Everyone is enabling him
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Everyone is enabling him
This is a vent. I am trying to remain detached. Having no contact, but in the back of my mind I am so angry and so sad about what he has said about me and done to me since he left.
Before and after he left I told no-one (except my boss) what was going on. I spoke to no-one about it until two weeks after he had left.
What I didn't realise was that in the two weeks after he left (that he took off work because he was so "distressed" AKA BOOZING HIS A$$ OFF) he spent most of those two weeks drunk and doing the divide and conquer strategy.
Like a teenage "mean girl" he phoned and contacted everyone we knew or ever knew. My friends, his friends, our friends ALL OF THEM. The story is that I am a crazy b*tch from hell and I need medicating. And everyone believes him.
I am not anxious, I am not having panic attacks, I am not obsessing, I am not screaming, I am not walking on eggshells, I am not jumping at every single loud noise. Living with an active alcoholic/drug user prior to detaching - I was. NOT NOW!
Yet, the only friend I have spoken to has gone to him behind my back. In her last email to me she advised I get meds for my "issues" WTF? That's straight out of HIS MOUTH! THAT'S HIS REASON TO DRINK AND DRUG! I'm not going to respond to her email, it is full of HIS QUACKING!
He is still swanning around town in some strange new fancy 4WD. His own car - he drove it home drunk 3 years ago with a blown tyre and left it on the front lawn, is still there. Yet, "someone" has decided that because poor widdle drunky baby has a b*tch of wife who he had to leave because she is SOOOOOOO CRRRAAAAZY deserves a flashy, zippy 4WD. He can't afford that car. No way in hell.
I never realised that it was a race to contact everyone we ever knew and slag each other off. It's worked for him. He is encircled by enablers, all believing that I actually had the power to MAKE HIM DRINK AND TAKE DRUGS. It's all my fault.
Oh, he has also opened himself a Facebook account. Despite slagging off Facebook for like FOREVER and saying how stupid it was, he now has his very own account and is busily adding his "troops". I've basically shut mine down and deleted all but a few people, people he doesn't know. There is no point. I had been feeling really weird and strange because no-one had contacted me when I knew he was telling the entire world that he had left and we were separated.
No-one has contacted me because he got to everyone first. Told them he left because I was crazy. F*cking PR*CK!
Vent over.
Before and after he left I told no-one (except my boss) what was going on. I spoke to no-one about it until two weeks after he had left.
What I didn't realise was that in the two weeks after he left (that he took off work because he was so "distressed" AKA BOOZING HIS A$$ OFF) he spent most of those two weeks drunk and doing the divide and conquer strategy.
Like a teenage "mean girl" he phoned and contacted everyone we knew or ever knew. My friends, his friends, our friends ALL OF THEM. The story is that I am a crazy b*tch from hell and I need medicating. And everyone believes him.
I am not anxious, I am not having panic attacks, I am not obsessing, I am not screaming, I am not walking on eggshells, I am not jumping at every single loud noise. Living with an active alcoholic/drug user prior to detaching - I was. NOT NOW!
Yet, the only friend I have spoken to has gone to him behind my back. In her last email to me she advised I get meds for my "issues" WTF? That's straight out of HIS MOUTH! THAT'S HIS REASON TO DRINK AND DRUG! I'm not going to respond to her email, it is full of HIS QUACKING!
He is still swanning around town in some strange new fancy 4WD. His own car - he drove it home drunk 3 years ago with a blown tyre and left it on the front lawn, is still there. Yet, "someone" has decided that because poor widdle drunky baby has a b*tch of wife who he had to leave because she is SOOOOOOO CRRRAAAAZY deserves a flashy, zippy 4WD. He can't afford that car. No way in hell.
I never realised that it was a race to contact everyone we ever knew and slag each other off. It's worked for him. He is encircled by enablers, all believing that I actually had the power to MAKE HIM DRINK AND TAKE DRUGS. It's all my fault.
