new here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: utah
Posts: 2
new here
Hello I have been married for 10 years my husband is an alcoholic we have 3 children. I have tried to deal with it as long as i could. I have tried everything in my power to help him so now I am coming here for advice. How do i deal with it or dont deal with it. please help
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: SF, CA
Posts: 28
Hi and welcome!!!! I'm pretty new to this myself -- but the first thing I've been working on is understanding the three C's -- We didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. This is the essence of step one -- realizing we are powerless over another's drinking. This is not as hopeless as it sounds, and I'm actually beginning to find it relieving. What we *are*capable of is controlling the way we respond to another's drinking -- we can learn to have personal boundaries, meaning that we don't let ourselves get dragged around emotionally by his drinking, his abusive comments, whatever may come up... It also means we get to let ourselves off the hook for his moods, his ups and downs, his anger, etc. He is responsible for his actions and reactions, you for yours.
I'll turn this one over to the real experts now -- I'm just a baby at this. Hugs to you!
I'll turn this one over to the real experts now -- I'm just a baby at this. Hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Anywhere but here
Posts: 44
Hi! There is great support on these boards. I am new to this too, but lil'bit is right. Start taking care of yourself instead of trying to help him. There is no help for him until he is ready for it. I think you should consider detaching from him. You're not leaving him, but you're not trying to help him anymore either. I have been reading a wonderful book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. If you have not read it I highly recommend you do. It will help you keep your sanity by showing you how to start taking care of yourself and let him take responsibility for himself. I don't know too much about your situation and I may be totally off base, but I hope this helps a little. Keep coming back. There are a lot more experienced people here with lots of great advice!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: black diamond WA
Posts: 203
your mirror
I, too have been in this ten years, have three children, and am at the end of my rope. I've been learning tons lately and enjoying boundaries for the first time. Beavis hates the changes even though he personally advocates that I needed to change----- I guess he just wanted me to change to please him. That's another personal boundary I'm enjoying. I am beginning to be someone I kinda like for a change, and I don't need affirmation to feel okay. Lots of great people here and people much further into the program than I that have brought some key points to light. good luck, hang in there.
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Citizen of the world
Posts: 74
You are a stranger here, but once. And while we come here, full of questions, dragging our bag of convoluted secrets that we claim to want to rid ourselves of, yet are somehow strangely too attached to, we “need� to thrash about in our extended discomfort for yet a while longer.
“To claim it, we have to name it�, and, of course, for us to rid ourselves of it, we have to know what it really is we “have�, just so that we can dispose of it. Still, the language is different. What we called “anger� , you call fear. What we perceive as “his� problem, you suggest is mine. “Surrender becomes a kind of victory, and our world becomes frantic with our seemingly endless questions, and enigmatic answers. What was up is down, all the “rules� have changed, and we simply don’t know where our place in it all is, and DAMN,---------------nothing at home has changed.
You ARE a stranger here but once, ‘cause we all have been down that road, and should you look around those of “us� that are still hangin’ around, we not only survived but managed to flourish. Paradoxically, it was the persistence of our difficulties that kept us connected, in order that we might touch the face of our dis-ease,---------our own.
Much like our A, our solution at first, is an ever growing awareness of what lies behind the symptoms that we evidence, with our behavior, and much like our A, when we start to “feel� a little better, it is our initial inclination to go skipping down the road of life, all “fixed� and ready for another round. How many folks do we see post but once or twice and then,--------are gone, hang around for perhaps a month, maybe two, then disappear,? And while I work with a lot of alcoholics, when there is a “sudden disappearance, I know exactly where to find them,--------------if I were to look,--------------- but I don’t have to do that any more, and of course, you taught me that.
I have much to learn, in regard to “ongoing� relations with the A’s in my life, and it is here I come to study. Yet none of that will do me a bit of good until I’m able to employ it in the time I’m NOT here. So hang around a while, get cosy with the “fellowship,� Understand that we need to crawl before we walk, and when we’re capable of walking, we take the steps.
“To claim it, we have to name it�, and, of course, for us to rid ourselves of it, we have to know what it really is we “have�, just so that we can dispose of it. Still, the language is different. What we called “anger� , you call fear. What we perceive as “his� problem, you suggest is mine. “Surrender becomes a kind of victory, and our world becomes frantic with our seemingly endless questions, and enigmatic answers. What was up is down, all the “rules� have changed, and we simply don’t know where our place in it all is, and DAMN,---------------nothing at home has changed.
