Need some advice
 

Hi all,
Just having trouble understanding this detachment thing. I don't know how to do it?
I still get angry / upset when hubby drinks but I don't know how to stop :(

Also, has anyone ever stayed with the alcoholic and things have gotten better? Pretty much everyone who has had these probs with alcohol have separated / divorced, I just want to know if there is any hope that things will get better? I am going to al anon once a week and also seeing a private counsellor as I have loads and loads of issues of my own - low self esteem and codependancy the main ones lol. I just don't want to see my kids get hurt from all this.

Thanks for listening :)

And another thing - I still get angry when people offer and peer pressure hubby into drinking more when they know my feelings on it - I don't understand why they do this....this is another thing I have to try not to get angry over ugh

Find al-anon meetings. They can help you. You will learn how to focus on yourself and not get so wrapped up in what he does or does not do. You deserve serenity in your life even if he continues drinking.

Never with an active alcoholic; it's a progressive disease and things only get worse. Detaching is a process, it takes time. Alanon can be a lifesaver and will also give the support needed to change and grow.

Living with an active A is very confusing. I had a hard time detaching in the beginning too. For me, first I had to learn how to stop acting out my anger. I still felt it as strong as before, but I stopped expressing it in non-constructive ways towards the A. Instead of yelling, I ignored him completely, went to bed, left the house with the kid, called a friend, etc. After a while, the anger lessened because I had other options how to deal with it and learned how to turn the situation into a postive experience for myself. And even though we were still in the same house, I put some distance between us, ie. I told him I no longer had texting on my phone, I wouldn't answer his calls when I was at work, he slept in a separate bedroom, I no longer attended functions where I knew he would drink. I did this because otherwise I was thinking about him and the problem all day long. Out of sight, out of mind.

Yes, I did stay and yes things are getting better. But they didn't start getting better until I was on the brink of leaving. Even though things are better, I'm still practicing detaching.

Detachment is not just something you pick up one day and figure out how to do. Recovery is not an event; it's a process. Detachment is a coming to. It's a way of thinking about yourself and the world and your place in it. There are many forms of detachment, physical, emotional, financial.

Just start with one. For me, physical is the simplest and easiest to practice. It could start by deciding you're not going to go to places where there is alcohol with the alcoholic anymore, or you're not going to live with the alcoholic, or when he drinks you will go to another room. It could be not answering the phone when you know he is drinking, or hanging up when you realize he is drunk.

Anger comes when your expectations are not in line with what life is bringing you. Expectations are high when need is high. Look within for getting your needs met. Alcoholics are not known for meeting other people's needs and expectations.

Pick up the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and especially read the chapter titled "Detachment." I keep it next to my bed and re-read this chapter whenever I am feeling the need!

Also, Al Anon meetings are helpful.