Oh, he has also opened himself a Facebook account. Despite slagging off Facebook for like FOREVER and saying how stupid it was, he now has his very own account and is busily adding his "troops". I've basically shut mine down and deleted all but a few people, people he doesn't know. There is no point. I had been feeling really weird and strange because no-one had contacted me when I knew he was telling the entire world that he had left and we were separated.
No-one has contacted me because he got to everyone first. Told them he left because I was crazy. F*cking PR*CK!
Vent over.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Sorry Lulu,
Sounds rather horrible.
But, you are still the winner here.
In my opinion, a lot of people will just bow out of a situation like that.
He is an idiot.
Onward you go, you are free. Best revenge is a life well lived.
Sounds rather horrible.
But, you are still the winner here.
In my opinion, a lot of people will just bow out of a situation like that.
He is an idiot.
Onward you go, you are free. Best revenge is a life well lived.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
If everyone has bought his story, those are not friends you want, hon.
I am so sorry for your pain.
He's managed to get to you, even from a distance.
Sending you hugs of support fro very windy Kansas!
I am so sorry for your pain.
He's managed to get to you, even from a distance.
Sending you hugs of support fro very windy Kansas!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Time takes time. I know it hurts when those you thought we're your friends take his side but honestly, if they have taken his side without even talking to you first, how good of friends can these folks actually be? A real friend doesn't do that. Are these folks drinkers by chance? I had to let a lot of people go when I got sober and started working on me and going to Al-Anon. And do you know I am "friends" from a far distance, on FB, now and those folks are all still drinking and drugging?
Give it time. The truth will eventually reveal itself. The best thing you can do in this kind of situation, I have learned, is keep a level head about you.
Give it time. The truth will eventually reveal itself. The best thing you can do in this kind of situation, I have learned, is keep a level head about you.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Lulu, actually this is very common. I'll bet a good many of these people are drinking buddies. This is all part of the disease.
You don't need these people---they don't sound like "real" friends, anyway.
The important thing is that he is not infecting your home any longer. You will make more friends without him---healthier friends.
Don't let this get you down!!!!
dandylion
You don't need these people---they don't sound like "real" friends, anyway.
The important thing is that he is not infecting your home any longer. You will make more friends without him---healthier friends.
Don't let this get you down!!!!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
((((Lulu))))
Exactly.
I chose the same strategy you did: I didn't tell anyone. My AXH did the same thing yours did. I had friends who believed him. I had friends who encouraged me to go back and work it out. And then I had friends who called me up and said, "WTF is he on? He's saying all these awful things about you that I know aren't true!" and those are the people who are still my friends, that third group.
So let them buy him fancy cars. Let them have him move in with them. It won't last long. I actually got a call about a year after my divorce from a guy at a company where AXH had applied for a job. I was terrified and guilt-ridden because I thought he was calling to get some under-the-radar references on AXH. He wasn't. He called and said, "I just want you to know that I hope it doesn't affect your child support, but we can't hire your AXH. He's crazy as a loon and I actually laughed out loud when I saw his job application."
So give it time. People will either come around or continue to be deceived. Either way, he's out of your life and that's what matters in the long run.
If everyone has bought his story, those are not friends you want, hon.
I chose the same strategy you did: I didn't tell anyone. My AXH did the same thing yours did. I had friends who believed him. I had friends who encouraged me to go back and work it out. And then I had friends who called me up and said, "WTF is he on? He's saying all these awful things about you that I know aren't true!" and those are the people who are still my friends, that third group.
So let them buy him fancy cars. Let them have him move in with them. It won't last long. I actually got a call about a year after my divorce from a guy at a company where AXH had applied for a job. I was terrified and guilt-ridden because I thought he was calling to get some under-the-radar references on AXH. He wasn't. He called and said, "I just want you to know that I hope it doesn't affect your child support, but we can't hire your AXH. He's crazy as a loon and I actually laughed out loud when I saw his job application."