You ARE a stranger here but once, ‘cause we all have been down that road, and should you look around those of “us� that are still hangin’ around, we not only survived but managed to flourish. Paradoxically, it was the persistence of our difficulties that kept us connected, in order that we might touch the face of our dis-ease,---------our own.
Much like our A, our solution at first, is an ever growing awareness of what lies behind the symptoms that we evidence, with our behavior, and much like our A, when we start to “feel� a little better, it is our initial inclination to go skipping down the road of life, all “fixed� and ready for another round. How many folks do we see post but once or twice and then,--------are gone, hang around for perhaps a month, maybe two, then disappear,? And while I work with a lot of alcoholics, when there is a “sudden disappearance, I know exactly where to find them,--------------if I were to look,--------------- but I don’t have to do that any more, and of course, you taught me that.
I have much to learn, in regard to “ongoing� relations with the A’s in my life, and it is here I come to study. Yet none of that will do me a bit of good until I’m able to employ it in the time I’m NOT here. So hang around a while, get cosy with the “fellowship,� Understand that we need to crawl before we walk, and when we’re capable of walking, we take the steps.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: utah
Posts: 2
Re: new here
Tahnk you for the advice. for the past few days i have distanced my self from it. I have gone on with my own things and taking care of the children they are what is important. until he can acnowledge his problem. how do i deal with it until then.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: black diamond WA
Posts: 203
Re: new here
I went to my first face to face (F2F) meeting in alanon this week. Nothing was "earth-shattering", but just walking in and seeing a room fairly full of people not so different from me was instantly comforting. Hearing others' stories made me feel a bit of hope and hearing strength in their voices and how they have learned to respond with humor and grace gave me something to shoot for for myself. I yearn for serenity. I just want some semblance of peace for my kids and myself. I'm so tired of being or feeling in the control of someone who lives for the insane and chaotic lifestyle of the alcoholic. I don't have to live that way, and though mine is trying to find his way through the initial step of his program, he is nowhere near recovery yet. But, you know what, I don't have to wait for him to do one darn thing, and today, I'll just do what I need to to feel like I've advanced in some small way to be where I want to be. I'll pray for you, too. I figure if I pray for everyone in the same way I need prayer, than we all receive the help from only known source I know of. Hang inthere. You've made the first step toward health by just coming here.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Citizen of the world
Posts: 74
Re: new here
Congrats on your first meeting. Keep it up and you will notice a difference,------------in you. “Meeting makers make it� Sure doesn’t happen over night, but that’s where we get to touch the flesh and blood recovery that we need to see, walked rather than just “talked�. As we get to know those folks we do so in a way and dimension that can never be duplicated in this “cyber-world�, and the difference is not inconsequential.
Anyway. That’s where sponsors tend to hang out, and a sponsor’s “raison de’tere� is to walk ya through the steps, and that IS the program of Alanon. When you’re engaged in that you know you’re in the middle of the Alanon bed.
Good stuff, and, oh yeah, “keep comin’ back� both there and here.
Jeff
Anyway. That’s where sponsors tend to hang out, and a sponsor’s “raison de’tere� is to walk ya through the steps, and that IS the program of Alanon. When you’re engaged in that you know you’re in the middle of the Alanon bed.
Good stuff, and, oh yeah, “keep comin’ back� both there and here.
Jeff
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
Re: new here
Hugs She-Devil -
I've been married to my husband for almost 20 years - 15 of which have been affected by alcohol. I came to this board and learned so much. I started looking to myself for the changes I wanted - not to him. It's a process and can't be hurried but I feel much better about myself and my situation now. It feels like I am doing something positive instead of just surviving.
Hope you keep coming back and asking questions. There is much support and wisdom in this forum
Welcome ! L
I've been married to my husband for almost 20 years - 15 of which have been affected by alcohol. I came to this board and learned so much. I started looking to myself for the changes I wanted - not to him. It's a process and can't be hurried but I feel much better about myself and my situation now. It feels like I am doing something positive instead of just surviving.
Hope you keep coming back and asking questions. There is much support and wisdom in this forum
Welcome ! L
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