talking about getting into recovery. I am talking about crossing the line and dying.

BlueSkiesAgain

AS had a long talk with his sponsor last night. AS admitted that he thought he was different that the others in AA and he could handle drinking. He had gone 3 weeks without a drink - he was cured, right? He got cocky. His sponsor sober for 28 pretty much laid down the law as far as how AA works. He told son if he wanted to get sober he needed to do the steps starting with Step 1. I think a lot of what the sponsor said made a difference because AS told me that he had to have a lifestyle change and an attitude change. He said he has always expected things to turn out good for him he never really had to work at anything (this coming from a college senior that has never read a college textbook). He said he is determined to work to make good things happen instead of just expecting them to happen.

He is at his third AA meeting since he was released from jail yesterday.

As for me I am pretty relaxed. Happy that AS has moved out and letting him work on his recovery. I can't promise I won't worry anymore but I am making a point to realize I can't make him do anything that he has to do it for himself.

AS has decided he will finish out the semester and then decide if he needs 30 day in patient treatment. He has great sponsors feels that working the 12 Steps he can make it through the next 6 weeks.

HopefulmomtoD

Is he reading the big book? My RAS reads it faithfully and says it has helped more than anything else in working on his recovery. He says he wishes he'd read it earlier- that's the one thing that he says might have made a difference.

BlueSkiesAgain

Thanks Hopefulmom he is now. He is will be attending a group that is starting on the BB 12 Steps tomorrow. Timing is perfect because they are starting at the beginning.

He will also do the 90 meetings in 90 days.

HopefulmomtoD

Your DS sounds like he's got a good head on his shoulders- he just needs to accept that he can not control his alcoholism.

WishingWell

Hopeworks, while I know that your experience is very real for you, I think that some of the comments show a lack of awareness and real life facts. I have many alcoholics in my life who can be considered recovered. We're talking 20 years and more of sobriety. ALL of them relapsed at first. In fact, a dear friend whose husband had 25 years, just relapsed last year. I think expecting perfection out of the gate is both unrealistic and in fact, very unwise. Much better to live in the real world. They don't call it "addiction" because it's easy to quit by going to AA meetings. It's so much deeper, such a dangerous and mentality debilitating disease.

According to a survey of members of AA, 75 percent experience a relapse during their first year of recovery.

There is evidence that approximately 90 percent of alcoholics are likely to experience at least one relapse over the 4-year period following treatment (1). Despite some promising leads, no controlled studies definitively have shown any single or combined intervention that prevents relapse in a fairly predictable manner.

God bless those few who can just quit - but I really caution anyone coming on a board like this and stating these types of unfounded statements. Especially to people who are just experiencing the addiction with a loved one.

And ditto "Take what you want and leave the rest."

Titanic

How about this?

Addiction, recovery and relapse are three separate words. They don't have to be part of each other.

An A can relapse and choose to stay in his or her addiction, or choose to work recovery. What matters is what that one A chooses to do.

And what expectations (premeditated resentments) the Non-A chooses to have.

BlueSkiesAgain, you have made great progress! Your DS is doing the right thing just for today, and all he has to do is live the program One Day at a Time!

Progress not perfection.