So give it time. People will either come around or continue to be deceived. Either way, he's out of your life and that's what matters in the long run.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
Hi - so sorry to hear you are still being got at. I agree with most of the posts here. Alcoholics are great actors and i never realized how manipulative till it happened to me. I also have shut down my facebook account. My AH has started to use it to publish private conversations of mine he has managed to get hold off - to 'force me to sign ' his divorce papers. What struck me was they seem to care about what everybody else EXCEPT their family (spouse and kids) think of them . Whereas most normal people - like me care what our family think/feels not people we hardly know. But yes this need to win some sort of 'popularity contest' is hard to understand. your vent has helped me .
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
So sorry, it sounds nasty.
I went through a nasty breakup 6 years ago involving drug abuse & my husband made a point of telling me everyone in town thought I was a joke & a looser. I received threats, nasty texts & all the ill treatment in the world from him. Truth was any of these friends weren't real friends to me anyway, most of them aren't in my life anymore & I have new lovely ones. Actually I think he made up a lot of what he told me cause he was so demented. It really hurt at the time & affected my mental health but I am all good now. I actually now think that a lot of this yucky behaviour is due to guilt & "shifting blame".
It's him that's mental not you darling.
Hang in there, we are here for you.
I went through a nasty breakup 6 years ago involving drug abuse & my husband made a point of telling me everyone in town thought I was a joke & a looser. I received threats, nasty texts & all the ill treatment in the world from him. Truth was any of these friends weren't real friends to me anyway, most of them aren't in my life anymore & I have new lovely ones. Actually I think he made up a lot of what he told me cause he was so demented. It really hurt at the time & affected my mental health but I am all good now. I actually now think that a lot of this yucky behaviour is due to guilt & "shifting blame".
It's him that's mental not you darling.
Hang in there, we are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by dollydo 
These addicts are great actors, it always amazes me how cunning and manipulating they are.
You know the truth, that is all that really matters.
You know the truth, that is all that really matters.
I'm so sorry your "friends" are buying in to his crap. Like dollydo says, they are cunning & manipulative... they will say ANYTHING to make it look like they were being treated poorly at home. Only matters that you remember what it true.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Just remember, karma's a b*tch. Won't be long before those same people are horrified to find him couch-surfing in dirty underwear because he's a homeless alcoholic. Or maybe worse, sitting in a hospital room with him after his liver fails.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi,
I am sorry to hear about this. I am 100% sure that my axbf is bad mouthing me the same way, all over town. He knows a lot of people but I never liked his friends (they all drank too much). Luckily our lives are very much separate.
Please hang in there!
I am sorry to hear about this. I am 100% sure that my axbf is bad mouthing me the same way, all over town. He knows a lot of people but I never liked his friends (they all drank too much). Luckily our lives are very much separate.
Please hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 100
Being judged by people sure can sting at times, and I'm also so sorry that you or any (most?) of us have been through that.
An 'A' sloth-like drunken momma's boy that lost everything including a wife and kids, that lived, mostly jobless and pass out drunk everyday for years with a 32 pack, at his elderly mom's and/or off his parents till he was 50 something years old between leeching off of temporarily conned women or others at their expense, has to have something...and they do...lies, and more lies, endless manipulations and connings....again at anybody's expense but their own...the same as they lived their day to day life.
Meh, their life history speaks for itself, as does ours -- they're not really fooling anybody that knows them, and friends that hoo-rah rally around their lies and take a stand against a "friend" are those that are drunks just like them, or were never friends to begin. Good riddance.
That fresh stinging of yet another fresh round of lies can feel terrible, but it does stop, and life gets so much better as the weight of the A drops off our shoulders.
An 'A' sloth-like drunken momma's boy that lost everything including a wife and kids, that lived, mostly jobless and pass out drunk everyday for years with a 32 pack, at his elderly mom's and/or off his parents till he was 50 something years old between leeching off of temporarily conned women or others at their expense, has to have something...and they do...lies, and more lies, endless manipulations and connings....again at anybody's expense but their own...the same as they lived their day to day life.
