Feeling Sad All Over Again
 

Ended relationship with XAGF on Thursday.
And have actually being doing much better then I thought I would. The typical waves of sadness, but not the devastation that I thought I would feel.
Been keeping busy and attending a lot of Al Anon meetings.
Many of my AA/Al Anon friends have warned me to be prepared to be strong when she contacts me in the future.
I told them she is not going to contact me. She had previously contacted me the last two times we separated, but this time it is different. She has a new man in her life (just 3 weeks out of rehab.) and plenty of support from all the girls she lives with in sober living.
My fiends told me, believe us she will contact you. This new guy is a temporary distraction. And the fact that you were the one who ended it this time makes a difference. She wanted the new guy and me. The narcism of an alcoholic never ceases to amaze.
Well sure enough she texted me yesterday. I had been receiving her mail while she was in rehab. She wanted to know if I had received an important document. She had already changed the address for this document to her current address. She thought that maybe there was a mix up.
I texted her back that I had not received it. But would let her know if I do.
All very professional.
My friends told me, see this is just the beginning. I told them "no she just needed some information."
They said "could she have gotten this information anywhere else?" I said "yes."
They told me that I am underestimating the neediness and manipulation of the alcoholic.
She knows that text will make you think of her.
Am I being naive that there was more to that text then just needing some info?
Because it did do one thing, it made me start thinking of her and feeling sad all over again.

She is the only one who knows the intent behind the text. But your friends are not incorrect when they tell you this is one of the tactics of an addict who has lost an enabler.

Here's the thing: it does not matter what her intent was. What matters is your response and how you deal with it. It's good you acknowledge that it affected you and made you feel sad. But that's all you have to do. Acknowledge it. Come here and talk about how you feel. Be reminded that a lot of people have been in your position and not only survived but thrived. And you will too. Hang in there.

I no what you mean.
I am 7 days no contact with AXBF.
He did send me an email with jokes with nothing personal but a hello.
I didn't reply & stayed strong.
I've been feeling reasonable but then woke in night with anger over last weekend when he out partying with ex & wonder if he'll do the same this weekend.
I am unsure how I will react if he emails me today.
I feel sad going in to the weekend without him & miss him but I do have a fun weekend planned which will keep my mind busy.
I hope you too can manage to stay strong, it is hard when they're not there anymore especially if there are other people involved.
Big hugs to you.

Alcoholics are compulsive. It is a disease of compulsion. She may feel suddenly compelled to contact you, and that will be the disease of addiction in action.

It is never a good idea to take any behaviors of an alcoholic in active addiction or newly in recovery to heart. The brain of the alcoholic is still in great dysfunction and will be so for the first one to three years of sobriety.

It is best to remain no contact as much as you can.

Can you believe since I posted this thread, hours later I ran into her at the gas station.
And she does not even live on my side of town.
I do not know what message I am being sent from above, but it is pure torture.
Time to start all over again.

Your friends are right. There's 80 years of data informing their opinions. Your freinds are right. Please examine yourself to see why, even though you know they are right, you are acting as if they are not and questioning it.

You know they are right. You know it. And I know you know it.

Cyranoak

Cyranoak I guess that if I was to make a guess as to why I choose not to believe, it was just pointed out to me. I do not trust myself in being able to control my addiction.
I would like to believe that she would never want to talk to me again so that I would have no choice in the matter. Even though twice before when she broke off with me it did not take long for her to contact me again.
As I previously posted I just ran into her. She ran over and hugged me. I could feel every feeling come back to me.
After talking for a few minutes she began to get uncomfortable. She said I will call you when I am ready. Of which I replied ok.
When I ended the relationship I did it on my terms. As soon as I saw her I melted and gave it all back.
That is why I was hoping or am in denial that she would not contact me. I proved once again that I have little strength are she is concerned.

It helped in my vulnerable moments to remember all the ca ca my x did. I wrote down all the bad stuff. I saw the real deal- not what I wanted it to be. The more no:grouphug: contact you have the easier it gets.

Synchronicities do have a purpose in our lives. Many people here could probably tell you of their own "coincidences", when something in the outer life happened which reflected tremendous inner changes happening.

If you feel like you stepped back, today, on the roller coaster for a few hundred feet of the ride, maybe that was something you needed to feel: how terrible it is to be involved with someone who is unstable, narcissistic, and always puts you last.

Then our next step is to examine ourselves and find out why we are so hooked by addicts.

Wishing you good insight and eventual peace of mind.

I'm so sorry that happened soexhausted.
It must have been real hard.
My xABF lives around the corner from me & know that's going to happen to me soon.
We can't just shut our feelings off, it's only natural to feel the way you did, I wish it was different.
We just have to try to be strong knowing that the break is for the best.
Given time it will.
Big hugs.

Running into her cannot be a coincidence.
She lives an hour away from me. And that gas station, at that time.
There has to be a reason for it.
I cannot possibly imagine what it is now. But maybe in time it will be revealed to me.

Maybe it was a test of your faith? (in yourself that is)

Thank you Rosiepetal.
Maybe God knows that deep down even though I am saying that I am done with her in truth I am not.
God needed to give me another booster shot to remind me just how much hurt she brings upon me.
To once again remind me that ultimately I am in control of my own life.
To remind me that she only has as much power over me that I choose to give her.

I completely understand.
Just because you are gaining control over your life doesn't mean it hurts any less.
My theory at the moment is just focusing on one day at a time.
Hugs to you.

When we are in the depths of "their addictions" we look at coincidences as fate telling us things will work out. Life will be good, our love will be strong and they will become what we hope they will be. And, in the same realm as the glass is half empty, these same coincidences remind us of what hurt us in the first place...and continues to remind us of the pain. I am learning that "fate" is how much I believe in myself. Because I am the only one that can determine my own destiny. And that will always be a work in progress.

I went back several times, it always ended up in the same place.

Beautiful wonderful days, followed by the agony and realization that alcohol was the wall that could not be overcome.

That his sickness was long term, maybe terminal, that I could not change it, he stacked resentments against me, just in case, in case he needed to justify his bad behavior.

It was incredibly painful for both of us, for far too long. It was only myself that saw it, I saw and denied, it made me miserably unhappy.

I am learning to Love in a different way, a way that makes it possible for me to have some joy, that does not include him, he has no joy, only self hatred, I can't make that go away for him. I am simply an excuse for him to continue to do what he does best, drink.

Thank you Katiekate.
What was also so apparent was the fact that even though she is now sober not much has changed. She is only 65 days sober and has so far to go.
Even without the active drinking my life would still be torment for a long time with no guarantees of anything positive to come.
Just an example of the way she thinks, she felt very good about being honest that she confessed to me about seeing someone else. (She met a guy in sober living.)
I said you only confessed after I kept pressing you on it.
She said well I did not want to tell you because I knew telling you would hurt your feelings.
I said NO, CHEATING on me is what hurts my feelings!
And this is who I have been longing for?

((((((Soexhausted)))))))
Sending lots of hugs and support your way.
Sorry you are hurting.
MamaKit

I may be way off-base here, but my first thought was "stalking"

I adore synchronicities, and always try to pay attention to the lessons they provide. But when it comes to alcoholics, I'm a cold jaded cynic...

I understand this completely... done but not yet in my heart. Problem for me is until the end of the month my AH is living with his AF one floor up. I am pretty terrified at the idea of running in to them. :/

Right, yes... one day at a time. For me I think it needs to be fine tuned to one minute at a time for now.