Meh, their life history speaks for itself, as does ours -- they're not really fooling anybody that knows them, and friends that hoo-rah rally around their lies and take a stand against a "friend" are those that are drunks just like them, or were never friends to begin. Good riddance.
That fresh stinging of yet another fresh round of lies can feel terrible, but it does stop, and life gets so much better as the weight of the A drops off our shoulders.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
Lulu,
I've been there, it sucks. I'm sorry that you have to go through this.
In the beginning I called a few friends. He did too. The ones he called eventually called me and asked just wtf was going on. He told people I physically abused him so he had no choice but to leave (he is about 100lbs bigger and 8 inches taller than me). He told people I was crazy, that I too needed to be medicated, he told people that I was a pathological liar, and he also told people that there was nothing wrong, that we were in fact together and that they should stop in for a visit. The problem is that we have a large group of friends that all intermingles. He told just about each one a different story. Your true friends will see through his rambling.
Stay strong.
I've been there, it sucks. I'm sorry that you have to go through this.
In the beginning I called a few friends. He did too. The ones he called eventually called me and asked just wtf was going on. He told people I physically abused him so he had no choice but to leave (he is about 100lbs bigger and 8 inches taller than me). He told people I was crazy, that I too needed to be medicated, he told people that I was a pathological liar, and he also told people that there was nothing wrong, that we were in fact together and that they should stop in for a visit. The problem is that we have a large group of friends that all intermingles. He told just about each one a different story. Your true friends will see through his rambling.
Stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Lulu,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I've been there....well actually, I am there. I'm crazy, depressed, a terrible mother who can't be trusted to care for my children.
I am discovering that not everyone believes his garbage as I thought they did.
He will reveal himself and those that have enough character to be worthy of your friendship will see through it all. If they don't - to h#$% with them!
Give it some time.
I followed the same line as you ......I told no one about what was going on. Mostly to protect him but also because of my shame. We think we are doing the right thing at the time - it's our nature to protect them. That kindness is certainly not rewarded. It just plain sucks.
Unfortunately, so many of here have been through the same thing.
Hang in there Lulu. Sending you love and support.
Hugs,
MamaKit
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I've been there....well actually, I am there. I'm crazy, depressed, a terrible mother who can't be trusted to care for my children.
I am discovering that not everyone believes his garbage as I thought they did.
He will reveal himself and those that have enough character to be worthy of your friendship will see through it all. If they don't - to h#$% with them!
Give it some time.
I followed the same line as you ......I told no one about what was going on. Mostly to protect him but also because of my shame. We think we are doing the right thing at the time - it's our nature to protect them. That kindness is certainly not rewarded. It just plain sucks.
Unfortunately, so many of here have been through the same thing.
Hang in there Lulu. Sending you love and support.
Hugs,
MamaKit
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
All that's been said by the other posters plus this Lulu:
In time, all will be revealed. And, in any event, who TF cares about half of those folks on "his team?!"
What's important is that YOU are continuing to recover despite all this debris that the passing tornado is flinging around. Carry on!
"A drinking problem in the home can often be more easily recognized by the behavior of those living with the drinker than by that of the drinker." What Do YOU Do about the Alcoholic's Drinking?, page 2 (free Al-Anon pamphlet describing our behaviors).
It's not YOU as you; it's the FAMILY disease. We DO become sick, insane ourselves, because we lose all control and have little clue as to what's going on inside the alcoholic. There's also a lag time between your recovery at home, and the word of the changes getting out on the street (which it sounds like he pretty much controls). As they say, bad news travels faster than good news (which is what your recovery is). Plus, he probably isn't happy with some of your new recovery behaviors as they get between him and the bottle, so he will likely complain mightily about those too.In time, all will be revealed. And, in any event, who TF cares about half of those folks on "his team?!"
What's important is that YOU are continuing to recover despite all this debris that the passing tornado is flinging around. Carry on!
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